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    • #114748
      Beautifulday
      Participant

      So for those who know my story ive been gaining strength over these past few months to leave my H . Rang Wa , got advice from a solicitor, educating myself gradually ive felt ive got stronger but I’m severely trauma bonded , I just couldn’t bring myself to email the solicitor the go ahead to file for divorce , I think because i felt guilty, sneaky like It was wrong of me etc , worried of how he will react or how he will take it. We are still living together. .
      Today I sat and stared at my laptop screen for what must have been hours, hovering over the send button but I just couldn’t do it, I sat I contemplated I stopped myself. I then had this huge moment of clarity almost as if someone gave me this huge push and moment of strength I can’t describe it and in a moment I pulled myself together and sent the email to the solicitor and paid her to file for divorce.

      Afterwards I couldn’t believe I had done it, I felt like a huge weight of my shoulders but u also feel so so scared, nervous, anxious guilty so many feelings going around in my head. I know ive done the right thing and now there’s no going backwards im just worried how he will react when that letter lands on the mat.
      .I just wanted to say thank you to all you ladies on the forum who have supported me so far in my journey to freedom and continue to show your support, also to womens aid as I know my strength came from you lot x*x

    • #114751
      Bettyboop
      Participant

      Well done you. You are now on the journey to a new life, one that you deserve. Keep going and be strong and brave, like the woman you really are x

    • #114752
      Beautifulday
      Participant

      @Bettyboop
      Thank you lovely, I know its not the end of this nightmare but I can now see a glimmer of light and hope at the end of the tunnel, im just dreading how he is going to be, but whatever happens there is no going back from this point only forward. I really do hope I can be strong and keep focused.

    • #114754
      Buddy
      Participant

      Well done beautiful day , you have come so far .. keep strong .. I am jealous 🤣
      Don’t let him pull you back in again x

    • #114757
      Beautifulday
      Participant

      @buddy I feel like I havent come far, but when I look back to a few months ago I can see the progress I made and that’s down to this forum , womens aid and educating myself honestly it is. At this moment I feel I’m still not there yet , he doesn’t gave a clue he’s going to get a divorce letter and im worried about it. I know that one day you will find that strength inside you , its always been there you just will feel that moment when it needs to come out, really you will. I know you can do it too xx

    • #114761
      gettingtired
      Participant

      Hi beautiful day, amazing to read your story and see how strong you’ve been. It also gives me hope that I will get that moment of clarity and find the strength to leave one day so thank you for that x

    • #114762
      Bettertimesahead
      Participant

      Hi. I’m a couple of months ahead in the process. Had letter from my solicitor (detail removed by moderator) he contests the divorce and (detail removed by moderator)…..not sure what is going on in his head. I felt same as you re making that final step and instructing a solicitor but once done I knew it was right. He is going to make it difficult but I’m prepared and the end result will be worth it.

    • #114763
      Buddy
      Participant

      Thanks beautiful day .. you deserve better , you are a lovely person x

    • #114766
      Lotus20
      Participant

      Hi beautifulday,

      There will be beautiful days coming up for you. Well done for the final hard step. Sad ly is not the end and we know it. But is the hard bit and i was told that the hardest bit even is to stick to ourselves and our decision. Remembering that moment of clarity in times of hesitation and doubt.
      Unfortunately, they are not going to make it easy, but because their nature is abusive they are going to make it as hard as possible for us and for our freedom. Because this is the very first time that they feel pain and this pain makes them want to do something to revenge and feel better again.

      I’m saying this from my personal experience. I have all of the feelings that you mentioned, but also a happy feeling a butterfly feeling that i have being to feel occasionally after I left my abuser a few weeks back. But because of how he is, abusive, aggressive and then confusingly manipulative, it is hard to feel the freedom fully without fearing that this happy feeling of freedom would end and things would go wrong. I feel my body is conditioned to feel his control over me all the time even when I’m far away from him l. He is still controlling my body and my mind, I’m still scared of how he is going to react and what is his next mind game or aggressive behaviour. This mainly harder because of the children that are involved. It is not going to be easy for a long time and even my be a life time. But I can for sure say it is worth it. Every minute that you feel free from their control and manipulation and abuse is worth it.
      I am only realizing the impact of how my life and myself have changed only living with an abusive person for only for a few years. I truly believe that psychological abuse is hardest to recover because is harder to disentangle and to realize what has happened and because it covers with confusions and guilt and because of the cycle or abuse l, because they have been extremely nice and charming at times, but you only know that was not genuine and was only after extreme abuse.

      I wish you get your strengths back in your way of recovery whilst you still have to go through the painful legal parts. Best

    • #114771
      KIP.
      Participant

      Hey there. Divorcing while still living together is dangerous. I tried it and within weeks things had escalated to a bad assault and police getting involved. He’s going to try everything to regain control and when you don’t back down, violence. He will go through a whole range of tactics. He may call you bluff as he sees it and want to divorce you, then go back to begging and pleading, threats etc. Or he may just explode. I remember the anxiety of waiting on that letter arriving. My solicitor told me when she’d posted it so could be out but I still had to return. I changed solicitor who used email. Which made much more sense and you can know it’s been read. Letters on mats is not necessary anymore if he has a current email address or has his own solicitor. Talk to you solicitor about this. Maybe for this first letter it’s needed but from now on question it. It adds to the anxiety and he can just say he never received it.

    • #114777
      Beautifulday
      Participant

      Hi @KIP
      I know its going to be a very difficult time, sadly I can’t go anywhere as the house is in my name and all bills so even if I moved out I’d still need some sort of contact with him to make sure he was paying his half , also if I moved out I know he would use this to his advantage say I left him etc etc hes a very crafty person.
      If I left i couldn’t afford to pay for this house plus somewhere else.
      At the moment I’m back in work so trying to pick up longer shifts etc and be out as long as I can, he also doesn’t get home until late ususlly so trying to just keep out of his way.
      I completely agree with you that its going to be dangerous but I dont really have any other option:( his abuse is such atm that doesn’t warrant calling police or though I dont think so and would want to go in a refuge as there are women who are in much worse positions so I wouldn’t really want to take up the space.

    • #114778
      Beautifulday
      Participant

      @Lotus20
      Thank you for your reply!
      I know its not the end, I know its going to now get worse before it gets better but I feel Ive made that step I was so scared to take.

      I’ve lived with his emotional abuse for over a decade and in that time I can see how manipulative he is he has defintely reprogrammed my brain , I feel immensely trauma bonded, I’m a shell of what I used to be. I used to be so confident, outgoing, happy etc.

      I think one of the things that spurred me into making that decision to contact the solicitor is I found out (detail removed by moderator) my one very good friend thr only person who knows what’s im going through really has had a cancer scare, still having tests done etc but doesn’t look good 🙁 in that moment I found out everything sort of changed , my view , it put everything into perspective, that life is too short this along with lockdown has just brought up so many feeling.

      I know im not out of the woods yet and I know its going to be so hard and difficult but I can say that light shining out at me at the end of the tunnel ,xx

    • #114782
      Lisa
      Main Moderator

      Hi Beautifulday

      I just wanted to show you some support, it is nice to see that you have already had some really supportive replies.

      It took so much courage and strength to send that email and I am glad you feel like a huge weight has been lifted. You have done so well and made a positive step forward.

      Take care and please keep posting to let us know how you are,

      Lisa

    • #114783
      KIP.
      Participant

      Hey, if the house is in your name have you thought about an occupation order to have him removed? Keep your phone one you fully charged at all times. I recorded my abuser. He was arrested and even though he was entitled to come to the house I was granted an occupation order. Please ask your solicitor about this as it would be the easiest and safest way. My ex attacked me and I know it’s twisted logic but having him arrested, removed and bail conditions gave me the space I needed to try and sort the divorce which he made so difficult I just gave up. Until he waited (detail removed by moderator) years so I couldn’t divorce him for unreasonable behaviour. Is there someone who can talk to him on your behalf and tell him it’s best he moves out. Did your solicitor put this in her letter? Did she warn him about his behaviour? Is it down in writing ? Is your GP aware? Please report and record it with your GP. This is really useful for an occupation order x

    • #114795
      Beautifulday
      Participant

      Hi @KIP
      Sadly because he hasn’t done anything “bad” in recent months, yes he’s been horrible In making me feel stupid, belittling etc but for the past few weeks its almost as if he senses a change in me and has been on kind of best behaviour I know its all a front. And so I dont think there are grounds for the occupation order? Although the home is in my name we both own it, (detail removed by moderator) so the mortgage advisor said this was the only way. I wish I had never signed as its put me in an awkward situation. If it was in his name only or joint I would have walked out and just kept paying my part until the divorce finalised.

      No way would he go as he says he has nowhere to go, said the only way he’s leaving is if he gets his equity from the house otherwise he has no money to go.

      So to make things easier for myself and just get it over with im just staying here im hoping it will be OK time will only tell.

      She is in thr process of writing up the letter so she will send it to me first for me to agree with it then he will be sent it so it thinking this week or next.

      I haven’t been to my gp as I just didn’t know what to say and didn’t want to seem like I was wasting time? I have kept a journal the past year of everything that’s happened its all dated, ive kept it well hidden , I actually keep it locked away in a place from home.

      Xx

    • #114796
      Beautifulday
      Participant

      @Lisa
      Thank you so much for your support it really does mean so much, and I honestly believe I wouldn’t have gained this courage without womens aid and the ladies on this forum. I felt strong yesterday today I feel numb, guilty like what I did was wrong. I know these feelings are normal trying to keep busy.

      I know I have a long road ahead but I know I made the right step x*x

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