I can’t believe it’s come to this!

[Optimystic]

Hi, I’m new on here. My friend sent me the link as she felt that it would help me to get support from women like me. It took me a while, but yesterday I had a look through some topics and I couldn’t believe how much I identified with the emotional abuse you are or have experienced. I’ve been with my partner a long time. There were definite red flags. Punching walls, throwing furniture, tirades of vile abuse directed at me etc. This always happened when alcohol was involved. I blamed myself too for making him angry/saying the wrong thing. He always apologised and made everything fine again. Nothing changed except now, it doesn’t take alcohol! He is actually nastier now without it. But also fun and nice sometimes. My son is affected now though. He’s (detail removed by moderator) and he asks me not to challenge his dad as it will make things worse. But he gets shouted at and sworn at. Says he hates the house and he doesn’t trust me to make it stop. My partner acts like nothing’s happened! He sings! Doesn’t say sorry anymore. If he doesn’t like something he shouts and intimidates. Doesn’t accept any responsibility. Can’t have an adult conversation whatsoever. Cuts it dead, walks off or acts like you haven’t even spoken. I’ve actually never felt so miserable. I was actually going to ask if this is abuse? Also, why has it taken so long to get to this? Why has it escalated to happening without alcohol? I don’t understand. I don’t feel he’s devious I actually just feel like he’s oblivious to what pain he’s causing me and his son. Like it’s not even a thing. Sorry! First post and it’s probably harder to get out everything that I’d be so so grateful for someone to help me with. I do sometimes feel I’m making a mountain out of a molehill but my son is now ringing alarm bells for me. I need to protect him from harm.

[KIP.]

Please contact your local women’s aid. They absolutely saved me. Read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven and Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. Abuse in front of a child is child abuse and this will have a lasting detrimental effect on their mental health as well as yours. Google the cycle of abuse, trauma bonding, gaslighting, cognitive dissonance. What you describe is abuse and it always gets worse and as you say the ‘honeymoon phase’ gets less and less. There’s also the domestic abuse helpline too. Well done to your friend for signposting you here. I’d hang onto her 💕

[KIP.]

We do minimise abuse as a way of coping and it also becomes normal And like you we feel like we are over reacting but you’re not. Especially when your child is involved trying to protect you from his father. That’s not his job As a child he should be looking to you for protection. Your husband isn’t oblivious to the pain he causes because he does it deliberately. For years I blamed alcohol but a lovely lady from women’s aid pointed out that many people drink alcohol and do not abuse, and how come he only abuses when there are no outside witnesses. Because he knows it’s wrong and he would be arrested. There’s no point in trying to discuss his behaviour as you’ve probably tried so many times. He’s simply not interested in your feelings. Make a safe exit plan with your local women’s aid but do not tell him anything. It’s the most dangerous time for a woman when we leave x

[Optimystic]

Thank you so much for taking the time to read a wee bit of my story and giving me such valuable advice. I am so grateful! If I was to mention the words child abuse to him I couldn’t begin to imagine the reaction. Well I could, so I won’t! Hearing that he doesn’t care about my feelings doesn’t even shock or hurt me because I don’t know how he can even like me. But for me hearing the words child abuse is something that does hurt me deeply. And thank you for saying this because I needed to hear it from someone who knows. I feel a lot of relief just now. I suppose I just don’t know what to say to my son to minimise the impact on his mental health when we leave, but WA might help me with that? Thanks again, and I’ll make contact and educate myself reading those suggestions. I’ve read cycle of abuse when I looked through other postings. That’s enlightened me a lot. I can see why it never ends and why it will never end staying put. I identified with that so much. Oh, and my friend is amazing! I’m so lucky ♥️. I only told her during lockdown because that was unbearably bad. I’m feeling the effects of that still. I kept a diary. I’ve just remembered I kept a diary before! But I deleted it. I’m wondering why I did that! Writing this, I think I know why xx

[KIP.]

Women’s aid are fantastic with children too. There is the freedom programme for women and also a similar programme for children but from what you’ve said I think your son will back you all the way and understand why he can’t live with his father. Sounds like he knows his father’s behaviour is wrong which is good because many children abuse their mothers because they learn that behaviour from their father. My son did and it’s the sting in the tail of domestic abuse so get out while your son has t been brainwashed by his father’s behaviour. Lundy Bancroft has a book I think it’s called When Daddy Hurts Mummy. Might give you an idea of what it’s like from the child’s view. There is lots of help out there. The NSPCC have a helpline too. Stay strong. Knowledge Is Power. KIP x

[Optimystic]

Thank you again. My son is unbelievably mature, I forget he’s so young sometimes. He gets it. He even understands this cycle of abuse without ever reading it! He knows this calm period is fake and almost plays along. So sick! 😔

[KIP.]

Yes but in a way he’s learning and being exposed to abuse. You don’t want it to become his ‘normal’ where he thinks all relationships like this are normal and healthy. Children from abusive homes are far more likely to be abused as adults. He shouldn’t have to be unbelievably mature, he should be focusing on being a kid and enjoying his childhood. Abuse stunts growth for us and also our children. When his head is full of fear it leaves little room for much else. Much the same for us. All that time and energy wasted on keeping the peace and appeasing our abuser when we should be growing and enjoying life. Talk to women’s Aid. Build a support network around you and get all your ducks in a row because as your gut will be telling you, leaving this man will bring a different kind of abuse so protect yourself and your child x

[Optimystic]

I just wish so much I’d come on here years ago. Thank you. I know this so much, and feel I have validation now. I’m going to get in touch with WA and I’d already thought about seeing a financial adviser so I know options for the house etc. Thank you again 😊

[Beautifulday]

Hi there! And welcome to the forum! You’ve made a brave first step.
This what you describe is without doubt abuse, like you I was doubting myself still do but through coming to the forum and getting advice from the lovely ladies here who have been through it or still going through it I was able to know that I’m also in an abusive relationship and now taking steps to leave.

I can resonate with lots you said especially the not wanting communication, walking off. My H does this a lot , he’s fine and nice UNTIL you disagree with him or ask something he’s not happy with, or say something that he feels us criticising him (which its not) he doesn’t like any questioning or if I ask to do things in our home and act like a team if he’s not happy with the request its a no and he will walk off. Even now when I’ve broached im.not happy he won’t have an adult conversation with me .

What i would advise os definitely call your local womens aid they are fantastic, you’ll feel nervous I did but I promise you once you start talking it will all come out, I remained in touch with my support worker via email she is so supportive and helpful .

Also get a free 30 mins with a solicitor and ask about your options where you stand in regard to your home. Ive also done this and i also contacted my mortgage advisor to see if I could financially buy him out, the solicitor won’t be able to tell you this only a mortgage advisor. But solicitor will answer queries regarding everything else I wrote down what I wanted to ask. She is now on standby for when I want to proceed.

Also I would say start putting money by in a secret account it all adds up and gives you a feeling of being stronger. Keep reading books , keep educating yourself you’ve got this and we are all here for you too lovely xx

[Optimystic]

I don’t think I replied to your comment properly 🙈. Hopefully you see it ok underneath 😊

[Optimystic]

Thank you so much Beautifulday. I’m just understanding everything that I knew was wrong over so many years. If it wasn’t for lockdown I wouldn’t be on here. It’s like it intensified and magnified everything a thousand times. Since then I’ve been detaching myself and I feel he’s noticing this, which is causing odder behaviour and more shouting/aggression as well. I’m noticing more passive aggressive behaviour as well. I feel very nervous around him just now because it’s like he knows I know something. He’s nice on the surface but I feel like I’m being punished very subtley. Everything just feels weird! But, your practical advice is really welcome. 4 months ago I just felt so trapped and sick because I couldn’t think of a single way to leave. It feels more possible now. Thank you x

[KIP.]

It might feel weird because you’re beginning to see his game and it’s unnerving and frightening. We live in survival mode for so long we becomes used to living with the abuse but when our eyes are opened it can become very scary x

[Author]

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