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    • #51779

      It’s all getting on top of me. Therapy, working full time. I feel extremely low. I was even thinking of crashing my car yesterday so I could end up in hospital to get some respite. My back is so painful, my heart aches and there’s so much pain inside. Christmas doesn’t help it’s a triggering time cos I wasn’t allowed to see my own family during this time. I had a sibling come over with their spouse a few weeks ago and it all triggered me so much I just felt so low adter the whole week. I’m having daily breaks at lunch time everyday I can’t keep doing this. Having therapy is helping but it’s releasing such harrowing thoughts and feelings. I have zero confidence I put a big front on eveehday. I am on anti depressants but the stress and pressure of work is too much. I struggle to get out of bed and I don’t see friends at all I don’t want to see anyone when I’m feeling like this. I nearly scrapped my car the other day because I was so tried I dont sleep well I can’t relax I can’t stop over thinking I am just in a vicious cycle x

    • #51801

      Hi Positiveandlookingahead, so sorry you’re going through this really rough patch. Me too, it sucks! Christmas cheer doesn’t help either. Therapy is always rough because you have to drag up all those memories to deal with them, but as you remember the incidents, so too come the emotional turmoil you went through. It’s normal, but horrendous to cope with. You have to focus on the end result, the healing. I think of it like chemo to treat cancer. You feel worse for a while but you just have to focus on being cured, healing and becoming stronger and healthy again.
      Don’t lose hope! I know sometimes that’s really hard to do. Things are never quite as black as they seem. Take time off sick if that’s what you feel is right for you at the moment. That’s what I’m doing, I needed a time out. I was trying to do what you’re doing: work, therapy and living with my abuser whilst planning to leave him. Messed with my mind! I had a couple of close calls in the car, made mistakes at work, then had to break my silence and face the fact he was abusing me and had been for decades.
      Don’t push yourself too hard. Coast for a while until you feel stronger. I’m anti meds too, but I’ve had to give in for a while, there’s no shame in taking meds to get you through the crisis point. Hang on in there. Phone the helplines and keep posting. Look at the positive posts and keep keep reminding yourself of the positive things and people in your life. Write down every good and positive thing that you think of, that happens to you and that you see/hear etc. These are all positive and hopeful and will help you through, help you soldier on, until you’re ready to start fighting back again. You didn’t mention whether you’re out yet, but if you are then that’s a huge positive. If like me you’re planning that’s still a really positive step. Posting on here and getting replies is also very positive and hopefully helpful. Just knowing you’re not alone and someone knows what you’re going through, cares and offers support I find brilliant. Don’t give up hope. Tomorrow is a new day. Going to therapy is a hard, but really good thing. Stick with it and things will start getting better. Hugs, take care

    • #51802

      I’ve had several breakdowns over the last couple of days and have said that I don’t want to be here. Today I had suicidal thoughts I just wanted to take some painkillers to numb the pain. I rang the Samaritans as soon as I felt like that. I’m going to tell my parents tomorrow how low I feel it’s awful. Therapy is reliving the abuse my body feels like I’m being pulled at from my feet and all my organs are being pulled out. It’s almost as if there is poison inside me from being married to him and it’s being removed from my body. It’s so painful I can’t sleep, I can’t focus, I can’t think straight everything is going round and round in my head. I’m mentally and physically exhausted. My birthday is coming up in a few months it’s a big one and I cannot believe what has happened to me. My body my mind my heart and emotions are finally acknowledging what a harrowing thing that I have been through. Talking to a therapist has made me realise that I was in an abusive relationship. I’ve had nightmares of reaching out to him and contacting him and even getting back together with him!!!! He was even trying to kill me by strangling me as a punishment for leaving him. He did tell my dad he would never see my face again and this actually started to happen. I feel so so so much distress, anxiety and so unstable. They say therapy is supposed to help but it’s making me feel worse right now. I’m not in any danger now how did I ever manage to stay with such a vile person? I have no self belief of confidence anymore I don’t trust anyone and have become similar to him in the sense of I have become a recluse!!! I don’t want to see anyone or socialise or do anything what’s happening to me who am I and what’s going on with my body and my mind I feel so distressed please help x

    • #51820

      Maybe the anti depressants are not helping?
      When I feel low I scream.
      I yell out everything.
      After that I am usually very tired. I (detail removed by moderator)fall into a deep sleep for a few hours.
      I have these episodes every few weeks.
      I go along with them.
      Sometimes I go to the park and scream. The people there usually look at me horrified, but who cares.

    • #51837

      I am sorry to hear you are going through this awful patch Positiveandlookingahead. But better days are in your future. Give yourself what you need. You dont want to see anyone now dont see anyone, you dont want to do anything right now dont do anything. We understand what you are going through. Give your body and mind what they call for. Sometimes it helps reaching out and you reached out to us, good for you. You are not alone. Do you have any supportive friends/ family you can talk to right now? I’ve used calming music to help me during times similiar to what you are going through. I’ve screamed a couple times too… I have stayed in bed and listened to my breathing. I stretch my inhales and exhales. I’ve held a piece of ice in my hand so I can feel something other than pain. You are supported here Positiveandlookingahead. Please post as much as you need to… hugs

    • #51848
      Main Moderator

      Hi Possitiveandlookingahead,

      I just want to show you some support. I am pleased to see that you have had some lovely advice and replies. Please phone your out of hours GP number or if the hours are very minimal over this weekend and for next week then you can go to A&E and tell them how low you are. They may be able to give you some medication to help you in the short term. If the therapy is triggering for you to the extent you are describing it might be that the therapy is not right for you at this time and perhaps a different route might be an option. Please reach out to your family, you are not alone and be kind to yourself. Christmas can be a terrible time if you are feeling low so just try to look after yourself, stay warm, try to eat healthily, do a little bit of exercise even if it is just a little walk or some stretches in the house and get as much rest as you can. If sleep is hard then perhaps you could just relax with a good book and hopefully that will make you feel more calm and centred. You are doing brilliantly.

      We are all here for you. Look after yourself.

      Best wishes,

      Forum Moderator

    • #51855

      I tried to take a  overdose. Police just came and an ambulance was ordered. I’m going to see mental health specialists crisis team at the hospital with my mum

    • #51856

      So sorry to hear this. It’s not your fault. Try to get help from a specialist in trauma and domestic abuse. I’m still suffering PTSD. It’s your bodies normal natural reaction to trauma. Just hang on in there x you have support on here. You’re not alone ❤️

    • #51857

      For what it’s worth I think it’s reliving the abuse through the therapy. Mine was horrendous and brought up real nasty incidents I’d pushed out my mind. Maybe it’s too soon for you to tackle this while dealing with others stresses. Christmas is stressful time on its own. Thinking of you.

    • #51869

      So sorry to hear how low you are feeling Positive, it sounds like you have been pushing yourself by working full time and going through such intense therapy. It sounds like you need a rest and for chance to process the therapy and what happened to you. I hope you get good support at the hospital and that the therapists there understand trauma from domestic abuse. Make sure they know that is what you are suffering from. Sending you a big hug. I really hope you are ok. Keep hanging on, Christmas is a notoriously difficult time for mental health due to all the pressure and expectation, the silly ‘perfect couple/perfect family’ adverts, the money pressure, the crowds, the pressure to socialise and pretend everything is great, the way we often look back at this time of year and feel we have somehow failed if we aren’t super successful superwoman. Take it one day, one hour, one minute at a time, it will get better.

    • #51872

      Hi thanks for your help. I’m home now. It’s the therapy that is making me feel like this. I’m taking some time off work and going to sleep rest go for walks and do yoga. It’s been such a traumatic day for us all as a family. So scary.i just want to lie in a blanket with my mum and that’s what I am going to do. X

    • #51873

      Good for you. Time for some tender loving care. Take it easy x it will get better

    • #51874

      I just wanted to send my love and to say I’m thinking of you. I’m too low to think of anything positive to say ( and the ladies here are amazing and I agree with what they say) I feel your pain and it’s b****y c**p .

    • #51884

      There is no shame in needing to take time to heal. I am sorry things went so far before you got it. I know how hard it can be to grant yourself that though, especially after abuse. I ended up taking almost 4 months (and I have not even started therapy yet) – it came about through complicated circumstances involving leaving my ex, health problems and a lack of finances. But it was what I needed, and now my head is in a better place I am glad my life went to hell because it allowed me to take time to heal. Look after yourself.

    • #51893

      Thank you all for your lovely messages. I’m so glad I have you all here it means so much. Yes therapy is stopping it’s too much I’m not stable at the moment. I’ve felt every single emotion today. Anger, shock, pain, confusion, completely dead inside. I have never attempted to take my own life before but trying to do it has made me realise how low I really am. It’s also been a huge release and a huge sense of relief getting that out of my system. The two police officers that came were both men and they were so understanding about domestic abuse and about depression and anxiety it shocked me. They were so compassionate towards me and they encouraged me to see the crisis team. I think this has been a long time coming. I’m just so glad I live in this country where there is help. You’ve all been so kind. I know I’m not out of the woods today was really traumatic and has shocked me x

    • #51936

      I woke up today feeling happy that it’s Christmas but now I feel so angry that my mum and police intervened yesterday. It’s my choice it’s my consequences and my decision!!!!! I have to again go through the mental torture for yet another day. I know they care about me but that doesn’t stop me from being angry!!!!!!!

    • #51937

      Hey, there’s only one person who deserves your anger and that’s your abuser. Sometimes we don’t actually know what is right for ourselves and it takes others to intervene. Try to give it a couple of days before reacting. You’re still traumatised and emotional. I was all over the place and irrational. It sounds like you were in a bad way and may have reacted the same in their shoes. Don’t add anymore stress just now. Just take things hour by hour x go back to feeling happy it’s Xmas. Everything else can wait.

    • #51943

      Thanks I’m just going to try and rest and sleep. Feel so so drained. I don’t want to be anywhere but in the comfort of my own home. Emotions are all over the place I just want this mental torture to stop! That’s all I want. I actually feel like someone has been bashing my head with a brick. I’m just taking it hour by hour try and look at something positive on my iPad to district my mind or maybe listen to some music x

    • #51984

      Hi positive,

      Sorry you’ve had such an awful time.

      Definitely take some time off, you need to heal. If you broke a bone you’d take time off sick! Also, try to keep your hands busy whilst you feel so low. It calms you- perhaps crochet? Or knitting? I taught myself to sew when things were really bad for me. and not only does your brain calm down, you have something to show for the time you have spent resting. Look after yourself.

      Also, again when things were really bad, I used to call a Samaritans helpline, just to get me over the hump of feeling so low. Well worth it.

      Keep strong. X*x

    • #52119

      Hey Positive
      Just sending you a hug. Remember we are all here for you. You’ve been through a lot and it’s understandable that you feel the way you do. You are also very capable though and you can get through this. It’s a really difficult time of year. The abuse can really mess with our heads. I took time off work as i felt unwell due to mental health issues from abuse. There is no shame in it. Things will get better for us all.

    • #52175

      Hey ladies thanks for your kind words 😊. I have seriously taken a step back from everything
      I’ve contacted my counsellor and told her I won’t be pursuing it at this time because it’s too painful. I’ve also spoken with my employer confidentially about suffering from depression and they said I should take time off and come back to work when I’m ready and they will have a chat about how to support me. I’m deciding that I’m putting the abuse in a box and I’m locking that box up and throwing it on a river (not literally just theorically). My employer was so understanding and did not judge me for wanting to stop the pain go. I’ve also contacted a mental health charity for support. I think they maybe closed for the Xmas period but I feel so proud to have made that step. I have taken a step back and realised how far I have come. I can and I will do this I still have time to go and I’m thinking of different strategies to get me through my day when things get on top of me
      . I don’t think I’ll ever get over being in an abusive marriage but I think with time things will get better. Each day this week I’ve taken small steps like washing up, hoovering slowly tidying up. It’s exhausted me at times but slowly I’m trying to take care of myself and the things around me. Also been cleaning my surroundings. I won’t let this beat me and I would never change my experience I love who I am and what I know so thank you abuser. I think j will get through this and I’m taking time out for myself because I never ever want to be that distressed again. This will not destroy me I’m going to destroy it. Xxxx

    • #52176

      @Lightness and @Appleblossom you are totally right your mental health is so important if anything it’s more important than your physical health! I’ve continued to keep pushing myself and got to a stage where it all got too much and I exploded. I’ve started to help my mum prepare food like chop and peel things it’s amazing how therapeutic it is. It takes my mind off things and I also feel good cos I’m helping my mum out. Got family over now but I’m comfortable enough to know when I need a break. I also recognise when I need to be alone. When I’m back to work on going to be kind to myself each and everyday whether it’s to try a new recipe, do yoga, read a book watch a movie. Life should be exciting and and enjoyable because I’ve left the abusive relationship I am no longer there and mentally I will get to a place when it feels like it no longer affects me. One step at a time I’ve made so much progress in one week alone. I enter this new year with no fighting against him anymore that divorce is granted and no more battling with myself. I have depression and I’m going to find ways to cope with my day to day life and no man will never take advantage of the fact that I have a mental illness I’m far wiser now x*x

    • #52186

      Hey positive. I don’t look at it as a mental illness. I look at it as a personal injury. An injury to my mental health caused by another person. Just like a broken bone. I’m glad youre feeling better. It’s good that you’re able to help others on the forum with your wisdom. That is positive x

    • #52193

      Hi positive, I just wanted to say how glad I am that you’re feeling stronger and happier. I was really worried about you.
      Remember all the things which have helped you. Make notes for yourself. I don’t want to put a downer on your amazing progress, but just be prepared for bad days. I don’t know if you’ve experienced depression before, if you have I apologise. No one told me what to expect. Everyone is different and copes differently. But I think if I’m prepared I have a better chance of coping. You may experience bad days in the future. Sometimes it’s due to an outside influence, but it can just happen out of the blue. I was told on about my fourth episode of mental health issues not to think of it as being cured, but that we learn to manage it. It really helped me to think of it like that. I too had a really low patch and became obsessed with finding a way to end my suffering. It shocked me to the core and took what felt like such an age to get over only to be knocked straight back down as I started reaching the point where I felt normal most of the time. I completely panicked because I couldn’t face going back to that dark place. But later I was told about managing techniques and it was a life saver. You know the signs now so watch out for them. You know how to get yourself through the rough patches. Fear makes it 10 times worse, so stay calm and reach out to anyone and everyone as soon as you start seeing the signs. You’ve done fantastically well. Remember that. Keep posting and keep tabs on how you’re feeling. Most importantly take things slowly, plenty of rest, but also keep yourself occupied with manageable tasks, hobbies, catching up with friends/family when you feel up to it. Just be gentle with yourself for a while. Be proud of your achievements , hugs

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