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Hi Shiny,
You’ve come so far.
I completely understand how invasive this must sound to you and indeed, any intimate examination is invasive.
But Shiny, these are medical people who wish to help and they can help to get your abuser punished and away from you. Maybe this thought will help you feel better about it? Can you speak to someone beforehand about how this is making you feel? They should have someone there surely who you can receive assistance from?
I hope other ladies can offer you some soothing advice X
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Sending hugs shiny.
I agree with serenity it must feel so overwhelming and sounds so invasive. But you have come so far, can you keep telling yourself the more evidence thay can get will get him away from you and the punishment he deserves. Is there anyone that can go with you?
Stay strong you are so brave.
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Hi Shiny you can do it. Yes its frightening and you’ll be scared and embarrassed and it will bring it all back. But as Serenity says these are medical specially trained people who’ve been through this with others so they’re expert and they’ll be sensitive to your anxiety.
Keep focussed on why it’s happening and keep positive. I believe in you and I know your a tough woman x*x -
The police lady explained it all to me…and said they can sedate you but I don’t think I can do it..not from how she described it. I don’t know how to say what they do but it sounds bad. I know they are professional and all this but to put it bluntly I can’t let them put camera up me. It makes me think to much of the things he did. when I think about it I can’t breathe and now I got worse again with bleaching and scrubbing all the time. He’s going to win isn’t he?
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Hi Hun
YOU’ve done so well so far, i know this procedure will make u feel uncomfortable, but hun please go through with this, this maybe what will get the justice u r so due, the evidence they need, you may think its been over a month there no evidence of scarring but there might be if they need to insert a camera and they wouldnt be suggesting if they didnt think. Please re think your decison, i would ask for a female dr and for an assistant to give u reassurance, take the sedation it will help u relax , these are proferssionals and im sure u will receive loads of support thorughout the examination. please do this for yourself and for your children , send that strong message that men cannot do this to us and get away
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Hi Shiny
I understand the fear. I had my smear this month. Luckily I was able to insert it myself.
I don’t know if you have had a rape and sexual abuse counsellor maybe they can help if you have one.
He just twisted everything about your sexual and gynaecological health.
I will tell you that I had pleasurable sex both ways and I can sit down properly and I don’t need pain killers.
That said they can give you some numbing gel that maybe you can rub on yourself and a few ibuprofen and codeine tablets won’t go amiss. I haven’t had this in a sexual situation but for contraceptive gynecology which requires a physical insertion and opening the vagina and dilating the cervix. I had two women inserting my mirena ius. It wasn’t painful just weird and uncomfortable but I was able to relax as much as possible. What they insert will be smaller than a penis, if that helps. I’m not sure if they showed you the instruments they will be using. For my mirena they showed me it and the insertion tube. I just thought…that’s smaller than a tampon. the biggest and most uncomfortable this is the speculum but they have different sizes and they can adjust them if you are uncomfortable or in pain.
We as women unfortunately have to endure these things but it is so we have some control and protection over our bodies.
if its any consolation I had a boyfriend who had digestion probably and he had to have a camera up the bum to the intestines to make sure it wasn’t cancer or ulcer. he was able to brave it because it was for his health.
This examination is for your health, mental and physical and to protect you and your kids and any other woman who would be so unfortunate to come across your abuser ever. He needs to be stopped. He won’t be able to dispute the physical evidence.
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Sahara I know you are eight about stopping him, but reading your post I just want to faint. I don’t even know what this things are but im scared of it all. I’ve done ok but sometimes I want to go back….beneath a veil.sometimes it feels like he was my protector even though he wasn’t. what scares me as well is that if this gets to court his family will be there and people who will tell my family and they will be so ashamed. They don’t want to know me anyway because I involved police but this will seal it. They will show picture of my body because of the marks from the cable…pictures of me without clothes and descriptionsof the most private things. That are going to put a tube with a camera…how can it be ok to let them do this then talk publicly about it. I was offered someone to help me get through it from refuge the organisation but I don’t know. I feel like I did after he did it…disgusting and dirty. Please don’t say I have courage I dont I prefer to go back to bring I visible to letting everyone see my soul
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Oooo shiny you are not letting anyone down. You need to do what is best for you.
I can totally understand what you are saying about court, I keep thinking about not wanting (detail removed by Moderator) because I don’t want to go through it again. Strangers discussing all the horrible things he did.
What I can say having already given (detail removed by Moderator) is, you don’t have to see any of them you can give evidence under special measures via video link from a different court.
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Trust me, Shiny, it will not be half as bad as you think. There are people who need these investigations because they have cancer. It saves them from dying.
In your case they look for injuries. This equipment is first of all much thinner than a penis and they put numbing gel on it. You do not need to be scared of this. I was very blunt here, I know. But it is as it is.When you go to court request that his family is not allowed in the court room! They will respect your privacy! You need to tell them! You can even request that he is not there, only his lawyers for certain stages of the trial.
These people deal with that every day. Do not worry too much about what they see. Just make sure his family is banned from the court room. -
Thanks so much…your words have made me feel calmer….Thank you. I’ve gone beak a few steps as I’m back to scrubbing and bleaching and all that obsessive stuff. I can’t say when I have to ho, but I still have time to think. (detail removed by Moderator) I’m torn because I want him punished but nnot sure I can do it. I remember when I was on the the old forum that’s when he did it and I got so much support from everyone on here when I had to do pregnancy test and get tested for stI and again when it turned out he gave me chlamydia. In many ways I never felt better than I do now, and I’m nervous that the fragile peace and happiness might be shattered. It was so hard to leave him and to get h out if my life at least I can be proud of that
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I still go through stages like you. I get anxious when I’m happy because of all the times he would “pull the rug from under me”. I think it will take time for our minds to realise we are safe and they cannot hurt us anymore. I still occasionally obsessively clean the house or rearrange my clothes. It gives me a sense of normality. Don’t be hard on yourself. You’ve been through a lot. (detail removed by Moderator) That was my chance and I didn’t know if I would ever get another one. The Justice system can be a real joke❤️
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Yes KIP…making normality. I like everything in order and calm because I lived with fear and unpredictability. The bleaching and scrubbing my hands got a lot worse when I found he gave me chlamydia and after the assault I like to wash in detail it’s makes me feel so much better to think I am getting his dirt off me.
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I think it’s the worry of knowing it’s going to happen. This is often worse than the actual act. I think once you get it over with, you will be fine. It’s just knowing it’s another awful thing to go through. I’m sure you will be fine. These doctors are trained to put you at ease and should talk you through it. It would be a shame not to add this proof to your case. I’m not surprised you’re thinking about this. Brain chatter. Your brain trying to deal with it.
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I developed OCD, PTSD, binge eating from all of what I have been through. I still do not care much about my looks but I get better.
You need to be patient with yourself. Do what makes you feel better. We need years to recover. That is not an overnight process.
Hang in there. Fight to get justice.
One thing I can promise you: in several years you will be proud of yourself that you let him pay for what he did to you.
The police deal with women like us every day. They want us to get justice. They are usually very good.
The problem is with the patriarchal courts. The judges live 200 years backwards and do not sentence as they should. For this reason you really need to give a strong performance. It will pay off. x*x -
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Shine Bright,
With such deep level physical and psychological trauma, there needs to be some healing treatment I think.I was thinking something like Bikram Yoga- which is done in a heated room- or some deep meditation class which focuses on deep breathing and the body.
(detail removed by Moderator) If you look in your area, you may find a free class like this which can go a little way at least to helping you heal from the psychological and physical trauma. It is no good suppressing this trauma, as all that needs to happen is a triggering experience, and the terror and flashbacks return ( as you are experiencing now, lovely Shiny).
Melanie Tonia Evans, one of my favourite experts on abuse ( see melanietoniaevans.com) runs some profound therapy sessions, called Quanta Healing, incorporating theta-brainwave healing, kinesiology, etc.
Unfortunately, Melanie lives on the other side of the world, literally ( Australia), or else I would sign up for her Quanta Healing sessions!
Many women here whose trauma remains in situ in their bodies have turned to things like EMDR ( eye movement therapy) and other things to shift the trauma, or kick start the healing.
It’s perfectly natural that you are triggered like this in this situation, but I was wondering if you had thought about any therapies for the long-term. I myself needed to turn to reflexology, reiki, spa treatments and now I depend upon running for my healing. If I don’t run, my power lessens and my sense of trauma increases.
As your abuse was so violently physical, I wondered whether some gentle physical therapy might help you get in touch with your body again in a positive way. Even gentle massage.
I will say again, Shiny, as I have before, you are amazingly brave. x*x
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I like the idea of yoga or something like that. ironically I wanted to it after my third child but he didn’t like it because it’s connected to Hinduism but I’d like to try it.
can I ask ..what do they do when do a smear test he thought it would be wrong and sinful. He said its only for people who sleep around but I know that I could have got hpv from him.
I don’t know what happening to me at the minute just so haunted. keep remembering how I used sweat because of fear when he was going to do stuff, but we we were first together he was different.gentle.
I could never get a massage.. I don’t want anyone to touch me. sometimes I feel bad because I think about what it might be like to be with a man who was gentle and kind. One time when he had hit me over the back with an electric cable I went to a male friend… my on male friend. I don’t know why I did, I just needed help. He did help me. I didn’t want him to see my body, but he needed to unstick my shirt because the blood was making it stick to my back He did a little bit at a time and cleaned everything. I still feel a bit ashamed about that. What struck me was just how soft and gentle he was….I feel like I’m bad to think about it. My husband was gentle to me too afterwards he brought flowers and he let me sleep on my front and just kissed me instead of pestering me….I thought he was sorry….but I couldn’t forgive him even if he was. I could barely even get my clothes on for a week just because I lost something.
I’d like to run. I used to be a good runner when I was young, but when we moved abroad my family wouldn’t allow it and by then I was in in (detail removed by Moderator) anyway. maybe I’ll start running again.
Is it bad that im having these thoughts? He always accused me of being a cheat and thought because I hadn’t been cut or circumsised I would be checking out men. He was angry when he found out I wasn’t stitched up. I’m so confused my head us full of noise. -
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Hi shine bright. You are not a bad person never ever think that. You havent done anything wrong.
No God is ever going to see you as evil – they see all sides and everything, not just what your evil husband wants them. I can’t believe any God would not love and protect you and empower you to be strong and be there for you at all times. I don’t understand all details of your religion and I hope I haven’t upset you by saying that.
You asked about smear test. It’s good to have one for health check. It’s not the most comfortable experience in the world but it’s far far less stressful and humiliating than rape I promise you (so is the examination the police doctors have asked you to consider! )
There’s a few bits of information on internet the nhs leaflet explains things. The speculum they put inside you to allow the test to be done looks horrendous – most nurses have plastic small ones which are much better and I promise you it is notthing at all like rape. I’ve had a smear since I left and was dreading it after what he’d done to me but it was ok. No pain just a medical test done by a professional and kind nurse who knows all women dislike smears!
Thinking of you x*x -
Thank you for all the kindness and knowledge. I’m not having a good time. I seem to be going backwards. I’m going through a)ll this and thinking about what he did, but sometimes I still want him. I’m just wondering if anyone else has flash backs but as a sort of feeling more than an image. Sometimes I can be doing something normal and I will remember how something felt my back is a big thing…I still have scars but sometimes it’s like I can feel blood and bruises and stiffness.is this normal? and even more weird I’m thinking about when he was nice. In my mind kindness is associated with pain and hurt.
Also can I just ask what is this speculum thing that people have mentioned. I haven’t ever really talked about this in English so not sure of all the terms. God ….I think I’m going crazy. Please can u help me Coz I don’t know who talk to. -
Hi Shine bright – the speculum thing is a piece of medical equipment that is used to allow the doctor or nurse to look inside you. There are pictures on internet – they look really scary and if I’d looked at them before I had my first smear done I’d be saying NO WAY would I want anyone to put that inside me! But it is not painful like forced sex, in fact it’s not painful at all just uncomfortable, worse of you get all tensed up which we all tend to after what we’ve been through but it is OK honestly! The speculum would be used if the doctor needed to look inside you to do a smear test or perhaps to look for injuries. They might not need it in your case with the police doctors – they may just use a bright light and their gentle hands.
Please try not to get too worked up about this (easy to say hard to do I know!). Why not arrange to have a chat with the police who suggested it and get them to explain to you exactly what the examination they’d like you to have done really involves, maybe show you how they’d do it with photo or video first? Sometimes the things we fear most are those we don’t understand but once it’s explained in a way we can understand than the fear reduces.
As for your Q about flash backs of feelings not images I get that – smelled his aftershave the other day in a shop – nearly ran a mile, a little while ago my daughter had a nightmare and was upset and came into my room to wake me up – she touched me and I thought it was him, sometimes a song will spark a memory and I feel sick and get panicky. It’s getting better as time goes on band the bad memories are more easily buried now as long as I keep fighting them off.
You are doing fantastically. Keep positive.
Much love and positive thoughts x*x -
that u white rose. Police lady is going to get them to talk me through it all. I like her coz she is very straightforward and honest. so grateful for all the help and encouragement…It really helps. I don’t wanna go backwards and talking here helps. scared ill end up back cutting myself and all of that or worse I will somehow end up back wiv him just because I’m so scared not to be. I never talked about sex in English or much in Arabic either so here is the only place I feel free to talk about what he did.Although I’ve talked to police which has been so hard and sometimes I didn’t even know the right words, but they helped me. It’s hard to shake the feeling of shame…that what I’m doing Is wrong. my life was so isolated..just wiv my own community and only had their view. It really helps to talk to different people…Thank you all.
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Don’t keep thinking about it. Just focus on healing your physical scars and your emotional scars will heal too in time. I know you must feel overwhelmed about this but you are stronger than you believe you are and I know you can do it. Keep strong x*x
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