7th July 2016 at 1:23 am #21134StarmoonParticipant
It’s been a hellish few days and it takes me so long to preses it all and conclude I wasn’t wrong or irrational in any of the things I’ve said and done over the last few days. That in its self is a huge leap for me. It’s so hard to tell myself ‘well done- you did the rite thing’… But it’s better!! I am proud of myself! I just hope I can carry on these battles.
I’ve had a horrible relationship- in fact that’s an understatement!
And the authorities that have been involved have failed me. Im literally in a tornado of emotions in my head because the longer I’m away from him (despite some moments of weakness where I blame myself) the more my eyes open to how bad it really was. It’s like I now relive these situations again but threw different eyes. I’m looking back on eveything and picking it apart and asking myself was I the cause of the bad feeling… Mostly I’m thinking no I wasn’t. Obviously taking in to account the drip fed c**p over years and all the self doubt that’s drilled in to my head by him. Here’s a silly example of how I was constantly on egg shells wondering how to talk to him. Myself, him and my daughter set off out for the day in his van. She had some crisps and he instantly shouted at her not to get ANY on the floor or seats (she’s young). I jumped to her defense and said if she did I’d clean it. I obviously felt it was unfair of him to make her feel guilty if she did drop any by mistake. I didn’t want her being scared. He got in my face, he said I didn’t need to be so stupid offering the clean it up. How pathetic I was and how out of order I was for snapping at him like that… How I always spoilt the day and made him unhappy.
So I spent the drive saying I was sorry and that I was just trying to make sure my daughter didn’t get upset. But that I wasn’t implying he’d deliberately upset her- just that as she was only young and sensitive, I knew it would. And my response was to reassure her as much as him- that if the van did get crisps in by accident I would sort it out. He told me that I wasn’t teaching her responsibility and I was undermining him. He ignored us for the rest of the day. At lunch time I offered to buy us food. I was queuing to pay and he came over thrusting money in my face to get him a drink. My response was simple ‘I can get you a drink’… When I sat down I reached for his hand which he pulled away… When I asked what was wrong he told me I had been speaking to him like s**t all day and he was sick of it. So once again I was saying I was sorry and didn’t mean it.
That was my life day in day out. If I’d just had some self worth to not let him make me believe I was wrong or a bad person then it all could’ve been so much different… Mostly I do know all of this but for some reason I can’t seem to stop going over and over all these little situationS- it’s like I need to set them ALL strait in my head
7th July 2016 at 10:25 am #21149AnonymousInactive
It can be a good thing to go over things and process them so you can tuck them back away and leave them where they need to be. It is not so great if you are obsessing about things. Works in some cases if you put a time limit on them and then distract yourself because it can drive you mad going over and over all the things that have happened to you. I am the opposite end, I can relay without any emotion stuff that happens and I refuse to think about it. Disconnecting words/thoughts from feelings helps a lot. xx
7th July 2016 at 1:22 pm #21162AyannaParticipant
You did the right thing.
Of course you will go over all these horrible episodes for ages. That is the posttraumatic stress.
And yes, authorities fail us.
They are useless, they are incompetent, they are stupid to the core.
Nevertheless, you know what you have been through and you know that you did the right thing.
Keep on posting here and validate your feelings.
You will see more and more how you were brainwashed and your thinking will become clearer over time.
We are all here for you. x*x
11th July 2016 at 10:44 am #21526bunsandcakesParticipant
This is so familiar. This was me last night only mine was because my son wouldnt eat vinegar pickled cucumber (he never does) and my OH said he had to eat it and I said he doesnt like it.. I offered to get him plain cucumber… I was not respecting my OH, I was an idiot, our son would never learn anything in life… like world war 3.
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