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    • #49474
      keepmovingfoward
      Participant

      I’ve just separated from my recently married husband due to (detail removed by Moderator) unrelated to domestic abuse. but (detail removed by Moderator) triggered involvement from social services as i have two children from a previous marriage.
      on announcing my separation my mum sighs relief and starts talking about all the instances she had concerns about my relationship with him. she had previously worked in a refuge and understood abuse better than me. she talked to me suggesting that he’d been controlling me and having thought about it a lot over the past few weeks i think she was right. he had convinced me to do a number of things that are not of my nature. not just day to day but also sexually. he took over my life, my home, i practically waited on him hand and foot, i was his carer due to his disabilities. he is a clever man, he’d shout at me if something wasn’t done to his timescale regardless of my commitments to the children (such as cooking, after school activities). since the start of the investigation he’d twisted my mind, convinced me that everything would be ok even though there was a risk i’d lose custody of my children to my ex. social services saw it for what it was, i have aspergers syndrome, i struggle reading between the lines, i take things at face value but i can see patterns and i was starting to build a pattern of behavior up in my mind and was realising that each time i was reaching a conclusion he didn’t like he was distracting me. getting himself involved deeper in my business, taking me out for lunch, spending time cuddling or having sex. he liked to make me dependent on him. it was hard breaking away. he was living seperate to me due to the conditions (detail removed by Moderator) anyway so i bid him farewell. he’s heartbroken, im numb. i’m still trying to understand how i didnt realise what he was doing to me.

    • #49481
      SunshineRainflower
      Participant

      Hi there,

      I’m very sorry that he took advantage of you, it sounds like he exploited the fact that you are trusting as well as having Aspergers but what is wonderful is that you used your Aspergers to your advantage and noticed the pattern. I can relate because I have a type of OCD and my ex used it to convince me all the problems were in my head and related to this OCD. In the end it worked against him because he started telling me I was imagining things ‘due to my OCD’ apparently and it suddenly clicked into place because what he didn’t know that I knew is that OCD doesn’t make someone delusional, have hallucinations or imagine events that didnt happen. It was at that point that I realised he was dangerous and I ended it.

      Like you I felt incredible pain, disbelief, shock, horror, sadness and a whole range of emotions when I realised what he had been doing to me. I had previously been convinced that I had this ‘lovely boyfriend’ who really liked and cared for me who occasionally said and did extremely painful things to me due to insensitivity and clumsiness. It was so hard (and continues to be hard) to accept that it was all calculated and deliberate and that he enjoyed controlling and hurting me.

      It’s great that you mum understands abuse and that you are now safe and free from him. Have you rung the helpline? If not give them a call, they are great. There will also be a local domestic abuse team you can call, I got an excellent outreach worker through mine.

      You’ll experience a rollercoaster of thoughts and emotions but just keep going with it as it gets easier and the longer you are 100% no contact the sooner you will heal.

      Most of these men ‘hoover’ after the ending of a relationship (ie they try to suck you back in) so be aware of any hoovering attempts like suicide threats, messages saying he is heartbroken, sending you flowers etc. It’s all manipulation and designed to weaken you to drag you back. If it gets too much report him to the police for harassment. Well done and keep going.

    • #49486
      keepmovingfoward
      Participant

      Thankyou for Responding SunshineRainflower, he was already guilt tripping me before i’d made the decision to leave about him having nightmares about me leaving him, i’ve since had messages via our mutual friend saying hes not eating again, hes suidical and he’s heartbroken.
      the circumstances that lead to the decision was to protect me and my children, the investigation although associated with (detail removed by Moderator) was worrying enough and his account of the offense altered over time enough for me to no longer trust him to be around us. i was concerned that his ultimate goal was to groom me so i would not be able to prevent or see anything happening to them right under my nose.
      i realise its all manipulation. Social services have contacted me today as someone associated with him (could be his mental health liason) has said he was confused as to whether he could contact me or the children. (i’ve blocked his number but i do have contact via his friends to arrange collection of his belongings) she was going to send of the previous agreed arrangement until she’d read the notes from her partner declaring the divorce and she called me to discuss. I told her clearly he was not to contact me at all. i fear that he would weaken me and its taken alot of strength to get this far and i really don’t ever want to see him again. the very thought of it sickens me.

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