I cant see how I can do this.

[browneyedgirl]

I am sat in my little shop, which I love, trying not to think, as I am on my own today and dont want to scare my customers away by sitting here sobbing. I was meant to be ringing up to make appointments with relate, have a chat with WA helpline and make a counselling appointment with a local mental health charity. I simply cant do it. I dont want to be that tearful wreck. When I think about it, how can I escape anyhow. I have my own business, have people who work for me, rely on me so how on earth can I find a refuge with no guarantee it will be local. My son has finally had almost a year of no exclusions, his behaviour is so much better and he is starting to flourish at school. Husband has only ever once been violent and thats only because I was blocking his way out when I was trying to get him to stay and talk to me. My parents think I am making a big deal out of things. They know the effort is one sided but want me to carry on fighting. My Mother-in-law sat on the fence about trying to talk to husband about getting counselling. The kids seemed happier this morning but then is that because he wasnt there? I am so confused. Maybe all the problems are my fault. Been doing some reading up on emotional abuse and was thinking maybe I am being too sensitive, then I found this list….

Is he always blaming you for problems in your relationship?
Do your conflicts really ever get resolved?
Is he always controlling the relationship or you?
Are you constantly confused or insecure about where the relationship is going?
Does he run hot and cold, fly into rages out of the blue and blame you for them?
Do you feel trapped or cornered?
Does he put you on a guilt trip for expressing your opinion — or are you afraid to even express your feelings or opinions?
Do you feel like you’re always walking on eggshells for fear you’ll say the wrong thing?
Is everything you do or say being scrutinized or judged by him?
Does he make you feel worn down mentally and physically until you just give in to what he wants?

and then I thought – s**t, I answer yes to every one of those. I just dont want to be here anymore but then when I said that to my Mum yesterday, she said that was selfish and a cowards way out. I wouldnt mind being a coward, sure it wouldnt hurt as much. Sorry for going on, just so lost

[Herindoors]

Hi Browneyedgirl. This will only ever go at your own pace so don’t be afraid to call the people who can help you. They will take it as fast or slow as you tell them to. Can you take some time off work and go somewhere, even for the day or a few hours, where you can make phone calls in private and be available for people to call you back? Must be really hard to do that while working.
You husband sounds like mine. Very little violence but deep emotional abuse, the violence only really started when he knew the relationship was over, so be careful because it might escalate. You need to get out of this marriage but you need help to do so and WA are the best people to help you make a safe plan and get the support you need. If you prioritse any of those phone calls, make it WA.
I didn’t want to be a tearful wreck either…. and I wasn’t. I still haven’t been but I am working on that with my counsellor because I do need to get it out of me some point soon (I am over a year out).
You are much stronger than you realise. Take care x*x

[Ayanna]

Hi browneyedgirl, do not blame yourself. I can only agree to what Herindoors says. It can be overwhelming to just want out fast. Especially with kids and lots of things going on. The easiest way would be for him to move out. Is that in any way possible?
You made a huge step by realizing that you need to get out of the relationship.
Plan your next steps one by one.
I also had to work when I fled and it was very hard.
Get advice first, so that you know exactly what is the best way to get rid of him.
Stay safe. x*x

[White Rose]

Hi there. I agree with the others prioritise WA call.
Don’t assume getting out or getting him out means leaving your job and having to go to a refuge there’s lots of other options.
I’m glad you have your work I bet its a real positive for you.
Don’t worry about blubbing on the phone you won’t be the first or the last – WA understand.
Try to ring and ask for a call back at a time when you can close shop for a half hour or perhaps close a little bit earlier one day – call it a stock take or something and just keep ringing till you get through?
You are doing great – honestly x*x

[Author]

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