I can’t take anymore

[Stormdreamer]

I don’t know what to say but needed to write it somewhere.

We have had a big argument this morning and he has told me I have been mentally bullying him for the last 2 months… I told him he’s been bullying me for the last (detail removed by moderator) and he was denying it. Even though he’s been physical, he told me he regrets that but he’s put that in the past and tried to move on. He says I twist things when I don’t, it’s him that does that.
He’s told me I’ve got it all on lock because my baby breastfeeds and he won’t be able to see her without me being there until I stop… because she cries if she’s not with me. Like I’m controlling, but I’m not… I can’t help that situation.

He tells me all he does is try to talk to me (it’s not talking to me, it’s talking AT me) so I tell him to give me space (because he just follows me around and doesn’t stop talking, sometimes not letting me past him or blocking the doorway because he wants to talk) and he tells me that’s me controlling the conversation.

I told him to leave… he said he will leave when he wants to not when I want him to because he pays for this house (rented, he pays the bills)

He told me I never apologise for things… I do apologise but only when I feel I need to… he wants me to apologise for everything, even something that he upset me with the other night but told me he hadn’t meant it like that and I took it the wrong way (always the way) … I took my dinner to bed with me and he had told me to be careful (as to not make a mess) and I had said to not treat me like a child… and he kept on talking and talking and talking and saying that’s a normal thing to say and making me out to be entirely over reacting and was all off and weird with me and I had told him to leave me alone and because he didn’t, I might have said other things but I can’t rememeber what (he said I said nasty things) and so today he is telling me he didn’t do anything wrong that night and that I haven’t apologised. That I never apologise.

He has said he isn’t this horrible person I say he is because he goes to work and pays the bills and makes sure we’ve all got a roof over our heads. I said that doesn’t mean you’re nice.

An example I always think of here is… someone who takes people hostage and tortures them, is a nasty person… but just because he gives them food to keep them alive doesn’t make him a nice person, does it?

I just feel so confused and at a brick wall… he makes me feel something that I don’t know how to describe. I feel so lost and frazzled. 🙁

[maddog]

My husband does exactly the same. The mirroring, the blaming, the twisting, the talking at. My husband has also told me he isn’t a monster (check!). The lectures about ‘normal’, check, the over-reacting, check, the self-justification, the self-defence, the contempt… on and on and on…Then apparent normality till the next time. All the time the same. My husband also justified his behaviour by saying he’s the one who goes out to work and pays the bills (ahem). His work has been sporadic since I have known him and making money is not his forte.

Please make contact with WA. It’s a lot to take on board but you have arrived here so you recognise that all is not well. I started the Freedom Programme with WA and it was just brilliant to shed some light in dark places. Things at home got better again so I thought I was back on firmer territory. How wrong I was.

It’s really important to keep a diary of whatever he says and does. I think you can email yourself, or a friend, or keep a notebook.

This is not your fault. You cannot control his behaviour. It may be time to start making plans. Even by acknowledging a problem you have made a start. I wish I had understood the extent of my husband’s bullying and lack of understanding of consent a long time ago.

[cloudyday]

Hi Stormdreamer,

My partner is exactly the same. He tells me everything is all my fault, picks arguments and blames me and twists everything I say. When he shouts and loses it and destroys my property he says that I have made him do it. Talks at me and over me and never ever takes into account my opinions or feelings. He isolates me from everyone so that my only reality is the one with him – not good. He constantly feels sorry for himself and makes himself the victim. Everyone else is horrible and he is a really nice guy. This is totally not your fault. Remember you are not alone in this. In my experience it doesnt get better it just gets worse. My partner will go on and on about something that has annoyed him for literally hours and hours. Talking at me. It gets too much and I have to switch off from it. He doesnt live with me so sometimes i just turn my phone off and pull out the land line as at times I just cant take it. These people make us feel confused and trapped in a never ending circle. Its called the cycle of abuse. Look it up and it will make you understand the pattern of behaviour – the nice stage where you think Oh this person isnt so bad, the tension building when you know that something is going to set him off and he is looking for any excuse and you are literally on eggshells, and then the explosion. With these people you can never avoid it. Just remember the problem is with him and not you. Keep posting Honey. We are all here to offer support for you. Remember you are not alone.

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