- This topic has 6 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 4 years, 10 months ago by
.
-
Posts
-
-
I spoke to my son and said I will not put up with the way you behave anymore… I will not put up with you bullying me… he turned around and said I am bullying him.. he won’t do anything I ask.. I have tried to talk to him.. he asks like a fool… he talks over me… he goes on and on.. having a go at me in the car… I ask him to stop or get out he won’t… he follows me from room to room shouting at me….I ask him to be considerate of his younger sibling but he bangs about late at night… if I go to bed to avoid him… he bangs around with no consideration… I try to speak to put boundaries in place but he just egnores me.. he has two other siblings and they will fight and argue constantly… I really don’t kno what to do… I am beginning to think this is worse than before I left… they have stepped up… and they are just taking the absaloute mickey out of me.
-
Hi Ssss,
Good to see you posting on this forum. I’m so sorry to read about how you are on the receiving end of so much abuse from your son. It’s classic that they accuse you of the very behaviour that they themselves are doing, like bullying. It’s really good to read you try and put boundaries in place. How old is the son that’s causing all this disturbance in your home? Would it perhaps be time for him to live elsewhere? You do not deserve to be bullied and belittled or ignored, your a loving, caring mother trying to teach your son that boundaries exist for the benefit of everyone and not just him. What’s troubling to read is that his behaviour seems to be rubbing off on the younger children? Maybe it’s time to come up with very hard consequences for not adherering to boundaries and not doing as asked. Maybe other ladies on here have experience with this type of abuse but as with all abuse, you do not deserve it. You deserve to live in a peaceful home – as do your other two children.
Keep posting on here to let us know how you get on. I don’t know if WA can help, but I’d be surprised if they didn’t have any suggestions as they’ve always been so helpful to me, so I would try and give them a call, explain what’s going on and if there is anything they can suggest. Hang in there.
-
Dear Ssss
Its al learnt behaviour, he has learnt his fathers tactics. I would join him in a food prep for a dinner of his choosing and share preparing it, and then talk about what particular ways he enjoys being treated and respected and in what ways he likes to be shown love, etc. Agree, thatyou feel the same. I meanif he says he likes being respected, you can agree that you do too, in fact everyone you know does! Ask what he doesnt like too, and agree wit that. Like how does he feel abut being shouted at, or called names, if hs in a reasonable frame of mind he’ll say he doesmt like it/hates it, and you can agree, you feel the same.
Then when you sit down to eat ask him to write a list of all the rules he wants around being treated and you can do the same,then compare lists.
Use your own fitting examples, could be what he dislikesabout the way friends at school treat him sometimes, or teachers,keeping it away from home, making it other people. Then setting his own rules for around the house expectations of treatment.
In the moment all you can do is get out of it, i hav removed phonetime, etc,but i think the talki g about feelings and expectations of how to be treated will help more.
Then introduce some discussion about ways of expressing anger. That maybe he could write his feelings down or go kick a ball about?
Its a hard time, and can be very triggering for you, but es trying to work through hisfathers mssed up messages and rules that he’s grown up under.
Keep posting amd letting us know how you are. It can feel just like being bullied by the abuser all over again.
Warmest wishes
TS -
hello ssss,
Yes, good to see you posting on here.
This sounds really tough. Just a few thoughts.
First, if you are anything like me, parenting young people means I need breaks to save my sanity.
Just check in with that and yourself, what are you currently doing to make sure you get them? Something you enjoy, walk with the dog? cinema? plan the breaks in and have a strategy in place in case an argument comes up.Can you walk away for a while? round the block? make an excuse to go and get fish and chips…?
that is a temporary strategy that is true, but it gives you a bit of time to think, step back and maybe even stop things escalating?
The rest – TS says – food prep talk –
house rules…I feel is one way forward…What I would say is though – be prepared it may not work and have a fall back plan.
Sometimes young (and older) people kind of rebel against the notion of rules (or a house meeting) even if it is presented with tact and understanding). It didn’t work for us, in fact the opposite.
In the back of my mind I am wondering if something has happened that you don’t know about, something in this young person’s life? Something in the peer group? No excuse for this behaviour even so, but possibly an explanation..
The times when I’ve had to deal with diffiuclt behaviour – which just cropped up and then I found out later much later that there had been an underlying event which had nothing to do with me.
Now I try to factor that in. It is surprising how often I find out about it later, when they calm donw and are able to tell you what it was.This may help, it may not, I’m not at all offended if it doesn’t speak to you. Good luck with it anyway
ftc
x -
apparently kids go through the same stages of grief as us and one of them is the anger stage. with time and from what ive read solving problems colaboratively this seems to be the way forward. ive always made unilateral decisions so impose consequences like no pocket money or groundings for even up to a week on occasion. this was how i was brought up and it worked for me. when kids have seen abuse it makes there emotions even more intensified. it takes time there are some good books out there – im half way through the explosive child by Ross Greene. apparently through time and perseverance this situation does resolve xx its not easy being a parent for sure 🙂 love diymum xx
-
There is also a lundy book called ‘when dad hurts mum’ or ‘mom’ as its american.
Yeah about the ‘rules’, these aren’t actual rulesrules imposed by others, the important thing is they are his own personal rules for how he wants to be treated.
It gives him perspective to take a step back and time to think a few things though.
There are also courses available to children suffering abuse. Your local WA should be able to advise, and might run some themselves.
Warmest wishes
TS
-
Thankyou all for your advice.. I have taken it all on board…my son is getting worse.. I thought leaving would be an end to it but I always had hope that one day I would be able to leave and all would be better… this is never going to end…my son is shouting and swearing everyday now at least once..a day.. he’s started throwing things swearing badly in front of younger sibling…if I ask him to leave the room he says no.. I fact everything is no.. he called me a fat c..t today… I cannot do anything with him.. if he says no that’s it… I dread him coming in room wondering what mood he will be in… he was so horrible I wanted to just drop him with ex… as no we’re else to take him…. I kno that is not the think to do.. he is the reason he’s like this in first place…. but sometimes I think I’ve tried so hard and I Carnt do anymore.. it’s disrupting everything…everyone is getting affected by the behaviour..he scares me because he is charming and helpful and polite one minute and then can change with click of a finger…and it’s only really directed towards me
-
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.
