This topic contains 7 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  fizzylem 1 week, 6 days ago.

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  • #71947
     Sparklegone 
    Participant

    I don’t really know where to start with my story because it’s a novel but I will try to keep to the significant points.
    On the (detail removed by moderator) I flitted from my (detail removed by moderator) year relationship because I knew I had to save myself. I now face rebuilding my life from scratch which is extremely difficult because I am severely depressed, have daily panic attacks, can’t sleep, eat or stop crying.
    I know I have made the right decision but I am mentally tortured in trying to make sense of everything that happened and the malignant treatment since the breakup. I know I need to let go and focus on my recovery.
    I believe my ex partner is a n********t and psychopath. I lived our relationship that revolved around him and only him. I am not able to think about myself even though I am free. He has convinced me that I am the problem in our relationship and I need to change myself. He has inflicted gas lighting on me so much that I doubt myself constantly and even still consider that I may be a liar about the things he has done to me. Typical treatment I received included: doing everything for him with nothing in return, being criticised daily, sworn at, name called, filming anxiety attacks, on the receiving end of severe mood swings and long periods of silent treatment. I have lost myself as a person. Every area of my life is no longer as it was. My mental and physical well-being is tatters. He accepts no responsibility for any of it, blames me and does not know that I seen right through it all a long time ago. I have realised that everything he says to me is a projection of himself.
    I choose me now. I begin my journey of loving myself more than him and recuperating from one of the most painful experiences of my life. I have hope I can get my confidence back and lead a healthy happy life.

  • #71972
     Lisa 
    Main Moderator

    Hi Sparklegone

    Welcome to the forum. Thank you for your brave post about what you have been through.

    You have taken the biggest step by managing to get away from your abusive ex, and although i can hear how much you are struggling, (which is completely normal after what you have experienced), i can also hear great strength.

    You are right that this is your time now, time to remember who you are and start to do things for yourself without having to worry or consider him. This will probably feel very hard to do initially, but time will help, we are here on this forum to support you through your journey.

    You may also want to get additional support from a local domestic abuse service or the Freedom programme in your area, you don’t have to go through this alone.

    Take care and keep posting

    Lisa

    • #71992
       Sparklegone 
      Participant

      Hi Lisa,
      Thank you for your reply, support and also for your suggestions as to other sources that may be useful for me. I will follow up on these in the coming days. It’s really comforting to be heard and also to be understood.
      SG x

  • #71980
     fizzylem 
    Participant

    Hello SG, sounds like he really tried to do a job on you and almost succeeded – almost! You’re def still in there though aren’t, can hear your determined, wise voice, despite feeling shattered and broken.

    First things first, one step at a time, you have so much swirling round hey. So, you need to work out what helps.

    Sometimes talking to us and reading some of the posts can help bring clarity – it helps to relate and spot the similar patterns – and to feel you are not alone.

    Learning to relax definately helps and is much needed, I do this through yoga and meditation, walking my dog, sleeping – I do quite a bit of that if I’m honest lol. Its such a stressful experience, I found it took me quite a long time to de-stress from it.

    Yes there is stuff to process for sure, but I’m thinking that learning how to relax is probably the best thing you could give yourself right now, that and reaching out to others.

    Nurture you, look after you, eat well, breath in fresh air, be with friends and loved one’s when you feel able; and keep posting. FL.x

    • #71993
       Sparklegone 
      Participant

      Hi FL
      Thank you for taking the time to reply to my post. It’s really kind of you. I actually had the courage to leave before and within months I fell back into it because the pain I was going through was too much for me that it actually felt easier to be trapped in the hell he offered me as a life. I think the first time round I was in denial and didn’t have the right support. I didn’t deal with it I just masked it with things that weren’t actually going to make a difference to my happiness in the longevity of it.
      Thank you for your suggestion of learning to relax from your own experience. I am not good at relaxing because I have been on edge for so long. Always something to do for him. I couldn’t be who I was because I would be criticised. On top of that I didn’t trust him because of his past and something he confided in that he had done. It was on my mind every single day of our relationship. My gut saying I could not trust him, fear and worry and wondering if something if he was also deceiving me. There were too many question marks about too many things.
      I intend to join a gym tomorrow so I will look for those particular classes which I have went to before but couldn’t keep up with because of my home life. I had no motivation to do new things or the things I loved.
      I don’t know what sleep is anymore but I’d love to be able to.
      Is there anything else that has worked well for you?
      Thank you for your kind, caring and supportive words. It means so much to me at this difficult time.
      I also wanted to say well done for moving forward. You are brave, strong and keep sharing with us.
      SG x

  • #72075
     fizzylem 
    Participant

    SG, read the post codependancy below – think it will help. Yes it’s really really hard to find motivation to do anything for you, I totes get this flower. On the days it feels impossible, do just one simple thing for yourself, like just focus on drinking more water, starts off small, but this will grow.
    I have to go now as I need to check out on my hotel soon – I am moving forards! I’m researching a new place to live! Yes I intend to fully ‘live again’ – get the life I want, you too will get this one day. I will reply more later when Ive got a bit more time xx

  • #72099
     Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    Hi sparklegone, it’s very hard doing things for yourself after having lived with an abuser. I attended a slimming class even after getting to target, I can’t even eat healthy now, I don’t see the point. I loved doing Pilates, went faithfully for years, I don’t now. I had friends, a group I attended once a month, he was even insecure about that. I no longer go. But to recover, we have to make ourselves take interest in us again, in what we like without fear of being shouted at or ignored for doing so. One wise lady, @kip, suggested trying to do 3 things a day. Sometimes doing 1 thing is enough. Sleep is good, you feel as if you’ll never feel rested ever again, I’m constantly tired, exhausted even, but that’s because I’m still with him. Waiting on the proverbial to hit the fan. If you can read up on everything to do with abuse, why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft is a go to for many of us. I read Power and Control (detail removed by Moderator) Pat Craven has written a few good ones too.
    Looking after ourselves is not being selfish or looking after ones own self, it’s necessary in order for us to heal.
    Best wishes
    IWMB #21stcenturysuffragettes 💜💚

  • #72106
     fizzylem 
    Participant

    SG, you sound so very insightful in your reply – you’re going to get through this, I can hear it, even when you lose a bit of faith in yourself now and again – this is part of it and to be expected.

    Please dont beat yourself up for going back, it was a complex thing the glue in your relationship, your head got full and spun, and I bet you felt you didnt know what to do most of the time? Usually its very wise to do nothing in almost every other situation in life, when we dont know what to do, we gather info until the answer presents itself then act – staying in an abusive relationship is def the exception here though hey! Which sadly you and all of us on here have now learnt the hard way.

    You couldnt bare the emotional pain of the break up, you’re neither the first or the last, took me several goes. I asked you to look into codependancy as it sounds to me like you want to process some stuff, make sense, learn, despite feeling exhausted and lacking in motivation for anything.

    Once you start to read and learn more you will see that you never really stood a chance, nor did the relationship. You still sound like you are shouldering some of the responsibilty – time to let that go my friend!

    Really interesting you say you couldnt trust him after you learnt something about him and it was as if your gut was telling you, it wasnt as if, it was! Thinking you maybe just didnt know what to do to respond to this? One part of the healing process is to learn to listen to your gut and respond to it – once you know you will always do this you also come to know no one will hoodwink you ever again – it becomes part of your armour.

    You sound so v stressed from it all, your stress response has been yelling at you for along time, but you have felt powerless to do anything – so now its kind of knackered. It needs a reset. Leaves you unable to sleep, relax, process what is a real threat and what isn’t. It will take you a bit of time to reset it and you’ll have days where you likely feel you’re getting nowhere, actually probs more than a few of those if I’m honest, but even when it feels like this, know this, these days are also very much needed and do help you to heal.

    Do what you feel able and no more, forget about the rest – it can wait. Go to some classes, if you can then great, but if you miss one then so be it, sitting at home on the sofa with a film can be just as needed. Try to work out what is it I need today or in this moment and give it to yourself xx

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