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I married my husband in (detail removed by moderator) after being together since we was (detail removed by moderator). We shortly after moved in together and things began to turn. Mostly his outburst where verbal drunken abuse, calling me in the early hours hurling horrible names at me. He’d come home and either fall asleep or the arguing would carry on, around (detail removed by moderator), he was particularly drunk I picked him up in my car and he decided to urinate right next to my car, with this I drove off, annoyed! Of course this didn’t end well, abused and threats to smash my head in with a brick, smash my car with a brick, where endlessly thrown at me until he passed out in bed. This was when it all began really. He got himself into some trouble with the law (detail removed by moderator), whilst drunk (not related to me) and we talked and agreed his issue was drink. Things settled, however over (detail removed by moderator), things have gotten awful, without the drink being involved anymore! I’m crying as I type this, being I question if this is abuse, yet when I read back my own paragraphs in third person, this is EVIDENTLY abuse and I cannot believe I am sat here writing this. This shouldn’t be happening to me! I recall the first time he hit me was (detail removed by moderator), I was tired and had just woken up, he would persistently ask me to cuddle him, myself groggy and sleepy just wanted to wake up first, and he ended up shoving himself on me. I asked him to get off, and he doesn’t, I ask again, he refused and shouts (detail removed by moderator) I forcefully move and get him off, he then turns himself over and whilst doing so punches me in the stomach. Hard, but not hard enough to bruise my skin, but hard enough to shock me and I froze. On and off, things like this have happened and not once has he apologised, he often tries to say my behavior warrants his anger and actions. He’s never once said sorry, I shouldn’t have hit you, its always (detail removed by moderator). Life goes on until the next time for us I guess however, it got bad (detail removed by moderator). He headed to bed early, and whilst I sat on the sofa he stood over me to kiss me goodnight. I cuddled him kissed him on the cheek and said goodnight, he on the other hand grabbed my head and said in so many words (detail removed by moderator) It wasn’t funny, it took me by surprise and I really, really didn’t like it. He didn’t get off, I warned him stop (detail removed by moderator). As my hands where physically stuck behind his head. I gave him a warning and showed him (detail removed by moderator) He got off, and went to hit me this time I cowered in fear. He grabbed (detail removed by moderator) which was next to me, and threw it at my chest, which has now bruised. I cried immediately. He threw himself upstairs, where he screamed (detail removed by moderator) I didn’t respond and he bolted back down (detail removed by moderator) I just looked at him in tears. He went to bed and I stayed downstairs, I then went up to bed myself (detail removed by moderator), I was so so angry, not scared angry, how DARE he!? I made myself a (detail removed by moderator) in our bedroom whilst he slept, quickly (detail removed by moderator) which woke him up. He sat up, asking me (detail removed by moderator). I said (detail removed by moderator) we argued to and from over me coming to bed. He then threw (detail removed by moderator) at me, and missed me, then he grabbed a (detail removed by moderator) which hit me and went all over me. I again just cried! Trying to clean up this horrible smelly mess, I was making more noise and he’d proceed to lie back down. As I was take clothes (detail removed by moderator), I heard him get up I purposefully didn’t look at him – he threw his (detail removed by moderator), and finally grabbed the (detail removed by moderator) up again and threw it all over me again. I stayed silent and still this time. He left the room and went to the spare room. I cleaned up and went to bed. The following morning he stormed into the bedroom where I was sleeping, opened all the curtains, turned his music on, pulled of my eye mask and grabbed my shoulders and shook me saying, (detail removed by moderator) I pulled my eye mask back and pulled the covers over me, he pulled them down, I pulled them back up. He finally left the room whilst I laid soooo still and verging a panic attack, saying (detail removed by moderator) Needless to say I’ve sent the morning feeling awful, I have visions of him really hurting me, killing me even. I’m at a complete loss for what to do, I cannot go back to my parents due to our pets, what do I even do with our pets if I try to leave (his work means his regularly away from home) – who do I call during this time, how do I leave and where do I go. I feel stuck and I feel my life at (detail removed by moderator) years old, is over at his hands. I feel so sad for myself.
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Just to add, he’s sexually abusive to me. I’ll be going about my business and he will smack my bum, I’ve said to him numerous times to not, but disregards what I ask, he’ll grab my boobs, we’ll be cuddling or chilling together and he’ll physically grab me in my private area and get annoyed at me for resisting. He has a high drive than me, and gets so incredibly angry when I do not want to get intimate. I find it so hard to want to be intimate with him as I’ve started to hate him, I’m miserable and not myself and the last thing I wish to be is sexy for a man who believes its okay to lay a hand on me, treat me like rubbish, lives like a s***k and does nothing to help me around the house, or with our pets.
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I’d seriously be getting the police involved today and get your locks changed. I don’t know all the circumstances of who owns the house or whether it’s rented but this sounds like it’s going to escalate fast and rather than months or years of it maybe you need to take decisive action now? Get the logistics in place to get safe, worry about the emotions of it all thereafter.
Do you have anyone you trust? Can you tell his family – would they be supportive? This is absolutely not ok – take pictures of any bruising – act fast while you have the evidence and a clear memory of the event.
Don’t let this be one your new norm.I feel so sorry for you, it must be both heartbreaking and terrifying. Deal with getting safe then deal with the heartbreak from safe distance.
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Hi CalmlyDoesIt
I just wanted to show you some support, I can see that Cecile and Headspinning have already given you some really good advice there. The police are here to keep you safe so please consider this an option especially as you are worried he may kill you.
Your husband is emotionally, physically and sexually abusive to you and you do not deserve to be treated this way. Your husband sounds very dangerous,and your safety is so important so please get some support in place. You can find your local service here: https://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/ You could also use the Women’s Aid webchat to speak to a worker in confidence if you prefer to write things down. Or the phone number for the National Domestic Violence Helpline is 0808 2000 247.
It is not ok for your partner to touch you without consent or to pressure you into having sex. You could also speak to Rape Crisis who can give you details on your local sexual violence support centre for support.
I don’t want to overwhelm you with too much information, please keep posting an let us know how you are doing. We are all here to support you.
Take care
Lisa
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I’m sorry you’re going through this Calmly, and I absolutely empathize as my marriage was exactly the same apart from the sexual abuse. But the tormenting aggressive behavior and assaults you described was just what I experienced. It’s terrifying.
The ladies above are right, please please get out safely and as soon as possible. He is dangerous and this could escalate further very quickly. It did with me and I’m lucky I got out when I did.
Can you call womens aid for help with an exit plan? Could you say you’re going for a walk and do it then – or even call the police and see if he can be removed? As much evidence as you can gather safely, photos of bruising etc and store them where he won’t find them.
Do you think he would hurt your pets? Is there anyway to get them out before you leave to your parents house or something? Is he still working during this lockdown? If so spy your chance and leave – everything can be sorted later – you’re the priority x
Good luck, keep posting here and let us know how you’re getting on xx
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