Viewing 10 reply threads
  • Author
    • #117960

      Hi All,

      Well, I didn’t wait till after Xmas as I thought I would. He is in denial about abusing me, denies/makes excuses/avoids my very direct questions about his abuse. He doesn’t believe he is abusive. How can I possibly go back now when I’ve asked him directly and he doesn’t think he is? And he honestly thinks he will improve?
      My God I feel relieved. Of course he is indignant that I broke up with him by text, but I honestly told him it was because I was too scared to do it in person.

      I’ll be the bad one here, he was never going to break up with me. My counsellor said this, that he was waiting for me to do it so he could be the victim. I’m quite sad for him really.

      I’m sure other stages of this break up (grief, anger etc) will come along but all I feel at the moment is relief.

    • #117962

      Amazing news! Well done for taking the leap of faith. You might surprise yourself you know, I’ve hardly experienced any of those grief feelings. Mostly I’ve felt relief and content even though my world has been turned upside down. I had all those feelings for years in the relationship. Onwards and upwards x

    • #117963

      Thanks Hetty. I did it while at work and I’m here smiling at everyone! Some might say cold and calculating, but the fact that I put up with his s**t for over half a decade says I am not.

    • #118052

      Congratulations! You have done the best thing for your healing.
      Most abusive people can’t see their own abusive behavior because if they did, then they would have to come face to face with themselves. And that’s just too painful.
      It’s usually the survivor that leaves the relationship. Afterall, the abuser isn’t enduring a relationship in which they are abused. In fact, they are getting the benefits of being controlling and abusive.
      For me, leaving was the easy part. Staying away for good has been more difficult. I have managed but only by continuing to self educate, get support and remembering the relationship for what it was (and not for what I wished it could have been).

      • #118056

        I agree with the need for self educating to stay away. Every time I’ve had a little pang of longing for him I’ve turned my mind to self education – reading, watching YouTube videos. There’s an excellent video on YouTube. I think it’s called mask’d. It basically a short film of a couple out for a meal and the emotional abuse the partner inflicts. It’s my ex husband to a T! I’ve been talked out loud to myself to remember all he has subjected me to. He tried the guilt trips on me, begging forgiveness and promising changes but I’ve got messages from a year ago, all saying the same. Nothing ever changes with these men no matter how much we want them tomorrow X

    • #118074

      Well done Madmam!!! Christmas has come early 🥳

      How are you feeling?

      Have you been able to up your house security yet?

      There might be weak spots in the near or long-term future as others have said, where your mind starts to do a double-take and says stuff like ‘he wasn’t that bad’ or ‘I feel a bit down today, i’ll just send a text to see how he is’ or ‘I miss that little cute thing he used to do’ or any number of things which may make you want to contact him. Sit on your hands for 20 seconds or watch/read something about abusers or fling yourself into another activity or whatever it is that you feel will help distract you from making contact.

      Hope to hear your progress but if not, have the most wonderful Christmas! Here’s to you and your new life x

    • #118165

      Thanks everyone!

      His mother was round telling me how heartbroken he was and what about the guys times etc…. She’s brainwashed by it all also. I told her as much. She has had a lifetime of the same treatment from his father. Why would I expect my ex to come away from that childhood unscathed? All I can do now is protect my children from it and break the cycle.

      I will have to get the locks changed as he refuses to give back my stuff in his place, including his key to my house.

    • #118177

      Flying monkeys. My ex used our son while he was out enjoying himself with another woman. They are liars. If she thinks he’s so great she can live with him, yes change the locks and make sure he knows you will ring the police if he turns up.

    • #118181

      Fantastic Madmam, well done you. What a fantastic feeling for you. Consider recording your feelings, your hopes for the future, your positivity somewhere. Thus is the start of the rest of your life. It might be really lovely to look back at and relive that wonderful feeling. xx

    • #118198

      Thanks all of you.

      I haven’t shed a tear since I did this.

      Yes, his mother was trying to normalize his behavior, called it ‘mistakes’ etc. Jaysus like!
      I told her that her son was becoming his father and no surprise either. She said (of her husband) ‘oh I might complain about him but I still LOVE him’. I told her love wasn’t enough, respect is as important, if not more so.
      The stories I heard my ex tell me about his father, I used to think his mum was a saint, now I know she’s been brainwashed. She idolizes her son but is also afraid of him and lets him tell her what to do.
      The very thing my ex complains about, he is guilty of himself, and yet he can’t see.

      Used to frustrate me, still does, but now I know I can help him no more.

    • #118201

      I’m glad you can see how you can’t help him. I wanted so much to help my ex and love him
      enough so he could recover from his truly awful childhood. I just became his emotional punchbag. I was destined for a life where I had to pay for the mistakes his own mother made. My ex went to therapy, tried meds. Nothing changed. Probably because he chose to abuse me, couldn’t give up on his need for power and control. His misogynistic views were deeply ingrained. I chose myself.
      Can’t you just see the toxicity and trauma running through that family?! Thank goodness you’re free. I’m loving the peace I have. Sure, my life isn’t perfect but being free of his drama is fantastic ❤️

    • #118202

      Accepting there’s nothing you can do and that he’s not your responsibility is a tremendous step forward for you. We spend so much time in the FOG of abuse, the Fear Obligation and Guilt. Well no more. Well done also for recognising she’s brainwashed. Time to stop the cycle. Show her and everyone else that you do not have to allow abusers in your life. I saw my mother in law die a horrible lonely death when she had dedicated her life to her abuser. That gave me the push I needed to get out. To get a second chance which often never comes for victims x

Viewing 10 reply threads
  • You must be logged in to reply to this topic.

© 2015 Women's Aid Federation of England – Women’s Aid is a company limited by guarantee registered in England No: 3171880.

Women’s Aid is a registered charity in England No. 1054154

Terms & conditionsPrivacy & cookie policySite mapProtect yourself onlineMedia │ Jobs


Log in with your credentials


Forgot your details?

Create Account