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Well I am out. In another place far away after a considerable and perilous journey. For anyone out there who needs to know how to do this, I brought letters from professionals familiar with my abuse at home. the police were satisfied I had good reason (they checked).
Also for anyone out there who is thinking ‘oh may be it snot that bad’. As I was leaving he came to the street to tell one of my animals he would miss it. (Not me, obviously, animals rank higher than me in his eyes). I did feel guilty and was considering cancelling some further actions I had planned to restrain him against further harassment of me. Then he suddenly turned on me, this was in the early hours. Ranting, using ridiculous things to verbally abuse me. I had to drive away as he told me he would ensure my belongings left behind were robbed.
never give these men any quarter, any feelings, any empathy. always put yourself first. Never be fooled by them.
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Really happy for you that you are out and safe. It must be an amazing feeling to be free of him. Good luck for the future x
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It just says it all really. to not even have the humanity to let me leave in peace. Cruel sick b*****d. I was so panicked of course I forgot really essential things like animal toys and balls and their worming tablets, etc, and their fresh food for today. Poor little things.
How do I feel? A bit hysterical and hyper, mentally. Hasn’t really sunk in. It will take a few weeks. The place I am in is so safe, people don’t even lock their doors when they go out.They think its funny when visitors lock their cars when they are parked outside the house. He doesn’t know where I am, address wise.
Can’t believe that I did it.
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Well done, that’s great news!
I’m sure you can get new animal toys!
Be prepared for a roller coaster of emotions and it may be months as opposed to weeks that you go through them. I had the elation and felt hyper – probably fight or flight hormones, and they got me through the early days.
Then I had anger – as I remembered various things that had been said and done. When the anger passed, Sadness would then kick in, as I thought about what could have been had he been the person I thought he was. Happiness at being my own boss and being able to make my own decisions. Anxiety as I didn’t always know what the right decision was(!). Occasionally doubt about whether I had done the right thing/were there any unexplored alternatives. Other people will have their own opinions but they weren’t the ones living in the situation so take care in who you trust and confide in.
My advice would be to enjoy the elation, take joy in simple things, accept you will have different emotional stages and some will hurt. Write down a list of incidents that caused you to leave/ memories of him at his worst, and read it when you have those down days. It will help you get through them and remember why you left – it’s scary how your mind blocks some of the bad stuff out and you can find yourself suddenly asking – was it really that bad or did I exaggerate).
Keep posting on here as you already know it’s a great support. Don’t let guilt get in your way (it’s amazingly easy to start feeling guilty at leaving – we have been conditioned to do so!)
Be prepared for the cycle of emotions to go around and to sometimes feel you are going backwards instead of forwards. But trust you will get to a long term happy place (I’m still a bit too raw to be there yet and have struggled a bit last couple of days – but belief in a better future helps us keep moving forward!)
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Yes I am very worried at the way I automatically forget the abuse as soon as it was committed. Even now when I look at stuff I wrote down a few months ago I realise I had completely wiped it from my head. My therapist said this is how the brain is protecting me, that and feeling numb emotionally.
I haven’t been sleeping well for years. Yesterday I got in a room I had booked to self isolate, on my journey here. I fell on the bed and slept solid for three hours, so telling.I woke up feeling refreshed and good.
The guilt is always there.
Funny you should say that about decisions. I do find myself waiting for some one else to decide things. When it occurs to me I have freedom of choice I feel surprised almost and unsure what to do. Thats why I write down and plan everything, to help with it. I am so glad you mentioned it. Thanks for the advice, it really helps and I will love more! -
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Well women were just thrown to the wolves. China warned the uk govt early on that dv would increase as well as murders of women and the policy to cope with the virus did not even nod in our direction. Then they rolled out a policy that just consisted in telling women to phone the already buckling under charities and help lines that struggled to cope due to underfunding and lack of resources. No agency of power such as the police was proactively engaged with to lead on this.and as for vulnerable children….
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I am SOO very happy for you and proud of you!! WOW!! Look at what you did!!! Look at it, smell it, be with it, wallow in it like a little pink piggy in mud!! You did it!!!
Guilty? For what exactly? That’s a transferred thingie from him to you. Slap it off like you would a vampire mosquito. No guilt whatsoever for what you needed to do in order to protect.
Eh, they do that so well. It’s like you’re the voodoo doll they stick when THEY should feel guilt and shame about what THEY did but oh noooo, when they kinda see that one coming at them, they immediately stick YOU so you can feel it all, not them. And we do. Until we decide not to.
I’m a good tennis player now. Ball comes in my court and right smack back at you! Not my monkeys, not my circus!
Make your bedroom a wonderful beautiful place of peace and sanctuary. Do your walls, your windows, play beautiful relaxing music in there, aromatherapy going on maybe, live plants, just make it your secret garden and have fun with it. Time to pamper yourself!!!
And when you exercise your will about decisions, it gets stronger in you. Like a muscle being worked. And when you listen to your radar and your instinct the first time it rings or whispers to you – it gets LOUDER! This one thing, btw, is you absolute best defense you have. It’s very wise and sometimes it’s a whisper. Don’t second guess it, listen to it. Act. It has saved my life countless times.
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Wow that is so profound, thank you. Funny but I acted on intuition twice- once when I decided to come to this house before Christmas, which was totally out ion character to act on impulse. I had 5 weeks of tranquillity and discovered how vital that is. the second impulse was in early march and I booked my house again for a long period, so I was compelled to move yesterday, as his behaviour escalated. Intuition I think, the will to survive, has saved me.Sitting here tonight I have my bedroom lovely, the house is in a beautiful place and I still literally cannot believe not only that I am here but that I am away from the constant anxiety. He creates atmospheres like listening to a high pitched hum in your head all the time, sitting tense on the edge of your seat all there time, chaos swirling all around in the atmosphere.It hurst physically as muscles in the neck and shoulder are permanently tense. It felt like he was sitting on my shoulders and pressing down. Planning to gather wild flowers from the garden tomorrow and put some in each room.
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Stick the bare feet of your soul in this happy place and wiggle your toes around! We don’t need no stinking hum in our bodies, right? Ah yes, the noise of chaos and oppression is so horrid. Very glad you are away from it! Keep listening to your intuition. It is very wise. Eat good, build your body back up. Pick some for me, I like blue ones!
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Still can’t believe I am here. Woke up this morning, tensed as I listened out for him. Then it slowly came back where I was and I jumped out of bed!! I had been staying in bed until lunchtime to shorten my days with him but today I was up at 7.30, unable to believe that I have done it. My pet sat barking at the sunset last night which was red and glorious. I was able to laugh out loud without being tutted at or suppressed. I am warm, the house is warm.
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Hi LB, it was all planned. Its a long term thing I wont be going back other than to get the rest of my things. Cant go into too much details but the planning was quite detailed. This is it, never take any more from him.The covoid 19 almost scuppered things but I had built a good support network of professionals some of whom gave me documents to take with me as supporting evidence for the police. I took the most essential belongings, had developed quite a list. Get your ducks in a row, reach out, spread your needs across the professionals, and create a net. Then plan and go. I was at a point where I knew I couldn’t go on. I felt like he was sitting on my shoulders, weighing me down to the ground, it was awful, beyond awful. The fleeing bit was hard but I expected it to be, especially during the pandemic lockdown. Worth every anxious minute!
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That’s it in a nutshell Cecile, plan plan plan. My support worker said the way I did it was Like a military operation, I prepared for every eventuality, mostly anyway. What I didn’t prepare for was him acting the way he has. Never saw that coming, the weight loss, tbe tears, accepting he’s to blame, BUT then that mask slips too and who he really is surfaces yet again.
IWMB 💞💞 -
Yes it’s building steps to crawl out of the tar pit of abuse. I slept the sleep of angels last for 9 hours straight.
So happy.
Interesting what you say about reactions, the only way to beat them and get control is to hit them with every legal resource at your disposal. Legally, you can remove yourself to be safe. Legally, you can move your children, you have a duty to do this. Legally there are laws against violence and coercive control against women. Write down all your evidence. You can get orders to stop him being aggressive. You can make statements to the police. Build a fort of protection with the law around yourself, plan and go.with all the help you can muster.
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I can see your well deserved happy glowing face from here!! No one deserves to live in a prison and the only way out is to firmly say – I’m busting out! Not allowing it anymore. Not sure how I’m going to do it but I am absolutely going to do it!! Funny how that works. It seems like such a tiny little thing in us but it’s got tremendous power! In my abuse growing up, if you laid good money on who would win in all that, it would have been my abusers. I had no one on my side, no help, no support, everyone just looked the other way and/or continued the abuse. But the moment that I decided this wasn’t happening anymore, heaven and earth moved and I mean that sincerely.
Enjoy every minute of it!! You are a beacon of light to all that come here because they can see it can be done!
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Well done Cecile! I’m so proud of you, so very pleased for you. I find especially backing up your support in writing very smart. It makes me smile no end 😄
Your new place sounds lovely, peaceful, everything you need to recuperate and start enjoying your new life.
Do look up the five stages of grief, trauma bonding so you know what might come, when all the logistics are done, the adrenaline and excitement calm down and it’s a challenge to recalibrate your entire system.
I would proactively contact your new GP, tell her your story so if you need her support down the line, she’s informed enough to help you in the best possible way.
High anxiety, nightmares and insomnia might hit you like a train, very unexpectedly, should that happens don’t wait ok, go and seek medical help the same day!! Sleeping pills worked wonders for me to help pass the most difficult stage.Here’s to you, hold up your head high lady, you did it indeed! 💪💕🤗
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So happy for you Cecile and thanks for sharing your story. A helpful read for me, trying to work out a plan for me and my child, which at the moment is a little too much for me to take in even though I know it needs to happen. Taking one day at a time. Like you said a lot of planning is involved and trying to get my head around the fact I can’t take all my belongings straightaway. Good luck with your journey and keep us posted xx
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Well just measured my blood pressure which has been very high for ages. When he went away briefly it dropped. So I thought the high BP was caused by the stress of being in proximity to him. Low and behold, it is now very low, all the time. We can all discount blood pressure as a background thing. However it is. Warning of damage to the internal organs and structures of the body, a silent harm. Another thing to consider when wondering about wether or not any one is subject to harm by control or emotional abuse.
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