8th February 2016 at 4:13 am #9311mixed-up mumParticipant
Throughout the day yesterday I twice noticed my teenage son do just what his father used to do to me……..
The first time he did it to me and I didn’t pull him up on it, but the second time he did it to his sister, and I just couldn’t help myself – I just had to say something…..and so I did….but was I right or wrong for saying what I did, should I have just let it slip again and say nothing????
When I was with my ex if we were having a row over something he would ALWAYS have to have the last word, and as I turned and walked away, or he did, then I could hear him mutter something under his breath, not loud enough so as I could acyually make out what was being said, but just loud enough to make sure I heard him say something – he ALWAYS had to have the last word – and HE was ALWAYS right.
Well my son did this to me at lunchtime today, and I noticed it right away, but let him off with it, then in the evening he did its again to his sister, and this time I just couldn’t let it slip, and I said to him , “I won’t have talk like that in this house, I put up with it for years with your father, and I won’t put up with it any more, not in this house, if you have something to say say it out loud so we can all hear it or else if you have nothing nice to say – then say nothing at all”
So there you go – before I knew it the words were out of my mouth – don’t know if I should have said that to him……but I had so many years of living that way and I can’t go back to it again…..seeing and and hearing him do that brought me right back to those days, and I don’t want to be treated like that again, not by my own son……
We are out and we are free, and I should not have to put up with my son treating me like that, but he most likely saw and heard, his dad do it to me – and I honestly dont think he knew what he was doing, and I don’t think meant anything by it – it we as done in all innococence.
What would you have said and done??
8th February 2016 at 8:57 am #9313Falling SkysParticipant
Hi mixed up mum
My son has turned into his father.
Trouble I find is not to have the flash backs and loss control.
I try not to say his like his father. But I do say it’s unacceptable behaviour. Also that he needs to take responsibility for his actions. It’s not always someone else’s fault.
Mind you he not speaking to me at the moment because I am taking his dad to court to sort out the financial matters. I didn’t want to but he’s ignoring mediation ect. But I can’t talk to him about it as his dad does no wrong.
Thing is it’s learnt behaviour and it will take some time and understanding to correct it. And if you think about it is us that has changed not the abuser. Sucks really, but it will get better.
8th February 2016 at 10:15 am #9318Confused123Participant
If u spot the talking in appropriately theres nothing wrong in correcting them, in fact this is how they will learn by having set boundaries,im constantly saying it to my boys, whether they listen or not the message has been put across clearly . Try to avoid saying u r like your dad, even though at times at last resort i have said same out of frustation, but sometimes they need to hear that the beahviour there dad displayed was wrong and is unacceptable and u wont accept them behaving that way, dont be hard on your self, slowly your confidence will build as your regain confidence and self esteem in yourself
8th February 2016 at 1:34 pm #9342mixed-up mumParticipant
Thank you both for taking the time to read my post, and thanks for your relies.
I know my son meant nothing by it, and I’m sure he had no idea he was ‘doing wrong’ – but when he’d done it for the second time that day I just saw red – and I felt I couldn’t let it go on any further. The thing is if he doesn’t KNOW he is doing ‘wrong’ then he can’t change.
I just can’t have that kind of behaviour in this house, not now we are free, I don’t have to put up with being treated like that anymore.
His father did it as a means of control over me, and asserting his authority over me – ALWAYS having the last word – ALWAYS being ‘right’.
If I had not lived in a controlling and abusive marriage I may well have thought this was just normal, grumpy teenage ‘attitude’ – but I remember only too well, that was how his father treated me – we were not equal in that marriage – he was the one with the power……and by doing this it was just another way of ‘keeping me in my place’.
If I don’t teach my son right from wrong, then he will never know what is, and is not, acceptable behaviour.
I don’t want him treating girls/women the way his father treated me.
He was brought up living with a man who saw nothing wrong in treating women this way, my son knew no different, and although he’s only a teenager, he’s seen enough in his lifetime to unknowingly follow his father’s ‘example’.
I have got to pick him up on this and let him know its not a normal way to behave in a ‘healthy’ relationship, where the ‘balance of power’ is EQUAL.
I know I went about it in the wrong way – it was out of my mouth before I realised – I just flipped at the thought of him ‘turning in to his father’.
Is that not what ever mother of a son fears – that their son too will grow up to be conrolling and abusive to women just like their father…..we only want to stop it before it goes down another generation.
I know what I said was wrong ‘like your father’ – I just lost control – and I shouldn’t have reacted that way – my son is as much the victim in all of this as me, although I got the brunt of it, it affects the WHOLE family……
8th February 2016 at 4:25 pm #9350SerenityParticipant
Hi Mixed-Up Mum,
Don’t be too hard on yourself. You are human, and everyone reacts in the moment at times.
Your ex sounds like mine. Always had to have the last word. You could bet he hadn’t listened to anything, either. He wasn’t interested in others’ views. Only his own.
By the time my ex left, those in the house were traumatised by living with him, controlling and cruel as he was. Things erupted. Everyone was desperate to be listened to, to get their points across. I am not sure how much anyone took in. It was so tense.
I vowed that I would let am too a speak louder than words, to try to be the person I want my kids to be, rather than lecture at them in monologue, or be over- authoritarian ( my ex was like that, and tried to scare the kids into submission).
What I try to do is – in the moment- keep my comment very short and objective, and O try to encourage the kids to reflect on what they have done and the outcome of their actions, so “Do you think that was kind?” Or “How do you think X feels now you’ve called him that?”
Give them time to reflect. More often than not, my sons will come back half an hour later.
However, it’s perfectly understandable that you will react at times, and your kids need to know their actions affect others, and at times you will need to put your foot down and remind them you are the one with parental control.
A few times, I have slipped up and said things like ‘your dad treated me like that, and so am not having you do it to me’ and so don’t think its a bad thing to let them know that you won’t put up with them mimicking him. x
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