I don’t belong and other such feelings.

[teabag]

It’s been (detail removed by moderator). He is still the first person that pops into my head and i try hard to silence my thoughts.
Lately the feeling of not being belonged as intensified. I feel unloveableAnd frightened. Nothing seems to be working. Therapy, reading books, meditating. He turned my whole life upside down that I was left with nothing. I’m still waiting to start the (detail removed by moderator) course but have heard nothing. I do feel there is a lack of support for those who have managed to leave a DA situation. I can’t seem to grab hold of myself. I wish this shame would leave me too.

[diymum@1]

I’m so sorry your feeling like this – I’m quite a bit out and I have days when I’m still feeling alone and vulnerable. It does get better though the good days, better days come. I’ve started doing stuff that brings me comfort – I’ve taken up gardening lol something I though I’d never do – it’s helping me sleep. I also have definitely become more spiritual – when I get anxiety I lock myself in the bathroom away from everyone and say a wee prayer. It sounds so stupid. But I feel that I need to believe that there’s a higher power protecting me. I’ve never been particularly religious but my grandparents were and my most secure days were spent with them.maybe that why I’m gardening and believing in something. I think we can feel unsafe through every thing we’ve been through, isolation and turmoil are very difficult to deal with without proper support. Do you have a womens aid support group in your area? We don’t have anything like that here, I think that would be so helpful for me right now.support is everything in this, thank hoodies for this forum. Sending you my support ☺much love diymum

[diymum@1]

Goodness not hoodies

[Fudgecake]

Hello Teabag,
Those feelings you describe sound very familiar. Nine months out is still very early days. I think it would be early even for a “normal “ breakup in regards to recovery time. Our experiences are not normal though so we’re dealing with grief over losing what we thought was our partner in life and coming to terms with the fact that they abused us. No wonder our sense of belonging is tipped on its head. Couple that with us being abused in our own homes which is supposed to be our safe place and sanctuary…well,it’s not surprising that we feel lost. I don’t know what the answer is but I feel that it’s going to take a lot of healing time to get there. I think the best thing we can do is make a new home for ourselves where we can be safe and belong and then hopefully we will feel more secure in other areas of life. The grieving of the relationship will also take time and is normal. Remember nine months is still very early days and you’re doing well to get this far. Sending you positive thoughts x

[Iwantmeback]

Hi teabag, where you didn’t belong was in an abusive relationship. I’ve been reading over my old writings, playing recordings I have of his abuse. They remind me why I’m leaving and I’ll play them and read them every time I find myself thinking of the good times, of which there were some, as I’m sure you had to. But once he’s hurt you and continued to do so, repeating the same behaviour or using the same words, that is why we can’t stay or return. I know keeping busy helps, stops you thinking,but what happens when you can’t keep so busy, that your sitting down and your mind wanders. When I catch myself doing that, I shout out loud, stop it, that’s enough, he wasn’t that nice guy he pretended to be. Can you say a wee mantra to yourself, “this is his shame not mine”,write it down even, over and over if you have to, put up postits,in the kitchen, bathroom, anywhere, and keep repeating it every time you feel it. You have nothing to feel ashamed of, not one thing. Don’t be so hard on yourself, he was a huge part of your life. If he was anything like mine he was my life. One day you’ll wake up and your first thought won’t be of him and you will think less and less of him, until he becomes a memory. I can’t wait for that day to come. Everyone’s timeline to healing, to being able to live without thinking of and putting someone else before yourself is different. It just takes time.
Best wishes teabag, be kinder to yourself.
Love and light IWMB

[bloobird]

Hi everyone ,I’m new to this so hope I’m not butting in but I feel for you,I’m (detail removed by moderator) months away from my abuser and I really have felt like I’ve been,still am,grieving. I was with him a long time and tried so hard over the years to make it work,forgave him,worshipped him,gave him everything to make him happy but it was never enough,I feel so used abused manipulated and stupid. He did something (detail removed by moderator) which finally made me give uup,and I really felt like her died,the version of him I thought I could make happen was finally crushed forever by what he did,and I finally left. I I felt guilty for giving up on him,I moved so far away and went no contact that now I just feel isolated and very angry for what he’s done to me. But. Without him i am slowly getting back to myself and it does get easier and you will wake up one day soon I hope with our him in your mind. My ex never admitted any wrong,he hit me spat at me took money smashed my things up ,so much I try not to think about it any more,I take comfort from the fact that he knows what he’s done whatever he says and whatever he says he knows why I left,take care xxxxxx

[teabag]

Thanks everyone. Your words and advice is exactly what I needed. I think a trigger for me is picking p the pieces of my life, like finding a job, finished my course, its all a huge struggle but i have put myself under pressure with courses to try and pull back some self worth.
Only a few people know about what he did and I just cant seem to explain to those how terrible it was because he was so nice in public. Its like I am the mad one making stuff up. I get “and I thought you were a strong person”, they have no idea what its like to be enmeshed in someones trauma.
I am also pretty upset that the probation team knew of his level of abuse regarding his ex girlfriend and neither they nor (not sure if it was a local womens aid) contacted me to inform me of the list of offences he was chared with. All the time I thought he was charged with hitting her once. In addition I had no idea of Claires law. If only maybe I could have saved myself this upheavel. Things have got to change. I should have been notified as they had all my contact detials but sadly I never questioned why. I have no clue of this makes sense as this blue advertisment regarding online chat research is blocking my view and tapping on the X makes no difference whatsoever. Grrrrr. Miss cranky pants today!

[HopeLifeJoy]

Hi Teabag,
Here is a work-around solution for the pop-up window; write your post in your notes and copy paste it into the forum. That way you are able to see what you are writing.
You can also check in your browser settings if you have activated ‘block pop-ups’ then close down and reopen the site. Not sure if it’s going to help though since it’s a bug that needs fixing on this site. I don’t have the problem with my iPhone. You can try to use another device to see if it helps.

Breathe deeply on such days, the next day will hopefully be better. Keep posting

Big hug to you 💛

[AlwaysSorry]

Hi teabag,

They are quite the actors aren’t they 🙁 Always perfectly poised, proper and polite in public. So we must be the crazy ones for even suggesting what they are like behind closed doors 🙁 That’s how it was like for me too, but I think it’s just because they can’t fathom what it’s actually like to be in such a relationship. You ARE strong and if the few who know about him can’t seem to understand, we can. So keep posting and get it all out. I found it to be very cathartic, even the worst fears I have, have been calmed by the ladies on here.

You are lovable and the shame is for him to feel, not you.

[Author]

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