I don’t feel like I’ll ever get free

[Confused@123]

Hi,

I’m new to this group/forum and I question a lot whether I’m even being abused or if I’m being dramatic. Sometimes I’m really sure I am and then other days I think I’m making it all up.
My husband has a good job, adores our son and is actually quite shy outside of our family so no one would ever believe how he is with me.
He’s never physically hurt me but he’s always been very controlling over money. He has a (detail removed by moderator)  and every penny that is spent has to be accounted for on there. It’s not even sufficient for him to know that as per the bank statement money was spent in a supermarket, he would want to know what was bought. (Detail removed by moderator) I could take this no longer and insisted that we went separate money and that we contributed to the joint bills but kept the rest of the money in our personal accounts. This is all well and good and I earn reasonable money but he would make me pay him back for little trips away which I was fine about and he would see me struggling to do this until I found out he has a very significant lump of money from bonuses in his own savings and was happy to watch me struggle. He has always said (detail removed by moderator) and I’ve accepted that until now I see that the whole situation isn’t normal. Forget the money I don’t even really care about that.
(Detail removed by moderator) I dared to moan (out loud but it was really to myself) when my son got out of bed for the (detail removed by moderator) time and he got really angry and said I’d kicked off, was having a p***y and I really didn’t! He called me (detail removed by moderator) all in the space of (detail removed by moderator).
He hates my family and makes it incredibly difficult for me to see them. They don’t live anywhere near me so I don’t get to see them often. He won’t allow me to FaceTime them and he doesn’t want his son on FaceTime.
I don’t have any family near me so I can’t escape to them as my son has school here and I can’t bring myself to completely upheave his whole life.
I have tried to end our marriage so many times but it becomes such a battle. He won’t accept it, even though in arguments he says he wants a divorce and that he can’t stand me. I build up the confidence to say I want a divorce and then the next day he will pretend like nothings happened and I’ll have to do it all over again, then he follows me around the house hounding me wanting to go over every detail of why I want to leave and blame me for everything. I’ve told him if he wants to blame me then I’m ok with that now, I know the truth but I just want this to be over but he won’t let that happen. He knows I can’t leave without the equity of the house but he won’t agree to sell or buy me out.
If he’s not following me around the house, I’m getting constant long texts trying to convince me to stay and last time when I tried to leave he sent me a (detail removed by moderator) letter going over all the tough periods we’ve had together and begs me not to throw it all away.
He flips from begging, angry, sad to ignoring me.
I’m exhausted.
I can’t even explain some of the mind games, I just don’t understand them all myself but I know I can’t stay.
My husband also drinks every day and I hate that our son sees that.
I’m sorry for my long post. I haven’t explained my situation well and even writing it makes me think I’m making a big deal about it all.

[Beautifulday]

Hi there
I’m sorry to hear about your situation.
I just want to say reading what you’ve said this is definitely an abusive relationship! It doesn’t need to be physical, he sounds emotionally abusive, and also financially abusive, he also sounds like he has covert n********t traits

Your situation is VERY similar to mine, im also married I don’t have children with him though, but we own our home. Like you we both put equal amounts of money into a house account which just covers mortgage and bills, he earns a lot more than me yet we put in the same amount. After this I struggle every month, I usually buy food for the home out of my money, any furnishings or home decor I pay for otherwise it doesn’t get bought. I can’t afford curtains (detail removed by moderator). He makes me feel if I’m struggling i need to ask but I don’t want to ask. When my work colleagues tell them me their partners pay all bills , or pay for holidays, or work to provide for the home and renovations I really start thinking this is not normal with my H. Im not saying I want everything bought and paid for but surely husbands should want to look after their wives .

Anyway I’m just trying to say about the similarities, what I want to say is you are not stuck! You can get freedom and you will get freedom! I honestly didn’t see light at the end of the tunnel back in (detail removed by moderator), but I’ve come so far and (detail removed by moderator)  instructed the solicitor to draft the divorce letter. We are still living together.
He still thinks I dont have the courage to go through with it.

If he’s threatening to divorce you , get in there first because if you do it will put you in a much better position believe me. I would say defintely get advice from a solicitor some offer free 30 mins just to see where you stand and what your options are once you’ve done this if you like the solicitor keep them on standby, then build courage get your ducks in a row and you will reach that point where you send that email believe me.

Once you seek advice from a solicitor you will feel much more stronger as you know where you stand, it helps you see a light at the end of the tunnel.
Keep posting here lovely we are all here to help you xx

[Confused@123]

Oh thank you so much for replying! I felt bad after posting that other people’s situations are worse than mine for felt ashamed for saying anything. Your message means so much, it makes me feel validated.
I did see a solicitor last year and she gave me wonderful advice! I called yesterday to instruct her to start the process until I found out she charges 250 pounds an hour! I cannot afford that as I know my H will be difficult especially around arrangements for our son!!
How has your H been since he’s had the divorce papers? I’m worried about how things will escalate.
I feel like I’m a shadow of who I used to be! I’m nervous about everything and find it hard to make any decisions! This is me who moved country by myself before I met him and lived on my own for (detail removed by moderator) years!
You sound so strong, good for you!!

All I want is happiness xx

[Beautifulday]

Hi lovely!

My solicitor told me from thr start how much everything will cost the divorce I total is 550 so not too much , you can do it yourself if you look on direct gov.com but its always wise in these cases to get a solicitor to do it as we are dealing with abusive men who are manipulators. Mine told me exactly how much it will cost for my particular case involving the home and finances and she said it should be around £2000 but of course you don’t pay that upfront its usually in bits, and some allow you to installments. Also if you will be getting money from the home which you will you will recoup all money back!! So please don’t let it deter you all ive paid so far is half the divorce amount so half of 550. Ask the solicitor to give you the costs first they should.

You are strong too! And you can get from him! Believe me, he hasn’t received the papers yet and im dreading it, its probably going to take around 7 months to a year to complete in total she has told me but at least the ball is rolling.

Please get advice from other solicitors and see of there’s fixed fees , or how much they will charge its honestly not that much. I was putting money aside for this ans saved around 2k . But you don’t pay a big whack out in one lump honestly you can do it!

[Weak Link]

Hi confused@123,

I have read a number of posts on the forums. I can honestly say that so many stories or situations are very similar. I have been a little quiet recently as I believe my partner is suspicious that I am looking for support again. Your partners behaviour is very similar to mine. I have been like a yoyo for a number of years. Family ties were the first part he made me cut off, as he didn’t like them. Then he didn’t like my friends. So I cut ties with them. If you have any school mums that are becoming your friends, he may even start to dislike them.

Like your partner, mine is loved by everyone. He is helpful, calm and polite. A complete opposite of what he is like with me. I have been thinking of having my wages paid into a separate account and only putting half into the joint account for bills etc. However, at this time I think it could mean more trouble for me. My partner has a separate account with quite a large sum saved. He was boasting about it a few weeks ago. I had not even realised he had another account until now.

I often feel as if some of my life story is not as bad as others, but abuse comes in many forms. I am sure many of us can relate to any situation you post. I judge my own thoughts and feelings a lot too. If you are able to call any domestic abuse helpline then please do. Just remember to delete the call log after. Just to be safe. Hearing a supportive voice on the other side can really help and they can talk to you about the options that could help you.

Take care.

P.S. if I do not respond to your reply then please do not be upset. I’m not able to get much safe time online these days, but I will be thinking of you and I will check back when I can.

[Confused@123]

Hi Weak Link,

Thank you so much for your post! It’s so comforting in a way to hear that I’m not crazy and that other women understand what this is and how it makes you feel!
I spoke to another solicitor last week who’s told me because of child arrangements it could cost anywhere from 7000 to 15000 to see this through to divorce and financial settlement as he is going to be really difficult.
The only option I have is to rent while it’s going through but will have to pay rent and cover the solicitor bills at the same time and I just can’t see how I’ll do that.
Feeling so low and stuck at the moment. I need to get my fight back!!
My H knows I’m looking to leave at the moment so is being his extra nice self and I just find it creepy now but .. I still end up ‘forgetting’ and being confused about all the stuff he does when he’s not doing this nice act. I just sound crazy and I know it!!

I’m sorry you are going through the same thing and you struggle to get some safe time.

I have started getting out for exercise which allows me some breathing time if only for a short time!

I want to be free so bad but I’m really struggling to work out how and when!

Respond back if you get a safe moment x

No one can help us except ourselves!

[Autumnrose]

Hi

Im new here to so forgive me but I can completely resonate with your story, its taken me years to believe that its not me its him, hes so shy and reserved although thankfully he has had outbursts in front of staff and customers but generally i didnt know if i was coming or going, back handed compliments, gaslightng you name it, it leaves you dazed and confused to the point you think you are going mad. But I got out despite having to forclose on a business, get my adult children on board, let down customers who had supported us through the lockdown, (detail removed by moderator) but i did it, He took no responsibility for anything so i had control of the finances but i have subsequently also had to deal with the financial fall out of the business as well of course, he plays the victim but I don’t care, as much as i am angry with him im doing it because i know i can go to bed at night safe and sound. I have had to get guarantors to support me renting and my family are not wealthy so this was hard, i had to secretly find accommodation whilst running the business along side him with no time to myself, and carry on smiling to the customers everyday. It was horrendously hard but it was meant to be because every step fell into place, i know i have a long road ahead now and I wont say that’s easy but this is actually so much easier than living in fear. So what i want to say is….if i can leave, i seriously believe anyone can, but if you had asked me that this time last year id have laughed for a day! Good luck

[Camel]

Hello Confused

I’m glad you’re getting a lot of support from women who also have to deal with divorce, child custody and shared property. These are particular issues that can make leaving seem impossible. Trust everyone when they tell they’re achievable.

Personally I can comment on the control aspect of your experience. I think it’s very telling that you say he ‘won’t let you’ Face Time. I do understand completely how controlling abusers wear us down until we comply with every unreasonable demand. So do it secretly. You really need people in your corner. You know that by isolating you he’s doing everything possible to keep you under his control. It has nothing to do with what kind of people your family or friends are, but everything to do with what kind of person he is.

Keep safe and keep posting x

[Camel]

I would also suggest you stop telling him that you want a divorce. It’s pointless for many reasons. It gives him forewarning, leading to more control and endless attempts to talk you round.

Sometimes I think we tell our partners that we’re leaving because deep down we hope they’ll accept their faults and change their ways. (They won’t. It will get worse.)

Or perhaps we think we’re being dishonest if we keep it secret? (Although they never play fair.)

You don’t need his permission to leave the relationship. You don’t need to justify yourself. You don’t need to discuss, compromise, agree to try, or anything else.

And one other point, divert as much money as you can into a private account. Make sure to go paperless. Your money is your own.

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