I don’t feel like the abuse is bad enough to leave

[Rainbowcloud]

Sometimes I wonder if it’s abuse or if it’s bad enough to warrant leaving I guess all couples have their problems that’s what I tell myself.
The silent treatments the atmosphere the explosions have all become part of my life now. (Detail removed by moderator).
This is the kind of stuff he does on a daily basis.
I’m scared when he comes home he doesn’t hit me but like now I have to msg him or he won’t be happy I haven’t messaged him.
(Detail removed by moderator) my friend called to book a meal for me and her to catch up his face was like thunder about it and I got the silent treatment for a while I know when I go he won’t be happy will probably row on me.
But he doesn’t hit me it’s all little things lots of little things. If he hit me it would be easier it’s harder to leave when you don’t know what is normal . So glad I can post on here today

[Wants To Help]

Hi rainbowcloud,

I see from your previous posts that you have been living like this for a few years now at least. During that time, has anything improved for you? It may be worth having a read through your previous posts to remind yourself of what you have been living like for some time.

All of us have our own personal boundaries of what we think is acceptable – our ‘red line’ moment – the ‘ultimate’ thing he could do that makes us thing “right, that’s it, now he’s done that, I’m out of here.” But then when he does ‘that’ we make excuses for it, ‘he was tired / stressed / upset / angry / it was my fault in a way because…’ and we move the boundaries.

What you have described above with the incidents around (detail removed by moderator) is very strict and an over reaction. This is what kids do, (detail removed by moderator) . He is a dictator and he is scaring the children. This sort of behaviour can make people fearful of doing things in the first place, we know that as adults as that’s how the abusers treat us, so think how it is for your children to grow up like this. You saw how they reacted to him.

Abuse is not about him hitting you. The fact that you are scared of him hitting you shows that he has control over you as you fear being assaulted if you don’t comply. If you feel you are only justified to end this is when violence occurs then ask yourself “Am I happy?” If you are not happy in a relationship that is also reason enough to leave. List what you are unhappy with or about. List how you have tried to talk about this and how the conversation went. Were you able to get your reasons across? If so, how did he react? Did anything change as a result to make you happier? I can guess the answer to these questions.

When we can see that our children are being affected by the abusive behaviour we really need to take notice. It’s one thing for us, as adults, to decide that we can perhaps tolerate it for a bit longer, but we also have responsibility for our children. They do not have a choice. They cannot choose to leave and go elsewhere to get away from it. They have to suffer it. Please do not minimise what is happening here. If it has been going on for so long that this has become ‘normal’ life it doesn’t mean that it’s right. You have brought your worries, feelings and concerns to this forum for a reason. You know it is abuse. If you need others to confirm this for you then I’m here confirming it for you.

Please start to explore some options about how you can safely leave this relationship to give you and your children a happier life.

xx

[Rainbowcloud]

Thanks so much your right he is a dictator he’s exactly that. I want to cry because I’ve caused this on us all and I didn’t want this for us. He’s not abusive everyday it comes and goes he has good days or good weeks so then I think it’s ok again.
Some of the old behavior he has stopped since my daughter was born but 70% of it is still there. He’s a good dad to her spends lots of time playing with her and loving to her so I feel bad if I take her away from him as well . I am going ring the helpline see if they can suggest anything for me to do. Thanks so much x

[Wants To Help]

You’re welcome rainbowcloud. You have not caused this, his behaviour is what causes it, you are having to react to it. Of course you didn’t want this for you or your children, none of us ever do. A huge part of coming to terms with abuse is to stop taking the responsibility for it happening. Ringing the helpline is a great idea. It is another step in your journey to seeking information to help you form a plan. Good luck, let us know how you get on x

[Lisa]

Dear Rainbowcloud,

I just want to add my support as it sounds like you’re doubting yourself. Everything you have explained in your posts is definitely abuse, you have explained emotional abuse, coercive control, threatening behaviour and in your other post, sexual abuse. The emotional abuse is difficult to recognise and to explain to others because it can be subtle but it has deep and long term effects. You must be absolutely exhausted from this and it is natural to question yourself, but abuse is abuse. It is never all the time, there are always periods of ‘better times’, that’s how it can carry on, that’s the cycle of abuse. It might be worth learning about this if you haven’t already.

You say above that you have caused this, but you absolutely have not. He will be turning it around onto you and making you feel to blame. But you are not, the perpetrator is the only person responsible. He is causing all of this. You say he’s a good dad, but a good dad doesn’t treat the mother of his children like this, or teach them that this is the way to behave.

You are doing really well, keep reaching out; calling the helpline can be really useful to help to manage your thoughts and try to work out how to move forward. Take it at your own pace and always prioritise the safety and wellbeing of you and your children.

Keep posting,

Lisa

[Eggshells]

Dear Rainbowcloud

I just wanted to echo what has already been said because it can be difficult to see the extent of abuse that you are being exposed to whilst you are still in the relationship.

This is abuse and abuse is always bad enough to warrant leaving. There is no such thing as mild abuse. It’s not OK to have to live with any form of abuse.

The first book ever recommended to me was “Living with the Dominator” by Pat Craven. It exposed alot of abusive behaviour that had been hiding in plain sight. It was a real wake up call for me and combined with the support on the forum, I knew I had to leave.

You are really important and you don’t deserve to live like this. You have not caused his behaviour. Whoever he is with will be abused by him and he’ll do his best to convince them it’s their fault.

Nothing you can do will change him unfortunately. Please focus your energy on looking after yourself. xx

[nbumblebee]

This gets many of us.
You come on here and read so many heart wrenching stories of such terrible abuse you sit there and winder if what you yourself goes through is actually abuse right? I know i did I do.
Mine has hit me but doesnt now although he would if he could and he tells he that. We also have good days great days but we also have bad days and very bad days.
Control, manipulation are all types of emotional abuse and can leave as deeper scars as physical abuse can you just cant see them.
Do not compare your situation to others they are not you and you are not them.
Instead concentrate on you and how you feel.
Start to trust and believe in yourself this is the only way you are gonna start to get through this. None of this is easy nor is it fast you do what you can what you feel you are able to when you can. There are people out there when you are ready to reach out that can help you, listen to you and guide you. Keep talking, keep reading keep learning and start believing. You do not have to live this way sweetie. Xx

[gettingtired]

Hey, please don’t underestimate the emotional abuse. Mine has never hit me although he has been physically violent towards me in the past and there have been times where the verbal abuse got so bad I felt like I’d rather be p*nched in the face than endure being his emotional punch bag a moment longer! Neither is better nor worse but the emotional stuff isn’t to be underestimated. I totally relate to how you’re feeling and minimising your situation as a way of coping as I do the same. As others may have already said, do google the cycle of abuse, trauma bonding, download the audio book version of ‘Why does he do that?’ by Lundy Bancroft (it’s free online I believe). You and your children don’t deserve to be abused xx

[Rainbowcloud]

Thanks all so much for replying to me and your right I know you are. Last night he came home with that face again really disturbs me then he kept asking me for hugs and why don’t you hug me anymore drives me nuts I have the baby and other kids all day then him sucking the life out of me all night either rowing on me or being so so needy.
It’s one or the other with him there’s never an in between I’ve noticed .
I feel horrified when I read how others get beaten up and things it’s awful then I feel grateful he doesn’t hit me which he does tell me well at least Ive never hit you etc
I’m being evicted from my house soon as the LL is selling so I’m stressing about that situation too 🙁

[Rainbowcloud]

I’ve jsur called him about something my friend told me he flipped out down the phone accused me of trying to (detail removed by moderator). It was actually nothing to do with the conversation so he’s going to kick off later I really want to leave 🙁

[gettingtired]

Just as a precaution later make sure you have your mobile phone on you at all times, fully charged and don’t be afraid to call the police. It’s recommended to have an emergency bag packed and ready hidden somewhere in your house if possible with essential items, car (if you use one) parked facing outwards on the drive with keys kept somewhere easy to access. I don’t mean to scare you but women’s aid do recommend having an escape plan just in case. Let us know you’re safe xx

[Lottieblue]

Hello @rainbowcloud,

Everything that the others have already written is absolutely spot on. I just wanted to add that I am a good example of what happens if you soldier on, believing it might get better, believing you can make it better, believing it can’t really be that bad. I was married for a long time, with kids. There were happy moments and there were really desperate moments when I hated him and didn’t want to be in the marriage at all, really didn’t want to go on. He was nice, he was critical, he was nice again, he was angry – I was constantly on tenterhooks – I’d listen to how he spoke to the family pets when he came through the door at night to try and gauge his mood. I didn’t know it was abuse. It never even occurred to me. I just thought things were tough. I thought they’d get easier when this or that problem at work was over, when the kids were bigger, when this hurdle had passed or that goal had been achieved. And it never did.
And then one day, there was a big eruption, which shook me to the core, and was so extreme that I started googling – I didn’t google abuse, but something like “irrational rage” and of course once that can of worms was opened there was no going back. Things suddenly fell into place. The way he had treated me for the whole of our marriage – while never once laying a finger on me. And the way he was with our kids, too.

And then I knew what he was doing and I couldn’t unknow it and I started to die inside. Our children grew and grew up and guess what? It didn’t get better, it got worse. It got worse because it was a whole new ball game and his expectations of me increased because my obligations to the family had decreased. And he didn’t listen and I cried and I continued to die inside because I felt there was no me. I was a physical body, like a manequin, but I had lost all sense of being a person, of identity, of self.

They are what they are. They are abusers. They are not going to stop abusing. They are not going to stop behaving like they are entitled. They are not going to stop believing they are entitled. It’s a belief. It will only get worse.

Do what is right for you. Don’t go before you are ready – but be ready to go when you are. Line your ducks up. Read read read. But please, go sometime. Since I left, like anyone, I have questioned whether I did the right thing, whether I could have done things differently, whether there would be any hope of making it work (as my eldest child insists)(but the other two know better). It has been agony and, frankly, it’s still not plain sailing. BUT I have never doubted that it was the right thing to do. The answer to those questions has always been the same. I don’t think I could have left sooner (although I wish I could have) and I feel devastated that my dream of a happy family life was destroyed by this self-centred bully. And my Goodness it is hard and is going to get harder. But in 5 years and 10, and 20, I shall still be free of him and hopefully the pain will have healed.

It’s not going to get better, my love, and even if his behaviour doesn’t get worse, the impact it has on you will. Save yourself in order to save your family.

Much love x*x

[nbumblebee]

Wow @lottieblue you could be describing my life there gosh your words are just how i am now.
Apart from the fact im still here and cant get out.
Sorry @rainbowcloud I didnt mean to jump on your post but this answer stopped me dead and i had to comment.

@rainbowcloud getting tired is right sweetie time to think about an escape plan pack a bad and really get your ducks in a row most importantly time to reach out contact womans aid or a friend you trust get some help and support and stay safe above all else keep yourself safe.
Let us know how you get on. Xxxx

[Rainbowcloud]

Thanks so much very similar and what I’m experiencing also. Like today we went out with the kids had a nice day but he makes sexual remarks then he went off on one saying (detail removed by moderator).
He was making sexual remarks in a secret to me so the kids didn’t hear and being overly nice but I still feel like there’s an aggressive undertone to what he’s saying. Like (detail removed by moderator) things like this he was saying and it doesn’t feel sincere to me like it’s fake and cringeworthy because tomorrow he might change to the other character he plays.
Like last night he blew up after work as I was (detail removed by moderator) so I don’t actually.
So then I feel I can’t speak when he’s there I would never do that to him or make him feel like that.
Then he wanted you know what again and once again I had to go through with it past midnight I was tired too.
It’s like I’m just there for him but then he’s nice and then I think we’ll things aren’t that bad but they are.

[Anonymous]

Rainbowcloud (I love your name so pretty) here’s the thing if your on a domestic abuse forum it’s bad enough to leave there’s probably trauma bonding going on cognitive dissonance and denial we deny a lot and stuff a lot down and sometimes compare different types of abusive relationships, there no excuse for abuse all the ladies on here are too good and too lovely to have been treated the way they have been and all they’re loveliness has been used against them, keep the good for yourself and someone who deserves it, abusers don’t, they need no contact or minimum at most anyway welcome to the forum it’s nice to have to have you here 💖🤗💖

[Rainbowcloud]

Thanks all helps so much it’s so hard to see the wood from the trees sometimes. He plays the most awful mind games on a daily basis with me so nice today but I still feel it under the niceness you know what I mean like it is nothing genuine .
I’m sick of him bringing up sex we were out having food and he’s bringing it all up again like I have zero else to think about but it’s like he owns me when he says it it’s draining I laugh it off but I’m tired of it. I’m a person not an object for him.
He says all the nice things but I’m always nervous because I don’t know when mr nasty is coming back out to play.
Last night he was kickin off as I was (detail removed by moderator) abs that’s now allowed but he speaks to who he wants I never say a word I don’t care why would I.
Then all night he was moody till he wanted it again and I had to do it to keep the peace then he was back to being nice and all was ok.
It’s so draining living this life of pleasing someone then I try to stop and he kicks off again and your trapped with kids in the house u can’t just run off u have to think things through. Who knows if he would hit me I don’t trust him in that way.
Everyday is hard I’m living a lie I told my best friend a bit via text (detail removed by moderator) then tofsh he made me put up pics of us on social media after I told my friend so she’s going to look at those and not take me seriously now he forced me to put pics up of fake happiness.

[Hsjslehdhd]

We often forget when being in an abusive relationship for a while that actually people leave relationships all the time for various reasons and sometimes just because they want to and aren’t happy. We don’t even need a reason other than that we dont want to be in the relationship anymore.

I made the mistake of staying for the same reason for a long time. I actually thought that I couldn’t leave unless I did it straight away after he had lost it bad and if I didn’t do it quick enough or the his espisode wasn’t bad enough I had to wait until the next time. Years and years passed, the abuse just got worse and each time I just moved my boundaries so I believed it needed to be worse before I left it will get worse but you do not have to wait for that.

Don’t underestimate emotional abuse and control. In my personal experience I found that the worst part of my abuse. Abuse comes in lots of forms, he does not need to hit you to be an abuser. You are being abused regardless of if hes physical or not.

I hope you find the strength to ring the helpline, the first step is always the hardest but they are so helpful and supportive and can advice you how to get out safely.

[Bettertimesahead]

Rainbow cloud, I get it. The bringing up sex all the time, he did that. On my days off he’d expect sex every morning or he’d be in a mood, give me silent treatment etc. Towards the end I used to instigate it just to get it over and done

[TrappedButterfly]

I don’t think I can add much else as the other replies say it so much better than I could ever write. But I just wanted reach out and echo some of the other replies. Emotional abuse is abuse. It might not leave physical scars, but mentally it can break you until you are a shell of a person.

Like you I kept thinking the abuse was not bad enough to leave. I have read your story and I can relate to you so much.

I only found the strength to leave my husband when he decided to rage in front of our baby girl and ended up getting physical with me ( I still question whether it was physical because as it was not a punch or a kick. He just pulled me to the ground)

But now I am away from him, trying to understand it all, I have started to realise how bad he was and it haunts me. His words, his actions.

It’s so hard trying to process it all and leave when you are questioning things or yourself. But what your going through is abuse full stop. Please try and find the strength to call the helpline and begin to start exploring your options. You deserve a life where you and your children can be free and happy. Xx

[Wants To Help]

Trapped Butterfly, sorry to jump on this thread as I know you are replying to rainbowcloud, but I can’t help but comment on one of your comments.

If you were walking along the street and a stranger jumped out and pulled you to the ground would you consider that a physical assault or not? Would it be okay for a stranger to pull you to the ground as long as they didn’t punch or kick you? I’m playing devils advocate here, I know you would be horrified if a stranger pulled you to the ground and you would be very frightened. Please don’t minimise an assault ‘just because’ it’s been caused by someone you were in a relationship with. You were physically assaulted, please have no doubt about it xx

[Author]

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