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    • #124642
      Smallasmustardseed
      Participant

      I posted a few weeks ago and have been battling the is it really abuse I’ve gone full circle many times since in my thinking. Knowing its wrong and abusive but that he’s not deliberately abusing. To I’m as bad if he is abusive then so must I be . To my children will need us as a unit to they need to see good example of relationship to maybe I can just keep up the quiet act and never say another bad word about him just grin and bear and behave accordingly.

      I’m so inspired by what I read here all of the bravery. I just don’t have that and I feel I wouldn’t be happy in any situation that I’m just selfish.
      I’m not sure of the point of my post I’m sorry I guess I’ve been wallowing I’ve been hovering over wanting to just say absolutely everything on here especially since mothers day and the last Easter Sunday. I thought I’d reached that’s it but I’d just reached more reasons to find why he does it. I hate my mind I’m so tired of all this

    • #124667
      Hawthorn
      Participant

      You poor thing, living in the abuse is so exhausting and confusing. It’s normal to minimise what’s happening so you can cope day to day. Try not to rush yourself into accepting he’s doing deliberately, in my experience it took many months after I was out, and lots of counselling and education, to accept and understand that.

      Try to focus on yourself and your children. You deserve a home where you can be yourself, be happy and comfortable, without fear of reprisal. Keep a diary of his abuse both as a record, and so you can see the patterns and cycle of abuse. Your children deserve a happy and contented mum. Chdren learn from our actions more than our words, and they are learning that its normal for one partner to rule the roost, and have the other doing everything to keep them happy. That power and control over another is normal and to be expected.
      Keep posting here and reading other posts coming out of the FOG is very painful so be very gentle with yourself. You deserve so much more than abuse and fear. You deserve a peaceful, happy home where you can be yourself. Take care xx

    • #124669
      Darcy
      Participant

      Hi beautiful Angel,
      I think you know deep down that what you are going through is abuse to be on this forum and posting.
      It is confusing and scary when you get to that realisation, however I think when you do it is the beginning of the end of the relationship.
      You say you need to set your children an example of a good relationship … well pretending is not a good relationship and children aren’t stupid. What you need to set them is a good example of a strong woman who respects herself and has self worth and self love and sets boundaries that others respect.
      I know it’s not easy when you feel worn down yourself to be positive but you have to start to make the changes my darling. Posting on here is a great first step. Start thinking what options you have and what you would do if you were strong enough to do it and nothing was standing in your way.
      You will find loads of support on the forum and loads of inspirational stories of woman who have turned their lives around, take your strength from them.
      We support you
      Sending you continued love and support
      Darcy xx

    • #124671
      Watersprite
      Participant

      Just sending warmth and support. You are right at the beginning of awareness and a journey. Abuse is deliberately making things unclear. Begin by being gentle on and to yourself. Begin by trusting your truth not his lies – like a wise friend would observe how he is behaving with a little distance. You have begun and are stronger than you know even by being here x*x

    • #124756
      Smallasmustardseed
      Participant

      Thank you all so much for your replies, I am so grateful. Its been difficult to get a long window to login but I’ve trued to read site etc. I can’t quite cope with most things right now I can’t even drive off to stay with anyone because of restrictions and I know they say you can in cases of domestic abuse but then you’d have to prove that and that stress seems all to much because I’d just feel I was making mountain, I am looking at whether holiday places nearby just so I can pretend a holiday and still take to school and get a breather from the situation? X

    • #124761
      Eggshells
      Participant

      Hi Smallmustardseed,

      Once you understand that you are in an abusive relationship you take the first step on a journey. Everyone takes that journey at different speeds.

      Allow yourself time and, if you can, space.

      You can go and stay over with friends and relatives. I have done it when I’ve been struggling. Nobody will stop you on the road and ask where you are going. Nobody will knock on the door to ask why you are staying over. If you are worried about Covid, you and the person you stay with can get free lateral flow tests to make sure you’re negative.

      If you can get a little privacy, please do try the Womens Aid chat line and perhaps try to call your local domestic violence charity. They might be able to help you to clarify you’re thinking a little.

      The forum is an amazing place. There are so many women here who have been through or are going through the experiences you are having now. They are a goldmine of knowledge and understanding and everyone is incredibly supportive so when you head is whirling, please do post and ask for help.

      Sometimes it can be a little difficult to accept that you really are in an abusive relationship. That is normal. Abuse works by keeping you confused. Reading is a great way to help you to find clarity. I’m not sure if you have read “Living with the Dominator” by Pat Craven? It is a very manageable book, available on e-readers that might help you.

      Take care of yourself. You really need to try and put yourself first for a while do that you can work things through. xx

    • #125827
      Smallasmustardseed
      Participant

      Thank you everyone, I’ve re read continuously the replies, I am sorry I’m slow and not active on here. The last few weeks I just well I can’t even bring myself to think upon I. Know I’m aware now but I’m finding it harder as my attitude is making everything worse for me in the moment

      • #125862
        Silverbirch
        Participant

        Hello smallasmustardseed

        The women on this forum understand. We have been through it too. Take tiny steps. There is no pressure and no rush. Trust yourself. The shared wisdom on this forum can be a strong resource for you.

        I hope you keep posting so we know how you are. Have faith in yourself.

        xx

    • #125834
      Secretlife
      Participant

      Hello Smallasmustardseed

      I am at the same stage as you, only found out that I am experiencing abuse, and have been for many years. I always thought I was being oversensitive and it wasn’t really that bad. Since discovering this forum everything has changed for me, my whole outlook, the way I feel, everything about my relationship. I just want to leave him. I know I cannot continue to live like I have been for years now. But, the enormity of thinking about leaving feels too much to bear at the moment. I am grappling with what I have learned here and my need to get out but feel paralysed to actually take action. You’re not alone. Maybe as time moves forward we’ll become more accepting of it all and more able to function through the thick fog we now find ourselves in. Keep posting, the support on here is so comforting, and inspiring – we will get there in our own time I’m sure. Sending you love and hugs xx

      • #125839
        gettingtired
        Participant

        Hello, I feel exactly the same as you and mustardseed. I know I want to leave and that my life would be better without him (eventually once I’m over the upset of it all) but I’m struggling to take any action. It’s so difficult isn’t it? Xx

    • #125841
      Secretlife
      Participant

      It certainly is Getting tired. I can’t believe I’m in this dreadful situation. At times I feel so close to going, but I just can’t seem to take that final leap. Keep posting, we can all support each other xx

    • #125947
      Smallasmustardseed
      Participant

      Thank you you are all so amazing.. Thank you silver birch for the encouragement and secretlife and getting tired it’s all so difficult to make a move tlfor action. I know he moves goal posts but my own goal posts seem to move each time.. Since I’ve embarked on writing on here I’ve started noticing more and because eof that I make a note in head somehow that if he does this then I’ll definitely know I can act because it’s clear but then weirdly since then quite dramatically lots of things have just got worse and it’s in my mind I change the rules?? I’m more tired of myself..!!

      • #126128
        Silverbirch
        Participant

        Hello smallasmustardseed, part of what hdpoens to us in abusive relationships is we get tired and confused and doubt ourselves. It can be really important to get a safe place to talk about what is happening do you can start to get some clarity. This forum can be part of that and maybe your local Womens’ Aid. Trust yourself xx

    • #125950
      Darcy
      Participant

      Hi Beautiful Angel,
      I just read the title of your post ‘I don’t feel worth more’ and I am here to tell you , you most certainly are worth more my darling.
      Every single person in this world is here for a reason and we are all unique and that applies to you to.
      Do not ever think that you are not worth more or that the world doesn’t need to know who you are because it does and you were born to shine.
      Please sit quietly, even if it’s just on the toilet and find that inner voice, that magical lady that you are and tell her you are going to take care of her from now on and together you are going to grow and get stronger. Ask her what she needs and start to check in with her every day. Do not ignore this inner voice, this is your strength that will turn your life around.
      Please read or listen to Louise Hay, You Can Heal Your Life, it will help you know your worth again
      Sending you continue love and support
      Darcy xx

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