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    • #98203
      SunshineRainflower
      Participant

      I’m not sure if others can relate to this but, since I first started dating when I was a teenager, unlike the other girls at school, I never dated the guys who were in my social circle. Instead I’d date previously unknown men I met in nightclubs, bars and online dating.

      I always felt drawn to men who at the time I knew were somehow ‘different’ to the men in my social circles but I didn’t know why. I just felt that those were the men I felt drawn to date, that I was meant to date those men, so I did. In some ways I think I falsely believed they were superior to both me and the men in my social circles because I thought they were ‘hotter’ and ‘cooler’ so I always wanted to be with one of them.

      Now that I’m older, I can see that I was subconsciously drawn to these men because they were arrogant, vain, n**********c, shallow like most of the men in my family. I thought this is what ‘proper’ men were like and that they were somehow better than other men who didn’t have these traits.

      So my life, when I was in a relationship, would always be divided into two parts – the first part was me being a good student or working, having friends, doing my fairly quiet introverted hobbies etc and the second part would be me in a relationship with some arrogant man I looked up to. I kept the two parts largely separate because I didn’t have much in common with them. At the time I thought I was inferior to them so I thought that abandoning myself for them was the right thing to do and became used to them downplaying, mocking and discouraging my interests and talents. I’d always feel anxiety with these men and cry a lot, but I used to confuse anxiety for ‘butterflies’ and didn’t understand why I was so unhappy. I felt such huge conflict and most of it was on a subconscious level I didn’t yet understand. I used to think ‘I’ve got this great guy, so why am I crying all the time?’

      It occurred to me today, I don’t have to do that anymore, to date men like this. I’m safe. I no longer have to abandon myself if I choose to date again. The only type of man I am interested in now is a man who will compliment my life, not split in two and encourage me to abandon myself.

    • #98204
      KIP.
      Participant

      I can totally relate to this. I was so naive I confused confidence with arrogance. You can see the power imbalance in these relationships now. They don’t want an equal they want a subservient ego boosting slave x maybe that’s why these men on these dating site want women 10 years younger. That way they’re probably miles ahead in career, finances and life experience.

    • #98208
      SunshineRainflower
      Participant

      Thank you KIP. Yes that’s a very good point about why they look for younger women, they want to maintain that power imbalance and they want a woman who hasn’t yet learned the red flags.
      I’m so glad I had this realisation about dating. I always felt that I needed to date these guys for some reason, like an invisible pull towards them, even though they made me sick with anxiety and depressed. I always thought I had to split my life in two and always prioritised them over myself. I can see them and the pattern so much more clearly now, thank goodness.

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