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Keep having a lot of flashbacks at the minutes. Very panicky. Looking at myself and seeing exactly what he said i was. I cry. I believe im all those cruel words and i still question my purpose. Im in a better place than i was. But i still hate myself.. i feel disgusted in myself. Im scared and forever making sure i am safe in everything i do. Im struggling to maintain relationships again i dont trust anyone, even those closest to me. I still dont feel like my mind is my own. I was doing so well. Why am i feeling like this again ;(
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Are you having counselling? This is what I experienced, just when I thought I’d made progress I seemed to go backwards. Recovery is a real rollercoaster ride. Your brain is still trying to sort through the trauma that you buried at the time as a coping mechanism. Now it feels safe it’s going to have to deal with the abuse and trauma and this is how it happened with me. I had counselling to help me Get through and explain what was happening which made things less scary. I had my abusers voice in my head for a very long time. Even now occasionally if I mess up I hear him saying stupid b****. I told you that would happen. The Body Keeps The Score Is a good book about trauma. Healing from Hidden Abuse is also good. What you’re experiencing is a process to healing so just keep going with support. You won’t always feel this way 💕
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It will get better – keep hopeful and believing. Counselling is helping me – speak to your GP do something nice for you and only you today – what would that be? Remember you are so brave you survived the abuse it is normal to have this reaction and it will take time. Start being everything to yourself that your abuser never was do things that are kind caring and gentle. Sending support I was there – still can be sometimes but it gets better x
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