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I’m lying in bed crying myself to sleep for the thousandth time because I’m such a coward and I hate myself for it.
I know things won’t get better but I’m too scared to leave or say anything as I’m terrified of the repercussions and a part of me thinks I’m overreacting and it will get better but it obviously never does.
Me and my partner have been away for the weekend with my family and it astounds me how he can put an act on in front of them yet talk like c**p to me when they’re not in earshot.
Literally anything that goes wrong is my fault. He makes me feel small and stupid and I learnt a long time ago not to answer back because he screams and shouts even more which terrifies me. I don’t say anything back then he gets angry with me for not replying. I literally can’t win. I’m a nervous wreck always trying to make sure there’s nothing that could cause him to blow up. He’s never hit me but I know this is emotional and mental abuse. He doesn’t even realise he’s doing it and thinks it’s normal. His mum treats his dad the same way.
I’m generally a confident and outgoing person but not when it comes to him and I hate myself for not standing up to him as I wouldn’t let anyone else treat me this way. I fantasise about being alone but I don’t have the strength to leave yet. When I read the discussions on the forum I always think I must be overreacting and need to grow a backbone. Please tell me I’m not overreacting.
I’ve been on antidepressants for a long time and honestly believe it’s because of this relationship. I Just want to be me again without the tablets but I don’t know how or if I should even carry on.
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I could of wrote all this too. I feel exactly the same way. I don’t know how much advice I can offer as I’m just new to all this myself and only very recently left the relationship but I hate the thought of you laying in bed crying yourself to sleep. I’ve been there so many times before and it’s not nice.
In my experience I was scared to leave as like you I’d been ground down so much I believed I’d never do any better and he was the best I could get. I was scared of what would happen if I left too because he’d told me he wouldn’t let anyone else have me. But in the end it was either stay stuck in this cycle forever and take a big leap of faith. In the end my gut did it for me. I automatically reacted to the last episode of abuse by just ending it. He’s done some nasty things to get at me since, he’s been horrible and cruel at time’s, but he was like that in the relationship too. We have to see these men for what they are and I know it’s hard. It’s not you. One hard thing I’ve had to learn is that no matter how much they tell you they love you, no one who loved you would leave you crying yourself to sleep at night. One other valuable pic ever of advice I say over and over in my mind when he makes me doubt myself is ‘just because he says it doesn’t make it true’. I bet you he’s told you loads of silly lies before, if he can lie about other things he can certainly stretch to lying to put you down. It’s hard for us to understand because we don’t think like them but You deserve so much more!
I cried every morning first thing for weeks. I cried even more that I was crying every morning!! There were so many nights I didn’t sleep a wink all night. I think I had some kind of a breakdown to be honest. It felt awful and it didn’t make sense because he was horrible and I didn’t want to be with him but then I read up about trauma bonds and everything made so much more sense. I don’t cry every day now, I don’t wake up thinking I’m worthless every day. Yes I have bad times but I can also see the good now. Now when I look back on it that really horrible phase didn’t even seem to last that long. I know I have a long way to go tho but I can feel a bit more life coming back in to me each day. I’d rather be alone than with someone who makes me feel like nothing and I really hope one day you get to that point too! They really do never change no matter how much they say they will and none of the abuse is your fault either.
I hope you got over to sleep ok xx
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Hello Penny21,
There are lots of women on this forum who feel the same as you do. I’m one of them. I have all those feelings, doubt, self-hatred, belief that I’m a coward. What you need to do is start building yourself up, making yourself strong, so that one day you can leave. Start with a couple of books. Three, in fact. They are mentioned again and again on this forum, and with good reason. They are Lundy Bancroft “why does he do that?”, Pat Craven “Living with the Dominator” and Shannon Thomas “Healing from Hidden abuse”. They are not a fix-all. But they will make you see that it’s not you, it’s him, and that what you think is happening is actually “a thing”.
I, too, don’t answer back or defend myself because I fear the repercussions, but I now do so in the knowledge that that doesn’t mean I’m weak, it means I’m strong, because I know I understand what’s going on, I’ve rumbled him and I’m not playing into his hands.
I am stuck and I am miserable but I will go and I know that when I do I won’t regret it for a minute. I also know he won’t make it easy so the more I understand and know what to expect, the less horrific I hope it will be.
Do keep coming back. I can’t emphasise that enough. We’re all at different stages of our understanding and of our journey. You will find it a massive help, just reading around the different threads. Have a look at “This is my Abuser” – it’s quite a long thread now but you will be amazed at the similarities between all our monsters. Look also at “does anyone regret..” (either “Getting Out” or “Leaving”).
We’ve all got your back. People always tell me I’ll leave when the time is right and I’m just hoping it’s true. X
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You ladies have my sympathy as I was in your shoes 20 years ago and got out. He would constantly yell and scream at me for years, his mother was the same. He put me through hell and was physically violent too until one day I had a breakdown and woke up and kicked him out, with the help of the police. I too felt like you. There is a way out. Please don’t think twice, you only have one life and I have no regrets. Keep talking to the fantastic ladies on here xx
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Hi @penny21
Its like you wrote my life! I can relate as I’m going through similar I cry most days usually first thing in the morning in the shower , or when I’m alone I feel so pathetic even saying that 🙁 but its true!
I like you feel stuck , and see no light at the end of the tunnel but as my story is not as bad as zone I read i find i doubt myself and doubt if he really is abusive. He’s never told me he’ll stop me leaving but with me it’s more the fact of trying the sort the house worrying about him creating problems , seeing solicitors , how do I tell him I want to split? All these things go round and round my head and I get so confused and exhausted I just stop thinking and keep staying, its horrible I used to be so strong so independent and grew up in a family full of love where we were taught to be independent and strong so I dont know how ive come to this..BUT I’ve made the step coming here, im reading im talking to the other ladies and ive spoken to my local WA which im so glad I did. You should to!
At the moment I keep waiting for him to do something way out of order but he seems to be being overly nice the past week or two almost like he can sense a change in me? And there hasnt been any incidents I keep wanting something to happen so I can say right thats it, but i feel its not going to and im stuck. When he’s overly nice it makes me feel guilty like im being over sensitive it makes me confused very confused .
Stay strong lovely we will get through this, you will get through this!!!
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Don’t worry @beautifulday – you know he’ll revert to type. He’s just waiting until he’s got you sucked back in again. It’s horrible waiting though, isn’t it? I find it makes me feel physically sick, the apprehension. But it’ll come. It always does. X
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Thank you all so much for your words. It really means a lot to know I’m not alone.
It’s like I still can’t accept it’s happening and I just feel like I’m overreacting but then I remember that I’ll do anything to keep the peace and avoid an argument, or if he bangs the door or something really loud I immediately panic and think oh no what have I done or what can I be blamed for. I know now That is not a normal or happy relationship.
You are all so amazing and I’m sending you virtual hugs. I live in hope we can get through this together x*x
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It’s all been said and then some above but I just want to show you some support Penny21. You got me there with the lying in bed crying- I remember those days, though I try not to. Too painful. Too many of them.
See how you are not a lone voice here, those of us who are out- we can relate to that anguish. Those of us still in it are still experiencing it.
Good advice above to start with some reading so you learn the tactics and can become confident that it most certainly is not you…It is all on him. The books recommended are good ones- the Freedom course for survivors uses the Pat Craven book. Just don’t feel you got to tick all the boxes etc for it to count and do bear in mind that there are tactics he uses that you may not even be aware of yet, or that you won’t realise until the relationship ends.
Also, keep reading and connecting with posts on here and sharing when you need to for support.
And yes, when you are ready- reach out to WA for support. Best thing I ever did-highly recommended. Can take time to get through, you can email, use their webchat as well as the helpline. You can also find and contact your local support too using the directory on the Women’s Aid website. Just ask if you need help to find your way to any of this suppport.
Take care
Soulsearcher
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I spent a lot of time sitting on the loo and crying, I could lock the door. One incident I remember being in a hotel after a big incident in the car and I sat on that hotel loo for long time, he never asked me anything about it. Out I came and off we trotted to a friends wedding like nothing had happened. So not normal! You will get there, you wait for the big event to say it’s over. I waited as I felt ready and it didn’t come and I just ended it in the end as I felt ready and able. Keep true to you, you are awesome and you have this x
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I just wanted to say (first ever post) – please don’t doubt yourself trust your inner voice. It’s been a while since I escaped and even tho he inflicted every possible sort of abuse on me and my children. It couldn’t be worse – but the effects of the psychological abuse the gaslighting and manipulation and fear are the hardest. It’s so easy to minimise because there are no scars. So trust in you brave women – whether you stay,leave, have left you are All so brave and your body will tell you the truth. We have escaped police social services IDVA all still working hard to try and keep us safe. Every day is a struggle some days feel impossible but I believe in me now and no matter what happens next he can never ever take that away.
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I am reading this sitting in my bedroom crying for the same reasons, so seeing your post I too know I am not alone. I know posting on a forum isn’t bringing my situation to an end, but it is taking steps to see a little more through the fog and for months I haven’t been able to think straight let alone know what the right next step is to take. I just live in hope right now and I won’t add myself to the list of abuse I am receiving right now by beating myself up anymore, so for now it’s small steps and hearing others stories.
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