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A few weeks ago I decided that I’d take my husband at his word when he said he was leaving because he was so miserable. It was like something snapped and I just thought no more. At first, I think he expected me to get worn down and just let it go. Like I’ve done loads if times before, for a quiet life. But now I’ve started talking about buying him out of the house (have a guess which one of us has a job…) he’s realised it might be for real and now he’s coming at me. He thinks I’ve turned the kids against him…never mind all the years of him telling them that whatever they do is never good enough or how he’s been a great dad but I’ve held him back with my c**p parenting. He tells me he is leaving to go stay with his parents who live far away and he will never see the kids again. He isn’t well and I’m selfish for abandoning him at this point. It’s never his fault he can’t find a job and absolutely never his fault he can’t keep a job because he can’t keep his mouth shut. He’s always right, they are always c**p managers. He’s treated me so bad, the awful things he has said to me. The aggressive side negative behaviour. The complete lack of responsibility. The never end blaming of me. The silent treatment and the occasional physical violence – a punch on the arm, being held down and threatened with a punch, being grabbed around the neck. Yet, he is blaming me for wanting to split up?? I’m fuming and I want to scream about ut all but I have to hold it all in so he doesn’t get to call me crazy or over emotional. God I want him yo leave so bad and I just don’t know how I can hold it all together while he re-writes the story enough to be brave enough to leave.
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Sending you a massive hug as I was here not too long ago. Like you something in me just snapped, it wasn’t even a big episode that ended things, just the straw that broke the camel’s back I guess.
My ex initially thought I was just being stubborn and would ‘come round’, then when he realised that wouldn’t work cue nastiness and threats – like you I was told I’m an awful mum he’s the best parent ever etc etc. Next stage, when that didn’t work was that he simply tried to ignore anything had happened and tried to act like we were still a couple, after many months of this I told him I’d found a new home which was swiftly followed by more nastiness, excuses about money & health and finally sulking and cold shoulder. Basically he’ll try all tactics to try to get you compliant again.
As hard and as horrible as this period is, stay strong and plough on with leaving. Keep reminding him although stay safe as he’ll be nasty. I found my mind went into overdrive for several weeks, trying to sort me & kids, then almost micro analysing the whole relationship and seeing it through new eyes which was tiring, but it did end.
No matter what you do or say he has to be the victim, so don’t waste your energy on defending that, people who love you and deserve you will stick by you, let the others disappear with his lies. Continue keeping a log or starting one, it’ll help you on those days you wobble. Good luck, the end is in sight xx
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Thank you Bananaboat – this is exactly what I needed after another talking to this morning at (detail removed by moderator)! He cant understand why I’ve just decided that we should separate…despite the years of telling me constantly how everything I do, every decision I’ve made is stupid, wrong etc. He hates everything about our life but now I’ve decided I don’t want to just keep putting up with it he’s decided I’m selfish and anything else he can think of. He doesn’t want to leave because its like I’ve won. He did that typical thing of telling me his version of our life and when I responded and accused me if shouting and making the kids thing he was having a go at me. Its so frustrating that I can’t say all the things I want to. I’m so desperate for him to leave
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I so absolutely tired of not having a voice. Yet I have to sit for hours while he re-writes our entire history with me as the villain and him as the victim. If I object or correct him, I’m engaging and he’s got me where he wants me. He cannot take any responsibility for any decisions that were made during our relationship. Everything is all me and of course, it’s all wrong. He wouldn’t be so miserable if I had only done [insert anything you can think of!!] He treats our son like he is a constant disappointment and our daughter like a counsellor. I absolutely know that him leaving is the right thing for us all but how can I convince him or make him go? I’m worried that he’ll stay just to pass me off and I don’t know how I can make him leave? I’m currently paying the mortgage as the house is in both our names. I know that he is a mess and he acts our this way because of his own issues so I feel sorry for him but he isn’t helping himself at all and I just don’t want to have to walk on egg shells my whole life
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He is a grown adult responsible for himself, you are not responsible for him even though he will be making you feel responsible for him and his wants. He is an abuser, he has treated you so very badly yet will take no responsibility (non of these men do, they all blame everyone else).
In a healthy relationship you can leave without any abuse, yes each party involved may hurt but it is what it is… with an abuser they won’t let you leave or separate without bringing you down with them or taking as much as they can.As the property is in both your names and he is the abuser can you apply for a non molestation and residence order? I believe you can apply for these yourself for free… another member has a link for this… he will not go otherwise. My abusive husband of decades wouldn’t leave, I had to make him and that took 3 attempts, like you I also knew that I had had enough, I didn’t want him in my life anymore.. he also acted the victim, said he wanted to die, acted depressed… then because I stuck with my decision the change in him! It was not good….
Do not trust a word he says to you, now he knows you want to separate he will try all sorts to to keep himself there, he only cares about his feelings not you or your children will comes first only his wants.
This is a hard stage but keep pushing forward safely to get your freedom and abuse free life, you can do it and are already on the path.
Massive hugs and strength to you ❤ keep posting
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Thank you so much for the support. He’s just been at me (detail removed by moderator) knowing I have to get up for work but he HAS to make sure I know how upset he is after I’ve treated him so badly. He just stands there spouting a stream of rubbish. He’s rewritten the past to suit the story he wants to hear. He sees me as the winner if he leaves – it’s not a competition to me. I just want me and my kids to be happier and I know we will be and he knows it too and he hates it. He acts like the bad guy but he doesn’t want people thinking he is the bad guy.
He said (detail removed by moderator)
He asked me (detail removed by moderator) And I’m just thinking what is the point to this???
He really believes that he is the victim in all of this. He thinks the kids hate him (detail removed by moderator) It’s all rubbish. He lectures then for hours and never listens. He makes them feel inadequate and a disappointment to him. Nothing they do is ever right or good enough.
I’m going to investigate the options if I need help to get him out. It may come up that.
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