I don’t know how to leave him

[Cherry]

I’ve never posted on here before, but don’t know where to go for help.

I’ve been with my partner for (detail removed by moderator). We don’t live together, I’ve got 2 children from a previous relationship.

When we first started seeing each other he was nice. Then after a few months he changed. He would accuse me of cheating on him with anyone I spoke to. I had a lot of Male friends so I stopped contact with them thinking he would stop accusing me. He would ignore me for days then say he didn’t want to be together. Then contact me, apologies and we would get back together. Thinking back I wish I never took him back the first time, but I’d really fallen for him. I was a single parent and felt like nobody else would want me.

Then the name calling started, pointing out flaws on my body. He knew that I had suffered from a eating disorder as a teenager. That really knocked my confidence. But he said he’s only saying these things because he loves me and wants me to make myself super sexy and stop dressing like a mum.

Things would be ok again for a bit. Then I got a new job, of course I got accused of having an affair with multiple colleagues. He’d say when he finds out who it is he would ruin our careers then kill us both and my children. He’s held me against his balcony and asked me if I think I’d die if I fell off.

I was so ready to leave him at this point. I took my things from his flat. But he’s started being nice again. I feel on edge because I’m just waiting for him to change. I feel stupid because I know his niceness isn’t going to last. But I can’t bring myself to tell him how I feel.

I just don’t know what to do anymore, I’m spending most of my time worrying about what will happen, I don’t know if he’ll take it well or go on to destroy everything I’ve worked so hard for.

[Confused123]

hey hun

this man sounds dangerous, get out now and get yourself support, make a plan of safety so u do it safely, if u have your own place to go to i would take your kids and go there. Men like that up the violence and break u in process, ive been with one and it took me forever to escape, so when i see ladies post this is how men treat them, it just remnind me of the trap i was in . this mr nice is just a pretend act so u get confused and dont leave, better to be single then tarp in abusive realtionship. he has picked on your weak points and using them at his advantage, slowly he will make u leave your job so your dependant on him, your in a better sitaution as the kids are not his

[Flowerchild]

Hello, Cherry. Please don’t waste any of your precious time and energy wondering how to tell him you’re leaving, or how you’ll justify it to him. You don’t owe him any explanation and you don’t have to give him notice. He doesn’t own you. You aren’t married or even living together, are you, and he’s not the father of your children. Unlike many of us, you are ending a relationship with a man who has literally no reason and no right to be in contact with you again! Now of course he won’t see it that way and he has uttered clear death threats against, so you will need help to make sure he doesn’t try to force you to speak to him or try to threaten or harm you. The helpline is a good start, or the police on the non-emergency number, or your local women’s aid group (look online). As for actually leaving him, I suggest you don’t tell him in advance; just plan it and do it. Anything important you have at his place you could smuggle out: if he has stuff at yours, bag it up and see if there’s a way to smuggle that into his place or get a friend to dump it on his doorstep. The police might even agree to have it and tell him where it is. You could text him that you’re finished with him or write a note to leave where he’ll find it (photograph it so you have a record). Before you go, please make sure the local police know he’s abused and threatened you. If he has a key to your place, it’s smart not to ask for it back – you can just change the locks or the barrels. You’d need to tell your landlord if you’re renting. Then you could block him from your phone and social media and he’d be on the way to being out of your life. If you do all this, have 999 on speed dial in case he shows up. If the police know he’s threatened you before, they should be quick to respond. I don’t doubt that he’d fuss and clamour and try to reel you back in: he did it before successfully! But that time you were kind and forgiving and listened to him, so he wormed his way back in. You don’t have to listen this time, though, do you? That’s what all the blocking beforehand is about. This time it’s about being kind and forgiving to yourself and your children, I think. If he manages to get through via a friend or on a different phone, you still don’t have to engage – you can just hang up or block that route, too. If he threatens you, tell the police. Don’t threaten to: just do it. A word of warning from them might stop him in his tracks. If not, he will find there are consequences to pestering you. Oh, and Cherry? If you text or write finishing with him, be clear and brief: you don’t have anything to explain or apologize for and if you list his all bad behaviour he’ll only want to argue and defend himself, won’t he? He may well think you’ve found someone new – he sounds the irrationally jealous type – but please don’t get drawn into denying it or defending yourself. It won’t matter what he thinks any more, after all. Good luck, be organised, recruit help and stay safe, lovely.

[Twisted Sister]

Totally agree, no need for explanations, more important to be gone safely.

I recognise that ‘frozen’ state and it kept me locked in for years. The fear is so hard to break out of, but I think because of your acting now and especially being able to post here not it something is changing for you.

Be sure that where you go is protected, by telling the police on 101 where you plan to get away to andto put a marker on your phone and address, he has made death threats, and they should know as it will inform their range of possible actions.

Stealth and support are your allies. Look out for you and your children.

You really are worth so much more no matter you don’t feel that right now, you are. Single mum is not easy and I have huge respect for any raisib kids alone, its not something to put yourself or others down for. It’s hard especially with an abuser, takes huge strength.

Stay strong, warmest wishes ts

[Lisa]

Hi Cherry,

Welcome to the forum I hope you find it a supportive place to be.

As others have mentioned, you don’t owe him an explanation. The most important thing is your safety and if he knows you want to leave, the abuse may escalate. Men like this don’t like losing control and he will never change.

If you want to talk this through you can call the National Domestic Violence Helpline on 0808 2000 247. Calls are answered by trained female support workers and helpline is open 24/7.

Take care and keep posting

Best Wishes,

Lisa

[Anabela]

Hello. I felt i have to write a comment because I’ve been there many times myself. Accused of cheating, death threatening, swearing to myself to leave him for good if I survive and falling for the nice him stage. Until i left for good.
He will not change. And there is nothing you can change in yourself to make him be nice. It is his problem.
I found a book “why does he do that” really helpful. Every time i felt hope maybe this time he can change, i read it and it would bring me back to reality. Evety time i felt like i failed that relationship is not working, it would remind me it is not my fault.
You were given some really good practical advise. The only thing i want to emphasize: dont tell him you are leaving him face to face. Dont underestimate his temper and likelihood for violence. That was a mistake i made.
Right now i am single. And i am so happy to be single. Believe me, it is such a good feelung to be out of that vicious cycle and constant worrying about your partner, explaining yourself and tip toeing around him.
I did it, you can do it too.
Hugs xx

[feelingnumb]

I feel stuck in the same situation as you. I have no ties with him, I have two children from a previous relationship, yet I struggle to get him out my life. The only tie I have is we work together, not side by side together every day but we work in the same place, same colleagues. Today was a really bad day. I did what I always do, cave in and forgive any abusive behaviour that he has been displaying. Which then opens him up to horrible messages and accusing me of cheating on him. I can’t do anything now without him thinking I’m at it with someone else! If I’m on Facebook I’m talking to someone else, if I haven’t been on messenger it’s cause I have a man in my house keeping me occupied! So today I have been fighting back the tears because I have already been off sick from my work due to my mental health and I can’t afford to be off anymore. I cried and cried as I left work today. Getting the messages from him saying how I’ve treated him like s**t and he deserves better than the way I’m treating him
Cause he isn’t important to me apparently and I only squeeze him in when I’ve got nothing else to do. All I do in my spare time is spend it with him. We have now gone from the horrible accusation messages, calling me a liar, to calm messages with kisses on them. He said today that he was going to go away on holiday himself, it made me feel horrible the thought of him going away and maybe being with someone else. But then I feel ill too at all this behaviour he is putting me through. Making me totally doubt myself and think what if he’s right what if I have been treating him like s**t?? I have an appointment with my doctor soon and I’m going to beg to be referred to a psychologist cause I can’t go on like this anymore. I know I need to get him out my life to move on, I’m just really struggling the now to do this. I hope we both find the strength to move on and leave for good! Sending you lots of hugs and positive energy xx

[Cherry]

Thanks for all your advice, I’ve not spoken to him for a few weeks now. I’ve told a few work colleagues what’s been happening because all I seem to do is cry at work recently. He’s been texting me, emailing and even sent me a birthday card. Some messages are nice, saying he misses me, loves me, wants to talk to me and he only wants to make me happy. He can’t imagine a future without me. Then when I’ve not responded he’s called me a coward, I shouldn’t be doing the job I’m doing if I can’t even face him and tell him the truth. He’s now saying the truth will come out and he will find out who I’ve left him for (I haven’t left him for anyone, I just don’t want to be with him). He also says he can’t think of anything he’s done wrong or that could upset me. The last thing he said to me when I last saw him was “are you sure your going to work and not to see your fancy man” He text me at work, it wasn’t a practical time to text him back, then he sent another text asking why I was ignoring him, is it because I’m with someone else.

I just want him to leave me alone. I understand he wants his clothes back that are at mine. But I can’t bring myself to reply to him in case he worms himself back in and makes me apologise for leaving him again.

I’m tired of wasting my time and energy crying, getting upset, not sleeping because of him. My daughter keeps asking me what’s the matter and getting me tissues, which is lovely. But I don’t want my children to see me like this.

Sorry, it’s turned into a bit of a rant. I’m just fed up of it all right now.

[Anabela]

Hey. What a rollecoaster of emotions. Its incredibly hard to have to read all of his texts when you are trying to move on. Well done for staying strong and not responding to him.
Can you leave his stuff somewhere else so that he would not have to collect it from you? My advice from my own experience is go total no contact. Change your number so that he could not text you anymore. Change other contact details. I found it really inconvenient to change my email address and kept postponing it but only once i did that i started to move on with my life. Any contact from him even if you dont reply keeps reminding you of him and not surprisingly makes you emotional.
So many times i was not able to concentrate at work or was in tears because of him. Not nice. But that is only a temporary stage.
Hugs xx

[Author]

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