I don’t know if it’s abuse

[Tabledancer]

Hi,

Thanks for allowing me to join this space. This is all new to me and I am new so hi to you all 🙂

I am not suffering physical abuse I am unsure if what I am receiving is mental abuse. My GP and mental health team have raised concern and now I am scared of what’s to come with the social work. I will admit my husband is. Little controlling but he’s always been like that and I’ve been with him (detail removed by moderator).

The problems I have is is really comments about the way I dress, the way I look, pressure into having sex, telling me what to do with my money, checking up on me all the time and recently I had to (detail removed by moderator), well I didn’t have to but I done it and he laughed.

I am very confused and don’t know what to do.

Sorry for the long post, thanks for reading.

[KIP.]

Hello and welcome. Yes sadly everything you describe is abuse
I’ve behaviour. Read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. He’s always been controlling but that doesn’t make it all right. Your GP and mental health team have your best interests at heart which is more than he does. Are there children involved? When we are in an abusive relationship we minimise the abuse as a way to cope and abuse always gets worse. I judge behaviour on what I would do and i would never withhold medication until someone did something for me. He sounds horrible, abusive, cruel and selfish. Start to keep a secret diary of his behaviour and contact your local women’s aid or ring the national domestic abuse helpline x

[Tabledancer]

I just feel so guilty for bad mouthing him and I am wondering if it’s maybe just be being over dramatic? I do know though that some of the comments are horrible and when someone makes fun of your looks regularly it gets you down. He told me I’ve let myself go with the way I dress and my hair, he prefers it long and says a real woman has hair down to their breasts, mine is just shoulder length after I got it cut. I know even writing that down actually sounds pretty bad. I just can’t help this horrible gut feeling that it’s me who has the problem? Yeah I have a (detail removed by moderator) yr old.

Thank you for responding x

[ladiesand gentlemen]

Its not you its HIM.
This behaviour is defiantly abuse and it will, I’m afraid get worse.it starts off quite subtlety and by the end you doubt your whole self, mentally this is very dangerous, he sounds cruel and controlling !!!
From my own experience, PLEASE consider the hard decision to leave him before anymore damage is done to your mind( I ended up with a complete mental breakdown)and various serious physical conditions, totally ruined my life, taken me years and years to get anywhere near my normal(pre him) self.
Its the drip drip nature of abuse, then over time you get lost in it all !!!!
The physical control over your hair clothes etc is part of a much bigger problem with HIM !!!!
Sad to say this is ALL classic abuse. He will get worse, the weaker you feel, the more control he has.
You have made a VERY brave step already, keep reaching out and seek advice, tell relatives/friends you trust, for YOU and you child.
That gut feeling is your subconscious telling you to get away, And its DEFINATLY him not you.
They break us down SO far, stay strong, everyone is behind you, the ladies on here have heard it all.
Take is easy on yourself xxxx

[Tabledancer]

I feel so sick to the stomach I don’t even think he realises he does it and it’s mostly just for a laugh but I do know deep down it’s not right but I’ve been with him for over (detail removed by moderator) and I don’t think it’s gotten any worse it’s just normal. I have a lot of thinking to do.

Thank you for the responses x

[Emptybutfree]

Hi lovely,

I will say it quite simply – you’re being abused.

1. You are not the problem
2. This is not your fault
3. He does not say these thing as a ‘laugh’
4. You are not dramatic
5. You are not bad mouthing him – you’re speaking the truth about his behaviour.

I am still healing from years of metal, emotional and physical abuse, this is very raw for me also. When I first joined this amazing group, I questioned myself as to whether I was the problem, maybe I was too sensitive? Maybe he was right and I was wrong? Maybe he didn’t mean it?…… no, no, no, no, no.

If I said to you… ‘I got so used to being pulled about by my hair that I just got used to it’ what would you say to me?

If I said to you… ‘I got so used to being called useless that i got used to it’ what would you say to me?

If I said to you… ‘my partner says I’m not dressing myself in the ways he thinks is appropriate’ what would you say to me?

It doesn’t matter if it’s been 2 months or 20 years, this is abuse, and unfortunately, it has become part of your day to day life so you have become numb to it. – this is not ok.

It is a steady tapping in to your mind that has clearly worked, I’m guessing you don’t feel very good about yourself? That you look at him and feel as though you’re not good enough for him? That he’s superior in some way?

These men know exactly what they’re doing, this is why I’m asking you to see if from my point of view.

Imagine you were having the same conversation with a close friend or family member, what advice would you give to those people?

The fact that you are on here, actively blaming yourself for another persons vile and abusive ways towards you shows that it isn’t you.

You don’t deserve this and you never have.

Please do not settle for any less than you’re worth and I can tell by even reading your posts that you’re a very kind and loving soul. You’re worth a million – I hope you see that.

Sending big hugs xx

[Tabledancer]

Wow your reply is pretty powerful thank you, I totally see what you are saying and you are right if I was looking in I would say something similar as to what you have said. Yeah the fact I’m on here says a thousand words I guess it’s fair to say I think I am in denial and finding this very hard to admit and accept.

I just keep reading all these replies and it is slowing hitting me that what I am going through is real it’s not in my head. It’s really hard.

Do you think if I sat down with him and told him exactly how he made me feel then it would stop?

I am so sorry to hear that you are still hurting and wish you well x*x

[Anonymous]

Hi Tabledancer,

He is abusing you. Definitely classic abuse. Their tactics are eerily similar. It’s like they went to ‘How to control your partner school’ together.
I’m really sorry you are experiencing this.
I just want to repeat that this is not your fault. Abusers have a way of making us think we are at fault, or even deserving of how they treat us. This is their opinion about the situation. But it’s wrong.
The book ‘How he gets into her head’ by Don Hennessy is really eye opening.
Thank you for posting here, and trusting us.
I hope you find the support you need.
Don Hennessy explains how abusive men make their partners think like them. They’ll excuse the abuse the same way. I am out of the relationship and still struggle with doubt. But your body knows the trauma. He is controlling you and breaking you down without being physically abusive. The mental and emotional abuse will harm your physical health over time as posted above.
Please keep reaching out. We are here for you.
Xx

[Emptybutfree]

When we do come to terms with the fact we’re being abused, we look in to and over think EVERYTHING… but everything you’re feeling is correct. We have our logical thoughts in our brain and our unlogical thoughts in our heart… when it comes to abuse, you need to stay and stay as logical as possible!

In my experience, confronting an abuser doesn’t work, in fact, it makes it a little more dangerous as they don’t like losing control.

This is the difference between an abusive and a none abusive person – you are already thinking of reasoning with him… it will NOT work! You can never ever reason with an abusive person.

It’s a little hard to hear and it’s something I’ve struggled to get my head around and that is… he knows exactly what he is doing! As much as you like to think he doesn’t, he does.

You’re a brave lady, sending love and support your way xx

[Tabledancer]

Thank you xx

[Anonymous]

I couldn’t edit my post. And I wanted to add more.

He knows how his actions make you feel. And telling him can make it worse. He definitely won’t stop. He might apologise and act nicely for a while to mess with your head or keep you locked in the relationship. The problem is his mindset, and telling him how he makes you feel won’t change it.

[KIP.]

Google the cycle of abuse. The power and control wheel, and talk to the domestic abuse helpline x it’s not you. It’s him and he chooses to abuse you and I bet he chooses to do so when there are no witnesses. His behaviour destroys your self esteem and confidence and when you destroy confidence it makes it easier to dominate.

[Author]

Posts