7th June 2016 at 9:33 pm #18727
to say its been a bad day is understatement, today boys had an argument, after getting on so well for weeks and everyone praising how much progress I made, today I embrassed myself and tried to killmyself. w*f … I did everything from trying to slash my arms, tying a cord around myself , throwing oil ion myself and ready to torchmmyself… I feel so embrassed I reacted this way , today I felt like how ex made me feel ,no matter how hard I try is just waste of time, eldest was like not bothered dad made same threats and is still alive, did try to stop me but left me with youngest to console me. just feel like sh*t and why cause I cant control my kids. Looking at my arms slashed…. feel such a failure … f (detail removed by moderator) months of been strong and this what it boils down to me being a f mum and disappointment for kids, don’t know who I thought I was trying tobe , so MS strong and I can cope …yeah right
7th June 2016 at 10:29 pm #18731Falling SkysParticipant
Hi and hugs com vs
I have felt low today my self not knowing when it will all end.
After years of being made to feel useless and everything’s our fault, a black cloud of dispare does come down. But we can not control others actions or feelings they need take responsibility for their actions.
We need to think that every thing negative is caused by us.
You are a great and a wonderful woman. Be kind to yourself you have so much to offer.
Hugs and stay strong
7th June 2016 at 10:33 pm #18732
so just sitting in my room crying, looking at my slashed arms, gosh haven’t cried for ages and felt this s**t in ages, youngest has gone to sleep now asking me to promise I wont hurt myself , which I promised, eldest is having a f*g outside and just making my water bill go rocket high ny keeping the water running in the bath, just don’t know what to say or do, something in me has just died again, I hate feeling this low, this isn’t mme reacting like this… what a stupid argument it was, eldest played on youngest ps4 , cause I stop him he took youngest school books and said would rip up , youngest flip totally, eldest wouldn’t listen , no one would listen to me, it was heart breaking watching youngest have melt down and I don’t blame him as was his gcse books with all his work in, youngest blamed me for making wrong choices with eldest, I couldn’t control eldest either and in the end taking my life just seemed right thing, NOw I just feel a disappointment for letting mykids see me in that state, what example am I setting ….
7th June 2016 at 10:42 pm #18733Peaceful PigParticipant
Hi confused, I’m so sorry you have felt so terrible today. Being as strong as you have been for so long is incredibly tough, it is no surprise at all that for once you felt unable to cope and you don’t need to feel ashamed of this. The shame belongs squarely with the person that led you to feel this way and has had such a negative effect on the whole family. We try so hard to make up for what has happened and for the anti-parenting of our ex’s that we pile too much pressure on ourselves than is humanly possible. We get physically and emotionally exhausted and we get triggered. I had a relapse last week and self-harmed again. I truly hope you can practice some self-care now and let yourself recover. It’s just a blip and takes nothing away from the strong, capable woman and mother that you are. Sending hugs x*x
7th June 2016 at 10:54 pm #18734Peaceful PigParticipant
Tomorrow is a new day and these feelings will pass. Kids will naturally take advantage when they sense us feeling low – I know mine do. And I find it really triggering because it feels unkind and manipulative, reminding me of my ex. Just when you feel least able to be strict about rules and boundaries is when you need them the most I have found. Tomorrow you can apologise, take responsibility and reset the boundaries nice and firmly so they know you’re back in control xx
7th June 2016 at 11:02 pm #18735
yeah maybe, I just feel defeated, thx u both for your kind words, no doubt as expected my arm is just killing me in pain, I just am so annoyed at myself how I reacted , things just all piled up on top and I don’t know how, I was supposed to be going out on Friday night for the first time in (detail removed by moderator)months , ihad planned it two weeks ago, and since last week with all the stress ive had, I ve got constipation and bloat out when I get over stressed , I just wanted time out his Friday and to look nice, I feel fat cause of the bloatness, tired out from stress and now I have slashed arms too,….think I’m gonna call my support worker tommrow and at this parenting class tommrow, this is goingn to be so embrassing as I was like the strongest parent there and they had just praised me for the past few weeks at my progress, yeah can apologise to my youngest but to be honest I don’t know what to say to both kids, yeah mum had a enough, this still isnt acceptable how I behaved . cant be asked to study or nothing , just want to sleep but everytime I close my eyes I just cry when I think of what I did
7th June 2016 at 11:07 pm #18737
just gonna keep postin on here I think, I feel like a failure and damaged, gosh is this what he idiots do to us, and to think he talks reasonable with me too now, this is the ex by the way, says he wants to be friends cause we got kids, I still keep it bare minimum, keep thinking of what he said to me on weekend, if u ever feel low u can call me, as if I would …..what is it about guys that when we upset we just want a hug from males. I swear if I had some money I would just get a bottle and get drunk tonight, how much bad luck is that I don’t even have no money to go and buy a bottle, no choclate, no f**s, ultimate wind up to feeling more sh*t
7th June 2016 at 11:19 pm #18739StarmoonParticipant
These men are so evil so horrible! You’ve been so strong for so long… And you are still very very strong!! We all have set backs. I think it’s natural that there is going to be things that trigger you back to feeling how he made you feel so please don’t beat yourself up for how you reacted. Please be kind to yourself.
What all of us have been threw on here, the fact we are here still just proves how strong we are. If anyone had been threw what we had… They wouldn’t manage any better or differently.
Keep posting on here… Write all the negative things on here rather than bottle them up. And then I’m sure we will all try to cumfort you in some small way and reassure you that your negative thoughts are just him speaking. Are he is not speaking the truth.
7th June 2016 at 11:44 pm #18742
his not even saying nothing bad to me, I just don’t know why I couldn’t hack not been able to control kids and reacted in bad way that I wanted to end my life, could of really dangerously hurt myself tonight and that’s whats shocked me , I don’t get what happened that I felt I couldn’t cope. excuse my swearing but for f sake my son had to say to me its ok if everything getting on top of u, we here for u too, I’m supposed to be there for them , they only have me, and my arm is realling p****** me off cause it hurts, I just fee3l like a overweight potato tonight and am dreading what I will look like on Friday in my fitted dress, omg what if kids end up arguing and hurting themselves while I’m out and no no one can come over to help me 4 fri has as they cant cope with my teenagers, I’m having panic attack b 4 fri has even arrived, I just want a night out with adult company
8th June 2016 at 12:18 am #18744StarmoonParticipant
Have you got any mindfulness apps on your phone? Mite sound stupid but they can really help. They really help me when my head is spinning out of control.
There was more than likely a trigger or a subconscious reminder of some sort that made you lose yourself for that time. And saying it is him that is speaking the negative things, I mean he filled your head with making you believe you couldn’t cope for so long that his voice is still in there.
I’ve done things I’m so ashamed of during times I’ve been triggered into an anxiety fueled frenzy.
Children (teenagers too) often behave much better for other people than they do their parents so please try not to stress too much if you’re going out. You deserve some time to unwind.
Self harm is a way of releasing pent up frustration, emotional pain or anxiety. I have melt downs and often can’t identify the reason why until afterwards. X
8th June 2016 at 6:31 am #18750Falling SkysParticipant
I hope to day is a better one for you xx
Sometimes I think we punish ourselves more than our abuser did. I don’t know if this will help you but when things are from I try to focus on a a positive moment which isn’t always easy I know. It can be the way the sun breaks through the cloud, a kind word with a friend or not losing it. I am over the years become one hell of an actress face on etc sometimes I look like this happy no care in the world person when I am a wreck inside but I have found that this stronger me is what I’m turning into.
It’s not easy I just won’t you to become the woman you deserve to be. We all feel your pain.
Also is there any help locally to get you through this time?
Good luck with today.
8th June 2016 at 11:24 am #18770godschildParticipant
Its horrible to feel this way, sending a hug. Ive done things to hurt myself over the years, I have cut my long hair short twice as i could not take what he was doing anymore, ive hurt my arms and legs by scratching them so hard, its when you feel no outlet and the emotions get too much to bear, dont blame yourself, its them that do it to us, there are so many emotions inside, take care xxxxx
8th June 2016 at 12:47 pm #18777AnonymousInactive
I am so sorry that you are feeling so low and I like you at times get overwhelmed and have come very close to the edge of wanting out. You are not a failure, you are not a bad mum , you are a mum that has had to deal with some very difficult times and is now struggling to cope. If you have a sympathetic GP I would speak to them and explain how you are feeling you really sound like you are needing something to help you get out of this dark place that you have found yourself. I find it helps to say to yourself when you are feeling this low that it will not last forever. Any actions you are going to take put off for a certain length of time and mostly that desperate feeling passes and it may still be there but it wont be so intense. Take a walk, distract yourself, scream into a pillow, phone the samaritans but most of all try and remember that none of this is your fault. Sending you hugs xx
8th June 2016 at 8:11 pm #18797LisaMain Moderator
I just wanted to drop you a little line to show you some support. Please don’t be too hard on yourself. You are a lovely person and a great mum. It is human to mistakes and c***k under pressure. Please see this as a reminder to get some help and support from your GP and your local Women’s Aid group.
We are all here for you so please keep posting and be kind to yourself.
8th June 2016 at 10:10 pm #18805
Thank you for all your lovely messages of support, they mean so much to me and really help me to try and stay positive. Today has been a mixture of tears, which to be honest just to be able to cry is like a release of frustration as mnay of u know I struggle to cry , so in that sense I am happy as I so desperately needed to cry. Again have been crying to differnet agencies and trying to get support for myself, I spoke to my support worker who was shocked since I had been doing so well but encouraged me to seek further help for myself, have been to the parenting group who encouraged me to work with my son support worker and update them, called police for support in eve as well my son just thinks he can abuses the youngest, hopefulylhe has got message he cant ,but as always everyday is a challenge and am taking each day as it comes. Had little talks with myself today that sucide and self harming is not solution and am trying to actively look into ways to making myself stronger . GAve youngest loads of reassuarance today that would be here for him and just told him truth I don’t know why I felt so low, had nonaswer when he said I was so worried u might hurt yourself further in night and proud u didn’t, just said my behaviour was unacceptable and wrong but I am getting support so I wont out myself in that scenario again, spoke to eldest too who as always just found amusing and didn’t take seriously.
So again thank u ladiesa, u df=ont realize how valuable your support is
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