30th April 2016 at 10:31 pm #15949
Sorry I haven’t posted, I have been really struggling with all that has happened.
I go from feeling so sad vanurable and scared to so angry with him that he did what he did and angry that he killed himself. Then I feel numb.
I have still hardly eaten, sill hardly left my room. I ended up in hospital a few days ago, (detail removed by Moderator) they are arranging for a cpn to visit me at home.
I don’t know how to deal with this, I can’t do it.
30th April 2016 at 11:10 pm #15951Eve1Participant
You don’t need to apologise. We all understand at least some of what your going through and want to support you.
How could you know how to deal with this? Nobody would. The cpn will have some advice for you though, I’m sure.
You will be strong again.
Other ladies will be along with more support.
So glad to hear from you again.
30th April 2016 at 11:54 pm #15956
So so good to hear from prisoner, Im sure I speak for many in saying we have been very concerned about you. Its little wonder you have so many mixed emotions, you were already coping with what he had done to you which was hard enough and trying to recover physically and emotionally without the added torrent of emotions you must be going through now.
You were so brave in calling the ambulance, you have gone through so much , it will take time and a lot of support but you will rebuild your life again.
Take care, we are here for you xx
1st May 2016 at 8:33 am #15964Falling SkysParticipant
Hi and hugs xx
So pleased you posted as I have been thinking of you.
You had so much to deal with, coming to terms with him abusing you, getting out and saying enough is enough.
Then he did the ultimate by committing suicide. So you now have all that to deal with on top.
Take all the support you can to get through this you’re a wonderful woman.
Don’t ever blame yourself this is all him.
1st May 2016 at 9:47 am #15967
It sounds as if you’re feeling very normal emotions about what happened. You’ll swing from anger and hate to feeling sorry and blaming ypurself but that’s normal.
You deserve support with what’d happened to you. I’m glad a cpn is coming to see you. I can’t even begin to imagine what it’s like for you but its important to keep focused on you to start understanding what you’ve been through. You can’t get ridof your memories or the things that he did but ypu will one day feel better I promise.
Please eat something – it will help your body heal and help your emotions too x*x
1st May 2016 at 5:17 pm #16013
Whiterose i try to eat but only Manage a couple of mouthfulls, i just cant do it. I have lost argos a stone stone that horrible day i called an ambulence i so wish i hadnt done that. Everything would be ok now.
1st May 2016 at 5:31 pm #16014
Prisoner, have you tried any nutritional drinks or soup to drink that would give you some nourishment.
You had to call the ambulance,look what he had done to you, he may have killed you and things wernt allright with him keeping you a prisoner anyway.
You are blaming yourself and none of it was you fault at all, you needed to go to hospital with the injuries you had.
Its natural that you feel how you do, but its false guilt blaming yourself,you never asked to be abused, you were a victim, if would never ever have been safe to go back to him, you deserve a much better life, bit by bit yo will restore your life, its very very early days yet. take care xx
1st May 2016 at 6:09 pm #16019Confused123Participant
Im glad your getting support from cpn. Please try to eat, even if it is a little bit, take vitamins to keep your strength up, this is a very emotional time for you and thats all to be expected, you keep saying u wish u had never calleed the ambulance that day, its good u didd , u needed medical help too, lets just say worst scenario u never called the ambulance in the bad state u was in , then what , ? He would of continued hurting u further and maybe it would of being u that had died from his hands. That would nt of been good. You have to stop blaming yourself , he chose to behave that way, he had no right to hurt u that way. When we live with abusers, to survive we tell oursselves its not that bad, its ok, think if he did what he did to a stranger in public would u of said oh thats ok , not that bad…. no u wouldnt, so why is it ok for him to do that to u? its not, and this is what we have to realize what happend to us was so wrong , eat to keep your strength up yourself
1st May 2016 at 6:59 pm #16023
I feel awful I haven’t claimed his body registered his death, or made arrangements for his funeral. I can’t face it. I don’t want nothing to do with it. I have no idea how long I have what happens if I do nothing. I don’t know.
1st May 2016 at 8:17 pm #16030
You don’t need to feel awful, you are very unwell due to what he did to you, you don’t have to do anything at all if you dont want to.
Have you heard from his brothers maybe they will do the necessary things if you say you relinquish it all to them.
Someone should be taking this all off you, have the police been in contact since they came to tell you.
You have so so much to deal with emotionally, you need all these practical things taken away.
I have little experience in these things but often I think there has to be an inquest when its suicide, someone should have told you what is happening. xx
1st May 2016 at 8:49 pm #16036
Prisoner, I just looked don the internet for any info for you, it seems that in the case of suicide the coroner has to hjld an inquest and he will do the death certificate according to his findings, so I don’thimk there is anything you could do at present even if you wanted , just try to look after yourself and not worry about he practicalities xx
2nd May 2016 at 6:52 am #16063
I know it has to go to a postmortem, even though we know he hung himself. My father has told the police they will have to contact his brothers, as I am neither physically or emotionally well enough to deal with it all. He is retired from ‘the job’ and knows many of the officers that have been since i moved back home. So i have just left him to deal with everything. But i still feel guilty that as his wife i should be arrangong his funeral.
2nd May 2016 at 8:33 am #16070
Remember you’re not on your own with this. Your mum and dad are there and your dad’s shown you he’s being a dad and dealing with things. He’ll be glad to do it for you so you don’t have to. Take a bit of time and let yourself be a daughter, let them carry on helping you. It’s not a sign of weakness on your part it’s being human and being lucky you have supportive loving parents.
Promise me you’ll try to eat something a few times today. Little and often. I’m such a nag! xxxx
2nd May 2016 at 9:25 am #16083
I will try. My mum is making my favorite homemade soup,I can smell it cooking. I just don’t feel hungry, I don’t have the energy to eat.
2nd May 2016 at 10:27 am #16085
You don’t have energy because you’re not eating. You’re not hungry because you feel c***! Eating will help.
We have a 4 generation (soon to be 5 as my daughter knows recipe now) “rescue” soup in our family. It’a amazing. so simple and soothing and full of flavour and goodness. I bet your mum’s is the same! Wish I was there to nag you to eat it but tell her from me she’s got my permission to nag away on my behalf. Enjoy it I’m sure it will restore you.
And when you’ve had a cup full have a little bit more and keep going otherwise I’ll just keep on at you and believe me I’m persistent.
Love to you and your mum xxxx
2nd May 2016 at 10:58 am #16087
I think just like white rose that you have no energy partly due to not eating, your body needs fuel to recover from the trauma, with soup you [email protected] even got to chew it, just drink it, once when I was very poorly with phneumonia and had no strength at all, I drank soup through a straw bit by bit.
It sounds like you Dad has things in hand for you , so just let him take over that.
you feel you should be responsible as his wife to arrange things but he didnt treat you like his wife, look at your condition now due to what he did to you,you really don’t owe him anything as a wife, he was not behaving like a husband, he has rendered you incapable both mentally and physically, so dont stress over what you should be doing,let his brothers deal with it all,you are not well enough at all.
Let your parents care for you,let them love you back to health, just rest on them, you have gone through such an ordeal, allow yourself to recover, but do try to eat if only a little to start xx
2nd May 2016 at 6:19 pm #16130
I really don’t understand what is happening to me. I don’t move out of bed don’t talk to anyone hardly say two words to my parents unless I have to. I don’t even bother looking after myself. My mum is running me baths and almost putting me in or I just wouldn’t bother.
Today I have had a small bowl of soup. I only ate a mouthfull, i just didnt want it but my mum sat there and painstakingly feed me the whole bowl. How have i got to the stage where i am having to be fed.
I hate what is happening to me hate what i’m putting my parents through. I hate life
2nd May 2016 at 6:27 pm #16131BooboobeedooParticipant
Prisoner, you are grieving, in shock, getting over trauma and have hatred and love for this man all the same time!! Please go easy on yourself!! Give yourself time please xxxxxx
2nd May 2016 at 7:00 pm #16134KIP.Participant
Hi Prisoner, you are traumatised and it will take a long time for you to think anywhere near clearly enough. It’s really important I think for your family to get in touch with your local women’s aid. They will help explain what you have been through and help with your recovery. You need all the support you can get. Don’t feel guilty about phoning that ambulance. He left you no choice and sooner or later it would have been your funeral someone was arranging. I wish I could fast forward the hell you are in but I promise you things will get easier over time. Thinking of you x let his brothers take over the arrangements and your father deal with them. You need to concentrate on yourself for the time being x don’t rush your recovery. Your brain has so much to sort out, the brain chatter you might get is your brain trying to make sense of the abuse🌺🌺🌺
2nd May 2016 at 8:08 pm #16145
I just feel so useless. I’m a grown women my mum shouldn’t have to be putting me in the bath and feeding me. I should be able to do it myself. I still haven’t even told them he raped me.
2nd May 2016 at 8:11 pm #16147SerenityParticipant
These abusers make us regress to dependent children with their control.
You are being too hard on yourself, Prisoner. You have been through hell. Let your family show their love for you. Sounds like you have the type of family many of us dream of. This will help get you through.
Thinking of you X
2nd May 2016 at 10:55 pm #16167MillionpiecesParticipant
So glad to hear from you.
Big hugs, and remember we al always thinking of you. Hey as much help as you can. Let you self to be help. Let your self to feel all the love they give to you. And will make your parent, and everyone else happy just letting them help you. You don’t have to feel sorry for anything.
2nd May 2016 at 10:57 pm #16168MillionpiecesParticipant
Sorry for the wrong type. I hope you understand what I meant. X
2nd May 2016 at 11:19 pm #16171
Hi prisoner. I’m glad your mum fed you the soup try something more tomorrow.
You say you haven’t told them about the rape. It may be they suspect it? Your mum’s ypur mum so csn probably read you quite well and your dad (if I’ve guessed his old profession) will be able to read people too. They don’t need to know but you may need them to for you. They won’t feel any differently about you if you do tell them.
I hope you’re asleep now. Keep resting and keep healing and keep eating x*x
3rd May 2016 at 12:01 am #16180
Prisoner, let your Mom feed you an get you to the bath, you have been through such trauma and shock, if this were my Daughter I would have no problem in feeding her and helping her bath, your mom wants to care for you and love you back to health, you dont have the strength to eat yourself but you must eat so let her help you, its nothing to feel bad about, you must be in shock at all that has happened, shock can just almost paralyse you. x*x
3rd May 2016 at 12:48 am #16181SaharaDParticipant
You are badly injured. Your mum is only doing what a nurse would do. Try not to beat yourself up psychologically. Things will get better but time is needed to heal. If it’s any consolation I lost a lot of weight after leaving my husband and being in the refuge. I lost all of my appetite.
3rd May 2016 at 12:23 pm #16206
She is force feeding me soup again. I don’t want to eat I’m not hungry. But she still insists on sitting there forcing it down me. I don’t know how to make her understand
3rd May 2016 at 12:40 pm #16208HerindoorsParticipant
Hi Prisoner. I have been following your posts with tears in my eyes with all he has put you through. You said earlier ‘Everything would be ok now’ if you hadn’t called the ambulance. Everything would not be OK, either you would still be suffering at his hands or worse, your parents would be registering your death. No one deserves to die, not even an abuser, but dying was his choice and not something you had any hope of controlling because he was the controller. He controlled everything right to the end.
I understand you not wanting to eat. I suffered a tiny percentage of what you have been through and just lost my appetite for ages. Literally just didn’t feel hungry and its so hard to eat when you feel like that. Maybe try and think about it as medicine, you don’t want it but you know your body needs it. Or ask your mum to bring you really small portions that you might be able to finish, then it won’t look like such as task to you.
Your road to recovery is going to be long and windy but you are already on that road, and we are all here for you. I am full of admiration for your bravery and for rescuing yourself from the nightmare you were in x*x
3rd May 2016 at 12:42 pm #16209
Hi hun, so good to read from you. I send you massive hugs!
Your mother has probably no other way to express her concerns for you. She does what all mothers do to their sick children. What she does is actually good, because she ensures that you get some energy and she makes you have some routine.
I am so glad that you have so much support from your family.
Stay in bed as long as you need to.
You have been through enormous trauma.
Not only what he recently did to you, all the time you suffered from his abuse and his last escapist action collapse like a huge wave over you. No wonder you are so numb and paralyzed. This takes time to get better.
Please do not be hard on yourself. You have been incredibly brave. You will feel better again, take your time. x*x
3rd May 2016 at 12:43 pm #16210
Your Mom is concerned for you need to have some nourishment even if you have no appetite, im sure she understands how you are feeling but knows that you must have something.
Try no to look at it as force feeding try to see that she is desperate to see you getting nourishment, try to cooperate and see it as neccesary.
If you dont eat at all you could. end up in hosiptal with a drip , that would be far worse than being with your Mom doing her best to help you, thats all she is trying to do, to help you recover, try to help her to help you, she is your mom, she fed and nurtured you as a child its her instinct and love to do that when you are in need now.
She only wants what is best for you, do try xxxx
3rd May 2016 at 7:56 pm #16247
I think maybe I am being a little hard on my mum. She is only trying to do what she thinks is right and best for me. I managed to feed my self a little today. But dhe still force fed me some. And made me sit down dtairs for 10 minutes
3rd May 2016 at 8:08 pm #16248
Aww, she really looks after you.
3rd May 2016 at 8:29 pm #16251
Yes she does but I just want to be left alone in bed. I don’t want to eat I don’t want to move.
3rd May 2016 at 8:30 pm #16252
I killed my husband, I don’t deserve her kindness
3rd May 2016 at 9:19 pm #16261
You could not be further from the truth. You have nothing to do with his death. He did that to himself.
Do not forget what he did to you, how he treated you.
You had a horrible life with him.
Nothing what happened is your fault. x*x
4th May 2016 at 4:51 pm #16334
Of course you deserve your Moms kindness, you have not killed him at all. He was torturing you and then badly assaulted you, he may well have killed you if you had not called the ambulance.
Please don’t blame yourself , he chose to do it a he would not face what he had done to you. keep eating a little, accept your Moms love and care, you really deserve to be nurtured and looked after xx
4th May 2016 at 7:22 pm #16349
You are all so kind. I managed to eat a little more today, but my mum still force fed me the rest of the bowl.
She had my dad put her rocking chair in the conservatory and i managed to sit in it for a short while. I feel so guilty.
4th May 2016 at 7:34 pm #16351
That is so good to hear, it is understandable you may feel guilty but it is false guilt, you did not want any of this to happen,he instigated it all and now has left you in such an emotional mess, in time you will see it for how it was and you will feel angry with him for all he did to you and then not facing it all, its no way anything for you to feel guilty about , just take tiny steps to eat and go downstairs for a short while xx
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