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Hi I’m new on here but certainly not new to this experience. I have been abused by an ex in the past at (detail removed by Moderator) until he left me at (detail removed by Moderator) I sought help through womens aid (attended a meeting every week with other survivors) and now I’m (detail removed by Moderator). I’ve been with my current partner for (detail removed by Moderator) and although he is only physical why throwing things, hes never actually touched me. I thought I was so much stronger than I am because I am getting called vile names every single night amongst other things. At the time I’m so upset and annoyed he can speak to me like he does then I wake up and am expected to forget about it, so I do. My family think hes lovely and once I left him (detail removed by Moderator) ago and they were the ones who convinced me to get back with him. On reflection now he stalked me and my family until they felt sorry for him. I try to hell him in every way possible but every night when he comes home from work, he starts drinking and that’s it, from name calling to belittling and being aggressive. It’s like I cant even have my own opinion, I try to help with his own issues and he does have a history of an injunction from his ex, but i also know what shes like so I’ve always felt they’re as bad as each other. Recently it’s been really getting me down, and I cant seem to level with him at all, unless I just accept the verbal abuse, which I really struggle to do. I’m struggling because I have mo idea what this is. It’s easy to judge him and think its abuse but I dont know if this is normal?! Is this how a relationship is? I keep thinking to myself (as he keeps reminding me) that he isnt physical like my ex, and he taunts me about the abuse I suffered in the past rather than supporting me, but he could be right. I know about perpetrators but the line feels so blurred right now. I dont know if this is what a relationship is like. At least with my ex I always knew where I stood and that was basically on the floor, but with him, I’m afraid of what hes going to say to me. He calls me lazy, fat, ugly, s**g, c**t, b**ch, just to name a few but it’s always my fault and I’m always the one who drives him to it. He honestly believes he is the victim and I cant disagree sometimes because he has had a hard life. Gosh I dont know, I just need to know if this is normal please.
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It’s absolutely one hundred percent abusive behaviour and illegal too. For me the emotional and mental abuse was much worse and much longer lasting than the physical stuff. The injunction was taken out by his ex, not him so I wouldn’t believe a word he says about his ex. Typical abuser behaviour to blame exes. This kind of abuse destroys our mental health until was lose track of reality. Imagine your mum or sister being treated this way in a relationship, what would you tell them? His abuse has been going on for a while so write down every incident you can remember including the stalking behaviour. Read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. When you say your family think he’s lovely, have you told them he calls you these disgusting names and that you’re scared of him? They only see the ‘lovely side’ for a reason.abusers are great at hiding abuse. Making out they’re this lovely helpful charismatic person until,the door is closed. Please don’t blame the alcohol for,his behaviour. Many people drink and are not abusive. He chooses to be abusive and it will only get worse. Abuse is insidious and we end up minimising it. You are in a terribly toxic and abusive relationship and this man has a pattern of this behaviour. Get back in touch with women’s aid for support. Remember when you ended things before, it’s a dangerous time so stay safe x
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I agree about not believing about the ex. My current abuser told me stuff about the end of his previous relationship. I believed him as I had no reason not to. Only recently I found out it was mostly total lies. Imagine something along the lines of he told me that he finished the relationship and told ex not to return. Yet in reality she ran away and when she was far away she told him she wasn’t coming back. He then pretty much stalked her trying to get her to come back to him… it was a bit like that.
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That behavior is absolutely not normal, it is
100% abuse. I too went through a long period of thinking his behavior was normal, because I didn’t have any models for what a healthy relationship looked like, and because he never actually hit me. It is so, so easy to minimize abuse because he doesn’t hurt your physical body, but in reality, smashing objects and nearing walls, anything like that alis a form of physical abuse. And you should never have to tolerate your partner calling you ugly names. That is not love. Absuove men seem to be very good at showing people only their wonderful, charming sides – my ex could certainly flip his demeaning behavior on and off like a switch when he wanted to. “Why Does He Do That” by Lundy Bancroft might be very helpful to you – I found it instrumental in working up the courage to leave my ex. Just remember you are not alone, and you do not deserve that sort of treatment. -
Hi thank you so much for your replies. In terms of his ex, they have a child so I’ve been the person in the middle dealing with all the contact so I do know she is absolutely a bad person too. You wouldnt believe things she accused me of which were completely unrelated to my partner. It made me ill trying to mediate between them so I had to give this up ages ago, but he (detail removed by Moderator) managed to agree new terms. I think what confuses me the most is how he can be calling me names on minute and the next asking for a cuddle or calling me babe. That seriously messes up my head and I’ve told him my mind cant flip like that. Thw one thing with him that I couldnt do with my ex is discuss things (when hes in right mood of course) and I can really tell him how he made me feel etc and he will be understanding of my feelings. Admittedly within an hour hes back to his normal self but for the small moment I have the partner I’ve always wanted. I like the idea of keeping a journal so thank you for that, it’s easy to forget alot of things so that will help me.
My family are aware of what he calls me etc but they just feel sorry for him because of his childhood and past experiences. His Dad is exactly the same but he seems to have grown out of it a bit, do you think theres a chance my partner might calm down? -
No there’s no chance long term. He wears a mask, a mask of kindness and a good person but underneath that mask is the real man he truly is. The nasty self serving selfish abusive man. I can see you’re still defending him which is what we as victims do. Involving you with his ex could be triangulation. Abusers often use two women to make them feel jealous and insecure. Using you till it made you feel ill. She will have gone through exactly what you’re going through. That’s just his personality.Whatever kind of person you think his ex is, she is not your problem. Many people are abused in childhood and have difficult lives but they do not abuse their partner. There is no excuse for domestic abuse and your family ignoring his abuse towards you just shows that they too lack the knowledge of an abuser and the tactics they use. I know if my daughters boyfriend treated her this way I’d be appalled. It’s illegal to put someone in a state of fear. He won’t change because he doesn’t think he’s done anything wrong. He uses abusive manipulative tacticS to get what he wants and it works for him. Read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft or Living with the Dominator. You can also ask the police using Claire’s Law If he has any other convictions or reports of abuse against him. Keep trying women’s aid. And stop defending his behaviour. There is no excuse for abuse and for hurting our partners x
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KIP your response has been a real eye opener for me. I have been reading Why Does He Do That and I’m honestly blown away by how similar some of these stories are to mine. I just dont want to have to admit what this is because I feel so pathetic that I allowed it to happen the first time and now my next relationship is just another form of abuse. I do sometimes think I am controlling because I’ve read about how partner give them the silent treatment, and this is honestly what I do. I literally cant handle the situation and just completely ignore everything he says just to hopefully show him I’m upset, but he tells me all the time that I’m controlling him and sometimes I think I do have those tendencies. I’ve spent this whole relationship telling family what it’s like then backtracking because I am afraid they wont like him. But I want them to dislike him. As crazy as this sounds I almost want him to physically hurt me because then I feel abuse is validated and I can finally leave. I dont know what support is out there for me. I couldnt go to any family members house because he would stalk me again and I’m afraid I’d put them in danger. I dont have children so really this should be seen as an easy escape, but I don’t know what to do. Hes at work again today and I’m afraid what hes going to be like. It’s either he comes in all woe is me and I have to feed that ego or he could start nice and turn later or he just comes in and starts drinking and then I know its world war. I’m sorry to keep asking you questions but your insight to this is really helpful to me as I’ve spent so much time looking into the typical and obvious signs of abuse, whereas this is alot more unknown and subtle to me. Is there any men out there who dont have these tendencies? I sometimes wonder if this is all there is and I should be happy he doesnt cheat or physically hurt me and I can accept the rest 🙁
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Your actions are in a response to abuse. You’re not setting out to control him and destroy his life. You’re on this forum because you’re not an abuser. Write down a list of all the abusive things. Stalking is illegal and this time you ring the police and let them deal with him. That’s what they’re for. Please don’t apologise for asking questions. We are all here to help others just like me in the beginning. I was constantly asking questions. In shock just trying to work out what the hell happened. At first I thought I was the only person in the world that had been abused like this. It helps to validate your feelings with other women who understand. And that feeling of being grateful he didn’t treat us worse is a victim mentality.its too painful just now to accept the real truth. Yes there are lots of good kind men out there. It boils down to your boundaries and recognising red flags and having the confidence to make choices putting you first. Women’s aid say to leave two years between relationships after an abusive one because we are extremely vulnerable. Have you ever had counselling. I found it fantastic. To understand the dynamics of an abuser too. Google the cycle of abuse. Trauma bonding. Cognitive dissonance x and keep posting and reading other posts x
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I’m ashamed to say yes I have had counselling and also psychotherapy due to the abuse from my ex. I say ashamed because I should know all this but I’m still non the wiser because it’s so different to the first time. I’m on antidepressants and anxiety meds too (which he loves to use against me). Whenever I wake up in a morning after hes been horrible the night before and I’m upset he tells me to take my meds in a demoralising way. I just wish he could be supportive. I’ve stood by him through everything and tried to help, with his every little need and I’ve never had anything back. I just wish I was stronger. I wish I could walk out that door and not look back but I’m at my weakest when I’m single. I cant cope for some reason but I need to learn to x
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I was on antidepressants too. It’s him causing your mental injuries and the medication only helps with the symptoms. You need to treat the cause. Which is him. At least you’re moving forward and beginning to understand what is happening here. Don’t be so hard on yourself. How would you know what this kind of abuse looks like. After a violent relationship it probably seemed mild to begin with but it’s so insidious. Ask yourself what’s so wrong with being single? Is it his words that you’re listening to. I’ve been single since my ex was arrested and removed from my home and I spent those years getting to know me again, things that I like to do with nobody holding me back. Such adventures we can have when we are free x
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It soundS like you’re doing everything as a single person anyway. No loving supportive partner taking his share of the chores and Supporting you. Stunting your growth. At least as a single person you can make your own decisions and life choices. Perhaps look into some more counselling. Build a support network round you with as many organisations and understanding people x
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Sorry completely off track I called police to request application under clares law. They called back within a minute and said they are coming round due to his coercive behaviour. I’m massively panicking now. What the hell have I done? I was only looking for his DV past history and now they’re coming here. I cant stop shaking. Have you heard of this before? X
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They are coming round for a reason. It sound as though you are not ready to leave him yet so I can understand how frightening this must be for you but if they are coming round it’s possible that they know something that you don’t.
Please pack a bag and if you can get your passport and birth certificate. If there is a marriage certificate try and get that too.
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Putting some distance between you will give you space to think. The police were involved with me too and it was the best thing that could have happened. I was frozen so they took over. It gave me time and space to get the help I needed and to get my head out of the fog of his abuse. If they can get bail conditions then even better. Then if he begins his stalking and harrassment they can act x
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Thank you everyone this is exactly what I need right now clear advice. Thank you to who posted the list of essential items. They still havent come yet, but I told them my partner could be home from work anytime. The last thing I want is for them to be here when he gets back. This has turned into a nightmare. I wish I just kept to speaking on this and didnt involve them x
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Use this opportunity to ask what they can do for you. You’re in lockdown so they will have to stay 2 meters apart from you. Could you meet them in a local park? Ask if they can remove him from the property and let him find somewhere else to stay. Ask all the questions you want to know. As well as if he has a past record of abuse.
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Hi everyone it’s me again. So after all that worrying and panicking the police arent coming today now. I’m glad actually because I didnt want him to come home whilst they were here. They’re going to come either tomorrow or Monday depending on whether my partner is here or not. I’ll keep you posted. I feel relieved but not sure I should as no doubt I have the abuse to look forward to again tonight x
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That’s not so good. Why aren’t they coming after all that?
Well it does give you time to get used to the idea a little. When he’s abusing you tonight you’ll know there’s a way out but it’s important not to let that slip.
Can you record the abuse on your phone? I just set the voice recorder and popped my phone in my pocket or under the cushion I was sitting next to. Be aware that you need his permission to share the recording though.
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I’m not sure why I think they maybe dont have an officer available. Yes I have been recording him as it gives me something to listen to when I suddenly think he can change
I’m so grateful for everyone’s support on here. They said on the last phone call that the clares law might not reveal anything but that they need more information from me but I’m not sure what that means x -
I think Claire’s law only reveals their convictions. There may be more information recorded about behaviour that has been reported but no action taken. They may want to talk to you to get a fuller picture but keep your bag packed. It took me a while to leave my ex and I kept a bad packed and hidden the whole time and I took my documents, credit card and cash everywhere I went.
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Hi there, just to let you know that you dont need his permission to record abuse. I recorded it on my phone and let the police hear it and it was used as evidence so please let them hear it. Knowing that they are taking you seriously should make you feel a little more empowered. It’s not just convictions that Claire’s law allows. It could be that other women have reported his abusive behaviour. It’s at the discretion of the police in what they disclose. The information they need from you will be that of his behaviour. So they can work out exactly what crimes he’s committing. Coercive controlling behaviour is now a crime. Putting someone in a state of fear and alarm is a crime and that includes his temper tantrums and name calling. Emphasise that you fear him and you fear going against him. That’s coercive control x try to stay calm. If you want some peace from him you could feign an illness and go to bed early. Just don’t be tempted to tell him what’s happening x you’re doing really well x
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Hi just want to reiterate what kip said,re recording him. You can’t in the circumstances tell him as it could escalate his abuser further or just put him on his best behaviour. Its not against the law or be seen as inadmissible. I requested a disclosure on my husband not long after I left. Taking into account the time I’d been with him there wasn’t anything they could tell me as I’d never reported him myself. He did have criminal records,had Been to court,but civil nothing was there. I knew his ex had reported him but that was over (detail removed by Moderator) ago. the policeman basically said for all there wasn’t anything to disclose, leopards don’t change their spots and tellingly, to keep my distance from him keep myself safe. What I took from that was that he thought, in his experience that my husband was dangerous and to distance myself.
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The The officer has just left, she was lovely and has experience of DV herself which was useful.
I agreed to log it but not to investigate so it is just on file and can be reopened at any time, she has graded my risk as mediumYou were right about recording him she said it’s good to have incase I want them to investigate but her advice was to leave. There isnt any support to go somewhere like a refuge though which is annoying otherwise i would have gone, so as it stands I’m still here xx
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Keep your phone on you and fully charged at all times. I had 999 on speed dial too if you can do that and make it look like a friends profile. You also want to have a safe word or phrase with one of your friends. Mine was “do you remember the dog I used to have”. Did she put a police marker on your address and phone number? Do you have a safe room that you can barricade yourself in. I had door wedges but something stronger is better. Do you have neighbors through the walls you can alert? You don’t have to accept his behaviour. Is there anyone who you can stay with until you can find somewhere safe to live. Not sure if you’re a joint Tennant or joint mortgage.
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Hi thanks for your replies. Yes she said shes put a marker so if I call it comes through as urgent but I havent heard of that before so wasnt sure what that meant. This is his house so they cant remove him. I said if I went anywhere he would just follow me unless I can go somewhere that he doesnt know but I cant afford to do that. The walls are thin so neighbours would hear, she did ask that actually but I assume because it’s not being investigated they wouldnt speak to them.
The officer said he has logged up with a history of DV but didnt disclose any details to me so I’m not sure if they contact you about that? X -
Well now you know he has a history and is a repeat offender. They will only tell you what they think is relative. But they have warned you and that’s a start. That’s probably why she was so insistent about coming to see you. The fact that he has previous will help you if you decide to report. Try to work on a safe exit plan with women’s aid. Without him knowing try to sort somewhere to go. Abuse always gets worse. Worse in each relationship and worse for the ones that come after. Eventually my ex was arrested but not before he assaulted me. Don’t let it get to that stage. The murder rate has doubled in domestic abuse since lockdown so don’t underestimate these men.
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Ive literally been so fixated that I’m leaving and have been trying to seek refuge. He threw another tantrum tonight but I’m now sat here thinking I cant leave. He wouldnt be able to live financially or cook for himself. Neither of us earn much but we’ve always got by. How would he continue if I wasnt here to help? It’s silly things too like I’ve ordered things to be delivered to his house and I know it seems trivial but I’m really doubting this is the right step. I know I shouldn’t feel this way but what if be does do something to himself? Even though that would be his decision I’d never forgive myself. I just dont think I can do this. I’ve told my parents who are really supportive but now I wish I didnt
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It’s the fear of people knowing that’s so scary. Until now you’ve kept this to yourself, only just opening up on here. I was terrified to leave as financially I was nothing without him.(or so I thought)It took both our money to run the house. I also have movement health issues, they will not get better,but the pain levels I was in have subsided dramatically. So leaving is very good for oor physical health as well as our mental health. It is the silly wee things that stop us doing what we need to do. Once you start taking those baby steps to sort out those wee things keeping you there, your confidence will begin to grow again. Each achievement is another tie to him broken. The more people you tell, the more light shines on this dark secret. Secrets don’t hide in the light.
Let the light shine in on your life again
IWMB💞💞 -
FOG of abuse. Fear Obligation and Guilt is how abuse traps up. He’s not your responsibility. He’s destroying you and he chooses to destroy you. During the peaceful times we think the good partner has returned but it’s just a mask he wears. I wish I had all this knowledge when I was being abused. As soon as I understood that he knows exactly what he’s doing and he chooses to abuse and manipulate, I couldn’t stay. The longer you stay, the deeper the mental scars and the longer to recover. You’re already trauma bonded to him. Worrying about him when he would destroy you deliberately without a second thought. He’s done this before. To other women. It’s who he is and I bet they thought the same before eventually the police were involved. So you now know it’s not you, it’s him. The domestic abuse murders have doubled since lockdown and the police are telling you that your are at risk. Please believe them. It’s difficult to walk away from the emotional investment but this investment won’t give you any sort of Good life in return. You’re in a strange comfort zone and are afraid to leave that comfort zone. Even though the comforts zone is dangerously dysfunctional. You need to re train your brain x
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That’s really good advice, I have just kept a screen shot of that to look at when I’m doubting myself. So I’ve spoken to refuge places and due to me earning a small amount they would charge me £180 a week for a room which is out of my budget. I’ve registered onto a spare room website where you rent a room with bills included. I havent done this before but I used to work for a letting agency so have some knowledge of renting. I think I just need a safe space where he cant find me to get my thoughts together. He kept having a go at me again last night saying how awful I am and how its gonna take him time to forgive me! Forgive me?! For what?! Unbelievable. The FOG theory definitely resonates with me and I need to put that aside and focus on me which is something I am terrible at. It’s weird one minute I’m so fixed on leaving and have everything planned in my mind and the next I’m looking around his house thinking how nice we’ve made it and that maybe it could work. But I know it cant 🙁 I dont know what I’d do if I didnt have you all keeping me on straight and narrow so thank you
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It’s good that you are recognising his abuse and it didn’t take time for it all to begin again. From now on you will see him in a different light. All his actions you can now dissect and understand that it is deliberate actions designed to wear you down. You’re absolutely right about getting some space from him and renting a room is a good idea. It can be cheap and temporary until you have a plan in place. You will know exactly how to respond if he begins his stalking again, you now have your police contact and don’t hesitate to inform them next him. Abusers are simply bullies. He cannot bully a police force. He’s probably always behaved inappropriately but now the FOG is clearing you can recognise all these red flags. Have you done the freedom programme through women’s aid?
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Hi PinkandGlitter
I just wanted to show you some support, I can see you have had lots of really helpful replies already. Well done for speaking the police, I am glad there is now a marker on your address.
Sorry to hear that the refuge cost was too high, I think it may be worth trying some more as the prices aren’t all the same, and you can get some help with looking for a suitable refuge. If you are planning to rent a room, you could speak to your local domestic abuse service for support, an Independent Domestic Violence Advocate may be able to help make sure you move out safely. https://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/
You haven’t done anything wrong and you deserve to be happy and safe.
Take care and keep posting,
Lisa
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Hi PinkandGlitter,
The fact that things escalated again after the police visit is not good. I can suggest another option you may wish to consider (knowledge is power after all!)
The abuse you are suffering consists of Controlling and Coercive Behaviour, which is a criminal offence since 2015. You could call the police again and let them know in detail some of the things he has said and done and they can arrest him for the offence of C&C Behaviour. A detailed statement can be taken from you and the police can hold him in the cells for up to 24 hours to gain evidence and submit a report to the Crown Prosecution Service to see if they think there is enough evidence to take this to court. If there is, he could be charged and bailed with conditions not to return to your address. If the CPS believe further statements from family and friends need to be obtained, then your partner can still be bailed with conditions not to return to your address. If the police end up having to release him with No Further Action taken you can ask them to consider a Domestic Violence Protection Notice leading to a Domestic Violence Protection Order. These are known as DVPN or DVPO.
If the police agree the evidence is serious enough to award protection with a DVPN they can serve a notice on him before he leaves custody that means he has to stay away from you/your address for a period of 72 hours. These notices are effectively a temporary eviction notice. It doesn’t matter if the house if his/just rented in his name etc, it is all to do with Safeguarding and giving you some temporary respite from the abuse to seek help and give you some breathing space. If he breaches the DVPN he can be arrested and held in the cells to go to the next court. During this 72 hour period the police take the DVPN to court to try and get it enhanced in to a DVPO. The DVPO last for 28 days. Again, if it is breached, he can be arrested, put before the court, and possibly sent to prison for breaching it.
These notices are designed to get the abuser out of the household to give the victim the time to seek legal advice, DA advice, apply to the Civil Court for an Occupation Order or Non Mol Order etc. It gives you time to speak to Domestic Abuse Support Workers, look for alternative accommodation if you decide you do actually want to leave the address yourself, get your belongings together and any other things you need to address.
Please consider the above process as an option. If going to a refuge is too expensive, or one is too far away for your work life to continue, and you can’t find a hotel or B&B or anywhere else to stay it does not mean you have to remain in the abusive situation. The only downside to this option is that it can only be processed following a formal complaint of a crime and an arrest for an offence. I know many victims do not want their partner arrested as this can makes things worse for them (I was one of those ladies and did not wish to pursue anything with the police after one such incident.)
Good luck with whatever you choose to do x
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Thank you again to each and every one of you for taking time out of your lives to support me. The information regarding police action was really interesting to read and I had no idea about it. I think due to his previous conviction (the one I know about – I still havent heard back re clares law) would mean I’d possibly have a higher chance of being believed but as you said, I probably wont want to report him. If things got too bad, I would call 999 and also have a safe word set up with my parents so if I need help they know to come and call too. I dont know how these men have a sense but since I did all of this secret reporting to police etc he has been fine tonight and has gone to bed early which is a huge relief for me. Admittedly he did tell me before he went to bed how lucky I am that he comes home to me every night which I had to laugh at in my head. It sounds awful but I’m almost waiting for the opportunity to call 999 so it will validate everything but I know how crazy that sounds. I have registered on a spare rooms site but I’m still not sure that’s the best way forward.. the battle in your head when you’ve had enough is horrendous! You cant just stick to it, having to doubt yourself and play the abuse down to stay put, I’m so frustrated with myself x
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Hi again,
I’m glad last night wasn’t too awful for you and he went off to bed early.Please don’t make all of your plans around the Clare’s Law disclosure. The legal procedure for this can take up to 35 days and it should be done in person due to the paperwork that needs to be signed etc. I’m not sure how the Covid-19 is affecting this as it will vary from police force to police force. I have worked with a few women who have left once a history of abuse has been disclosed to them, but the majority have remained because their partner has managed to successfully explain and account for why he assaulted a previous partner. One lady had a disclosure that her partner had hit an ex partner over the head with a frying pan and she told me “Oh I know about that one, but she was a psycho, you should hear what she did to him!” As we know, these men are smooth talkers and master manipulators, they have a ‘plausible’ answer for everything. If any disclosure is made to you then use it in consideration, but please base your decisions on how he treats YOU, not someone else. Only disclosures of violence or abusive behaviour (including sexual assaults) to previous partners can be disclosed, a criminal history in general cannot. So for instance, if your partner is a burglar and a drug dealer this would not be disclosed. The flip side of a ‘no disclosure to make’ has made ladies feel that their partner is actually quite ‘safe’ then, and that it must really be them that is the problem if no other woman has reported him to the police. This has made the lady feel she must ‘try harder’ with the relationship to make it work as she must be the reason it’s all going wrong. This has led to a woman’s self confidence being destroyed even more. Please, please make your decisions based on how he behaves around YOU, how he treats YOU etc. If you are living in fear and you are anxious about how he will react to things (which I know you are from reading your posts) you are going to feel more down and stuck. His telling you how lucky you are that he comes home to you every night is common with abusers, it’s language designed to make you feel unworthy of anyone else and for you to believe that if you do consider leaving him then your future option may be one of being alone. According to my ex, I was so repulsive that no one else would consider dating me if I left him; my cellulite was awful, my boobs were too small! I’ve actually had some wonderful boyfriends since then, he was totally wrong 🙂
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