I don’t know what to do

[Froggyfan123]

I want to leave the father of my child. I realised he’s controlling but I also realised since we have been together there has been SA. He also on a couple occasions has been violent although not recently. He often say how he wants to kill or seriously harm people.

 

I’m confused because when I said I was breaking up with him he suddenly started being the perfect dad and partner. I know it’s probably an abuse tactic but it’s left me doubting if I’m just exaggerating what’s happened and if I’m at fault in some way or I’m just being dramatic.

 

Practically I don’t know how to leave. I approached my old council (where I grew up) and they turned me away. I have debated going to a refuge but I’m terrified as I will have to leave one of my dogs. A charity is able to foster one but the other dog is not suitable for fostering as he’s anxious. I’m scared to leave him. He’s my baby. I do think my ex will be okay towards him as he likes that dog (he has been mean to the dog that is being fostered). I’m just scared and worried as I don’t know what my exes reaction will be to me leaving.

I’m also just scared of leaving the world I know behind even though I know it’s for the best.

[Lisa]

Hi Froggyfan123,

Welcome to the forum and thank you for your post. I hope you find the forum a safe and supportive place to be with others who understand.

Abuse is all about power and control, abusers don’t like to lose this, so when they think their partner is going to leave, they will do whatever they can to prevent it. Just as you’re experiencing, a change of behaviour to being the perfect partner is meant to confuse you and make you question your sense of reality about the abuse. It’s a common tactic and will be temporary until your partner thinks the immediate risk of you leaving is over.

There’s support available to help you leave. You could reach out to your local domestic abuse service who should be able to help you understand your options, decide what you want, and make a plan of how to do that safely. Most local domestic abuse services will have advocates who can help speaking with agencies like housing to make sure the rules relating to domestic abuse are being followed.

If you need any guidance on using the forum you can find this in the Forum Guidelines and FAQs. If they don’t answer your question then please feel free to message me.

If you feel like you are in need of some additional support, you could chat to a Women’s Aid worker in confidence via our Live Chat service. They won’t tell you what to do, but can discuss your situation and signpost you to other support that’s relevant for you.

Do keep posting to let us know how you’re getting on.

Best wishes,

Lisa
(Forum Moderator)

[Author]

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