I dont know what to do anymore…

[shine bright 2]

Is don’t know what to do. Not sure I can cope anymore. We have moved (detail removed by moderator) miles with the help of police.we can’t. Contact anyone or have connection with our old life. I’ve given up my career while our papers are sorted and we get given money. I know we are lucky. We got an amazing chance to escape an im grateful…really grateful.
But court just drags on and on and I feel like I can’t start rebuilding my life. (detail removed by moderator) I feel responsible. Everyone told me I was a bad wife..all his family..even mine sometimes. I’ve brought shame on his family and I’ve made him crazy. Now I’m struggling because before I could blame him for his behaviour and hold him responsible. Now I feel like I made him rape me and hit me or that the illness made him do it. I can’t get my head round that..the idea that noone is to blame. So why did all that happen?
This also means that I’m stuck as i am. In my head I thought he might get out and go to our home country or that he would come out and just leave us alone.
I don’t want to sound selfish and self cenred, I know lots of people don’t get this far…I just feel so confused.My head is like…maybe he didn’t know he was raping me.Maybe the rage when he beat me while I lay on the floor was illness…an illness that I somehow triggered.
I’m so lucky to be here. The nightmare and self harm have pretty much stopped and I’m afraid they are going g to come back.

[Tiffany]

You didn’t cause any of this. Plenty of people have mental illnesses and they don’t rape their partner. It’s common for abuse victims to blame themselves for the abuse – I thought mine was my fault for a long time. My partner also had a mental illness which I thought I was triggering. Mostly because that was what he told me. Ultimately though he just wanted power and gained it by dominating me. I found it very useful to go through the list of abusive incidents which I had written down and think of which were possibly accidental and those which were definitely a choice he made. I was surprised to find that most were actually not the kind of thing you could do accidentally – yours is already started. You cannot accidentally rape someone, or beat them up. Mental illness, generally does not make people aggressive – there are a few exceptions, but if he had an illness that made him physically violent he would have hit anyone that he came in contact with. And there is absolutely no mental illness which makes people rape. This is not your fault. You have not brought shame on your family. He has. I hope things get better for you soon. Try and treat yourself gently. Look after yourself the best you can and just take it day by day.

[KIP.]

Hey, lovely to hear from you. Glad you took that huge step. You should be immensely proud of yourself. By your reasoning, every woman on this site was responsible for the abuse she suffered which is obviously not the case. You’re just having a blip. This too shall pass. It must have been a very stressful time for you, understandably so. It’s probably stirred up old feelings of anxiety but it’s nearly spring, then it will be summer and you can leave your back door wide open and sit in the sun and not have to worry. Give yourself some time to adjust and once again. Well done 👍

[shine bright 2]

Thank you both. Just finding it hard. I feel like I don’t even exist.. That I am just part of a process. (detail removed by Moderator) seems to focus on him and his rights not mine. I got given one bank card in my new name. I have no ID and this morning I lost my purse with that card in. Until I speak to the officers looking after me there is nothing I can do.

I hate everything right now…even the people who are supposed to support me. He raped Sodomised and beat, but everything g has to wait for him to be fit (detail removed by Moderator).

Now what do I so with all the hatred and blame. He’s I’ll so how can I aim It at him. So that leaves me. I can hate myself and blame myself. I can listen to what people said. I can think maybe they are right….I wasn’t a good wife/ mother/Muslim/ person.

Once again I feel utterly powerless. Someone else controls money, my job is gone, my phone is gone. When is life going to be normal?

[KIP.]

Hey, you are moving in the right direction. It may not seem like it just now but you have come so very very far. It was you taking control that got you all to safety. Try to block him from your mind. He is not your problem anymore. Let the system deal with him. Just try to enjoy your new found safety and freedom. We’ve all lost bank cards 😬 oops. That can be sorted. If that’s all that’s gone wrong you’re doing great. Sadly, their toxic smell lingers but as someone on this site said. Buy a strong air freshener lol. Hang in there. Spring and summer on the horizon x

[shine bright 2]

Not really about the bank card. Things get lost. It’s about the fact that I sonr really even exist. I currently have no passport, driving licence or anything. All I had was one card in my new name. I’m in this situation because of one person. It feels like he still controls things. (detail removed by Moderator) Every time I psyxh myself up to tell them what he did to me and then it’s cancelled. I can’t tell people my real name or where I’m from or what I been through. There is no support group for dealing with a situation where you can’t make phone calls, you can’t have a job, you can’t get credit or register with a doctor without people working behinds the scenes. Everything is weird. Even the police and cps don’t know where I am.
I miss my own community. I miss everything..friends, food, shops everything. I like it here but its so different.
I’m doing all this so I can speak out about what he did… But all they do is mess me about. It’s like no one really gives a s**t about us. All I want is for people to know what he did. In order for this to happen I have to bring shame and dishonour on two families and myself. When I first talked my in laws said ” don’t so this…death is better than dishonour ”
I dont think people understand what a pressure that is. I’m not sure I can keep going with all this.

[Ayanna]

You can do this.
I can only imagine how hard that is.
But you have come so far.
You need to speak out and say everything what he has ever done.
Many muslim women are stuck in similar situations. You help all of them with what you do.
Let the shame be on the two families.
It is another step for the community to learn how wrong it is to abuse women and that they are supported when they do not allow this to happen anymore. It is not only about getting justice, you are also sending a message to the entire community.
The more women speak out the stronger the message will grow. Change is needed and you are on the forefront of this change.
I have nothing but admiration for your bravery.
Hang in there, carry on. It will all be over one day.

[Author]

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