I don’t know where to start

[AlwaysSorry]

I have been quiet for a while on here, moreso than ever since I found this space. I’m sorry for not having had it in me to be of any support to any of you. I will make that right.

One major change did happen. I got a restraining order which I was told (detail removed by moderator). I suppose that is a small victory. It gave me the push to go “okay I can block him completely now without fearing what he will do in retaliation” only to find he had already blocked me. I am not entirely sure when he did this, but I have a feeling he would have waited till the verdict came in – that would be his “style”. I still blocked him right back though in case he wants to change his mind. It’s given me that feeling of yes, it’s over, even if he gets to walk away, even if the system protects him because he knew to run away, because he knew nobody would ever see and catch him in the act, because he even knew which airport to fly out from if ever he injured me “too much” (while he only ever once said how he would kill me, the tone was always to let me know that he could and would and how he would escape the country). And because he knew how scared I was of recording him again after what happened the other times where I infact did try to record him.

Still, I am very disappointed and complaints will be written far and wide. The restraining order in some ways feels like a buffer between all the things he threatened me with, and since the system made sure I would be far removed from him physically, I have nothing left to lose. I might as well complain. It’s draining though, and a part of me wants to be petty and position myself conveniently right outside his work just so he has to leave. Sadly, I don’t have any faith in the police actually having my side in any of this. After all, there is only one (well, two) police officers who know about this case and (detail removed by moderator)

I did spend years lying FOR him. But I’m not lying now and haven’t been since that day of the last assault where I reported him. All of it happened and I needed to be believed. (detail removed by moderator) I just needed there to be a consequence for him, something to say “what you did was wrong”. Instead I feel he has been given a stamp of approval and I worry for the women he will come into contact with, professionally and socially. I worry for them.

Writing up my complaints to the relevant organisations if you will is so draining and in all honesty consists of lines in my head moreso than on paper. But I will get there. I will not be quiet about him anymore. (detail removed by moderator), but I was assaulted for years at least once a month. As far as the notes I managed to keep over the years, I have memories of excess 70 assaults. He hasn’t been found not guilty of those and I’m done lying for him. He isn’t the victim. A jealous reaction from me regarding his sexual exploits with other women does not justify a push, a grab, a shake, a bite, a kick, a slap. Because it wasn’t my fault any of it. No matter what tone I used, no matter what word I used to describe something, no matter how my hair was, no matter what opinion I had, what clothes I wore, it was never my fault. He did this to me, he is not the victim, he just knows exactly how to get away with it.

(detail removed by moderator)

I mentioned I tried watching Big Little Lies in another post a while ago. I’ve finished watching it now (though a new season has just started). How strange a restraining order can make me finish watching something I couldn’t before. And what a strange feeling it was to see how the first season ended.

[fizzylem]

So glad to read you’ve got this RO in place AS. Have you registered him on the Claire’s Law thing? So others can check if he’s on there? I’m not sure how this works or if its even relevant as Ive never looked into it.

Sounds like what you’re saying is you feel he got away with the violence because he was never charged, but it has been recognised so there is RO. Gosh, 70 assaults, horrendous, this has been a living nightmare for so so long hasn’t it.

What are you hoping to achieve next? Can he be tried for the things he didn’t get tried for before? Or in the eyes of the law is this case now closed?

I hear you want justice for sure, and I dont know your story really at all hey, but for me, one woman to another, I’d like for you to find peace now. This man has almost destroyed you, and he’s still hurting you now really as well – whenever he is in your thoughts. Hugs x

[diymum@1]

he sounds like hes power craved and let his position go to his head in that he thinks hes invincible. it also sounds like maybe the people he knows as friends have taken his side out of loyalty. I wonder what other officials would think – I think that him being allowed to work in a position off trust after assaulting you 70+ times is ethically and morally wrong. my ex is the same – keep fighting for justice – when the right people see this I think he should really loose his job AT LEAST – id personally report him to his governing body that usually works for me and others I know xxxx hope your ok much love diymum

[AlwaysSorry]

it hurts really badly now. I’m writing things up and just realising they protected him. i don’t know how much i can write on here but writing these complaints it really hurts just listing the things they did wrong. like it was all for show. and i feel like it just confirms his story of how he is the victim and i’m some kind of fraud. and it hurts having to realise that he would rather lie than live up to his claims of loving me. he could say it 10-20 times in a day and the rule was i had to say it back. how could he say it and then lie. was it all a lie? it happened, all of it happened and it happened how i keep saying it happened. how can they let him get away just because no one saw and he had fled.
i lost everything, why does he get to keep everything. it was my home too. it was my life that was destroyed and i’m the one who gets kicked so far away. who is ever going to want me so damaged. i feel like he killed the dream i had of one day being a mum. i do know it’s a blessing that we aren’t tied together in that way but he would always use it as a carrot that i would have to behave in certain ways for years before he would consider children and i am not getting any younger and if i forgot to get him tissues or something really small that wasn’t perfect or how he wanted it to be, it would be right back to starting over on this scorecard of his. oh it hurts im sorry if im rambling it just hurts

[KIP.]

The things you describe are controlling behaviour. Why should you have to say you love him back. It shouldn’t be forced. What you need to know is that you could be the most perfect partner in the world and he would find something to abuse you over. It was never about how many times you told him you loved him, or tissues. It was about abusing you. Making you feel small and making himself feel big. That’s how abusers work. They simply change the goal posts or invent stuff to abuse us over. We also tell them our innermost desires and fears, loving partners take note of these and support us in them. Abusers keep them in the back of their minds to use against us. The voice in your head is his voice, trying to remove your self esteem and confidence. Find the strong woman you were before you met him. She’s still there x

[diymum@1]

i felt the same when i had to write down all off my evidence it was heart and gut wrenching to have to go back and dig deep into what happened. i do feel now writing it all down helped to process it – it probably gav me the anger i needed to fight him. i honestly felt that when i realised he was a ruthless b*****d – i new then and i let it be known o fight him to the death (not literally) but in court i actually did. he had to give up. 1i think this will give you your drive. i also think you will feel better once (and you will) see justice beibg served. he shouldnt be in the position he is in because he will be dealing with victims of abuse and he is an abuser. its very hard seeing them for what they are and seeing that they didnt love us on that deeper level that we wanted. but you will get that just not from him or his kind neither did any off us so its not you love xxxx take care

hugs love diymum

[fizzylem]

Hey AS, I dont know what to say; sounds like it’s important to you to write these complaints. Keep chipping away and doing whatever it is you feel you need to do. Work towards drawing that line, but also start collecting up your thoughts and ideas regarding how you want the next part of your life to be, the part that is free of him, amd when you feel able chip away at that also. There is a life on the otherside, I truly belive that, for all of us, we’ve just got to clear the way to get there haven’t we xx

[AlwaysSorry]

Thank you ladies. I just have this need for justice to exist in this world. If evil behaviour gets rewarded then I am not sure it’s the kind of world I can live in. Maybe that’s his voice too, he spent the last 2 years of our relationship desperately trying to persuade me to kill myself. I would have ended up obeying. I don’t know how to build a life, I am desperate for a hug but the thought of anyone touching me makes me sick. I just don’t understand their logic, I am so high risk they have to move me so very far away but then they drop the ball and he gets to walk. And I’m getting the feeling I’m noto even allowed to call myself a victim anymore because of his side claiming I had made it all up. My stomach hurts all the time, I barely eat but still don’t drop in weight and then yes it’s his voice again, that nobody would or could want me. I’m seeing my GP tomorrow, something has to happen, I can’t keep being in pain and have all this anxiety, I just can’t keep it up anymore. Sleep is an hour here and there and full of nightmares. I reported him once before and then retracted, very early on in the relationship. That was when he stopped calling me nice names, once the matter had been dropped. Not long after he started his talks of other women. How could I not see it then 🙁

[HopeLifeJoy]

Hi sweety I’m sorry you are going through such hard-ache like this…you are doing the right thing by going to see your GP tomorrow, mine always says it all starts with a good night sleep. When I had my nightmares and insomnia I received sleeping pills and goodness they helped knock me out beautifully, finally I was able to sleep again. When your anxiety is high up (very high) your metabolism stops functioning properly. It should all get better once you get your routine and sleep back and you’ll drop weight fast don’t worry.
Make sure you are drinking enough water, drink juices if you can’t eat to keep your sugar levels up (so you won’t faint). If it helps distract yourself with funny books or films or series, this lifts and relax the anxiety and mood a little bit.
Get your sleep back, then seek justice. You can’t go out there to fight without being properly rested. Recharge first then fight.
Wishing you a good appointment tomorrow. 💞

[diymum@1]

You know I feel the same as you AS – I heard his voice over and over in my head saying who would want you your stupid your ugly, boring your nothing. Horrible men. Why is there the need to do this ? We will never really understand because we have too much integrity to ever do that to anyone. I was given prozac when I saw my GP on top off high anxiety I was fighting the system and him too. It was too much I was a wreck – I’m glad I took these as anti anxiety meds it worked. Once I switched off my insecurity button I’d say that was the source + still having to deal with him through solicitors. It was game on – I felt switched on and I researched and more. In the end I new exactly who I needed to contact and I kept going until someone listened xx it won’t come easy as nothing worth doing ever does but I believe you will get your justice. I think then you will be able to heal and find happyness which you so deserve xx love diymum 💪 💕 💕

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