Tagged: How? Help? Advise? Leaving?
8th September 2020 at 2:19 pm #113280
I’m new to this site, so I’ve been in my relationship for (detail removed by Moderator) years, no kids yet. I’m pretty sure this is an very abusive and toxic relationship. I’ve tried to leave many times before but he always persuads me back! It’s getting me down sooo much! I want to leave so bad but I don’t know if I’ve got the guts to go through with it! My whole life will change! I know eventually I would be a lot happier and feel free I just can’t seem to make that leap?!?
8th September 2020 at 3:41 pm #113283FaithinfutureParticipant
Hello! I totally understand what you’re going through. It is my numerous attempt and when speaking to my friends in similar situation, it also took them a while to get the courage to do so. It’s so important to know that the fear of leaving is quite often built up in our minds. I worked myself so bad that I was extremely scared of saying I want to leave. Once it’s done it’s so much easier. I wasn’t able to do it alone. Can you get an emotional support of someone from family, friends or an independent counsellor? I just started divorce proceeding but this time I had to go via solicitors as I know I haven’t got strength to do it. The most important thing is that there are people who can help you if you reach out. All the best and stay strong!!
8th September 2020 at 6:46 pm #113287
I don’t really have many friends anymore, most of my friends i know now are through him so wouldn’t feel comfortable talking to them. I’m close with my mum and sister and I think they would be good to talk too but I wouldn’t know where to start as they think we are all fine.
He has also told me, never to talk about our relationship to anyone, as it’s not there business and that I would look like an idiot if I spoken to them about an argument we had, then we would make up! So I’ve never voiced my opinions to anyone.
I feel like I’m going to burst one day to say ‘I’m not okay, and I’m miserable in this ridiculous relationship’ my partner constantly uploads pictures to social media of meals, days out and holidays so the pictures look like we are having a great life! But little do they know just after that picture I’m Probably crying or being cursed at and that’s it’s all just an act!
I’ve never felt so alone and sad, I know if I left I would start to feel like me again !
8th September 2020 at 7:20 pm #113290KIP.Participant
Please go secretly to your local women’s aid. Ring the national domestic abuse helpline and have a chat. Read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. You need outside support to understand abuse x
9th September 2020 at 5:16 pm #113331HopeLoveHappinessParticipant
The first step is recognising that the relationship is toxic, i think your so brave for coming here. I would definitely speak to your mum and sister, you can only pretend everything is okay for so long. You are so much stronger than you think! You need to think about whats best for you in this situation. Speaking definitely helps, more than any of us realise. X
9th September 2020 at 5:25 pm #113332BeautifuldayParticipant
Hi lovely my situation is very similar I dont have any children and im in a very toxic abusive marriage but yet can’t seem to make that leap like yourself. I also don’t have many friends and my Mother has kind of worked out things aren’t right but I havent told her half of what’s happened. I have sought legal advice and got my ducks in a row , spoke to lovely ladies here yet i still can’t seem to do it 🙁 I feel so weak and ashamed and the fact we dont have children you would think would make it easier isbt it? We are trauma bonded and its so hard. I have tried broaching the sibject of not being happy and wanting to move out but everytime I do he just brushes it under the carpet, doesn’t listen
If i try to talk to him he tells me its “not a good time” or “hes just got in from work so hes tired ” there is never a good time to talk and he will never sit down and have an adult conversation with me, he always carries on doing what he’s doing on phone, in kitchen etc not looking at me when I’m talking so this then gets me annoyed and when I do get annoyed he tells me I’m argumentative and shouting:( so I basically give up and the days go on and on like groundhog day. I feel stuck with no way out . Its just so difficult I really feel for you as I feel the same lovely. Could you try opening up a bit to your mam? Xx
9th September 2020 at 8:55 pm #113345
Hello, thank you for all your comments it really does mean so much to me, especially knowing I am not the only one! I know it may sound strange coming from me but I hope you all find the strength to leave your abusers and are happier than ever for it!
So today I took a big step, I have spoken to a family member and a close friend, Ive also spoken to a wonderful lady at domestic crisis helpline and got some good information. So this is the furthest I’ve ever gone in terms of leaving. My partner is on holiday at the moment and I feel this is the best opportunity to leave and I think I am definitely going to do it this time! I feel focused and realised enough is enough! I deserve better! It won’t be easy but I know in the end it will be worth it. And I will eventually be able to be myself again.
Beautifulday your words are so relatable, I know it’s a horrible feeling to feel. But we have to remember it’s not our fault! They are making us feel like this way! I so admire women that leave with children that must me super hard. Although deep down I dream of having children and know as I am caring/ loving I would be a fantastic mum, But I am kinda glad I don’t have that extra responsibility over me. Also my partner says to me he will never have kids with me until I am smarter and slimmer, I have to learn (detail removed by moderator) each night and he tests me to prove I am learning. I know deep down that’s wrong but I do it! I do a lot of things I don’t want to, because he makes me. I think I have adapted to try not dwell on the bad things he does to me and quickly block them from memory and try make up with him! I think I’ve developed this as a coping mechanism, because if I sat there an remembered every nasty/ painful thing he has done to me I would crumble. So I subconsciously block it out and make up with him. I hate confrontation and the silent treatment so I tend to apologise even if I’m not in the wrong just so we can go back to Noramal.
Anyways on a good note I’m ringing my local refuge tomorrow to see if they have space for me. I’m feeling positive and determined x
9th September 2020 at 9:56 pm #113351BeautifuldayParticipant
You’ve done so much! Well Done you! Im proud of you! I know we all have that strength in us and it does eventually show! Im hoping mine will too and I hope you be out of this situation soon! Can I ask if you dont mind do you have a shared mortgage? If you don’t and are just renting or it’s in his name then pack your stuff and go! I so so wish I had rented with him now or that the house was also in his name but its not so my situstion is I cant just get up and go I really wished I could! I even asked the solicitor if I could just walk out and sign the house over to him without wanting a penny she told me I couldn’t abd that he would need to buy me out and he can’t as his credit score so bad so I’m stuck in this house with him 🙁
I really want to just file fod divorce but I can’t find the strength to do it I feel so scared 🙁
9th September 2020 at 10:16 pm #113352
Luckily we rent, so in terms of commitments we have nothing tying us together. The cars in his name, so when I leave, he will have to keep it (he persuaded me 2 years ago to get rid of my own car, now I know this was a control thing) I can only imagine a Mortgage only adds to your worry, I’m sure your solicitor has got a solution to your problemS, I’m sure if you mention domestic abuse they have to help! Surely they must be some law against it.
I do have a lot of debt in my name, my partner does not work, Ive always worked full time. Me has persuaded me to get many payday loans/ catalogues in my name over the years! I’ve been working at getting the debt down but it’s hard when I’m the only one with income coming in and we have bills to pay too. I’m hoping this time next year I will be debt free.
This forum has really helped me these past couple of days, and I hope anyone reading this will get that encouragement we all need sometimes. I think knowing that what I’m doing is not wrong, and I have got people on my side that this isn’t a normal relationship To be in, genuinely helps. We are not alone x
10th September 2020 at 9:00 pm #113421IwantmebackParticipant
Hi Galaxygirl, I jyst wan’t to say well done in posting. Opening up and admitting our relationship is abusive is the hardest thing to do. It took me over 6 months of talking to my local WA support before I said I was ready to leave, I was offered a lovely 2bed flat and stayed fir over a year. Im now in my own place. I too was financially abused but wasn’t even aware that it was abuse. Cos couples share don’t they and what’s yours is mine and mine is yours, until you’re the one working but have nothing to show fir it, yet your oh has his account in the black(or in some cases the oh doesn’t work at all)
Debt can be managed in bitesize repayments. Get yourself safe and everything else will fall into place in due course. Once you’re away from the abuse you’ll be a lot better equipped to think straight and out forward plans fir your future. It’s not easy but it’s 100x better than living in abuse. Plus you will have a lot more money than you’ve had in a long time. I feel like ive won the lottery sometimes.
Best wishes IWMB 💞💞
10th September 2020 at 9:56 pm #113427LisaMain Moderator
I can see you have already received some invaluable advice and information that I’m sure will prove helpful to you.
It sounds like you are making plans to leave and go into a refuge, so I wish you all the best with this. Know that if your local domestic abuse service doesn’t have space themselves, they can do a search for you in whatever region/s throughout the UK you want so just ask.
Also, you mentioned financial abuse and the debt this has created for you.
The DAME (Domestic Abuse, Money & Education) Project 01323 635 987 or [email protected] can give you advice and possibly support regarding the financial abuse from your perpetrator.
Surviving Economic Abuse (SEA) is an organisation sharing knowledge, resources and information on best practice and research and raise awareness around domestic abuse. Their website includes lots of resources and guides for women experiencing financial abuse. https://survivingeconomicabuse.org/
The National Debt Line gives information and advice on debt; including bank, credit card, finance, mortgage arrears, council tax, hire purchase and utility debts. Issues dealt with include county court, refusal of credit, bank charges, harassment, housing and homelessness and bailiffs. The National Debt line is able to signpost callers, make referrals and can be contacted on 0808 808 4000, 9am – 9pm Mon – Fri, and 9.30am – 1pm Sat, http://www.nationaldebtline.co.uk/.
Turn2Us help people access the money available to them – through welfare benefits, grants and other help based on your particular needs and circumstances. They operate a confidential helpline and on their website have an income-related benefits checker, enabling you to check that you receiving all the welfare benefits you are entitled to. The website includes a grants search containing the details of hundreds of grant-giving charities that may be able to provide financial support, information and resources on a broad range of money matters to help you manage your finances. Contactable on 0808 802 2000, http://www.turn2us.org.uk/.
I hope this is useful to you.
Do take care and let us know how you get on.
All the best,
17th September 2020 at 9:52 pm #113844
So I would like to just update everyone. I have finally taken that huge step and left my abuser! I am currently spending my first night in a women’s refuge! It’s The safest I’ve felt in a long time!
I done it! 😊
17th September 2020 at 10:10 pm #113845KIP.Participant
Wow. That took guts. Well done you. It’s going to be a roller coaster ride to recovery but it is so worth it. Please stay strong. You’re so brave and we are everything without them. They are nothing without us. Be kind to yourself And keep posting for support. Lots of emotions to sort through to just take baby steps x
17th September 2020 at 11:05 pm #113846WaterspriteParticipant
Get you! Go girl! You are sooooo brave!
It will be a rollercoaster but you’ve done the hardest bit!
Baby steps into your future. Feel proud😊
18th September 2020 at 10:21 am #113860
Thank you! Don’t think it has sunk in properly yet but I feel ok, obviously I’m
Sad but trying to keep positive. I had a better nights sleep last night. I had to hide at a friends house for 3 nights before I came to the refuge which was only (detail removed by moderator).
I wouldn’t go out for fear of seeing him as I know he was trying to find me, he actually rang the police to say I was missing! Made me actually feel ill, spoke to my doctor and he said I was suffering from PTSD, I couldn’t keep nothing down, shaking, waking up with palpitations, jumping and shouting in my sleep. So this has ease abit now I’m away, although I feel anxious.
I also feel lost, not sure if that’s normal when you leave an abusive partner? But because I ran everything I done before past him, I feel like who do I ask now? I know I’m an adult and I can do what I want when I want now…… but it just feels weird
18th September 2020 at 10:54 am #113863HazydayzParticipant
Hi, hope your feeling ok today? Your going to feel out of sorts for a while, don’t worry it’s normal to feel as you do after coming out of that life, where you have come from. Just slowly keep moving forward. Baby steps remember! Baby steps to happiness! Take care of you, Enjoy being you, being free!💞
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