2nd March 2020 at 3:07 pm #98635
Hi everyone, I’m new here. I need some help.
I don’t know whether I’m building this up into something when it could very well be nothing. I’m in a (detail removed by moderator) year relationship, very different from anything I’ve ever had before. It moved very very quickly (too quickly in hindsight) and we now live together with my 2 children from my previous marriage.
Where to even start…?
He’s so suspicious. I’m constantly being accused of having affairs, I can’t go out on works night out or nights/day/evenings (whatever) with anyone other than him. I’ve found myself rushing out of work and even on occasion leaving work midway through meetings if they run over because of the suspicion and nasty comments I’ll face and I’ve put off working away because he tells me I’m taking my ‘vadge’ to be a slapper.
I’ve been called names, been told I’m just as bad as my alcoholic mother, I’ve been told I’m a s**g, been told to be quiet, told I’m a disgusting (detail removed by moderator) that I’m not depressed it’s me who makes everyone else miserable, that I blame everyone else for my problems when it’s all me…but. BUT. On the good days it’s amazing. He’s so good with my children. he can be nice, and funny.
I know in my mind that things aren’t good, in fact I’ve ended the relationship, I’m just not sure he believes me as we’ve danced this dance so many times but I’ve always ended up begging him to like me again. I’m determined not to backtrack this time, but it’s so hard. I haven’t fallen out of love with him, I’ve just had my eyes opened.
I don’t even know where I’m going with this 🙁
Is this just a rough patch?
2nd March 2020 at 3:16 pm #98636
Just to add – there’s been no violence, so is it abuse or am I just being oversensitive?????
2nd March 2020 at 3:16 pm #98637
No sadly it’s not a rough patch it’s an abuser at work. Google the cycle of abuse. All those examples are hideous abuse. It creeps up on us but imagine your daughter or sister or best friend explaining that they were being abused this way. It’s not right. It’s coercive control. Contact your local women’s aid for support and read the other posts on here to see you’re not alone x
2nd March 2020 at 3:34 pm #98641
Does he know he’s doing it? I’m so so confused. I can’t wrap my mind round why a person who is ‘in love’ with someone can treat them so badly. Is it fixable?
2nd March 2020 at 7:24 pm #98653Twothirds5Participant
First of all, You need to get out. Do you want your children to hear him speak to you in that way? You are not I’m fairly sure any of those things and so where does he get off saying them?
He is what is called a perpetrator. They damage your confidence, then they isolate you by having you check in to the point where by you actually stop going out or working as that’s easier than having to suffer the barrage of abuse when your meeting over runs by 5 minutes. Once your confidence is shot and he isolates you, that’s it, his got you right where he wants you. You wont leave as he will make you believe you are useless and actually no one else would look twice at you and so you are lucky to have him. Actually – HE is LUCKY TO HAVE YOU!!
You are beautiful, hard working Mum who deserves the freedom to be your own woman with out suffering abuse at the back end of it.
Speak to a friends, explain what’s happening, but you need to keep your eyes wide open and embrace the freedom of leaving him.
Love him you may, but he sounds like he has the act of gas lighting and love bombing down to a fine art in order to pull you back in just when he feels like he has damaged your confidence enough for one day.
Look up Narcissism quotes or memes, google it. If you can relate to at least 3 of the things on the list, Please find the strength to save yourself now, for you and your babies. You got this x
3rd March 2020 at 8:48 am #98669
Thank you both. I’m so angry with myself, I think I’ve always known what was happening yet I’ve just let it continue. I feel so weak. I’ve asked him to leave but he hasn’t got a lot of money so can’t go immediately, but I need to stand strong. I just had a daydream about getting ready with my (non-existent) friends for a (non-existent) girls night out at my house whilst he’s there…I know this could never happen. I don’t feel like I’m in control any more. I have a big birthday coming up this year and it’s really putting things into perspective.
3rd March 2020 at 12:55 pm #98684starqueenParticipant
Yes it is abuse. It doesn’t have to be physical or all the time. Emotional, psychological and verbal abuse are very real and traumatic to experience, and all forms of abusive behaviour can be interspersed with non-abusive behaviour. That doesn’t make the abusive behaviour okay in any way. It’s never okay and you deserve better.
3rd March 2020 at 1:32 pm #98687
Everyone thinks we’ve got a brilliant relationship. Lots of people will be shocked when we split.
He doesn’t like me talking to people about us (or at all really), especially when we’re having a bad time with the arguing, but I’ve confided in 3 people so far (safely) and all 3 have given me their outside in opinion, which is to run. I thought I’d lost my friends due to this relationship but it seems that they’ve just been there waiting for me to return. I’m so happy about this.
The ridiculous thing is, I don’t want anyone to think badly of him, I still love him and feel very protective over him. I’m so stupid.
Now I have my mind set on us splitting up and me having my home back with my children, just us, I can’t think of anything else. It’s like I’ve had a revelation and it’s consuming me all over again but for a different reason.
3rd March 2020 at 1:38 pm #98688
Please remember he is not your responsibility and ending an abusive relationship is really dangerous. He’s programmed you into feeling responsible for him. He’s an adult and he will land on his feet. You need to use your head not your heart at this stage.
3rd March 2020 at 2:07 pm #98689
You are very wise. I fell like I’m in limbo (a word I’ve seen a lot on here) – I’ve said a few times now that there’s no coming back from this, I’m hoping he starts to believe me.
What do I do if he doesn’t????
3rd March 2020 at 2:17 pm #98690
Do you own the house he lives in? Does he have any legal rights to be there? If not I’d change the locks when he’s out and dump his belongings somewhere. At his relatives house and text him to let him know. He’s going nowhere until he’s made to go. He enjoys being there to abuse you. He feels like king of the castle. Try to contact your local women’s aid for support
3rd March 2020 at 2:19 pm #98691
It’s a rented property, in my name, all bills are in my name, the kids aren’t his. This SHOULD be easy.
6th March 2020 at 8:25 am #98821
So he talked me in to trying again, said he’d speak to someone if needed. yeah right. I voiced my concerns last night and asked if he’d looked into counselling but he’s said no point he can do it by himself. he thinks I’ve ended things because I want to go out and get drunk with everyone else and leave him on his own. He’s either being really stubborn, deliberately so, or he just can’t see what he’s doing is wrong.
Or maybe it is me? Maybe I should be grateful he’s still with me despite my mental health problems? I don’t know any more. maybe he’s right.
6th March 2020 at 8:38 am #98826
It’s not you its him. Abusers are great liars and manipulators. It won’t be long before you see his real nasty nature again. Keep a secret journal of his behaviour and how it makes you feel. It’s his behaviour that’s making you ill and confused. That’s why absolutely zero contact is how to break free. Start again. It won’t be long but each time you will get stronger until you see the truth of what he is and what he’s doing to you. Do you have support from women’s aid?
6th March 2020 at 9:01 am #98830
I don’t, not yet. I feel like there’s so many much more deserving women out there, I don’t want to take up the support when they need it more 🙁
I have a friend who works for a women’s support group close to my place of work, I might give her a call.
6th March 2020 at 11:59 am #98839
Please ring them and pop in to see them. You’re the very kind of woman they are superb at helping and offering alternatives. We all deserve help. Knowledge is power. Know what he’s doing and why hes doing it. They really opened my eyes and there was no going back to my abusive life. It was the first step on a long journey and I can never thank them enough.
6th March 2020 at 3:53 pm #98856
My facebook memories has just reminded me of the last night out I had without him there. There’s a photo of me at a (detail removed by moderator) do away from home, and if you zoom in you can see how sad and tired I look, despite the dress and the hair and the make up and the fake smile. I’d been constantly texted, couldn’t breathe despite me being 200 or so miles away from him. Apparently I had my dress (zip front) too low so I could ‘show off my t**s to all the men’ because I’d only gone there to have sex in the toilets or the hotel room. I even paid for my own train ticket home so I could get an earlier train and not get back to my home town at the same time as the (detail removed by moderator) male colleagues I’d travelled with, since he was convinced I’d been sleeping with them.It was so horrible, it was (detail removed by moderator), and it was the last time I attempted to go on a night out without him.
7th March 2020 at 9:49 am #98886starqueenParticipant
I felt similarly to you about ringing the helpline because the abusive behaviour wasn’t physical. It was however having an absolutely disastrous effect on my mental health and wellbeing. I’ve only ever found the helpline and Women’s Aid helpful and compassionate, they’re there to help all women who are suffering abuse. You’re deserving of help, and it a life free of any kind of abuse.
9th March 2020 at 9:13 am #98976
he’s said he’ll speak to someone, and he’ll change. I know, I know, sounds like such a cliche. Could it be that I’ve totally misread all of this? Can people change with the help of relationship counselling?
9th March 2020 at 1:41 pm #98984
No you haven’t mis read any of this. Abusers will say all sorts of lies to regain control. They don’t change and you’re sadly only delaying more pain and abuse. Get him to move out and seek help. Set boundaries. Get him away from you until he’s completed a perpetrator course. If he doesn’t know how to behave by now he won’t change now.
9th March 2020 at 1:55 pm #98985
Would that involve me telling him that I think it’s abuse though? I haven’t dared to use the ‘A’ word. We’ve had a very uneasy (on my behalf) truce (detail removed by moderator) and I’ve sent him the link to relate relationship counselling (detail removed by moderator) as I’ve told him it’s a necessity. He hasn’t thrown it back in my face …yet…
I think I’m being naive? This is the first time I’ve been assertive with the whole splitting up thing, to the point where he’s told his family and they’re upset and worried about losing me from the family. This is a case of when, rather than if, it all starts again isn’t it?
9th March 2020 at 5:18 pm #99003
Yes sadly it’s the cycle of abuse. This sounds like a honeymoon phase where he will be saying all the right things. But there’s no substance. Do not believe a word he says to you. Relationship counselling won’t work but you could find a domestic abuse counsellor and talk through things with her. Just don’t let him know. It’s not naive. You desperately want things to work, you’ve invested a lot in this relationship so it’s painful to face the truth but if you write a list of everything he’s done to you and take a step back. One incident of abuser is enough for a divorce. He will deny he’s being abusive and probably turn it round on you.
10th March 2020 at 8:41 am #99021
He’s said he’s going to speak to his GP about his anger. I really don’t know what to think 🙁
10th March 2020 at 9:01 am #99024
I’m exhausted today. Tired to my very bones. I feel really detached from everything and I’m genuinely just empty. I feel like I’ve checked out of life, like I’ve done so much thinking and had such a storm in my mind that it’s just decided to go ‘nah’
10th March 2020 at 9:26 am #99028
Hi there, your posts sound so similar to my thoughts and feelings. I’ve called in sick at work (detail removed by moderator) but am going into speak to my boss and let her know how much we’re all struggling at home. He blew up again at our son (detail removed by moderator) because he wouldn’t put his mobile phone down and get in the car to be somewhere. He raised his hand as though to hit him and I yelled at him to get away. So he started yelling at me, then started storming around yelling at himself and said (detail removed by moderator) at which all the children were crying. I was very tearful but managed to comfort and console them all, even our (detail removed by moderator) was in bits. He went out in the car but came back (detail removed by moderator) later so they all calmed down. He has decided that our son should not have his mobile back until he is mature enough to handle it OMG! Talk about double standards. I have remained calm and civil but am sick and tired of his behaviour. Of thinking about how we can be better,of wondering if and when the next fall out will occur. of how and why I’ve put up with this for so long, frightened for my childrens mental well being and so stunned by his inability to take responsibility for his own actions.
Sorry for ranting on your post confusedallthetime. Take care x
10th March 2020 at 9:49 am #99033
Please, rant away KitKat44. It’s a horrendous, helpless feeling. I don’t want it to be over, I don’t want to give up, I don’t want to forget about the good times. But i think I might have checked out of the relationship already. I’m so cynical, and doubtful, but then I think ‘well he’s said he’ll change and he’ll get help so surely I owe him a chance to be different?’
10th March 2020 at 9:59 am #99034
You’ve got it spot on. Although mine has never said he’d get help, I suggested it (detail removed by moderator) but he didn’t answer me.
I’m trying to get through to the DA advice line but I not sure what I need them to say, starting to feel very nervous about actually speaking to my boss about how and why I’m struggling at present xx
10th March 2020 at 10:15 am #99038
I’ve started to have some tentative conversations with people. I actually started counselling a short while ago, and it was the question my psychologist asked about whether I can speak with my partner about my depression and anxiety that prompted me to start admitting to myself, and then vocalising, what has been happening. I said I couldn’t talk to him about it, and when he asked me why I tried to explain what my partner is like without actually explaining what he’s like. Does that make sense? I had thoughts and feelings about what has been happening but that one question made me question everything and start to seek support.
So that’s currently where I’m at xx
10th March 2020 at 2:43 pm #99058
It’s good you have some people to talk to. I was petrified of opening up but feel some relief now.
I understand what you mean, it feels like you are being disloyal. I reminded myself I have nothing to be ashamed of and for that conversation although I was very upset I felt brave too.
Take care xx
10th March 2020 at 3:34 pm #99059
Disloyal. Yes. Strange isn’t it? I think it’s because he’s always said he doesn’t want me to talk about us to anyone else. Thought he was just a very private person at first….but now I see why.
I’m still veering between being madly in love with him (and wanting to see the very best in him) and being cold and emotionally unavailable. I feel slightly crazy xx
10th March 2020 at 5:11 pm #99064
He absolutely doesn’t want you to talk about his behaviour. He knows what he’s doing. He chooses to behave this way x
11th March 2020 at 10:50 am #99101
I’m starting to waver a bit. He said he’s going to speak to his GP about his anger and showed me the attempted calls to get through to the surgery on his phone. Could it be that he really wants to change?
12th March 2020 at 7:55 am #99150OnlyintimeParticipant
Hi confused. I just wanted to show u some support. My perp also said he would change, go to counselling go to the doctors..stop dragging his finger across the top of the tv looking for dust. He hasn’t changed he didnt go to the doctor and he certainly did just drag his finger across the tv looking for dust. Why? Because he doesnt thi k he has a problem..or is the problem. I would be wary of their false promises because as I have sadly found out…these changes dont last long and it’s not that long until the next outburst. If he really does want to change let him prove it time and time again. It’s difficult when we love the ones who crush us. Thoughts are with u and all of us. X*x
12th March 2020 at 9:14 am #99152
No, he doesn’t want to change. A few missed calls to the doctor isn’t changing. It’s manipulating. If he doesn’t know how to behave by now then he never will. He simply chooses to act this way doe his own selfish gains. If he had changed he would be respecting your wishes. It’s beyond devastating to be abused by someone you love and you think loves you in return. Once you accept this it will make it easier to walk away. Draw a line to what you want and stick to it. Don’t deviate, don’t allow him to change that line.
12th March 2020 at 9:53 am #99155
Spoiler alert: He’s not going to change. I’ve had some very good advice today so am going to start getting the ball rolling. he’s got until the end of the month to get out.
12th March 2020 at 10:00 am #99156
If you have told him this In his mind he’s got till the end of the month to change your mind or aggressively hurt you into submission. This is the most dangerous time for you. Please be very very careful. I underestimated this stage because he had always become nice and reasonable in the past but that was the honeymoon part of the cycle and that only came once he had got what he wanted. This time I wasn’t backing down so no honeymoon came, just aggression, dragging our children into it, dragging some woman into it to rub my nose in it and eventually a serious assault when all else failed. Protect yourself and your family from him. As absurd as that may sound at the moment. You’re going to need to x stay safe and keep posting. Many women have been through this and it’s all predictable, sadly x for what it’s worth, there is light at the end of the tunnel. My life is fantastic, I’m free and I feel like I’ve been given a second chance. I deserved so much more and so do you x
12th March 2020 at 11:15 am #99163
Yeah – he doesn’t believe me. He sent me some very bizarre messages last night, like everything was okay. It freaked me out a bit.
12th March 2020 at 12:13 pm #99167
He’s looking for a reaction from you. He wants a reaction so he can carry on his mind games and manipulation and gaslighting. Don’t give him a reaction and I’d also block his number.
12th March 2020 at 12:17 pm #99168
I’m not sure whether that would just inflame things, whilst he’s still living with me. I feel like I could sleep for a weak, my mind is so tired.
12th March 2020 at 12:48 pm #99170
If you can’t block him can you get a new cheap phone to use or a new sim and change your number? It’s exhausting dealing with an abuser. I blocked his number when we were together. He’s going to be angry and aggressive anyway. If it’s not over the phone it will be something else. You may need the police to remove him. He’s going nowhere till he made to and I’d advise you to get help.
12th March 2020 at 12:52 pm #99171
Thank you KIP. You have been such a wonderful support to me
12th March 2020 at 1:09 pm #99172
You will get through this. If I can do it after decades then you can too 💕
13th March 2020 at 8:17 am #99192
Now he’s demanding money from me before he leaves, money that’s stacked up on credits cards while we’ve been together and stuff. I know that money hasn’t all gone on me, equally I’ve paid rent and bills over the last few years, sometimes he’s paid towards, sometimes he hasn’t needed to. Just how normal relationships work or so I thought? Now he wants money I don’t have before he leaves.
13th March 2020 at 8:45 am #99198
He’s going to make all sorts of demands that you can’t meet. Mine cancelled all direct debits and wanted me to pay half the bills knowing I couldn’t. It’s not up to him to demand anything. It’s just an excuse. Even if you give him money, he’s going nowhere or he’s coming back. I’d ring the police and ask them for advice on how to remove him before it gets any more dangerous. Do not listen to a word he says. It’s delusional nonsense and get your name off any joint credit cards or bank accounts etc or he can run up huge debt in your name. Give citizens advice a ring about joint debt. He thinks he has the upper hand where you’re concerned so do you have anyone who can talk to him and get him out for you.
13th March 2020 at 9:00 am #99200
We don’t have anything in joint names, absolutely nothing thankfully.
13th March 2020 at 9:06 am #99202
Then he has absolutely nothing to bargain or threaten you with in that department. Keep a journal of all his threats and anything he puts in a text or email. He’s blackmailing you. Perhaps ring the police for advice. Tell them you’re frightened of him and need help getting him out safely. They may come round and be there until he leaves. Don’t underestimate him and don’t think you can deal with this on your own.
13th March 2020 at 9:08 am #99203
How have I got myself in this situation…
13th March 2020 at 9:11 am #99204
You haven’t. He has.
13th March 2020 at 10:02 am #99206
You need your money for you and your kids. Don’t let him bully you x
13th March 2020 at 11:18 am #99211
13th March 2020 at 11:21 am #99212
I bought the freedom programme online. Lots of it resonated, especially the Jailer and the Headworker. Some of the Liar and the Bully.
13th March 2020 at 2:46 pm #99219
Yep. I was so shocked when I read that I thought someone had written it about my ex. I didn’t realise they all use the same tactics.😮
13th March 2020 at 2:51 pm #99221
Well, my boys are staying elsewhere from tomorrow afternoon for the foreseeable and I’ve told my partner this. I don’t want them in this environment so he needs to shift pretty quickly as I’m not having them living elsewhere for long
13th March 2020 at 3:26 pm #99222
He’s going nowhere. It’s him not your children that needs to go. Eventually you will need to involve the police. Don’t let your kids miss out on you because of his behaviour. Have you spoken to the police for some advice?
13th March 2020 at 3:38 pm #99225HeadspinningParticipant
Yes I agree with KIP. By your boys going he is just getting another little victory – isolating you more from what you care about.
I totally agree your boys should not be in this environment but I would do just about anything to make sure it was him going not them.
Mine suggested I tell my 2 teenagers to go and live with their dad for a month because we needed to work on our relationship- selfish sod and not a chance!
Could you just change the locks when he is out and drop his stuff off elsewhere? Is he known to the police?
I don’t think he is going to go at the end of the month. He is going to use every trick to wear you down and what happens at the end of the month if he doesn’t go?
16th March 2020 at 8:29 am #99341
Update = He’s agreed to leave at the end of the month. he’s actively looking for a new place and he’s done all the ‘social media separation’ things. he’s been nothing but civil, and he’s been keeping out of my way. The boys going has spooked him, and he’s accepted things are over. He’s told his family and friends. I went out yesterday for a few hours to meet a friend and it felt so strange! I’m going out for tea on Friday too (haven’t told him yet, but I will).
He’s also told me he’ll stay out of the way if I bring my boys home – I’m not doing this yet as I want to see how long this lasts.
But….I’m officially single and feeling quite hopeful of getting my life back soon…
16th March 2020 at 8:38 am #99342
This is the most dangerous time for you and your family. His calmness is very well covering a plan to punish you badly. Two women per week are killed by partners or ex partners. Don’t be fooled by his outward behaviour. My ex was all amicable and even shook my hand! Shortly after he was physically attacking me. He could leave right now and sofa surf which is what I’d do. Why would you hang around someone who has dumped you? Bringing your boys home fills me with fear when he’s suggesting it. Stay safe. Don’t believe a word he says no matter what he puts on social media. Very often that’s a deliberate ploy to destabilise you.
16th March 2020 at 8:44 am #99343
Thanks KIP. I’m not being lulled into a false sense of security – I’m more alert now than I probably ever have been. I have a support system around me, people literally on speed dial if I need them, and clear direction to call the police if he boots off.
16th March 2020 at 3:14 pm #99355OnlyintimeParticipant
I’m so proud of you. Well done. X*x
16th March 2020 at 3:18 pm #99358
Thank you. I feel like I’m hyper-alert. Not sure I’ve slept properly for ages, I saw every hour again last night.
His family are gutted, they don’t want to lose me from their family but they respect my wishes (they don’t know the reasons why though)
16th March 2020 at 3:31 pm #99360
Hi confused, if he’s anywhere near you or you’re alone with him then you’re already lulled into a false sense of security. You are hyper alert for a very good reason.
17th March 2020 at 9:29 am #99402
He wants to be friends with benefits…I’ve put that idea straight in the bin and made it VERY clear
17th March 2020 at 9:37 am #99403
Yep. Exactly what mine tried. If it gets him to move out sooner then suggest date nights once he’s moved out then Tell him you’ve change your mind change the locks x it shows the absolute lack of depth of feelings when they suggest this. Just an object for them to stick their d..k in. Get him out x
17th March 2020 at 9:40 am #99405
I think it’s because his ego is bruised. He wants some control back and he’ll get it this way (in his mind).
17th March 2020 at 10:51 am #99408
Yes I was forced to have sex after an outburst. I think it makes them feel the power again. In control. It’s another reason for him to become violent. You’ve take away another piece of his power. Another thing he cannot control.
18th March 2020 at 12:05 pm #99472
I’m waiting for a call back from a local domestic abuse charity after a chat with my counsellor. Last night when he got home instead of saying ‘how are you’ he went straight into ‘who have you heard from, what have you been talking to them about, what did they want etc etc etc’. When I pointed out that he’d started prying immediately and why didn’t he ask how I was instead of what I was doing he called me a d******d and told me he didn’t care how I was as we’re not together any more.
The (detail removed by moderator) he was pressuring me for sex.
He’s king of the castle at the moment, he’s paid me (detail removed by moderator) this month and I’ve paid for absolutely everything – rent, bills, food, my petrol, my own bills….I’ve got (detail removed by moderator) left until I get paid. Yet he can’t afford to move out? If I ask him for more money he’ll say it’ll delay him moving won’t he?
I can’t live with this uncertainty and unpredictability any more so I’m asking for advice. I need to know my legal rights if he boots off again – can I just pack his stuff while he’s out and leave it in the garage, and not let him back in?
18th March 2020 at 1:22 pm #99475
I can’t give you legal advice but I couldn’t do this because his name was on the mortgage. If it was my house in my name, I’d change the locks. Dump this stuff with a friend or relative and tell him if he returns you will ring the police. Do you have someone who can help you?
18th March 2020 at 2:00 pm #99479
I am being allocated a domestic abuse support worker who will ring me in a couple of days. I have family in another city who have said I can stay with them if things get heated, but I’ve just been told that he has no legal right to be here and I can call the police to get him removed.
I have this option. The domestic abuse safeguarding team can help with extra security on my home.
I am lining my ducks up in a row.
18th March 2020 at 2:09 pm #99480CecileParticipant
Please get him out. Reading through your posts, the patterns of behaviour are the same I have belatedly experienced as my marriage is ending. I was warned to be careful but thought I could handle it. It’s hard to believe that even in the dying throes of a relationship they just don’t get it. You need to get him now And stop being further isolated from your kids as well. Stop feeling sorry for him. He is playing you. ❤️
18th March 2020 at 3:34 pm #99484
I’ve just heard the schools are shutting on Friday so can you change the locks and dump his stuff and then stay with family in another city for a week or so? I’d ring the police and let Them know. But don’t tell him what you’re doing or threaten him with the police. Just go ahead and use them.
18th March 2020 at 3:45 pm #99486
The children can stay where they are now without me taking them to another City which is probably preferable to upheaval for them. I miss them immensely but I don’t want them here at the moment. I know what everyone is saying about not alienating myself from them but this is Mama Bear kicking in. I’ll sacrifice a few nights with them to get things sorted here.
I feel stronger by the day – I recognise that might mean I’m in danger but I need to get my thoughts in order. I’m telling him to leave again tonight.
18th March 2020 at 3:53 pm #99488
He will harm you and what will your children do then? Be safe and do it with the help of the police.
19th March 2020 at 5:33 pm #99546CamelParticipant
Dearest KIP, you give the best and most direct advice always x
I was just thinking about a traumatic break up I had years back. He was the love of my life (at the time) but after some years living and working together he fell out of love with me and into lust with a girl who worked alongside us both. Of course, our relationship ended then but as we lived together I said he could stay. I was trying to be grown up but naturally it couldn’t work for long. After a week I told him he had to go. I packed up his things in bin bags and off he went. He understood.
I’m describing this break up for a reason. Because it’s how normal, non-abusive relationships end.
You find yourself in an untenable situation. Sadly, it’s not unique but hopefully my story will remind you what a good break up looks like.
KIP is right that you are not safe. You don’t need to cajole and persuade him to go. You can change your mind on the deadline and don’t need to justify it. You need him out right now.
My skin crawled when I thought of having to isolate with my abuser. Please don’t imagine that the virus is any reason for him to stay. Don’t let him use this as an excuse. His family is more obligated to house him than you are.
Neither are his finances any concern of yours. You’re better off getting him out and managing the bills yourself than having him there and using money to further control you.
If I was in your position I’d do things in this order…
1. Get the locks changed when he’s out.
2. Bag up his belongings. (Take photos to show nothing is damaged.)
3. Call WA and the police to tell them what you are doing and that you are scared.
4. Drop off his belongings with one of his family.
5. Arrange to stay elsewhere. Take everything of value with you, including all paperwork, your kids’ stuff and anything sentimental.
6. Leave your phone number with an immediate neighbour so they can let you know if he kicks off in your absence. Don’t tell them where you’re going.
7. Message him to let him know where his belongings are.
8. Hold your ground. Don’t get into arguments or discussions with him. Keep a record of all communication and call the police if he gets angry or threatens you, your children or your property.
9. Let the police know when you move back in so they can put you on rapid response.
I know this will come across as extreme but as KIP has said already, this is the most dangerous time for you. You should avoid confronting him (and giving him another deadline is confrontation.) Don’t imagine that things won’t get ugly just because he hasn’t got physical before. If I was in your shoes I’d look at building physical distance and finding somewhere else to live with your boys.
Remember my story about what a good break up looks like and compare that to what you’re going through now.
I’m sorry if this has scared you. But almost every day I read in the papers about another assault or murder by a ‘jealous’ ex and it makes me physically sick. Rarely do these women know what’s coming. I wish you great strength right now. x
23rd March 2020 at 8:22 am #99685
He’s gone. I have my house back and my boys. It’s been a long upsetting weekend and I’m heartbroken, missing him desperately every second of the day. But this too shall pass.
I’m still going to post, I’m sure I’m going to need just as much support now as ever, but I just wanted to say thank you to you all x
23rd March 2020 at 9:07 am #99686
Never doubt that you absolutely did the right thing, next is to go total zero contact and not allow his dysfunctional influence back into your life. It’s like breaking a drug habit. It will be difficult but you can get through this. Just write down all the bad things he’s done to you when you feel weak and come on here. This is still a dangerous time and you can bet he’s festering somewhere. Stay alert x
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