I don’t understand his recent actions

[Faceless]

Hi all. I am sorry if I go on a bit here, but I’m at a complete loss as to know what to do anymore. I have had a hard time with all of this from the beginning (well, not quite, but after I had got reeled in and believed my husband to be the man he’s not).

I’ve been with my present husband for (detail removed by Moderator) years and we purchased a house together while I was waiting for my divorce to come through. At the time I still had my name on the house with my soon-to-be ex, so we were informed that the best way forward was to put the mortgage and deeds in my present husband’s name and I could be added at a later date. I therefore paid the deposit, (he had no money put away) and I assumed that all would work out ok. How wrong, stupid and naïve was I? To this date, he has found excuse after excuse not to put my name on either and says that the house will go to me when he dies, so what’s the difference.

I already had two children from my first marriage, but they were at (detail removed by Moderator) and when they came home they would sometimes come to us, and other times to their dad’s. For a while it was hard for them to accept, but eventually they got on reasonably well. We had a child together ourselves, so things started looking good. Unfortunately, money issues became a problem (my ex wasn’t supporting our kids, so my present hubby stood in). The problem was, their dad continually lied to them and said differently, making out that he was doing is fatherly duties. This therefore became a mega issue which ended up making my husband turn against my eldest two and they now don’t have anything to do with each other.

Soon I was to hear that I was to be a grandma, to which I was elated, but to this day my husband has not acknowledged that fact. Soon after we heard the news, I found out that my husband had opened (detail removed by Moderator) bank accounts in his sole name (detail removed by Moderator). We have always had a joint account, so this became quite a shock to me. He said to me that any of his money, is only to be spent on ‘us’ and I’m not allowed to use any of it on my other kids/grandchild. (detail removed by Moderator) he got a reasonably good salary but I have not had any access to it as he says “its my money, not yours”. He transferred some to cover some of his share of the bills and tells me what my money is to go on when it goes into the account. I have to account for everything I buy, and write it down, or tell/show him receipts so he can write it down. If my youngest asks if we can go to the shop I have to say that she’ll have to ask her dad as I have no money. He’ll transfer the money for her or let her have his sole bank card. I also was told by my youngest (she’s now (detail removed by Moderator)) that I wasn’t to let on that she had got his wallet out from its ‘hiding place’ in front of me!. Another thing I noticed was, when he asked me to make a phone call from his phone, I couldn’t access it like I used to be able to do (we knew each others codes, and never had issues with each other seeing our phones). My youngest made a comment to him saying “she doesn’t know your new code”, and he laughed and said something along the lines of “oh yeah, I forgot about that, its also facial recognition, so she can’t get access, haha”. I therefore just handed him his phone and he made the call.

I feel like I am the child. I feel lost and utterly confused and extremely hurt. He confides and talks more to our child than he ever does me and I’m starting to wonder whether this is abuse or not? Am I taking things out of context and reading more into this than I should be? I don’t know what to do any more. I have obviously discussed a few things about this with my eldest and she desperately wants me to leave him, but I already lost one house and I don’t want to lose this one. I’ve been really trying to make things good between us, but I’m struggling to even like him right now. Any advice would be gratefully appreciated.

Again, I apologise for having moaned on and on, but I need someone to talk this through with. I find it so hard as although I have lived here for (detail removed by Moderator) years, I still don’t have anyone I can confide in about these issues.

Thanks for reading/listening.
Faceless

[KIP.]

Hello and welcome. You need to speak to a solicitor as soon as possible. Most offer free legal advice initially so have a list of questions ready. Who told you it was best to put the deeds in his name? Did you put the deposit down for the house? If you did this with your own money before you married you may well be able to use that against him. However my understanding is once married the starting point for splitting assets is 50/50. He’s financially abusing you. Probably cheating on you too which is very common for abusers. He’s not locking his phone for no reason. My ex used to take his phone to the toilet with him. Watch out for other signs. Having a separate bank account so you can’t see what he’s spending it on. Being away from home. Buying new clothes for himself, aftershave etc. He’s also isolating you from people which is another tactic. Your child is telling you to leave him so they know it’s abuse. Sometimes abuse becomes normal to us that we don’t see it like others do. Financial abuse is another means of control. Talk to your local women’s aid or ring the national domestic abuse helpline. Have a look at Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. Once you know where you stand financially via a solicitor it might make you stronger about ending things. Abusers are liars. How do you know you will get the house if he dies? Do you both have a will? If you die first you might want your children to get a share of the value of the property. It’s not his decision to make. You will have rights to his pension too. Don’t tell him what you’re doing but start taking legal advice and don’t believe a word he says. It sound like he’s setting you up to leave you with absolutely nothing.

[KIP.]

Look back over your relationship and write down all the things he’s done that have made you feel uneasy or abused. Keep a secret journal of his behaviour now and you can read it and see a pattern of behaviour. Google gaslighting. Cognitive dissonance. the power and control wheel. Never underestimate these men x

[Faceless]

Thank you for your reply. I am going to look into a few things you have mentioned. Part of me wants to be able to explain everything that has happened, but that’s not what everyone is here for. I just know that I have been so stupid over the last (detail removed by Moderator) years for believing he was a decent bloke. I will try and seek some further advice, but I worry that I don’t have enough proof of anything. I have kept a diary of sorts, but its been the odd day here and there over the last (detail removed by Moderator) years, so its not a great start. I am going to try hard to make a note of everything from now on. I think you are right in the fact that he’s wanting to leave me with nothing, and I feel so alone and pathetic. I will certainly google your suggestions so I can try and understand more of what I am trying to deal with. It sounds like my eldest understands more of what is happening than I do and I find that pretty humiliating. I appreciate your advice on this KIP, thank you xx

[KIP.]

I lived with abuse for decades and I had no idea. My ex blamed me for everything and I blamed myself too. I was too slow, not good enough, not affectionate enough. The goal posts kept moving and I was left spinning for decades. My kids saw the abuse but I think it became normal for us all. It’s a shock to accept that someone we loved and thought loved us in return is actually trying to destroy us so take baby steps and be kind to yourself. We are brainwashed and programmed by these men to do their bidding. He’s not your friend and he has no ones interest at heart but his own.

[Hetty]

I’ve had to leave a house I didn’t own in terms of deeds due to circumstances when the house was bought. I have contributed more thank half for years and we are married. You can apply for something called registering your rights. This means that he can’t sell the house from under you. I’ve not looked into it fully myself yet but if you google you’ll find info. It looks fairly simple and doesn’t cost anything or very very little. Might be a good starting point. He would be notified though so you’d have to wait until the right (safest) time to do that xx

[Faceless]

I am so very sorry that I haven’t made any responses to your messaages Kip and Hetty. I have basically been living up in my bedroom and have cut myself off from everything, even this forum. I am finding things are really hard, but I did make some enquiries with a solicitor. The problem is that unless I can prove that he has been abusive to me, I have to pay for further help, and I cannot afford that at all. I feel pathetic right now, and my head is all over the place. I had completely forgotten all of my sign in details for this site as well which didn’t help with me being able to reply and I couldn’t find the energy to sort it out. I really do appreciate your comments, and I am going to see what details I can find out. I was going to try and get one of the forms to register my rights, but he has either moved, or shredded all the paperwork we had regarding the title deeds etc. He controls all the money so I cannot purchase one. At the moment, I am not included in anything that he arranges with our daughter and not once does he ever take me anywhere without our daughter (in all honesty I cannot remember the last time we ever went out together). I don’t want to continue with this relationship, but I am at a loss as to where and what I should do as I can’t afford to take him to court.
I apologise for rattling on again, and possibly repeating myself, as well as sounding completely childish. but I did just want to reply to your messages, even if it has taken me nearly half a year in which to do it.!
Thank you x

[diymum@1]

I think it’s important too note the fact that he is recruiting your child into his secrecy is not a good sign. It’s not healthy for your child and you need to be really wary that he will turn him/her against you xx he sounds n**********c tbh I’d concentrate on proving financial abuse. Then surely you’d get legal aid. Have you got written examples maybe back date a diary of every thing that’s happened I did this it is counted as evidence xx tell your GP how you feel this is abuse it’s domestic financial and emotional abuse xx

[Faceless]

Hi DIYMUM

Thank you for your reply. My daughter who is unfortunately caught in the middle is an adult herself now, (only just!), and she has said many a time that she knows what her dad is like, but like you say, it isn’t healthy or even good for her. She’s like our “go-between” now, and I know that is not fair at all. She hates the fact that he won’t include her half sister and brother and her neices in our lives, but it’s completely out of both of our controls. We now just go to my other kids’ places without him now, and it’s been that way for many years now. I unfortunately don’t have any proof that he controls the money, how would I do this? I have been writing in a diary for many years, but its very sporadic and I think the last time I wrote in it was at least a year ago. I kept meaning to keep writing, but I’ve been so low, that even doing that is a chore to even contemplate. I don’t know how I also can prove that the money for the house deposit was from my account, as I have no paperwork to the fact, especially now that he’s hidden or gotten rid of all the original Mortgage paperwork. I have always been too afraid to tell my GP anything, as I can never get to speak to the only one I like in our practice. Again, due to this, I just keep putting it off. I have become a prisoner in my own home, and I’ve lost all my self respect. I am at the doc surgery (detail removed by Moderator) for a general blood pressure check, so I might try and see when the doctor might be available for me to book a future appointment.
I really appreciate your response, as you have highlighted a few things that I have been neglecting to do, which I must try and carry out, so thank you so very much.xx

xx

[diymum@1]

Your very welcome xx you could always back date a diary it might be quite cathartic too. Tell the GP what has happened in the past explain how anxious all of this has made you. Dosent the lawyer have copies of the documents. What you probably need to prove is coercive control ? Xx there’s lots of stuff on line on proving this x I know it’s tiring but just do abit at a time xx

[diymum@1]

Sorry I’m repeating myself just read back !

[Lottieblue]

Hello @faceless,

I just wanted to say please never apologise for coming on here seeking help. Most of us feel utter despair at some point or other, and this is certainly the best place to come for advice and support – both of which are absolutely crucial.

Have you contacted Women’s Aid? You can call (or, usually, but perhaps not now) visit your local branch, or the main number on this site, or there’s live chat too. Even the smallest steps can make you feel stronger – and remember, knowledge is power.

Do try to make sure, too, that you speak to your GP. Once you start getting the support you need you will start to feel stronger. And keep coming back here. The cumulative experience of all the wonderful people on here is worth so much.

LB 💕💕💕

[Orangerainbow]

My ex used to do this with my daughter. I felt I was at the bottom of the pecking order. He would take her to do the food shopping, he got her to ask me for the checks from my job..for her to give them to him. I was not aloud to be paid in cash. To this day she has chosen him and keeps me at arms length. He made their relationship special..until he dropped her when he found a womsn. My daugher was devastated. Its abusive.

[foxsbiscuits]

Hi @faceless,

I agree with every response on this discussion but would like to add and highlight one thing: make sure he doesn’t know that you’re aware of your abuse and that you’re taking steps to leave!!

From my understanding he’s the type of person to go through your things so don’t leave any trace as this could make things worse. Stable, mentally healthy and honest people like us have a tendency to want to talk things through. Very very very bad idea with an abuser. Big mistake.

All the best!

[Pears2021]

Hi, I think this is financial abuse. I also think he is using your child against you. And is ridiculing you in front of your children.

[Author]

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