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Sitting in my car trying to hold it together.
I dont want to go home.
I dont want to go home to him.
I am still feeling positive about my new work opportunity and I start my course (detail removed by moderator) but I have this feeling so strong today
I dont want to go home.
I hate this life I hate feeling this way I hate having to justify everything watch what i say where i go who i talk too.
Ive had enough all of a sudden I just wanna scream. -
Nbumblebee….I completely understand where you’re coming from. Just remember how strong you are ! Can you go somewhere in your car and just pull over and scream and cry. I also hit the steering wheel ( but I wouldn’t advise that!). You could make it a regular thing…some people find it releases some of their tensions!
Take care honey and keep posting x -
Nbumblebee,
I feel your upset and pain. On the rare occasion I could go out alone I used to cry all the way home. What perpetrators do not realise is when we are out or at work we are surrounded by ‘normality’, people relating and conversing in a normal way and it merely serves to remind us the way our lives have become and making it all the more upsetting when we have to return to it.
Do you have an exit plan or strategy? I now so wish I had found this forum years ago, it would have helped give me the courage to leave much sooner.
Thinking of you, returning home to them I remember so well. Heartbreaking and soul destroying. The home is where we should feel the safest and for some it is the least safe place in our world.
Sending you big hugs.
Xx -
Reading this has reminded me that I’ve forgotten what normality is. I can go days without seeing or speaking to another soul apart from him. But I do remember years ago, sitting in the car with tears streaming down my face because I just didn’t want to go home, and that was when life was relatively normal.
I wish I had listened to that inner voice back then, when I was stronger and had a chance of getting out. -
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Just wanted to send some support. I too remember those days. Sitting in the car at the bottom of the street for ages, not wanting to go home or driving aimlessly round and round. It means you’re becoming stronger. You’re beginning to realise that you deserve more. You deserve better x
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I used to do this , just get in the car wanting to escape, driving round & round in tears not advisable, wanting a way out , hurt and tired from the last episode of torture , talking to my friends on hands free , sobbing as to what to do . He stopped me going out in my car as I was taking too long for a drive or going to the shop , I was timed .
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I went home I had too and as soon as i walked in he started shouting (detail removed by moderator) moaning that i wasnt home as i was at work how i need to quit just on and on at me and then yet again came the accusations of having an affair i just wanted to curl up into a ball and never be seen. He said (detail removed by moderator). After such a long calm spell his anger and nastiness has shaken me this week his rage has been frightening.
Had (detail removed by moderator) he wanted to be seen to be there to support our friends. He was all funny and kind and everyones frind he later told me (detail removed by moderator). Makes me sick to my stomach how he behaves in front of others.
I hate him but I hate myself more for hating him.
I am really seeing arent I like for real this time no pretending no doubting this really is my c****y life isnt it?
I am so done so sad so down i just want to run away and never ever look back but i cant im too scared i dont want to lose the good in my life.
@kip you are right i am getting stronger in a weird sort of way im sadder than ive ever ever felt but I also feel determined like ive never felt before. Ive got to figure this out whilst i still can b4 he takes it all away cause it will happen hes gonna get so much worse and i need to be ready. I need to think now really think about where now about where i can go if it gets too bad about saving money gotta get myself better and stronger right now im such a mess.
Thank you for your love means so much xxxx -
Get your ducks on a row. He senses you’re getting stronger, standing up to him. Having things in your life that you are achieving and making you happy and that will increase his abuse. Plan a safe exit plan. Just go through the motions as if your mind is made up but you have that buffer of telling yourself you’re not ready. It’s all ‘just in case’. Tell him nothing. Hold onto that feeling. It will drive you forward. It’s a cycle of abuse and he’s following that pattern.
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Thank you @kip Ive still not done this safety plan even after being here all this time it just seems so overwelming like if I do it I am really accepting its the A word and im still struggling with that.
I know especially now i need to do it I was so very afraid of him the otber night so I know its time but doing it is so much harder than saying I will even thinking about a plan makes me feel so anxious so guilty. Xx -
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Thinking of you nbumblebee, as hard as it is, I can hear your strength in your posts. Baby steps is all you need. mind yourself xx
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I feel like that too this evening. Don’t know what is right anymore. Get anxious way more easily than I ever would have before, questioning everything. Questioning getting this far, how much further must I go. Can I do it. i think its just being so tired from it all. That’s surely part of it. I feel if I could just escape it all for a while, pretend its not happening. Would that help. Then again, that’s probably me just wanting to put my head in the sand again.
Hope your ok and get some peace and sleep x*x -
No not just you sweetie i feel that way too i just wish i could close my eyes and make it all go away. Am so with you there my love.
Its all just so hard too hard some days but sweetie each morning we rise and we always will right cause we are so much stronger than they will ever know we have to be.
Sending you much love xxxx
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Nbumblebee you’ve achieved a lot over the past few months (things you thought you’d never be able to do) you are getting stronger and though you said you’d never be able to leave him I wouldn’t even rule that out anymore because of how you’ve grown, your finding yourself again and the fact you don’t want to be in the same space as him speaks volumes (I can fully relate to my body/instincts preferring to be away from someone than being in their space) listen to it it knows best, it’s teaching you 🌳🧚🏻♀️🌳
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Thank you. I am no way brave enough to ever leave i feel like i am nothing without him even though i fight him each and every day i just feel if i left it would all fall apart. Im too scared too chicken to even think about leaving but if i am being totally honest I wish I could I really do a life without his nastiness his hurtful comments his put downs would be amazing it really would but for me it wont happen.
I just need to concentrate on getting stronger and keep fighting. Sending you hugs and Thanks x -
Not yet but one day you might, you’ll be a better, happier, freer person away from him not nothing, you achieve more when your away from him, maybe write down the pros and cons of staying and the same for leaving (obviously don’t let him see it) you won’t be nothing your a survivor of horrendous experiences some people will never have to go through, he’s just mirroring everything back to you of what you think and feel about yourself but your not and “never” will be nothing. never ever 🤗😙🤗
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💖💕💖
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Started my course today had a great day was buzzing so happy so content then he came home and it all went away so fast.
@Auriel your words were so needed today. Again thank you xxxxx-
Always welcome Angel 💛😙💛
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It’s what they do @nbumblebee, lull us into false sense of security. The longer the calm spell, the more we get pulled in to believing that everything will be alright. Only to be disappointed over and over again.
You had a good day with your course. “Buzzing so happy so content” please try and hold on to that feeling. When he tries to ruin it, remember, you are doing something you love for you, and there is nothing wrong with that. You have so much inner strength, I wish you could see it.
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Thank you so much darkness.
Ive never thought of myself as strong always the weak one after all i choose to stay here that shows weekness not strength.
I am trying to hold onto the good feeling im trying to find some good some pride in myself im trying to tell myself i am doing well but sadly the other voice is louder and its hard to not listen to it in fact i am struggling very much today but Im determined to stick in there and to keep trying. Thank you for all your support. Xxxxx
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Hiya. Dr Ramani s video on Radical Acceptance might be useful. It doesn’t paint either radical acceptance or denial and holding on to hope as easy. There are no immediate rainbows for us in these relationships or in extricating ourselves from them. I found the video useful though, as it helped me see through the tangle of my emotions and thoughts when everything just seemed bewildering and crazy making
Take care.
GR x-
Thank you @Greyrock I will take a look.
You are deffo right about the crazy making sends you mad all this doesnt it?
The other day I was(detail removed by moderator) went back to my car and it wasnt where i had left it, it was in a bush i had left the handbreak on id not eaten for a few days and my head was a mess id just forgotten to put it on and the car had rolled across(detail removed by moderator) i was so lucky it wasnt busy and my car hit a bush not another car or worse!!!
All this just keeps buzzing round in my head!!!
I need to get a grip. I will take a look at the video thank you xxxxxxx
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“after all i choose to stay here that shows weekness not strength.”
Or you could flip that argument around and say that it takes a lot of inner strength to stay in a miserable, controlling relationship where you are obviously unhappy, yet find it in you to keep pushing back in little ways. Going to work each day for example, despite knowing what a hard time he will give you when you get home.
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@Greyrock I had never thought about it like that.
Everyone tells you to leave. Womans aid I believe wont help you unless you want to leave so Ive read on here. The person who I first trusted with all this now doesnt want to talk to me about it as he thinks I should just leave and it hurts that Ive lost his support by not leaving.
I know its the right thing the safest too for alot of women but for me it isnt an option and its so hard to explain why I stay I feel my only excuse is because im too weak too leave.
Thank you for saying this greyrock Thank you x -
Hi nbumblebee
I am glad to see that you have so much support here on the forum. I just wanted to clarify that you can always use our live chat service at any stage of your journey. Local domestic abuse services all work differently but again I am sure they would support you and explain to you what support they can offer. Some may be able to provide counselling or support groups for women whether you are ready to leave or not.
Hope this helps.
Best wishes
Lisa
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Hi. I’m not sure what you think I said – perhaps it was something from someone else?
Women’s Aid honestly didn’t tell me I had to leave. They understand better than most people that it isnt as black and white as that. They are good at helping ladies sift through the mess and confusion of conflicting thoughts and emotions, and they can help make an exit plan for emergencies and / or if and when we decide the time is right to leave and stop giving more chances. I never felt pressured by them at all though. So, please don’t think they’ll only support you if you are left / imminently leaving.
This is a journey we all take at our own pace, and noone can make decisions for us.
Like you, I had people who pulled away from me when I gave more chances to my ex. I think it was just too painful a train crash for them to watch as they realised they were powerless to change me or save me. I couldn’t get away until I was ready to come out of the hope that denial gave me, and face the new pain and grief that came with acceptance that this man really would never be capable or willing to change for more than a week or so at a time. (Whether with me or in any other relationship.). I don’t know how I got to the place of acceptance. Maybe seeing the cycle of abuse play out enough times. Maybe as more of his lies and gaslighting started to show through. As each and every promise was broken. As I saw that while his words may we’ll be ‘i love you ‘ or variations of that, when he wanted me to stay, his actions didn’t mirror his words. Love is kind and compassionate and feels safe. Not cruel, controlling, coercive, devaluing or downright scary.
Anyway. I’m grateful every day that I found that acceptance, and the willingness to work through the pain and grief and practical nightmare that leaving entailed. Because now, a couple of years since I left, I am free. I am happy. I feel safe. I feel valued. And I know without a shadow of a doubt that had I stayed things would have stayed the same at best, or more likely they’d have got worse. BUT I needed to reach that stage if my journey in my time, just as you will have to (or not).
You’ll be in my prayers.
Take care lovely.GR x
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Sorry i meant you saw me as brave for staying not weak for not leaving thats all i meant.
Ive never tried to reach out to womans aid but have read comments on here that have said that they cant help if you say you want to stay maybe thats just me reading things wrong. Reaching out is not something im good at.
Anyway Thank you for your comments.
Stay safe GR x*x-
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You are doing extremely well at reaching out here, so please do acknowledge your strengths, you speak well and clearly about whats been happening, identifying abuse, and in support of others. Don’t give up, at least try to hear the help they offer, but I could be wrong but that would be upsetting to
think they wouldn’t offer you support, emotional and practical, and listen to you. You need to build
that trust with others to see that the outside life can be better for you than living with abuse for the
rest of your life with no hope of change.Sending you every strength xx
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I often get things wrong so pay no attention to me i thought id read on here that they cant help if you choose to stay im sure they are both supportive and offer amazing advice and would never stop anyone from reaching out they do an amazing job for many thousands of women i would never ever doubt that. All i was tdying to say was its hard when you say you are staying as there doesnt seem to me to be support people just think you are crazy for staying thats all.
Sorry if i upset or offended anyone.
Im pants at this.Thank you for your reply. Stay safe sweetie x
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hi, no upset or offence caused honestly, please don’t be sorry, its absolutely fine. They are not supposed to be judging, and that is the foundation of their service to support women without judging them.
The only ones who think like that are those that don’t understand it, you get support here, and I’m sure you would there, they definitely wouldn’t call you crazy for staying, for one, its just not true, and for another, it would be a massively judgemental thing to level at a women who’s already struggling because of abuse, she wouldn’t need any more.
You always say such lovely heartfelt things to support others, you deserve those things too, that, and to not be too hard on yourself. You stay safe too love xx
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Just read through these posts and so relate to it. I very often sit in my car too and don’t want to go inside. Have to be careful as he’s noticed me doing this.
Going for a drive too help doesn’t it, a change of scenery and helps, even if only temporary with the mindset.
I hope you keep on going with your work opportunities and keep some independence, time for you.
X*x
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Hi
I just wanted to explain more about support available in case this is helpful. We are the National Women’s Aid so we don’t offer casework or ongoing face to face support. We do however offer email support, and a live chat service along with the Survivors Forum.
If you use the Live Chat service, a support worker won’t tell you what to do, but can discuss your situation in more detail, and explain options available to you. They can also signpost you to other support that’s relevant to you.
There is never any pressure to leave or to make a decision, the support worker could help you make a safety plan though if you are not ready to leave.
Each local Women’s Aid group or Local Domestic Abuse Service is independant and separate to us. Many local Domestic Abuse Services can accept referrals, and offer ongoing emotional and practical help. Some offer counselling or support groups. You can find their contact details here: https://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/
Take care and please let me know if you need anything,
Lisa
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