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    • #169746
      Toofarr
      Participant

      Ashamed to say I am still here. Still facing abuse from him all about the same things. I tried to leave without him knowing , I was too terrified and couldn’t do it. I feel pathetic truly. I have only myself to blame. He has told me many times he wants me gone but then goes back to being ‘ok’ and wanting to have sex. I know he’s just using me. He is playing with my head. He’s given me an ultimatum which he has repeated many times. He blames me for everything and wants me to change. Has pressured me for so many things and has said he won’t stop and if I can’t give him these things then I need to leave. I can’t trust what he says and again, I am only here because the thought of my child being alone with him and his family terrifies me. No matter which way I look at it, feels like I can’t win and I’ll be suffering regardless. If he can’t be decent or amicable now, how can he be if I leave? He is controlling every aspect mine and my child’s life. He wants complete obedience. I know I am repeating myself I know I sound like a broken record .  He is truly a monster. I never thought someone can be so evil. My mental health is deteriorating every week. Purely surviving for my child.

    • #169773
      Lisa
      Main Moderator

      Hi Toofarr,

      Try to be kind to yourself. It’s not your fault that he is abusing you. It’s not your fault that his behaviour makes leaving so terrifying that you can’t simply go. It’s normal to take time, and even several attempts, to be able to leave an abuser. The fact that you didn’t leave this time doesn’t take away everything that you achieved working towards leaving. You can be proud that you managed as much as you did. If you’re not already in touch with them, you could reach out to your local domestic abuse service for some ongoing support. You don’t have to be ready or even planning to leave to get support and you deserve to have this. It’s okay to repeat yourself, the abuse repeats, your thoughts and feelings about it repeat, it can feel relentless. The forum is a space where it’s safe to get those thoughts out, reflect, have some support. It’s okay to use it how you need.

      Take care and keep posting,
      Lisa

    • #169791
      minimeerkat
      Participant

      bless your heart, no need to feel ashamed at all.  i have also used the words monster & evil to describe an ex partner & can appreciate the fear they can instil

      as lisa has mentioned i do hope you are in contact with your local da service.  and is your gp aware of your situation too.  theres also counselling you can consider.  because hopefully once you have all the right support in place you might find your strength & confidence begin to grow

      when we feel alone in our relationships & what we are enduring its normal to feel hopeless, weak & trapped.  thats why the more people are aware of your situation the better, because with their help & support you can start to very slowly see a light at the end of the tunnel no matter how fearful you are feeling right now x

       

    • #169792
      Sad and alone
      Participant

      @Toofarr I could have written a lot of this myself. I get exactly the same – abuse about the same topics over and over. Get told go, just go, but then get told he doesn’t want things to end and I just need to change. Arguments one minute and then back to “normal”. And I think you’re just so grateful for “normal”, as in not being abused in any way, that you get stuck on repeat. Because then things feel like they might be okay, or you start imagining maybe this time we can get on if I make a real effort. But sooner or later something will happen again, and you’re back at the beginning.
      Don’t feel ashamed. There’s no right or wrong in this. I have been in my relationship for many many years. I feel stupid for not packing up and going earlier, let alone now. But it’s only in the recent years I’ve really become aware of what I’m dealing with, and it’s a lot. So well done to you for making a plan. Maybe next time you’ll get a little further and a little further after that. Your strength will build and with a child to think about as well, this will give you purpose and strength too.
      Says me who hasn’t been able to a d**n thing! But hoping one day she will.
      Take care, keep posting xx

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