I feel different now, so is it still abuse

[Knots]

I have been married for a very long time. I was certainly the victim of abuse for the first few years. He got angry at the slightest thing, not letting him have a piece of my toast for example. You never knew what would set him of. Sometimes it would result in a verbal assault full of criticisms and aggression other times he would attack me. He pulled out my hair once, held me over the side of a balcony on holiday, stamped on my foot when we were in public and he didn’t want anyone to see, punched me in the face. When our first child was young I gave him an ultimatum to stop hitting me or I would leave. I didn’t want to I loved him. He had counselling and has not hit me since, however I wish he had, then I would have left and not spent years living with someone that intimated me so much I walked on eggshells and never complained about his thoughtless, neglectful and aggressive behaviour.He was always unfriendly and mean about and to my friends so I didn’t invite people round unless he was not going to be home. . He is paranoid that people are out to do him harm and think ill of him and that includes me and the kids; even watching comedies with the children and laughing together has made him angry and critical. I have never been able to relax in his company, always having to be hyper-vigilant to his moods and circumstances; sometimes I would be sick because I was so anxious. I did whatever he wanted without complaint to avoid him being angry, but he is so unpredictable, it is hard to judge what he will expect or get angry about. I thought I had coped and kept things ok for the kids, but I have recently discovered how verbally cruel he was to them too when I was not around. I have also recently realised the toll it has had on me, not just wasting a huge portion of my life, but also taking away my confidence and making me see myself as an awful person. I recently apologised to an old friend I hadn’t seen for ages, for being mean to them, they had no idea what I was talking about and I realised I didn’t either, I just have this sense that I have treated people badly.

Finally the fog has lifted though. I see everything for what it is and I told him, several months ago that I was going to leave him after he went berserk at me over something minor and was squaring up to me and spitting in my face with anger. I think he may have hit me again if my grown up son was not there. A week later he cried and said a work colleague had told him how frightening he could be, so he had just realised how awful it must have been for me over the year, it’s not like I haven’t told him this, but he promised to change and has tried to be nice ever since. He has still had a few vicious moments, but is pulling himself back and I am not accepting it as I used to.

The trouble is I can’t stand being near him now and want to go. I will really struggle financially and lose a lot, but I can’t bear to waste anymore of my life. I am feeling racked with guilt though. He is trying to change and I am planning to leave. I don’t feel the fear and intimidation as acutely as I did and often doubt the reality I expressed above, though my kids don’t. I feel like a bad person one minute, then warnings from my friends that he will resort back to violent ways when he realises he can’t control me and that the niceness is just another form of manipulation makes me panic.

Had he stopped being abusive after the therapy and it was just me being a wimp? Have I let him and my kids down by not challenging his behaviour and helping him to be more confident.I feel enormous guilt about what I am planning to do, yet guilty towards the kids for not doing it when they were younger.

[Serenity]

Hi Knots,

It’s not you being a wimp: you gave him an ultimatum, and he merely changed tactics, abusing you psychologically instead.

It’s still abuse. Some people say mental abuse is worse, because at least physical abuse is clear cut and obvious: mental abuse is hard to define and leaves us doubting our judgement and blaming ourselves.

So much of what you write reminds me of my situation. In the early days of my marriage, my ex-husband was more ‘physical’ but this was when we lived far away from my family and friends and I had no support network, so he felt he ‘could’, I suppose. When we moved nearer family and friends, he could not be so obvious, so it became more surreptitious. I questioned reality and myself too. I realise now how I was being covertly controlled.

Even if you are having a hard time seeing it for what it is, it still has a dreadful effect on your well being. The sense of dread, negativity, fear, manipulation takes its toll in a very real way. With me, I realise now that I was showing signs of C-PTSD, and my physical health began to seriously suffer. Because I was in survival mode, I wasn’t totally crumbling, but once he was gone, it all hit me like a ton of bricks and I had a dreadful breakdown with panic attacks, agoraphobia, was sick every morning, physically trembling, etc.

Don’t feel guilty for not realising what was happening. Abusers can be very clever at disguising abuse and projecting blame. I was given the example of a frog in a pan of water: the heat is turned up so gradually, the frog thinks he is in a warm bath, loses consciousness and doesn’t realise he’s being boiled alive. But your instincts were and are telling you that you are being abused.

Don’t feel guilty for wanting to go. Everyone has a right to a life of peace, without psychological fear. I think it’s in fact a choice between life and death: I don’t think we can be robots and bat off abuse- it takes its toll in many ways staying in that kind of situation. No one can escape the effects of abuse.

My ex was very good at pretending to be needy when he sensed that I’d had enough. But I read recently how seeing our abusers as needy is what keeps us there- because our caring instinct makes us feel responsible, when in fact it’s not so much that they are needy but that they feel entitled. They feel entitled to inflict fear and hurt, they feel entitled to control and limit us, to purge themselves of negative feelings my forcing us to feel them instead, to cause immense suffering. And it’s all done with them telling themselves that they are justified in behaving like that for different reasons. Non-abusive people don’t feel entitled to do this to others, even when they feel down, and feel genuine guilt if they ever do x

[Knots]

Thank you so much for this reply serenity. I have read so much about how abuse escalates from psychological into physical, I didn’t know anyone had experienced it the other way around, it is a relief to know it isn’t me causing it all. I would look at other couples who could be relaxed with each other and be amazed at how they could talk and even argue without fear, I was so envious.
I really recognise what you are saying and the description of being in survival mode. It is horrible but feels the safest option. I have always felt stress and that knot in my stomach but I have noticed how much my hands are shaking now I am making plans to go. Yours and others accounts of ptsd and negative times when they leave is a good forwarning. Knowing what is normal and can happen is so helpful no matter what as it is part of taking control back. I am ready for that.
Thank you again.

[EeyoreNoMore]

Serenity writes the most perfect answer that I can’t really add anything to.

I just wanted to say that my ex was similar. He hit his ex badly and physically abused her terribly. By the time he got to me he had honed his skills and was not physically abusive.

When I confronted him on the way he was verbally abusing me and my son he just went even more covert.

They are expert manipulators.

Research and read. Stay safe xx

[Knots]

Hi Eyore, It is frightening to realise how manipulating abusers can be. I’m still trying to get my head round the fact that it may be a deliberate tactic. I am assuming you have left and are safe now as you refer to him as ex. It is good to read that. I hope things are good for you now.

I’m trying to work on a plan to get out, but it’s taking time and an emotional toll.He can sense something has changed. His reaction has been to try to arrange things for us to do. This seems to pin me to the future with him and makes me feel trapped, but at the same time it looks normal and I feel ungrateful.
The fact that he is mostly being nice at the moment, is escalating my guilt. My rational brain tells me it is manipulation, but I feel shame and guilt all the same. What if he has changed? I am focusing on the times when the mask slips, even though he tries to pop it back on quickly. Though this too could show he’s making an effort.

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