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I’ve not seen my abuser for 5 days now. The 4 days before today have been horrific, I started yesterday morning off being sick and exploding and having a meltdown to my mum and finally admitting to her what has been going on over the last (detail removed by moderator) I felt so ashamed, annoyed, guilty and worthless. This man has excluded me from everyone making me feel only he in the world gets me, making him my comfort blanket. He has destroyed every bit of confidence i have calling me ugly, fat, unfunny, spotty, flabby and the list goes on as we know! Made me feel so worthless I never wanted to hang around with friends or family as I always thought I was boring them and they didn’t enjoy me, only he enjoyed me? or so he manipulated me to believe. I woke up this morning and have a massive end of year exam in college the thought of sitting in a silent 3 hour exam hall made me break down I just couldn’t do it. I went to my doctor to get a sick line for domestic stress so this didn’t go down as a failed attempt. I was dreading the appointment I cried en route, waiting to be seen, and a hell of a lot when talking. My mind has been so altered I’m (detail removed by moderator) and been with this guy since I was (detail removed by moderator) years older and is a master manipulator. When speaking to the doctor I told her I didn’t want to go back but I thought I would as I always do because he makes me feel bad and speaks about how all the bad things in his life have happened and how he is suicidal. I cared too much to leave him on his own. My doctor simply said to me ‘so you care for him?’ I replied yes as there is something in me that feel sorry for him. ‘look at how upset you are, look how you feel, think what he has done to you. Are you caring for yourself by being with him?’ She firmly said to me. This hut me hard. It was the first I realised and I felt so upset and stupid for caring for him. I explained how I hate socialising unless it’s with him as I feel nobody enjoys my conversations and I feel sad after ward and over analyse anything I said. She simply asked me ‘did you feel this way (detail removed by moderator) years ago?’ the answer is no. Of course I didn’t because I didn’t have someone who didn’t know my value trying to tell me how much I was worth. I felt horrendous after the appointment. I needed to get out the house I knew it was what I have to do to start being me before him. I went and rode my cousins new horse. I felt awkward at points as I always do and like I’m just standing about being a mute fading into the background. I got home and went into hibernation again. An old friend popped up and asked me how i was and I exploded and told her everything. Her reply made me feel so confident. I don’t know what happened, I just had this overwhelming feeling of relief. I realised I’m at the worst point, if I don’t let him back in my life it’s only going to get better. I can’t honestly workout what the turning point was I’ve had such a roller coaster day. I feel so strong and powerful just now. I’ve just signed up to do a half marathon for women’s aid. I will come out this stronger I’m turning my pain into power. I haven’t felt this good in years. It’s such a strange feeling. I really hope I wake up like this tomorrow!
What a paragraph but sharing helps so much! Anyone still struggling to get out, anyone that has just left and is struggling, just know that..
In The End It Will All Be Okay, If It Is Not Okay, It Is Not The End.
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Well done for getting out. Also for telling people. I had to hide in my bathroom when I talked to one group on the phone, even though I was 100 miles away from him.
In these early days, it is going to be really hard. Please be patient with yourself. You got some really good advice and I hope you hold into your need to be yourself when you think about going back.
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I am very proud of any woman who gets out of a situation like yours. I loved the bit at the end, as it is very true. Good luck with everything you do for yourself, I expect it feels quite.. exhilarating to say I have achieved this because I did it. GO YOU!!!
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Thank you that makes me feel really good. It feels very exhilarating but also very strange as if it’s not true. I feel to good at the moment for it to be true, it’s strange. I’m really loving the fact that I’m able to do anything I want at any time without arguments name calling or grief. very strange feeling and confusing finally learning to think for myself again. Thanks again for your kind words!
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it takes really special words from someone you respect a great deal to make the penny drop. from that day on yeh we have bad days then good – thats how it is in recovery. it is a means to an end as we do recover slowly but eventually. i also feel we have to 100% believe in that recovery. i was a real mess at one stage where i had been told noone will ever want you because your boring, ugly stupid etc etc the usual. when i started to date again my confidence was at zero. it wasnt until one of my friends moved me to tears when she read my cards. she told me i was the strongest card the sun – if i believed in my own aptitude everything would unfold and be again at my feet. she was right because when i truely started to believe in myself everything changed for the better xx not all but most 🙂 but thats life :0) much love diymum xx
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Really happy to hear you got your confidence back and believed in yourself again! I think hope and optimism is a real help at this beginning stage, it can all be quite confusing so I’m really glad to hear your story and that you are getting back to yourself again and knowing your value and not just what these men make us feel is out value! Good luck x
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