24th April 2016 at 1:12 am #15128
I’m still with my abusive partner, but recently lost eyesight due to damage after years they suspect of black eyes, now I feel grateful he hasn’t left, even though the beatings haven’t stopped, but as he said to me , whom would want me? Am damaged goods, I tried leaving, but he faked suicide, which terrified me, I even tried secretly talking to the police, but got told you women again, so am back in the bedroom, locked in , not knowing where to turn, who to trust, even local idas won’t help, so Am I lucky he actually cares?
24th April 2016 at 7:29 am #15132Falling SkysParticipant
Hi and hugs.
What a vile man, you would be safer, happier and stronger on your own.
My friend is visually impaired and she is a strong independent woman. That does it all and has alot of male attention.
Sadly with all the years of abuse you have suffered it’s taken your confidence in your self worth from you. I know I was the same.
You need to speak to women aid, they are great at giving you options. You will be entitled to benefits and support in an awful way this may be a way to freedom.
So pleased you posted
24th April 2016 at 8:22 am #15136LisaMain Moderator
I am sorry to read about your situation. No, you are not lucky that you have him. He is a very abusive man who has injured you physically and mentally. You deserve to feel happy and free in your life not locked in your bedroom with a man who has damaged your eyesight due to physical abuse. Please follow the excellent advice already given to you and try to find a safe time to phone the helpline. They will not judge you or tell you what to do but will help you to see that you have options. He sounds like a very dangerous man, please start thinking about life away from him.
We are all here for you.
24th April 2016 at 12:55 pm #15149
Thank you for your kind words, I can’t help believing this way, but I guess after (detail removed by moderator) years I’ve forgotten what a life is, plus he was my first proper relationship, before that I was in a bad place and he rescued me, well that’s what I have been told and sorry I believe, and I do try to reason with him, and do feel guilty talking about him, after all they at the hospital highly suspect that my blindness is due to the constant beatings, as only last month he cracked my skull, wasn’t too bad, but had black eyes for weeks, and he feels guilty and sorry after, but I tell him this is wrong, but his reply is he’s saving me from the others, as for the locked bedroom, I’ve always been locked in, even at home as a youngster, so I don’t see anything wrong, but must admit would be nice to leave the bedroom door if I wanted to, I guess I sound mad or weird to you all, but if you don’t know anything different, how do you convince yourself it’s wrong? x*x
24th April 2016 at 2:34 pm #15159SerenityParticipant
He sounds vile.
I know you find it hard to imagine leaving. Abusers monopolise us so that we forget who we are.
I won’t pretend its easy to leave. It’s a lot of work- getting over the trauma, and trying to rediscover yourself. It takes time. But you do get there in the end.
If this man loved you, he couldn’t hurt you as he has. Like all abusers, he seems incapable of love in any pure form. Rather, he needs to exert control and purge himself of his negative emotions by hurting you.
You aren’t lucky having him. You were unlucky to ever meet him.
Please teach out for help and support to get away from him. He sounds dangerous.
24th April 2016 at 3:02 pm #15165
Thank you hun , and I did try to leave him a few years ago, but all I can say was my local authority treat me appalling, and the humiliation and questions blaming me for what he was doing, and I can’t recall how or why, but I ended up back, that’s why I now am locked up, he says I owe him, and I hate myself for allowing this, but I do owe him , as have no family or friends, and everyone thinks he is perfect, so can’t fight him.
Love & Hugs FS ❤ x*x
24th April 2016 at 7:47 pm #15173shine bright 2Participant
Hi forgotten soul….I just wanted u to know u r not a forgotten soul because I for one am thinking about u. You sound so much like me a while ago..thinking I was so worthless and I still struggle with those thoughts. like u I suffered permanent injury and even then I thought I deserved it. u deserve better…so so I. No one should go through thus stuff a d no o e should feel their soul is forgotten. It took me years to leave and I had the benifit of a house left by parents. I don’t know why u r being treated so bad by authorities bit I hope so much u can get away…that one day we can both come back on here and say we are free!
24th April 2016 at 8:30 pm #15177
Hugs shine bright 2 x*x
Thank you for your kind words and support, and I’m happy to hear your away from the situation, I wish I could be strong like you, but I’m weak, and since losing eyesight I am more fearful, so he looks after me, and after (detail removed by moderator) years of hearing what a waste of time you are, I guess you believe it, even though some things he does I know are definitely wrong, I just await it to end, as with the authorities, guess isn’t their fault as he’s so charming, but again thanks for the kind words, I hope your doing ok? And yes it would be great to come here a survivor, but with only him in my life, guess that won’t be anytime soon.
Love & hugs FS
26th April 2016 at 4:06 pm #15385AyannaParticipant
Oh hun, you are a victim of horrific abuse. Your local social services should send their safeguarding team out to rescue you. You are a vulnerable person and need protection.
This man committed horrible crimes against you: locking you in = restricting your freedom, which is a crime that can be punished with a jail sentence
cracking your skull = jail sentence; if your local hospital knows this, why do you not call the police when he locks you in and let them free you?
He is done then and you can take all the support that you deserve, from housing until benefits ….
27th April 2016 at 2:48 pm #15518
Well today was a good day, I’ve managed to talk him into removing the lock, and he has! Don’t know why he’s in a good mood, but he has been for a few days, so not going to question him, maybe he’s changed now?
27th April 2016 at 6:32 pm #15543LisaMain Moderator
Please reach out to some of the help that is available to you. Phone the helpline, the police, social services, your gp, whichever you would feel the most comfortable contacting. I am sorry to confirm that you are experiencing very serious domestic abuse and he will not have changed overnight, however much you want to hope he may have. If anything I would read that his sudden good mood and leniency are worrying signs and perhaps something frightening is round the corner as that is the usual pattern of abuse.
Please get help. You deserve so much to be happy and respected and there is support out there for you.
We are all here for you.
27th April 2016 at 10:14 pm #15571
Maybe I’m stupid but I thought he was changing, seemsim the laughing stock, he teased me and made me feel a idiot, I may be losing eyesight bad I feel pain and humiliation, I feel so deflated, a fool..
28th April 2016 at 10:56 am #15622
Thank you (detail removed by moderator) for the kind words, I have nobody except him in my life, and it’s been that way for a few years, I do feel to blame, I do feel alone, ( I know I’m not here and for that I’m truly grateful), last night while he was out working, I did call the helpline, unfortunately was busy, and couldn’t do a call back, as was concerned he would return, I do wish I could offload, but I know I just have to keep him calm, he isn’t all bad, just I don’t like it when he torments and teases me, but guess it’s my fault , love and hugs x*x
28th April 2016 at 3:25 pm #15661AnonymousInactive
Hi Forgotten Soul, I hope today has been a bit better for you. I feel like you do sometimes that it has to be my fault . Logically speaking though its just the way he chooses to be with me. Please ring back the helpline when he goes to work again, You really need someone in your corner who can help you,even if it is just to listen. Sending you hugs xx
30th April 2016 at 10:38 am #15909
Well it’s been a tough couple of days and I know its my fault, but he’s trying to work which is stressful and looking after me, but I’ve felt unwell so giving him more to stress about isn’t helping, guess I just feel guilty and understand why he sometimes punished me, not keen on weekends, but guess if I behave it will be okay x*x
30th April 2016 at 11:23 am #15913
You are not alone over this weekend. We are your supports. You are made stay in your room by him, but you can post on here as much as you need to, about whatever comes into your head, and keep reading the other ladies posts on here.
Reading other posts will change your perception of your abusive situation and you will be strengthened to counteract the weakening of ‘your precious self’ by your abuser’s abuse of you.
Forgottensoul (but not by us), your long-term aim is to free yourself. This you tried to do a few years ago but you had no true supports. Sounds like the police and the authorities failed you unforgivably, they failed you(the victim) and enabled the perpetrator (your abusive partner), and with no true supports (like this Forum and Women’s Aid)you couldn’t break free from him. Ayanna is right, the hospital have failed you too.They should not have left you home with him who gave you a fractured skull. In abuse situations it is common for everyone to minimize, justify, rationalize and excuse the abuse of the abuser. And the abusers (like all criminals) know how to charm, it is true. They are master manipulators. But I can only agree with Lisa and the other posters, what he is doing to you is criminal. He is a very sick man. He needs to be in jail where he cannot hurt another human being.
Its alot for you to take in as you have been ‘brainwashed’, influenced by him that you deserve it. That if you didn’t do a,b,c,d, then he wouldn’t have to do what he needs to do (eg. punish you , lock you in your room etc). Your reactions by the way is normal, we have all felt this in one way or another, that it was our fault. By posting on here and speaking with a Women’s Aid worker, you will work through your feelings of blaming yourself for the abuse, and your feelings of helplessness (unable to ring the police to rescue you and have him arrested).
For today he can’t control what thoughts you choose to entertain in your head. Start thinking about leaving the abusive relationship. Leaving is a process. You were thwarted in your attempt to leave a few years ago. We are with you now supporting you. Do what you can today in the process of leaving your abusive relationship. Think about what possessions and any paperwork that are essential for you to have. At the end of the day everything can be replaced. Your life is the most precious thing. You need to save that.
He has already damaged your eye-sight, your skull. Your life needs to be preserved. Discuss your options with women’s aid, eg a phonecall from you to the police, the ambulance services (if he hurts you again).
If you called the police, what are the things you are afraid of happening?, afraid of leaving behind? We could help you explore this.
30th April 2016 at 11:41 pm #15954
Thank you so much for your kind words and advice, it’s all scary because I know if I leave, I’m alone as for the authorities , (detail removed by Moderator), and I am so afraid they’ll believe him, as been there before, they actually felt sorry for him , and advised him to get ME mental health, I felt so alone, they actually believed him, but I guess I can’t blame them, he’s very convincing and in authority, so I just feel, why fight what I won’t win? He is sorry when I make him hurt me, just have to be good, and hope he’ll change x*x
1st May 2016 at 10:36 pm #16049
He will never change and even if you were a saint, and never put a foot wrong, he will still abuse you. He’s not angry because ‘he loses it’. He doesn’t need anger management classes. He very well knows what he’s doing when he gets angry. He chooses to be angry so as to put you in fear so you will change your behaviour so as ‘not to set him off’. This is a game to him and he laughs to himself at how he has you on a mental leash so to speak. I say this because my abuser was the same. And I was the same as you, walking on egg-shells, trying to be perfect in my behaviour, putting up with whatever unacceptable behaviour he carried out so as to keep the peace and stop him ‘from going into one.’
Right so you can’t control at the moment that you have to stay in your room (because that’s what his lordship demands) but think of the things you can do.
1) Keep reading the posts on here. Don’t let him know, as we are your lifeline at the moment).
2)Keep sharing any thoughts and feelings on here with us.
3)Can you get hold of a book called ‘Why does he do that: Getting inside the minds of angry and controlling men’ by Lundy Bancroft. He is an expert on the mind-set of abusers and from reading that it will take away your hope that he will change.
4) Google ‘The Power and Control’ wheel and ‘The Cycle of Abuse.’ Knowledge is power. The more you know about domestic abuse the stronger you will become.
5) How would you feel about leaving your home and going into a refuge?
6) Try and phone Women’s Aid and discuss your experience of him being believed over you when you tried to escape before. They will help you with this.
Above all pretend to him that all is ok. Don’t let him know you’re becoming aware and don’t let him get any inkling of your supports.
Take care and keep posting. You will get through this. You’re not on our own like the last time you tried to leave the abusive relationship.
2nd May 2016 at 12:06 pm #16093
Thank you so much, as for the advice, he doesn’t know about my phone, as only take it out when he’s working, as for books, I can’t see, but even if I could, would be difficult to hide, as for his anger isn’t all the time, I do love him, just don’t like him very much, I didn’t think I would be living in a locked spare room, but he does allow me out when he’s home, with his job he just gets stressed sometimes, guess I can’t complain really x*x
2nd May 2016 at 12:20 pm #16095HealthyarchiveBlocked
Try to have a look on Amazon at all books by HG Tudor, they will help you understand his thought processes more, they really helped me. They are free to read. XXXXX
5th May 2016 at 10:41 pm #16457
It is so wrong that he keeps you in a locked room while he is at work and only lets you out of the locked room when he deems it is ok.
When I recommended the books I was hoping maybe you had a little eye-sight. I am sorry you have suffered so much at his hands. He is a very sick man to have damaged your eyesight by his own hands. You may love him but I think those feelings are not love but tied up with ‘Stockholm syndome’ where the abused person feels a loyalty and affection for the abuser. Its probably more like ‘relief’ and gratitude to him for not actually going as far as killing you.
If you can’t read the books, keep reading the posts on here, they will strengthen you. And when your situation changes (abusers are always unpredictable and abuse always escalates, it won’t stay the same), you will have gained the strength to maybe call the police, or call an ambulance etc.
Also try and get in touch again wih Women’s Aid by phone.
Also have you access to healthy food. Does he give you food when he locks you for the day in the spare room. I say this because whatever bit of self-care you can do, do it to build up your strength. We are so weakened by the abuse and that’s what the abusers want because then we are easier to control. I know you can’t walk outside as he has you confined to the house, but maybe try a few exercises in your room.
The ideal would be to ring for help but your past experience of being failed by the police, hospital etc is holding you back along with the fear. so concentrate on the things you can do for now.
Keep posting your thoughts and feelings on here. Our thinking becomes distorted as a result of the abuse and you will gain a different perspective to the one your abuser has wanted you to have.
Above all have hope, you are not alone. You will get through this to freedom with our collective strength and the help of Women’s Aid. Gather as many supports around you as you can, using your phone. Your phone is your life-line and life-saver for now.
8th May 2016 at 2:52 pm #16726
How are you forgottensoul?
11th September 2016 at 3:38 am #27539cantgetoutParticipant
Not too sure if I’m using this site/forum correctly but here goes. I have been housebound for (detail removed by Moderator) due to a physical disability. For (detail removed by Moderator) of those years after meeting the friend of a neighbour my life has been not too dissimilar to your situation. It goes without saying that this is a truly awful situation you are in and you have to understand that men like that are extremely skilled in making you have feelings you should not have. I’m hoping you are safe now but if you are reading this and you are still trapped you must do everything in your power to escape from his clutches. He will never change and will always guilt trip you into believing you should be grateful that he is ‘helping’ you. My abuser is the same but because I cannot get a care worker I am reliant on him for practical needs. I don’t know what to suggest but if you have heard about “The Archer” abuse story which is ongoing you will see how manipulative men like this can be and how powerful they are in making you think that you deserve a lot of his behavior. I hope things change for you and send you my deepest sympathy and good wishes. This man of yours cannot help what he is doing as it is compulsive behavior just like by ‘carer’ who says he loves me but everytime I do anything good for him it is out of fear not love. I stopped loving him a month after I met him. You and I need courage and I hope you get it and listen to that voice in the back of your head that tells you that you deserve a good life.
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