I feel guilty about this

[Ariadne]

Hi, everyone
There is this instance in my previous relationship that has been bothering me.
There was one time that I (detail removed by moderator). I asked him many times before not to do that, and I asked him again this time and he did, and so I just snapped… It feels like I just abused him back. It was awful. I immediately apologised and never did that again (it was a first time for me too), but in that moment I realised how I didn’t like who I had become.
Has this ever happened to any of you? What can I do not to become abusive? I really worry about this sometimes, as also reading a lot of the information about abusive people makes me often get inside their minds!

[Lisa]

Hello Ariadne,

Thank you for your post and for sharing this.

I just wanted to offer some support and reassure you that responding or retaliating to abuse does not make you an abuser. Domestic abuse is a pattern of controlling/manipulative/threatening behaviour which makes up a bigger picture of abuse.

Of course physical violence should not be condoned under any circumstances, but when we are backed into a corner sometimes it can be instinctual to lash out or defend ourselves.

The abuser is the one to provoke and wear us down and will often hold any times we have retaliated against us for long into the future, creating feelings of guilt or shame. But it’s important to remember that this does make you ‘just as bad’.

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa

[Ariadne]

Hi, Lisa

Thank you for your reply!
I hadn’t thought of the pattern aspect of it, but it does help me put it into perspective. I’m glad he never held that over me, but it is something that sometimes weighs me down and makes me almost discredit whatever else I experienced. Like the “I caused him to do this” kind of justifications.

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Ariadne

yes, I’ve done that. The ex did something shocking and dangerous to me. I was shocked and had no idea how to take what had happened, I then blacked it out for a long time, but recall that I tried to do it back to him and couldn’t (he’s just too big and I don’t have his strength either). I think it was a shock reaction along with the confusion. I remember feeling like my brain was scrambled, just completely not understanding. Its like so much of it, I just didn’t understand and I still feel very stupid like I was in some stupid bubble. He thinks I’m stupid too and laughs that I don’t say no, that was quite a funny one.

I also defended one of my children, and it would have meant he had bruises. I felt nothing but horror for what he was doing, but it was as if I was an annoying fly to him and he didn’t even notice me. These things are still beyond my comprehension. Its so far from who I am, and so far from who I thought he was, that I feel like I have permanent shock to it.

I hope in sharing your defence of yourself you are feeling freed of any guilt of it.

warmest wishes

ts

[Ariadne]

Thank you for sharing your experience, TwistedSister. While it is horrible to get to that point, you tried to stand up for yourself and your children, and that is important.

All the best to you! Take care.

[Author]

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