I feel hideous after the marriage

[brokenheartedgirl1234]

Its been about (detail removed by Moderator) now that i have been out of my marriage. my ex made me feel completely ugly he just cussed me in every single way. i sometimes think maybe he hit me because im not beautiful.
i am now determined to change my looks so i am going to get (detail removed by Moderator) surgery (he attacked my (detail removed by Moderator) and now its broken).i have paid the deposit already so i have to go through with it.. the surgeon is very good.
the issue is here i see so many flaws and i think no one will ever like me ever again because ive been married before and in my culture men dont like women who are not virgins.
how can i get over this im heartbroken.. surely he wouldnt have married someone he found unatractive and now that i think im ugly im scared will i be loved ever again?
he just always put me down and complimenetd other women i feel why wasnt i enough for him?
i tried so hard

[KIP.]

Sadly it doesn’t matter how hard you tried, for an abuser, it’s never enough. They simply move the goal posts and carry on abusing. It’s not you, it’s him. Have you had counselling? I found it really helpful. Abusers destroy our self esteem and confidence and then dominate. Have you read Living with the Dominator? It’s a good book. X

[brokenheartedgirl1234]

thank you so much Kip may god bless you! i am currently reading mel b brutally honest but i will defo give that book a go! i also saw a book by Lundy Bundcroft I think if you read that it may be helpful i heard its good.
the thing is kip i did everything he wanted.. i am waiting for counselling. did u have low self esteem after leaving?

[KIP.]

Yes my self esteem and confidence were wiped out to the point I couldn’t leave the house. Couldn’t make eye contact with people. My head was spinning and I just didn’t understand it was him and his behaviour but I understand now. Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft and Healing From Hidden Abuse by Shannon Thomas are both good books. Abuse destroys us and yes we do everything to try and get the man back that loves us and treats us kindly but he never existed. He was just a mask worn by a selfish controlling abuser. Be kind to yourself. Abusers choose to abuse and they know exactly what they’re doing and what effect it has on us. It’s never enough because their goal is to abuse, not to have a loving caring relationship x

[brokenheartedgirl1234]

its so difficult to see the man you love as an abuser.. because some days he is so kind and loving and its like the fairytale you dreamed of then some days feel like hell.
i must read the lundy bancroft book ive seen some quotes from it and its so eye opening and i will have a look at the other one you recommended thank you so very much.

do you ever feel because of your trauma that no one will ever love you again?
i am convinced no one will love me because of my exes words also because i was married to him i no longer am a virgin so im worried no man from my community will want me.

i am so sad i feel like i will never be able to get married again and have a nice relationship.
some days i feel better but today i feel absolutely terrible.

[KIP.]

Yes I absolutely felt that no man would ever want me but that’s the abuse talking. Now I know that any decent man would be lucky to have me in his life but it’s not important to me anymore because I have so much else going on in my life, men are over rated lol. As for virginity. Over 50 percent of marriages fail so there would be a lot of single people out there if they all felt that way. People divorce, marriages are annulled, people die. Marriages end every day for all different reasons and if your culture says you have to stay married to a man who abuses you then perhaps that culture need looking at. The very first time a man abused you he gave you permission to walk away. There is a cycle of abuse that keeps us hooked in. They pretend to be nice during the honeymoon phase and we think the lovely caring man has returned for good, but then he becomes more and more abusive and we walk on eggshells until his next terrible abusive outburst, then he returns to being nice again and we get hooked back in and round and round we go stuck in the cycle of abuse. It’s hard to break free because we become trauma bonded and we blame ourselves. It’s okay to be sad and to grieve for the lost hopes and dreams you had with that relationship but you have another chance at happiness and you are wiser now. It takes time to heal and recover so be kind to yourself and maybe seek out some counselling x

[TiaMaria]

I send everything that KIP has said.

You will find someone who will adore you and treat you how you deserve to be treated. But for now, focus on yourself. Get some counselling if this is an option available to you. And when you are doubting yourself, ask yourself this: would you have ever treated him how he treated you? What advice would you give to a friend in the same situation? Would you ever believe it could have been your friend’s fault that she was abused? Be kind to yourself. You deserve love. You do not ever deserve abuse. Ever. There is never a justification for it.

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