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    • #130602

      Hi, I’m new to the forum. I’m currently divorcing my husband. It’s awful. My ex husband has denied yelling, smashing, hitting things, going to kick me, pushing me on the bed when pregnant. He’s said (detail removed by moderator), I’m on the verge of a breakdown, I’m over protective of our kids, I’m a hypercondriac. All episodes I disclosed were true, but he’s blatantly lying and saying they aren’t. It’s awful. Our children recently said while alone with them he’d get angry, shout, frighten them, break and hit things. I’m standing up for my children, but by saying I’m lying, he’s also saying they are. It’s awful. Like I’m walking through a storm. I constantly question if it was me. He used to say I was paranoid, over reacting, you’re so sensitive, that he was just joking, I had to forgive him(detail removed by moderator) marriage counsellor after I found he’d cheated on my when our child (detail removed by moderator). He blamed alcohols, I was crazy. I asked him to go to AA, to get counselling, anger management when I took him back. He went for several sessions. Now, he’s denying he has alcohol issues, or anger issues. It’s awful. He’s denied actual actions which took place. He said I punched him(detail removed by moderator). I never did. I hit out at him (detail removed by moderator) when he blocked me from leaving a room when I was heavily pregnant. He then bumped me onto the bed, tousled with me, clenched his fist into a ball and pushed it (detail removed by moderator). He’s denying this happened. I hit out (detail removed by moderator)he’d cheated. I’d been suffering from painful cramps(detail removed by moderator)and a possible std  (detail removed by moderator) (luckily it wasn’t). He owned up only because I was waiting for results. He then said (detail removed by moderator). This was the (detail removed by moderator) I hit out. These are the only times. He’s lying. He’s said in text messages to me (detail removed by moderator) When together he told me I couldn’t mention the above situations to our couples counsellor (detail removed by moderator) and the kids would he taken away.

      (Detail removed by moderator) Who knows. I still constantly question if it’s me, am I to blame, did I push him to this, did I cause it? He said (detail removed by moderator). I did. I was like a dog with a bone. I could let it go, it devastated me. The deception, especially when I was so vulnerable. I told him he was, (detail removed by moderator) he’d cheated on me and the kids. I told this to him every day for months. I couldn’t let it go. Is that abusive? He’s saying I’m the abusive one. All I want is it to be over and for our kids to be safe and loved. Me and the kids are not living with him.

    • #130614

      Abusers are great at turning the spotlight away from their own behaviour. It’s crazy making. Turn the spotlight right back onto his behaviour. He chooses to abuse you. Write a list of all the abusive incidents, and you didn’t make him behave that way, it’s a choice he makes.

    • #130733

      One of the reasons I have not left this hell hole yet is because I keep questioning myself. Even though I’ve spoken to people on the womens aid phone I and they tell me it is I still question myself. Being told your opinions are wrong being told to shut up but using swear words , being gaslighted and told your deluded but I still question myself.

      • #130741

        Hi, I felt like that, still do. You will be ok. Many people have said to me “sit tight, this too shall pass.” Several people have called the behaviour I experienced as brainwashing. But I still can’t get my head around that he did this knowingly. It’s so difficult to think independently when you’ve been gaslighted for an extensive period. Constant second guessing and minimising becomes normal, I backed down a lot, didn’t challenge, didn’t stand up for myself, and when I did, I was yelled at.

        I understand exactly what you are going through. If I challenged him why he was out so late, didn’t tell me when he’d be back for dinner, about money etc, loads of things, he’d say I was paranoid, aggressive, over reacting, crazy, too sensitive.

        I’m still pretty wired by it, but I’m out. Sometimes I feel the stress/anxiety spiralling. But then breathing techniques and doing a short meditation has helped – when I think to do them! I’ve also found that if I’m incredibly stressed and upset, I try and focus on something outside, like a beautiful tree, birds, or the sky. This disengages me from my stress, even if momentarily, and helps me to become a little calmer.

        Honestly, I’d try and put things in place to leave. I’d still be there if my parents and friends had not helped me. Tell your friends and family what you’re going through. Be honest. I hid things that happened. I should’ve spoken up at the time, but I minimised and felt because things happened intermittently, then it would be ok, and also, he’d never hit me. I never breathed a word about some incidents until my partner had cheated, which devastated me to the very core. I’d told edited snippets to certain people, but once he’d cheated, information came out of me like a torrent. I was then told by many people that his behaviour was abusive, then friends and family admitted to having reservations about him from the start. They hated how he treated me and didn’t want to do things together with us. It was hard to hear.

        It’s hard to get out. You feel enmeshed and trapped at times. I’m still battling through things having left a while ago. He’s still scrabbling for control and blatantly lying to make himself appear the victim, now calling me an abuser. But, I’m out. I’m trying to rebuild, I’m healthier and happier. At one time, I was so panicked and stressed and frightened by everything I reckon I would have had a breakdown if I’d have continued in the same situation. I also became underweight. I couldn’t eat, I was having nightmares, I’d wake up in cold sweats. I don’t have that now.

        Triggers set me off quite a bit, work helps me, friends and family help me, my kids help me, independence helps me. Space helps me. I was not this person this time last year. Time helps, I can see that clearly. I’m getting better and stronger, and more able to cope.

        It’s hard to get out. What helped with me was having a support network who understood and saw what was happening. They will stand by you propping you up at every stage.

        But I still struggle with making sense of his behaviour – his actions and words. It’s a complete fog to me. I just need constant validation that his behaviour was wrong, and still is. This helps.

    • #130735

      Kip is right. It’s crazy making the situations they put us in. I said and did things I would never do in normal circumstances. When we are living with these men we are under constant threat of attack, being goaded and controlled. It’s utter torture. Know your truth. You are entitled to walk away from a relationship that no longer makes you happy. It’s so hard having so many doubts. Only when you’re out of the drama will you really be able to make sense and reclaim your true self. So so many of us have been where you are and are no on the other side. You don’t have to live like this xx

    • #130770

      I am humbled to see the responses to my posts . It’s plain to see from messages posted on this forum too many people are or have suffered in so many similar ways . I really have had my eyes opened by the amount of information I’ve read in so many of the posts on the forum . I did make enquiries about a month ago to make a move to leave to go to a refuge but it wasn’t as easy as I thought. I thought I might be able to get out the same day I made enquiries for spaces but I didn’t realise it does not work as quickly as that . He then spent the rest of his holiday at home I am wanting to leave in secret. I have seen it can take on averages 7 attempts to get out so hopefully I have not failed just yet . He does make me very very sad and unhappy especially when he belittles me and tells me to shut up in a unpleasant Manor. I’m hoping for more success in the future because I dont want to be continually disliking myself for the rest of my days . I suppose I’ve just fell off the horse and need to get back on it . I really do appreciate the supportive responses they really do mean a great deal too me . Best wishes x

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