I feel like I’m being overly punished

[Hollapops-]

I’m (detail removed by moderator) and been dating partner (detail removed by moderator) for (detail removed by moderator). Over the past two weeks I’ve had various issues with adjusting to a new anxiety medication which has caused me to be more emotional over this time. I have PTSD from a previous abusive relationship; however I’m usually very regulated and happy and he’s known me years to realise this. We don’t live together but was in discussions over the past few months that I’ll stay for a bit and see how things go. He was even measuring up some (detail removed by moderator) to make sure it would fit and make me feel at home. I fear that the past few weeks that my low mood and this deregulated period of time has now ruined things which seems so
disproportionate. During this time I brought up a worry of mine regarding (detail removed by moderator) that put some doubt about me staying in his home.
Ultimately I was seeking reassurance and it wasn’t me looking for a way out or anything plus the concern wasn’t directly about him, more like a separate building related issue (detail removed by moderator). Either way he was understandably thrown and he began questioning if it was him I was interested in or just moving in which made no sense. I’d provided no doubt towards him ever before and thought I had shown how much I liked him, with actions, reassurance etc. This created a very negative and emotional response in me to which I had a bit of an emotional ptsd anxiety attack where I described how I felt confused, scared and blindsided as he was acting so different towards me. We had very long conversations over the phone that went round in circles. During these calls he got very stern and would firmly say he wanted to get off the phone as he was tired and couldn’t talk anymore. I read this as rejection and regrettably ignored his needs and pushed for more closure in the conversations. It just created more conflict and I fear this blip with my medication over the space of 2 weeks has completely ruined my character in his eyes. I’m mature enough to realise that I’ve had valid reasons that l’ve taken full responsibility for and apologised etc but I don’t know if he’s using this as an excuse now for distancing as he probably just doesn’t like me anymore. He also told his mother about things I had said which was part of a minor meltdown reaction. I wish he had given me the opportunity to hear him out about what I had said so we could have talked things through and I could have apologised before he spoke to others. I feel like he didn’t give things much time before going to others and potentially discrediting my actual character. Can anyone offer any insight or advice here?

as an added bit of information I managed to get a new job on (detail removed by moderator)after being made redundant in (detail removed by moderator). I’ll be earning a nice wage and this will be helpful. My partner lives in the home that his parents own but they don’t live in it. My partner has a self employed role and has made me aware he is insecure that he only earns (detail removed by moderator) a year. I’m not bothered by money but I’m wondering if me getting this role on (detail removed by moderator) coincided with him getting angry with me on the phone and telling his mother things that I’d said (which has now resulted in her deciding I can’t stay there). The impact of this all seems so disproportionate. I’ve felt incredibly lonely and shamed during my first and only ptsd attack with him. He knows everything about my past and I think I expected a more patient and caring response rather than him seeing and treating me as a completely different person overnight

[Marmalade]

Hi, I have PTSD and know exactly what you mean by PTSD meltdowns and anxiety attacks. They are awful. All balance evaporates.
They are also very difficult for other people to deal with unless they are trained therapists. People can be shocked, retreat and be very wary, even if they know in theory about the condition, the reality can be very off putting in my experience.
In the initial period when I left an abusive relationship I lost friends because they simply couldn’t deal with my over reactions, emotional disregulation and anxiety. People who couldn’t cope, retreated, even if they knew about and sympathised with my situation.
Your partner clearly has found your outbursts difficult to deal with and has needed space. I fully understand that your anxiety meant you could not give him this, but he seems to have been overwhelmed.
Are you having therapy? CBT trauma therapy may be helpful or EMDR? Your GP may be able to signpost you to services who can support you or Bloom offer free online counselling. If there is a Freedom Programme near you then it may help you recover from your previous abusive relationship which triggered the PTSD.
I have been in your shoes. It’s v hard.

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