22nd January 2016 at 9:58 am #8129
Have been really dithering about writing this… it’s really hard for me. Especially as you wonderful women on here warned me, and I didn’t listen. i should have listened but instead convinced myself everything’s okay.
I’ve been having an affair with a man who is in a relationship with someone else. He was -and is- so supportive with my PTSD and helped me get through it when I suffered horrific flashbacks in his presence, and I fell for him quite quickly. I’ve been ‘trying’ to end it for months…at least I make all the ‘im ending it, we’re just friends’ noise but I’m the one who never sticks by it. I say to myself I’ll slowly ignore the odd text or not pick up the phone, but when he rings -sporadically- I pick up everytime.
But now I feel in over my head. I love him but I feel alnost trapped, stuck. He’s such a jealous man…over silly things. I said I was having datenight (which was with a female friend) and he instantly assumed it was with a man and got really snotty about it, and any man that ever displays an interest in me he puts them down, acting and speaking as though they aren’t as good as him etc – and I’m single. We aren’t together, not really, and he has no right at all to be acting jealous or displaying that jealousy the way he does – I’m not his, but he acts as though I am. When he wants me that is. He never comes around when I ask…I asked beginning of the week if he fancied a cuppa and he made out he was really busy and then spontaneously phoned last night to come around. Always on his terms.
He made a point that we can’t have a s3xual relationship because it’s not what i want, but kept pointing out that he finds it so hard to keep his distance from me and he wanrs me so much etc, well things started to get heated and I asked him not to start things if he was just going to leave halfway thru (again)…and then that’s exactlt what he did do. Started things and then left – making out it was more respectful to me to leave after gettimg handsy as opposed to leaving straight after having sex – and he left to go to meet his girlfriend. I cried the minute he l3ft, absolutely full of self-hatred. I haven’t hated myself for ages. My head is f–ked. I can’t even say we’re friends because we’re not, not really, we pretend to be friends, but we’re not.
I don’t want sympathy – I don’t deserve it. I’ve gone into this with my eyes closed, knowing full well I need to leave Nd cut him out. I just dobt know how to walk away – he has definite perp potential and he knows my original perp. I’m terrified of doing anything that p-sses him off to the extent he tells my perp where I am, or worse, aids my perp in court by providing witness of my ‘bad character’. And there’s a huge part of me that doesn’t even want to walk away, that feels like I can’t, and I dob’t know why.
I’ve made this mess for myself and willungly and knowingly put myself in this situation, and by extension, my son. I just dont know what to do now. Sorry for such a long post – and the spelling mistakes – this is the first time I’ve ever bought any of this into the open… so thank you for reading it!
Much love to you all, LBP. Xx
22nd January 2016 at 10:07 am #8132
Sorry to hear the scenario u got in, but well done for recognising the signs and posting on here, we on here to support each another no matter what we deceide to do as support is so important. Ok so reading your posts, u pick up his behaviour is wrong, it is, u can sense he is having realtionship on his rules, he is, i can pick up he is triggering of fears in u, u need to call womens aid again and get support and advise how to keep away from him, i can only think send one final message its over not working out and u want no further contact, then get new sim and change your no and only give to close friemds, this way u fight the temptaion of picking his calls up, i know he will turn up at your house, go to bk room and put your ear plugs in, u have to fight this again, r u seeking counselling, i find my counsellor really helps and makes me reflect, he is having his cake and cream, try going on a freedom course, im a year out and still on waiting list. do whatever u need to make u strong again
22nd January 2016 at 10:15 am #8134
Thank you for replying hun…
I’ve done the freedom twice before, and even bought Stephen McCrea’s book Jerk Radar -which is spoton! My cpuncelling finished when I mov3d out of the refuge, I didn’t need it anymore.
I want to say to him that we aren’t friends and we areb’t good for each other…but what if he turns to my perp? I’ve lost all trust in this man, whereas before I was certain he’d not betray me, now I feel it’s a very real possibility. I’ve made a rotten mess for myself I really have.
22nd January 2016 at 10:17 am #8135lover of no contactParticipant
You are so courageous to post. You are right, whatever we bring out into the open (a safe place like this forum) will lose its power over us.
Don’t blame yourself, we’re only human. These men are cunning, know how to charm (to get a hold and power over us). We are vulnerable and want to be loved.
Attention from a man we are attracted to is very hard to refuse especially when they are putting out all the signs. It can tap into our very normal need to be loved and cherished by a man. We have been treated so badly (and used) on every level by our abusers. We just want to be loved and held.
I’m sure your situation is not as uncommon as you suspect, you have been so brave to post, it will help many ladies on here. We are very vulnerable after leaving an abusive relationship, very vulnerable to another abuser which yours definitely sounds like.
Confused123 gave great advice. Keep coming on here with your thoughts and feelings. We’ll support you in getting free from him. Try and be very gentle with yourself. This is just a set-back.
22nd January 2016 at 10:53 am #8136
I feel like a bit of a failure if I’m honest, I saw each sign as it popped up and just shut my eyes to it all. Silly girl.
I think part of the reason is because we aren’t in a relationship with each other – he’s witg someone else and I’m just effectively the scarlett woman? So it’s somehow not as bad as if we were together?
I’m not afraid of him. Not at all. I’m afraid of what he could do with the knowledge he has – that I’ve given him.. (detail removed by moderator)
Thank you both so much for what you’ve written xx
22nd January 2016 at 2:07 pm #8142
we doubt ourselves more, u will be beleived, just be careful what further information u share with this person, truth as painful as it is holds up in end,i had police officer call me today about historical abuse i reported and they were saying did u ever have any injuries,i go no cause he used to punch me in my head and my body just never bruised, he said tome it doesnt matter no body had right to do that and just cause u didnt brusie doesnt minimise the fact that it was wrong, i could of just cried , so if this new man thinks by saying your word has no value cause u had an affair with a married person, well first of all that has nothing to do with it, no means no, and how would he feel about it getting out he was cheating and also an abuser , if he names and shame u , he will be named and shame too, getting justice is hard, stay strong, continuing posting on here and get support to get yourself out of this situation, u not stupid so dont think that , they just know how to target us
22nd January 2016 at 2:43 pm #8144Eve1Participant
It’s very brave of you to post on here.
I hope the advice you’ve had really helps.
You’re not a failure, you were vulnerable and he took advantage really.
Something similar happened to me and I don’t think I’ve dealt with it yet. I’m going to see counsellor soon and I really want to speak about it there. Keep strong
22nd January 2016 at 8:58 pm #8159
Confused123 that sounds awful – it’s hard to ‘prove’ the truth if they don’t leave visible marks :/ my ex was the same, he was too ‘smart’ to leave bruises. I hope your counselling comes through soon, it really does help so so much xx
Thank you both for your messages… I spoke to the DC in charge of my case today and confided in her about the new man and my worries there. She told me I shouldn’t stay because I’m afraid that he could ruin me. She says that I can have relationships, however illadvised, and it can’t and won’t have any affect on my case as it’s irrelevant to what happened with my ex.
I ignored his phonecall for the first time ever today, sent him a quick text hours later and when he called back much later I told him I coudn’t talk and hung up.
Thank you for the advice… I feel a little better after talking to my DC about it. Just takes ending it now… xx
23rd January 2016 at 4:53 am #8163SaharaDParticipant
I’m typing this on my kindle on a far away beach holiday so please bear with my mistakes.
We all have ups and downs. But we should practise self love and self acceptance.
Firstly you are not silly or an idiot or a failure. Even when you say you feel this way, it’s not a real feeling.
Since going through DV and mental illness I take a psychological view on everything so that I can make choices that are not going to sabotage my physical as well as mental well being. I also tend to put the mental before the physical. I want to be at peace with myself. Loving and accepting myself. Something I think I pick up on that you are having a hard time doing.
I just make a few statements and opinions which I hope you can prove or disprove with factual evidence about yourself.
Explore why you didn’t heed warnings or see red flags or ignored red flags. I date a selection of different men for an intimate connection. Others see this as risky and promiscuous and not the done thing. For me it’s a coping mechanism. If I didn’t go on these dates I would spend a lot of time in isolation which I know is bad for my mental health. I take as many precautions as possible like not disclosing where I work or live, always taking condoms even if I think nothing will happen, meeting in a public place and letting someone know where I am. If my gut tells me something is off, I don’t ignore it and protect my vulnerabilities. So far I don’t feel messed up in the head, thoughts or feelings about my contact with these men.
If you can replace him with another support network or system. None of the men I date know my past or my deepest or darkest parts. I try not to lean on them for emotional or otherwise support. They offer me gifts and money and practical support but mostly I decline (although this can be hard if it’s a physical gift and you are in the middle of a restaurant) and seek to be independent.
Everyone who treats you nice isn’t always doing so in your best interests. I’ve learnt that the hard way. Explore what makes you fall for people so quickly instead of remaining aloof. Explore what you are feeling and thinking when you don’t stick to no contact with this new man. One of my rules is that if a man or another person refuses to plan you into their lives and expects you to accommodate them at the last minute means they don’t value and respect your time , effort and energy or theirs. They also are not owned your accommodating them.
I think when we have bouts of self hatred we should challenge that with evidence as to why we are ok and lovable and acceptable.
You deserve our empathy and sympathy, not sure why you don’t think so.
We all have choices to make sometimes without full resources, skills and knowledge. We do the best we can. Wise mindful choices combined our self esteem boosting emotions and feelings with the best rational choice that does not negate those self esteem boosters. I shall use myself as and example. I’m on holiday.the best rational choice was not to go on holiday due to be being in a council bed and breakfast after my private rented flat was condemned. However, that choice would negate my self esteem by losing the money paid, not being given the chance of respite from my life, not being able to celebrate being debt and abuser free and not being given the opportunity to practice extreme self love and self acceptance at a difficult time in my life. So I choose to go on holiday and set up a contingency to deal with the consequences from the council when I return to the UK. Thereby keeping my identity, esteem and physical and mental wellbeing intact.
Fear stops us doing things that we know are good for us. I say feel the fear and do it anyway. I fear the council cancelling my b and b booking while I’m away but I fear more the impact of cancelling would have on my ability to cope mentally and physically. So I said stuff them, I deserve and need this holiday!
I spent (detail removed by Moderator) years in relationships, trying to dedicate myself to and figure out other people, boyfriends, fiances and husband. I plan on spending the next (detail removed by Moderator) all dedicated to me! I don’t fear being alone or dying alone anymore. I’m having a fantastic holiday alone!
I hope I don’t come across as bossy or a know it all. Just explore yourself and look at yourself in the mirror. Only you know you best.
You got rid of one abuser/toxic person, I’m sure you can do it again for yourself and your son.
Ps you are not Scarlett because his royal king of the castle isn’t married. I am the adulteress because I’m still married to the abuser but I will be d****d if let a man who tried to kill me stop me from living life and taking lovers who treat me and make me feel better.
23rd January 2016 at 9:22 am #8171
Sahara, I’m really grateful you posted on here…of everyone else you’ve alwayd been the one to give me a stiff talking to if I’ve needed one… I’m glad to hear you’re sunning yourself, I hope it’s somewhere exotic with cocktails and such! You most certainly deserve it 🙂
Everything yiu’ve said resonates so much – to the extent I’ve cried and smudged all my make-up. Please forgive the spelling – my phone and I don’t get along.
I think in truth I’m lonely…my attempts at getting voluntary work have utterly failed, I live in a tiny village and there’s no one even remotely close to my age to talk to and I can rarely afford the bus fare to get into town, and it’s just so far to walk – especially in this cold wet weather. The good friend I made in the refuge continuously lets me down and systematically never there, ever. And all my family and 2 otger friends are so far away. I can’t have any sort of online presence – in the sense of meeting new people or making new friends – because of the risk of my ex finding me. I can go for weeks on end simply not seeing anyone at all.
When I ran into this new man – he was an old acquaintance/friend from my hometown all those years ago – it was just so nice to have someone from my old life back again. Initiallt I was so wary of him, because of his contacts in my hometown, and I tried to avoid him. But my drink got spiked one night and I ended up spending all night sitting on the sofa talking to this guy, and after that I wasn’t wary anymore. My gut has said he’s all good…he’s the ‘one’ and that he’s meant to be in my life. For ages there weren’t any warning signs at all -except the girlfriend and a past drug habit- and now it’s the jealousy and the, for lack of a better phrase, sexual control (in that he starts sexual activity but then rejects me when I invite him to take things further) that’s really bugging me. And the obvious fear that he’ll ruin me.
I think I want to be loved and to feel loved, however pathetic that probably sounds. I convince everyone else that I’m happy on my own, and mostly I am, but my heart yearns for that feeling of being in love and being loved and finding that person to grow old with… and he more or less makes me feel loved. Which before was amazing, but now only serves to confuse me… even the other night he was stroking my face and hair, kissing me gently and holding me close to him as he said goodbye? I feel very confused.. like I can’t see the wood for the trees -or whatever that saying is.
I know I need to leave…but part of me doesn’t really want to/ can’t.
Anyway, I really hope you enjoy your holiday and hope the council don’t get the hump over it. Every woman needs and fully deserves to relax on the beach – particularly if she’s been thru what yoy have!
25th January 2016 at 7:44 pm #8315SaharaDParticipant
Hello LBP, I get my plain straight talking from my parents and grandmother. The tactlessness is all the parents fault. Maybe I will get better with age although old people are really frank and dont give two hoots.
Oh heebie jeebies and spine shivers when you said sexual control, is he just slowly turning into every type of dominator character in the Freedom Programme?
I don’t know what to suggest apart from taking up knitting…..are there no community groups at all in the village? No village activities? Pub quiz? Social media group? I’ve always lived in a city often within walking distance to the town centre. Now I’m hiding in a bigger city than before so there is loads of activities. I play football with some local women from church. I go to support group and I can go to three other women’s groups if I want. People in my support group suffer with mental illness and the job centre is always threatening them with voluntary work.
When I started looking for work with the job centre, they paid for my travel to the specialist agencies and then when I got the job, they gave me a travelcard. In the cities I have lived in they had travelcards, for bus, train or tram. I don’t really know how people get about in rural areas and I don’t know what the job centre does for you out there.
Pulling pints for free in the village pub? Decorating the village church? Stacking shelves in the village post office/shop? Assisting in the village nursery or primary school or chippie?
Don’t give up keep trying.
26th January 2016 at 12:47 am #8353AyannaParticipant
What if you do to him the same what men do to women: dump him and deny everything ….
26th January 2016 at 9:56 pm #8401
Unfortunately there’s nothing at all in my village…and I’ll have to speak to CAB before starting work to ensure I can still afford to live and childcare for my son. As for voluntary work…I asked at the pub in the next village and the car showroom but they dont need volunteers. We don’t even have a local shop or post office. The job centre don’t do anything and the buses are so expensive, and it’s about a half hour to the nearest town on the bus. Because of the age of my child i’m not on jobseekers alowance, am on income support, and won’t have to go back to work until he’s school-aged – can’t afford it either with the cost of childcare.
I wish I could block his number but something’s holding me back and I don’t know what. But there are definite things that make me feel plain awful…i struggle with sex anyway due to my ex…and it’s only been the past couple times he’s seemed to be headwork-y and a bit controlling with sex. I learnt on the Freedom programme that building you up to knock yoy back down is sexual control…and that’s what he’s doing now by instigating sexual activity and then rejecting my advances. Urgh ny head is very messed up?
Ayanna, I’m not sure what you mean hun?
Thank you for listening to my ranblings. Xx
26th January 2016 at 11:08 pm #8408foggyhereParticipant
As the others say – you are not an idiot. If it was easy to avoid these men, this site wouldn’t exist. I consider myself very intelligent, however my last three relationships:
1) guy who’s going to leave his partner (except of course he doesn’t and strings me along for a very long time)
2) guy who likes to push and place hands on throat when arguing. Final straw – he punched me in the face when he was drunk
3) two weeks after number 2, my husband. Much more subtle this time – all emotional stuff. So many red flag, but I married him and had his baby.
Yeah, so I’m super intelligent (really, I am), but I keep very bad company.
27th January 2016 at 8:07 am #8425
Thank you foggyhere – I think I have terrible taste in men too…I suppose if I didn’t I wouldn’t be here!
27th January 2016 at 8:22 am #8428
Always praise yourself for asking support, that itself is hard, ok so we made a lot of bad decision about who we chose, lets get over that even though hard and think how we going to move forward, ok if job centre cant help u ask your support advisor who can guide and help u . u r doing ever so well, u cant block him u say, ask yourself why do u want contact with someone as low as him, he doesnt respect u , u know that too , we fall for there lines thats why we have to do no contat, just press that block button on your phone, even if for a day, slowly it will build up and u will be able to block for longer , we need support to fight these men all the way, people told me when i left to do same,did i listen ,no, nut u know what i realized one day wheni have no contact or dont hear from him,i am amazingly strong and continous reminders that i need to block him, dont owe him nothing ,i did it in end i block him, when i couldnt block him id walk out of room when phone rang and it was him, i put it on silent, do whatever helps u
27th January 2016 at 9:25 am #8437
In a nutshell, I’m lonely. Am still very isolated because of issues with my perp and can literally go two/three weeks without seeing anyone at all.
I don’t kbow what it is about this new man that keeps me here, i’ve given up believing him when he says he’s leaving his girlfriend or when he complains how awful she is – he’s a liar and is stringing me along. And I’m letting him.
Maybe it’s my own lonliness, maybe it’s because these issues have only in the past few months arisen and beforehand things were more or less fine, and we were really good friends aswell. Everything feels different now. I know what I’ve got to do…but the thought of never speaking to him again is horrid, it’s so final. And it’d have to be, I can’t even kid myself that taking a break would make any difference – we tried that before and didnt speak for a couple months and when we did start talking again the feelings were stronger than ever, so to cut him out would have to be forever. 🙁
27th January 2016 at 10:23 am #8440
THink u know truth deep down, u r lonely, i am too, u know his never gonna leave his wife , its just deciding if u want to allow this guy to use u, again has to be your choice, am here to support u whatever u decide
27th January 2016 at 10:33 am #8441
Thank you x
I think when you can see all the signs and know unequivocally the tactics he’s using – then it gets to a point where you set the bar for how you will accept being treated. And gradually i’ve allowed that bar to be lowered more and more….x
28th January 2016 at 8:11 am #8501SavingmyselfParticipant
I have been cheated on by my ex perp and being cheated on is abusive
So he is an abuser to his other girlfriend if she does not know about his relationship with you he is gas lighting her and also she is being tricked into having sex with him with out knowing he is having sex with someone else
So he does not love any one but himself
If he finished with her and came to you . You would then be thinking when he is not around that he could be cheating on you as he is a liar and a cheat
This happened to me my ex cheated on me with someone . Then spent most of his time with her . Telling her he has finished with me
And to this day he will not stop texting me wanting to have sex with me and to have me around too . So all she got was the same cheater I had .
His abuse had really messed with my head . He also complained to her how awful I was . Yet tells me we were the best together .
Hope my story helps
28th January 2016 at 11:01 pm #8543
Thank you hun, i appreciate you sharing your story.
I too was cheated on by my perp -who said all those usual things, and all the things the new man says to me, to all the girls he cheated with.
An update – he phoned tonight and asked to come down, so I agreed wuth the sole intention of ending things with him on the basis of our not even being friends, just people that can’t not have sex.
This evening we sat and just talked for tge first time in absolutely months, had a proper chat like we used to, watch3d a bit of a film together, sat on the same sofa…no awkwardness, no one instigating sexual contact, nothibg. Like friends. How we used to. And so I didn’t say anything. There’s no way he could have known what i was going to say, none at all. So my resolve has been challenged – if we can be just friends then I have no issued having him in my life at all. And tonight we definutely seemed to take a step forward in behaving as friends and nothung more. Oh i don’t know.
Sorry aboyt the poor spelling!
29th January 2016 at 12:43 am #8554SavingmyselfParticipant
Yes just taking a step back sounds a good idea
Look after you
Big hugs xx
29th January 2016 at 1:56 pm #8570
Thats good but i think at some point u are going to have to make that clear to him that u r just friends , i think his backing of on purpose as he knows u r about to end, be on guard, try not contact him if possible
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