19th February 2020 at 11:48 am #98059IwanttobehappyagainParticipant
I’m new here but feom the previous posts I have found this forum very helpful.
I have been married for (detail removed by moderator) years now but it really has been the worat part of my life. After the wedding we experienced many financial issues which resulted in my husband calling me names and becoming physically abusive. I reached out to family and even moved out and stayed with family for almost (detail removed by moderator). He turned the story around and made it seem like everything was my fault by telling everyone that since he married me I have been draining his finances but I was paying for everything; rent, bills, food, clothes, childcare and anything that needed to be paid for. Even if he had made payment promises for anything he expected me to pay or would abuse me. I got into so much debt and struggling to get out.
After (detail removed by moderator) apart and all the family meetings he promised that things would change. They were ok for about (detail removed by moderator) months and I am expecting my (detail removed by moderator) child.
However financial issues have arised again because he quit a good paying full time job to work part time, he wasn’t paying for most of the bills or rent whilst I was out of the house and this has now resulted to us facing homelessness with alot of debt on both our names as it was a joint tenancy.
I have reached out to family for help but they believe we should just work it out because that’s what the culture expects. I’ve also told them of the physical abuse but they believe I provoke him and I’m being accused of not being a good wife because I’m sharing personal information.
I dnt know what to do as I’m no longer working so I wouldn’t be able to afford a house and won’t get a reference as there is a huge debt on the house.
19th February 2020 at 2:47 pm #98078CecileParticipant
Hi there I so understand what you are saying. Culture and family are everything and when they are not only absent when we are at our most vulnerable, but also part of the abuse (which is how I read their support for the abuse you are experiencing) then it seems so hopeless.I am from a white British culture but had the same experience. I poured my heart out to my mother who drew it out of me using tea nd sympathy. I told her everything. Then she told me and every one in the locality that my marriage was a failure and it was my fault. And worse. So I stayed with him for even longer, just as I was on the cusp of freedom, desperate to prove I could make a success of it and I fell in with denying it was abuse, to try and get my parents and siblings approval.
Long story short, I am no longer in touch with any of them. The reason I go for abusive men is because that is my attachment pattern, due to the emotional abuse I experienced since I was born from my mother.I am happier for this. It was a mutual rejection in a way.I had always feared losing them but actually because they did not love me or protect me there was no sense of loss. Rejection from parents crosses all cultures, it is a human condition that is rarely spoken off. All cultures offer children protection, attachment and emotional development when born. Abuse is however not dependent upon cultures, it is a family and inididual behaviour. Do they believe physical violence is a crime? I bet they do. Why should you be subjected to criminal behaviours?
Please contact women aid. Make a journal of abuses to you, and make an escape plan. Take advice from the many many wonderful women on this website. because you are from an ethnic minority does not mean that you should not be offered the protection of the law of the land you live in.
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