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hello all,
I haven’t posted for a while but things haven’t improved if anything they have become far worse.
He has now gone to the GP and explained his moods, has also had his first assessment with a mental health nurse and has to monitor his behavior and emotions (detail removed by moderator) – he started doing this last week, I read what he had written, it was heartbreaking – yet he has stopped writing things down now. His parents knew about the assessment but have offered zero support which upsets me as I feel they have abandoned me and their grandchildren- think they are burying their head in the sand.
The abuse has been full on during this time, he swears at me, calls me names, says I am mad, says its all my fault that I am a pathetic person. That I have no empathy or understanding, I am useless… all of those things. Says he can’t be with me that he is going to leave, and can’t decide which one of my single friends he is going to ***k first. He has threatened suicide twice (detail removed by moderator) because I said if he feels that then perhaps he should leave, he can’t live without me, yet he has thrown things in anger, and pushed me swearing in my face. He says its because of the way I am. When he asked me to explain why I was an emotionless arrogant b@tch and I explain that it’s the situation we are in and they way he speaks and treats me he ridicules me saying that I accept no responsibility for anything. It’s because of you, the way that you are…..the odd thing is I am so desensitized to it, all of it, whilst I cry I truly feel that I am removed from the cruel comments – is that normal? I laughed at him (detail removed by moderator) he said that I as an arrogant b@tch…not the right thing to do in hindsight but I can’t let him say these things and it was out of shock really
He says that we’d have to move out if we break up, sell our home, that the children and I will have nowhere to go. He is bankrupt so the reality is that we would have to sell and his share of the equity would have to go to the trustee leaving me with not enough for a deposit or any hope of buying another place to live. He could or wouldn’t give me a penny of maintenance as his money is tied up. This hangs over me. I don’t know what to do, as I said I feel nothing towards him not even sympathy any more, I am angry that this is happening to me and more importantly to our children, I love them more than life, they know that and they know I will do anything for them. I feel strong, but am aware every time I assert myself it triggers worse behavior from him. It’s like when you are watching yourself go through something but from above, if that makes sense…is that normal???
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Yes, the way you see things is normal. It is a way of coping in this extremely difficult situation.
Did you speak to Rights of Women?
You need to start the ball rolling for securing a home for yourselves. You could also inquire at the CAB.
Are you sure you will not get enough deposit? Maybe size down?The sooner you get out the better, also because of his bankruptcy. It can affect affect your credit score.
It is better he struggles alone and you are away from his abuse.Keep posting!
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last night I was told off like a child for not putting his laundry away properly, he shouted at me and said he couldn’t live with this chaos, in this chaotic and unorganised life. That I was b****y useless, and not to go anywhere near his f@@king stuff again. I was told I was stupid..I just sit in silence ignoring his words, inside my hatred grows, how can he expect me to love him, to be more passionate, to want him, if he treats me like a two year old. His Mother speaks to his Dad like that, so I guess it’s what he is used to. what he thinks is normal, it’s not, how should I react without making it worse? I can not sit back and take it so I shut down, glaze over, feel like it’s not me he is talking about, become withdrawn and do not react at all. Is that normal, I feel so disassociated from him. Is that normal after years of torment and abuse? think its self preservation
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Hi, I recognise that dissociation. Does your skin feel numb in a funny kind of way? The laughing could be nerves too. I laugh when I am nervous and I try to ‘joke’ with someone to get them to smile. Inside I fear them and my stomach is in knots. I would think it was fear, disguised as something else. Xx
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it does yes, I feel numb like I am just going through the motions – like an outer body experience. He is now arguing with my son, he shouts at him and looses his temper with him and he says one story my son the other – I believe my son so that causes arguments, my son doesn’t like his own father…..so I have to make an exit strategy as soon as possible. He has also started pushing me, and threw something at me (detail removed by moderator)- it hit me, so things have escalated since I have become more distant, I don’t know if that’s part of the control thing, but he has lost me and I am not going back. From what I have read things do get worse when you start to feel like that but last night I was frightened and it gave me a wake up call. He wants us to talk tonight but I can’t. I can’t forgive or excuse his behaviour. Enough is enough…that’s how I feel now, last night I was physically sick and cried myself to sleep again because I am ‘ a f@@king c**t who has no backbone, I am weak, I am useless, I am pathetic, I am a b@tch. Today I feel enlightened and strong, angry…why me??????? What I have I done to deserve this?
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You didn’t do anything. You were just there and when the abuse started you stayed, so he carried on. I can honestly say I was only ever civil to the abusive man I have been involved with. I don’t ask myself ‘what did I do’ anymore, because I have gained some distance and I know I didn’t do anything. I have seen his pattern of abuse, witnessed that he transfers it onto others, and recognised that the issue is with him and becomes a problem for anyone who is unwittingly hanging around him. He will dump it on someone, somewhere, sometime. I sometimes tell myself that he must think ‘it’s nothing personal’, because I am not really ‘real’ to him. More a plaything, and someone to keep in her place either by coercion or aggression. Your getting roused about ‘not going back’ is something significant to you in a different way than for him. He will disrupt your relationship with your child. He will have you doubting each other, because it’s ‘divide and conquer’. The dysfunction is useful to the perpetuation of the abusive control because everyone feels confused, hurt and in a fog. Keep your plans, your strategy to yourself, don’t give him a heads up. Just be mindful that you could bounce from fear to anger to apathy. I know you write he has mental health issues from previous trauma, but if he were out of control for mental health reasons would he not be sectioned under the Mental Health Act? He is considered to have the capacity for self control? Xx
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I think that is a symptom rather than a cause, as is his own insecurities from his childhood. He doesn’t know how to be in a normal relationship. I do not make excuses for him, he is pretty messed up and seems to expel his emotions on to me sadly these are mostly of anger and frustration. He is so self centred it’s almost funny….she laughs nervously….really I can not understand a man who has so little regard than for anyone but themselves, he takes not responsibility for anything and projects on to others, usually me. I guess what I now perceive as normal most people wouldn’t and what I see as not much is massive to others….even this morning when I couldn’t find a pair of woolly tights…’ it would only take you ten fu’king minutes, wouldn’t it FFS hurry up’ I’ve spoken to someone now at (detail removed by Moderator) have to call one of the counselors back for a chat so things are moving, but I don’t know what I should do
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I think you should be in touch with women’s aid. Can he function in society. Would he speak this way to a shop keeper, a doctor, a neighbor? I made excuses for my husbands behaviour until I realised he could control his temper around everyone but me. And only when there were no witnesses. It’s shocking to realise the abuse is planned. Women’s aid were excellent st explaining. I was desperate to blame his behaviour on anything but the fact he was a nasty self serving abuser who would totally destroy my mental health if i let him.
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Hello, hope you are okay. KIP is right about speaking with a domestic abuse adviser, especially to discuss what you do next. Even if he hasn’t experienced a normal relationship, he will know when he does something that hurts you, won’t he? I know someone who had a relative sectioned under the Mental Health Act. They were attacked by this person, viciously, but it was an act of deteriorating sanity from which they never recovered. Domestic abuse, gender crime, isn’t an act of insanity, although I know it gets explained as n********m or psychopathy (which to me is transference of accountability). Anyway, noone can tell you what to do or predict the outcome. Except, having suffered from long term domestic abuse as a child, and adult, I know that it doesn’t get any better, and life (mental, social, physical) deteriorates and breaks. You are the one running a risk here, because you are the one at risk from the violence and abuse. You have to do what protects yourself and your children. That’s what I think. Xx
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Hi itmustbemesurely,
It is great to hear you have spoken to a support group, did you manage to speak to one of the counsellors? Or to Women’s Aid?
Often there is a need or hope to find a reason for why abusive behaviour is happening but it is important to remember there is no excuse for abuse. This includes linking mental health or disorders with abusive behaviour as already mentioned by KIP and Older Lady. The only person who is responsible for abusive behaviour is the person who is being abusive.
Only you can decide your next step but there is support along the way. If you would like to talk confidentially to discuss your options then the 24hr National Domestic Violence Helpline is available on 0808 2000 247. The Helpline can be a listening service as well as signposting you to other helpful organisations.
Keep posting to us when you can, there will always be support here for you.
Best wishes,
Lisa
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Agree with all of the above, definitely speak to someone. He is using all the tactics – verbal, emotional and physical abuse and threatening suicide etc to keep you from being able to think straight. I had a similar experience and he claimed he was mentally ill but it was interesting he was only ever abusive towards me and never anyone else and always behind closed doors. Definitely think you would find it helpful to talk through on the helpline but there is no excuse for his actions. Hope you are ok, do not believe his accusations and what he is calling you xx
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he isn’t like it with anyone else, although his social circle has altered massively and our mutual friends have asked what’s wrong, he seems angry and annoyed with the world. If I don’t revolve around him he is annoyed – he behaves like a petulant child who doesn’t get attention, obviously my priority is with the children if they call me I go to them and support or do whatever they need me to, listen to what they want to tell me, get them a drink whatever it is and he sulks. Really it is quite odd, very childish and I ignore him…..I in fact ignore him most of the time, seems like he belittles me at any opportunity but I ignore him….certainly don’t rise to it just dismiss it as I know that I am a decent, good, kind person with a wonderful circle of friends who do support me.Writing here as helped me gain clarity and whilst it does get to me, of course it would be impossible for it not to, I do know that it’s him, his behavior, his issue. Pathetic as I am though, I don’t think I have the strength to leave him.
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