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Yesterday for the first time in months between me & my adult son, managed to clean the house, it took every last bit of strength we both have, but we managed it. I was exhausted afterwards & so was he, but we made a huge effort & fee like it was a huge positivity. I laid awake for the best part of the night & when I did drop off to sleep woke up in the usual panicked, drenched in sweat, Reliving parts of those last few years, wondering how or why I didn’t get help until it was far too late & I was far too ill too, to find the strength to get away from him, then the usual floods of tears that no one believes you, that’s the awful part. Anyway I got up feeling in quite a dreadful state again, looked at our cleaning from yesterday & thought is this a positive sign I’m a little stronger? I so hope it is and that I won’t keep falling backwards, Baby steps, fairy steps, slow painful steps too, trying to keep looking forwards, some days I feel distraught too, still hear his controlling & I blame myself for so much about me, criticise myself constantly, feel like I am him, that is terrifying that I believed his opinion of me. Still feel worthless, useless & so mentally weak too, but just something as simple as cleaning the house has felt positive xx
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Morning Blueberry 🙂
So many positives in your post…you did get help…you are alive therefore is was not too late..you cleaned your house too and you and your son are physically FREE :-)))) A clear measure of how you are not useless, worthless or weak! His brainwashing tactics are residual toxins infiltrating your good thinking..one day too your mind will rid itself of his controlling influences.
You’re doing good 🙂 Even when you think you aren’t you are. You’re allowed to feel pleased with your achievements.
He can never harm you again – you survived him!!
Best piece of advice I ever heard was this…’Stop rating yourself on a minute by minute basis and accept what you feel or think instead of fighting it and analysing it, which is in essence a form of self harming ..what’s done is done, don’t care who THEY are, don’t care what THEY are or are not doing..the rating game keeps us in a loop of self loathing, scathing negative criticism and does not help us..it also allows them to a small degree to still be driving our thinking and behaviours which they have absolutely NO right to..’
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Hi Ilovemusic, Thank You for all of that, I try so hard not to be so hard on myself but that’s incredibly difficult to do, It is like we don’t have the right to our own opinion, I have felt good though waking up to a clean house. I need to keep up with it though, and pray that my energy levels allow me to. It’s very much a day to day thing, one which I don’t plan & within moments some days I come crashing down again, I know it’s mind over matter, which is so difficult to do, We are away from home though you are right, I don’t feel free yet as know I’ve been so seriously ill through him, that the future will be difficult to say the least, I absolutely have to get stronger mental health wise & health wise too, I must do that as I have to learn how to survive independently not keep being scared & haunted by his breaking me down into this traumatised wreck, 1 day at a time, even though I am still very scared of long term survival as I am so weak & still feel scared of his threats, it’s life itself I don’t trust, to believe in myself again would be a blessing xx
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I Love Music: thanks for that bit of advice. I’m swiping that one!
Blueberry: how uncanny, I’ve just posted about how I cleaned all day yesterday, and felt empowered. I didn’t feel up to such intense work until now- so to me, it seems you’re massively strong.
It shows you have the strength to blow the cobwebs away and your need to clean shows that you have a little shoot inside you that’s leaning towards the light! It will slowly grow and flower!
You’re stronger than you think!
Remember- your life is yours. You need to live for yourself first, for others second.
Our abusers and maybe dysfunctional family members lied when they made us feel that we should sacrifice everything for them.
Do whatever makes you happy- without any guilt. Your abuser is a grown man- he had no right to demand so much of you. Abusers are needy, overbearing, monopolising, critical and judgemental.
Your were clearing a space in your house so you have room to grow, and sanitising your life of his poison!
Onwards and upwards!
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Hi Serenity I was positive but again today back down my other post shows. It is an emotional roller coaster hey from some days hour to hour xx
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