This topic contains 7 replies, has 6 voices, and was last updated by  Lostmonkey 5 months, 3 weeks ago.

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  • #84380
     Just wanted to matter 

    It’s such a long story I can’t even bring myself to type it out, just yet.
    So many part of my (detail removed by moderator) months relationship I caught him in lies and deceit (no cheating, that I know of!). And every time he wormed his way out of it, or made me feel sorry for him. I loved him unconditionally, so I probably wasn’t strong enough to take a step back and see the flags.
    He played on his mental health issues, using them as an excuse for his behaviour. Depression and anxiety.
    Made me feel sorry for him, forgive his lies.
    I was also too embarrassed to speak to anyone about the things I uncovered, I knew people would tell me to run a mile. And I didn’t want that. I wanted (inside my head) for this to be a blip (should’ve realised it wasn’t after the 6th, 7th etc. time!) At first he was amazing, made me feel like I never had. He LOVED, he was passionate. I wanted that person back, so I plod on.
    I withdrew, had no confidence. Daren’t go anywhere in fear of leaving him alone to his own devices. He needed attention, he needed to feel like he was a good person. He sought that from anyone that would give it. Even though I was standing right in front of him giving him everything. The problem was, as the months when on, his lies and betrayals affected me, I became low, not so much fun, sad.

    Every time I stayed with him, I hoped he would do something to prove how sorry he was and how much I meant to him. But he didn’t In his mind, because I had stayed, the event couldn’t matter or affect me anymore. I tried not to let them, but he then did something else, layer after layer. It brought all the other things to the surface.
    We argued, I “brought him down”…..but I was so low because of his treatment of me. He made me think I was going crazy, denying things I was sure of, then weeks/months later I would get confirmation and he would admit it. Sent me loopy. My head just didn’t know what was real, what was a lie. I started seeing lies in everything, which was probably not even the case, but he’d sent me into this turmoil.

    He was lazy, I did everything. He used his depression as a reason he didn’t’ sleep at night and why he slept all day, and whilst I know that is a legitimate thing to some people, I am so sure he isn’t depressed. He just feels guilt but isn’t familiar with the feeling, he knows what he does to people (his ex included) is so terribly wrong. Yet he does it, as it is what he wants to do. He doesn’t care if you break down in front of him crying. But over the years, it’s caught up on him. So whereas we would feel guilty and want to make things OK, he is “low and depressed” because his life if so rubbish.
    Makes my blood boil, after what he does to people, how he breaks then how dare he feel he is low. He destroys, and he is depressed?
    Maybe he is.
    Maybe I am too angry still and just want to find another reason to hate him.
    I am strong, at least I was. I did everything. I let him chip away at me, piece by piece, until I was no longer fun to him.
    He has cried and said he knows he’s broken me.
    He has cried and admitted he thinks he has something mentally wrong with him.
    He says he hates himself for what he’s done to people.
    Then within 24 hours he does it again.
    We are broken up, ((detail removed by moderator) weeks) I haven’t’ heard from him for (detail removed by moderator) days now. I know it is for the best.
    But I just don’t understand why I just didn’t matter. For months I kept saying to him he made me feel like I didn’t’ matter. He kept saying I did, but never did anything to show it, if anything he made it worse by lying about something and getting caught again.
    How can someone do that to a human they say they love?
    I cannot comprehend it. I feel silly, I feel sad, I feel hurt, I feel angry.
    Maybe I love too strong, I don’t know. But for a short (detail removed by moderator) month relationship, after years of knowing someone (or at least thinking you do) he’s really done a number on me.
    Just after someone to talk to, someone who may have felt or feels like this.
    I have suspicions he may have some deep routed mental issues, verging on sociopathic. He has family members with mental health issues, I don’t know if that’s relevant.
    Thanks for reading, and sorry I haven’t dived deep into exactly what he did. It’s just so long and I am trying to forget it 🙁

  • #84385

    Hi there JWTM and welcome to the forum x

    You do matter x I just wanted to start off by saying that to you x

    I’m really sorry to read your story and what you have gone through with him. It sounds very emotionally abusive to me even if you haven’t dived deep – and it’s okay to not dive deep, you can post as much or as little in whichever depth is comfortable to you, this is a really good start and I hope it can help make you feel a little better just getting it out there.

    Many people suffer with mental health conditions. But not all of them lie and deceive people. Abuse is a choice and oftentimes the only explanation for their behaviour is that an abuser abuses because they choose to. I’ve heard of many abusers who have used their mental health as an excuse (yet most of them rarely do anything to treat these things they claim to suffer from) and many abusers will also blame alcohol or substance abuse. These are rarely the cause but rather a symptom. Have you ever read “Why Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bancroft? I found it very helpful to read and I think it could be beneficial for you too.

    As you write yourself, he has the insight to say that he doesn’t like what he does to people and that he has broken you and yet he chooses to carry on that way. Abusers rarely change. He will destroy people and then blame his mental health rather than take full responsibility because it gives him a get out of jail free card. He doesn’t have to face the consequence of his actions instead using mental health to get sympathy and someone to care for him.

    Even when we stay, past events can still be hurtful to us and us staying does not mean their responsibility for it just goes away. It’s okay to be angry with what he has done to you and you should be able to tell him that. He should be able to understand this and not diminish it further which is what he is doing, again he avoids the consequence and gets to continue how he wants to continue. It sounds like some serious gaslighting was going on, when he denied something you knew to be true. That’s abusive behaviour and you did not deserve that. You aren’t crazy, he would love to make you think that, but you aren’t. His behaviour is what was crazy making. It’s no wonder you never knew what was real and what was a lie.

    The fault is not in you, it’s in him. You did nothing wrong, you loved and supported him, you tried to make sense of it but he was never going to stop this behaviour of his. They will always be the fairytale version in the beginning and by the end we rarely get to see that person because the abusive man behind the mask is the one we are left to deal with the majority of the time. It’s good you got out of this, you did not deserve to be treated like that and it was not your fault. As you wrote yourself, he does it because it’s what he wants to do – it’s what he chooses to do x

    Keep posting x

  • #84413
     Just wanted to matter 

    Thanks you always sorry.

    I know deep down that he will never change. I know he did similar to his ex, but he fed me stories as to why events unfolded the way they did. That at the time I believed.
    But now I have gone through this, I can see sadly she was just dealing with the same guy I was.

    I think the problem is am trying to comprehend how someone can do that. How they can hurt and lie so easily. As I know I could never do that. But reality is I will never understand. His brain and emotions are wired differently. He sees no wrong in his actions, almost as if he thrives off of seeing someone break.

    I have good days and bad. I want to ask him a million questions, but I know that’s pointless and he will lie or just give me the sob story that he doesn’t know and his head isn’t right.

    He will be with someone else soon, that I am sure of. He needs to feel wanted.someone who hasn’t seen this side of him and idolizes him. Until he breaks her.
    The fact I know that kind of makes it’s easier to digest. Also that he will be someone else problem. But also hurts as it proves all those months I begged him to make me feel like I mattered, it proves I never did.
    Hence why I feel like I was going crazy.

  • #84418

    Hi JWTM x You don’t need to feel silly and even though we might not leave until we’ve been chipped away at one to many times or cruelly discarded, we are strong to have put up with all that we have. Very few understand this. It doesn’t feel like strength but I think it is. You want through a lot by the sounds of it.

    It all sounds too heartbreakingly familiar. The same patterns, the same tactics. I’m amazed all the time by how similar it all is even though we have such unique circumstances. It’s really an eye opener. We on this board understand in ways that no one should ever have to about the harmful effects of abuse.

    One of the hardest things is coming to terms with how someone could treat another person so cruelly whether they said they loved them or not. Mine refused to say he loved me but he would always go on about how wonderful I was to be around, how much care and nurture I gave, how much he wanted things to work out, how he didn’t want to hurt me. It all means nothing at the end of the day. They’re just words and the actions don’t match. No one who hurts in the way that they do can claim to care or love. If they do, it’s only so they can manipulate your feelings and make you feel guilt. Nostalgia. These people are just predators and I cannot understand it myself. Sometimes I’m desperate to understand. But I don’t think these people are coming from a place of reason. In a way it’s good that we can’t understand because I would worry about being able to make sense of the mind of an abusive predator. We have compassion and empathy. It might mean that we get hurt but at least we are not monstrous abusers.

    It’s so hard when you have questions, things you need to say, even if you don’t want to be angry just to talk. This is one of the worst things for me too and I struggle when people remind me that these people don’t and won’t give that to you. They deny you closure. It’s unbelievably callous. Perhaps these people do have personality disorders, who knows. Whether they do or don’t they will do it again. They’ll be smart, maybe do it in a different way. I struggle with this too as I’m convinced it’s only me that he has abused. I can’t find much evidence to suggest otherwise although as I think new things do come to light which I think may point to the fact that he has. It’s difficult to know for certain. Whether he has or he hasn’t his behaviour was particularly bad with me and so perhaps he’s escalating who knows. He’ll probably lay low for a while as he’s scared for his career. These people are unbelievably selfish and clever. You are not crazy and you do absolutely matter.

  • #84422
     Just wanted to matter 

    Hi Beauty Marked,

    Hindsight is a wonderful thing. I looked back and thought, how did I even let it get to what it was? Why was I blinded and allowed him to do these things over and OK and think it would be OK and that he would stop?

    Why did he continue to lie and make out verbally I mattered then do the exact opposite with his actions.

    In our last heated argument, again when I had caught him doing something. I said how would you feel if this was happening to your sister, would you be happy? he was very quiet, and replied No.

    so he’s text me today, a polite hey how are you. and a (detail removed by moderator) Stupidly I replied because I want him to know I am OK, and I am not wallowing in sadness and hurt (even though in reality at times I am). He has since replied, but I am not continuing the conversation.
    I am sure he has messaged just to put his mind at rest, that I am not going round shouting what an a******e he is. That he still kinda has me on side. That even with everything he’s done I can be civil with him. SO that makes him feel like a better human, that he can’t have been that bad if she’s still replying to me.

    I have probably played into his hands a bit by replying. But also it gave me a sense of strength to know he messaged me and now I am not continuing the conversation. Hopefully that will make him realise that, no, we are not OK, we are not friends. I didn’t thinks “yes, he is thinking of me lets keep this conversation going so I can get him back!”

    Maybe it was legitimate, but I highly doubt that.

    I will never know for sure, and that’s what I need to accept.

    When I saw his name pop up, I started shaking. Doesn’t that say it all.



  • #84489

    Hi JWTM, It sounds as if you took up with my ex. I feel for you as he’s used depression and a supposed mental illness as his excuses for years. I think he’s very aware that they trap you with a terrible guilt. Considering cutting him off is made to seem like a monstrous thought because he has given you all his burdens to carry, and you’d be making him pick them up himself.

    You haven’t mentioned it, however, I imagine taking his own life was possibly mentioned. Mentioned subtly alongside things like telling you how you’re his support, how if it wasn’t for you he’d have done it already. Maybe it had got to the stage of him saying how you’d be better off if he did that, or no-one would miss him, or care.

    That’s all manipulation. You have absolutely no reason at all to feel any guilt in cutting him off. He just wants someone there to soak up his abuse and make him feel good because they are still there. He lies to himself that you adore him so much you won’t leave/end the relationship, that despite all the evidence to the contrary you have a perfect, fairytale romance, are soul mates, and you will always be there to give the world the appearance that he is loved by someone.

    I am so glad for you that you have escaped fairly early on. Try to remember that he will not be affected by whether you are doing ok without him as he’s a fantasist and will believe any story he wants to create in his head whatever you say. Any contact at all will make him think you’re still available. Stick with the no contact from here on in if you can.

    Take back your smile, reclaim your heart and enjoy your happy.

    xx ER

  • #84674

    your story is so close to home for me. the pathological lies mind games abuse the head games. and much more that i cant even begin to write about. i snapped i threw him out. iv had a rollercoaster of emotions past week but im free your free we cant let them continue to abuse us. you didn’t deserve any of what he has put you through none of us have. i sincerely hope you find your happy ever after

  • #85069

    Really close to home. Having to come to terms with similar and I am struggling to get past ‘how did I let that happen’ for so long… Been a long time for me. It will always leave a mark but glad you realised quite quickly what was going on and did not keep ignoring it like me.

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