I feel so alone

[duvet]

Hi,
I don’t think I have ever felt so alone. In the last year I have started to tell some people that I trust what I am going through which feels good but it’s only me that can decide what to do next.
I think I am suffering from coercive control. We met years ago when we were both in another country. He charmed me, then I quickly found out he was already married, at the time this didn’t seem like an issue as we were just having a fling. He was controlling right from the start about who I saw, what I did, where I went, when I called him, when I was available to him – even though he was going back to his wife.
We then left that country and went to another together to a flat that his family owned (or so I thought) I soon found out it belonged to his wife.
I got pregnant really quickly – he had already been violent as well as aggressive. We were alone in this country and I was isolated from everyone. He read my text messages and my e-mails. I look back and wonder why I didn’t walk away then and kick myself.
I then focussed on getting us here and getting him a visa so we could get married.
I was (detail removed by moderator) before he told me he already had children back in his home country.
We then moved here. After our first child was born i think I suffered from post natal depression but it was never diagnosed – I went to pieces for at least 2/3 months.
Sex was always important to him – when our baby was less than 3 days old he complained i seemed distanced from him and he wanted sex (he got sex). I was lost and confused.I got a job when the baby was (detail removed by moderator) – a good job. He got temp work. I was quickly earning far more than him.
When he was earning we sent money to his family, once i started earning the amount to send home went up and suddenly we were responsible for all costs at home. We had already stacked up debt paying for things in his home country.
Then his trips started – always a long weekend with a friend or to see a friend and he needed these trips to keep himself sane or so he said.
Debts continued to mount up – i did the good job and was by then doing all the jobs around the house, paying all the bills, most of the cooking, all the shopping and domestic tasks.
Then he was violent again – so violent that I had bruises across my face for @ 3 weeks – I wore sunglasses and makeup and told work I had tripped over a stair gate.
He was always aggressive and used to try to say I would sign a document that said if we ever split he take our children when I said ” if it’s my fault” he said “it will be your fault”. Now i see that everything will always be my fault.
It wasn’t until some time later that I found out the truth about his trips and the girls he had met. He kept photos of all of them. I kept thinking it would stop but life changing event after life changing event it never has. He has lost jobs / left jobs / worked part time. I continue to work very hard and bring in most of the family money.
The more I earn the more we have to send to his home.
We have 2 children and I am scared that he would take them from me and that i would never see them again which is why I haven’t tackled him so far. I used to think I could see out another number of years until the children were old enough but I am not so sure I want to any more.
I now think he has got married again back home – it’s all so twisted that I even worry when he doesn’t want sex. He wanted it every night for so long and now he has gone off it and I worry! This seems so daft but I realise I have become even more insecure than I ever was.
I have spoken to a solicitor and to the helpline. I was hoping to be able to speak to him to say that I know some of what is going on and to understand what he wants. The helpline have advised against confronting him at all. I don’t know why but I am struggling with the idea of moving myself and the children out – partly as I don’t see why we should have to move, partly as it is obviously final and will remove any hope of having a sensible separation, partly as I am ashamed that I have failed at this marriage.
Everyone I speak to is so supportive but I realise it’s me that’s going to have to break this and only me that can and that seems really hard.
It’s taken me ages to pluck up the courage to post here, I am not sure if it’s too much information, i am just trying to give a flavour of what I am dealing with.

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi Duvet,

I just wanted to write a quick message to say I’m sorry to hear what you have been through as it sounds absolutely awful and that you are not alone, we are here for you and understand.

I agree with the helpline about not confronting him, as you have seen these men are compulsive liars and manipulators, they are not like regular good people so you have to be careful how you deal with them. Any knowledge they have is more power over you. Did the helpline suggest you creating a safety plan and to plan your escape? If you talk to him about it he will just lie and try to keep you where you are so are right in that you have to take responsibility for yourself and do what is right for you and your children, not what he wants.

A lot of abusers threaten all sorts of things to keep control and keeping children is one of them. I’m not sure if you’re in the UK now but if so try to get in touch with your local domestic abuse support team for further advice on this, some of the ladies here with children might also be able to help.

Well done for acknowledging how you are being treated is not acceptable and for posting on here, look after yourself and keep posting, and when you feel strong you can plan your next steps towards a better life.

[SunshineRainflower]

p.s The fact that you work full time and do all of the housework while he goes out cheating etc and then siphons off your money to his family is appauling, this is extremely exploitative and I hope that you can get to a place where you can put an end to this soon and keep your own money for you and your children as it should be. You have definitely not failed in your marriage, you have tried your best and done much more than your fair share of the work but your partner has not held his end of the marriage bargain so you have nothing to be ashamed about. There is life ahead so don’t give up hope and keep going. xx

[duvet]

Thank you SunshineRainflower and also well done on finding a better forum name than I could think of!
I think it’s the getting to the place where I can end it that is hard as i am not there yet but want to be!
I will keep posting
Thanks again for your support

[Pearlescent]

Hi Duvet,

You have already come a long way by realising and accepting the situation that you are currently in. You will get to the point where you feel ready to make the move – this does not mean that you will feel strong enough (you never feel strong enough !) but you will know when the time is right and you will find the strength. Please do be careful though and look after yourself.

I know how you feel when you talk about your husband having other women, my partner was constantly and consistently unfaithful. Rather than me thinking “they are welcome to him” it made me feel even more useless and insecure. However you need to look at it in a positive way – the times he goes away gives you time to yourself to make your plans, build yourself up and gain knowledge about the options available to you.

The fact that you are bringing up your children, running a home, providing the finances and admitting to an abusive relationship shows what a strong, capable and able person you are. You have nothing to be ashamed of. You are on the right track, keep going, a new life awaits you !

Pearlescent xx

[duvet]

Thanks all,
I struggle with knowing when the time is right. I realise his absence means i have time to plan, I can see I am making steps and part of me wants to make huge leaps so I don’t have to go back to pretending that everything is OK and risking everything. I feel like I have got stronger but I think that can also present risk – If I expose my confidence to him and were to answer back or refuse I dread to think of what the consequences might be. I have always taken the approach of being entirely passive to his aggression however it’s expressed (mainly verbal threats). What I find hard is he is being nice at the moment – I suspect as he wants me to believe things are OK and he wants more money.
I know he misses the children and I still wish we could come to some amicable agreement – although I fear that is not possible. My concern is that if I exit with the children then I will definitely incite all of his anger and aggression. Is my hope of an amicable solution just me being naive? I had hoped to confront him whilst he was away so that I had time to make an exit if he reacted badly – I now realise that he might not react badly straight away – but he probably will do. It also makes me angry that I will most likely have to leave this house with the children.

Duvet (which is what i want to hide under!)

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