I feel so guilty – anyone else?

[Aquagirl]

I’m finally done with my relationship but it’s taken me (detail removed by Moderator) years to get to this point. There have been numerous occasions of abuse, which I didn’t know were abusive but upon educating myself on covert tactics I can now see that’s what they were

Worse than this have been (detail removed by Moderator) times where I had to report his behaviour to the police. I took him back after the last incident which was really bad but not physical. He made all the promises to change and never let that happen again (stopping drinking was the main one)…but it happened again and this time he got physical with me. That’s my line in the sand (although I do find myself bargaining like “but what if it wasn’t that bad?? What if he really is remorseful now and will change blah blah blah”)

He’s (detail removed by Moderator) and I feel SO guilty and responsible for him (detail removed by Moderator). I worry that he’s lonely and feels sad and depressed and abandoned by me. This guilt and shame I feel for him (detail removed by Moderator) feels WORSE than his mistreatment of me for so long, and it was always escalating in severity

I’m able to rationalise it to a point and see the reality, but it’s sort of like through a lens like a telescope – the reality is there but it’s along way away and feels really small, so because it’s not in close-up it’s not hitting me properly. If it was my sister or friends I would be the first person to say what I really think – GET OUT AND STAY OUT.

But it’s not so easy when you’re in it. Where does this guilt come from??? Anyone else relate? And if you’ve been through this, that their abuser has been arrested etc and you’re out the other side, what did you do to cope with those feelings of guilt and responsibility?

Xx

[tryingtosleep]

Dear aquagirl

You’re so right that if it was a friend – you’d be begging them to throw him out.

Guilt is a very common theme in these relationships, but you did the right thing. It might take you some time to realise that it was the right thing but you will get there. He on the other hand never will.

He is an adult and he is responsible for himself. If he’s sad and depressed, then he needs to fix this himself. You can’t do it for him.

You deserve to live in a safe place. Things will get better.

Lots of love xx

[Lqobs]

Hi Aquagirl,

 

I’m afraid I don’t have any remedies or answers for you. Only the share that I, too, experience this. It’s so so painful. I know, like you, I can rationalise to a point but the guilt is overwhelming. For me the relationship is with my dad (after two romantic abusive relationships and noticing/realising he was the first). My dad has never laid a finger on me and that eats away at me that my belief and experience of abuse is too “dramatic” or “all in my head” because it can’t be seen.
but I’ve got to this point due to years and years of trauma. I’m (detail removed by Moderator), and still don’t feel I’m living life on my terms even though I’m physically seperate.

I think guilt seems to be part of the play book. The playing on the victims emotions and evoking sympathy and guilt. I know my dad has people around him who regularly feel bad for him. And this weighs on my mind as I ever want to make anyone feel but I deserve to be free, happy and healthy.

Xo

[Allornothing]

Hi Aquagirl, I’ve been there!  I started writing down my memories, which then opened up even more things that I had forgotten about.  Anytime that I felt guilty, I brought myself back to some of those memories and remembered how I felt and asked myself if he cared? The answer time and time again was no, he didn’t and his remorse was fake and his promises were empty with no intention behind them. This helped me a lot and I am at a point now where I really really dislike him, nothing could ever make me want to give him the time of day. I don’t wish him harm but at the same time, I would never do anything to help him.

My ex portrayed that he was lonely, had no one – in fact, he had more people around him as he played the sympathy card, posted on social media, doing drugs with people – all for sympathy as none of it was his fault. He continued to play the ‘poor me card’ when in fact, I was the lonely one, I kept myself to myself and found solace in support groups and places like this forum. It is all a mind game, but you just need to look after you, he is an adult and he got himself to this position and he most likely will never learn.

Keep digging deep and remember the reasons for why you are here.  The feelings will pass and your happiness is more important than his.  xx

[Author]

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