I feel so so stupid

[maddog]

I had a video interview with the police a couple of weeks ago. They asked me if I slept naked. I responded, yes. I didn’t add that before I met my husband I wore nightclothes and now I wear nightclothes. Right from the off my husband was in charge of sex. He hated condoms and bodged that one. He refused point blank to be tested for STIs. The going to bed naked was new to me and I just went along with it. There were endless problems with intimacy. His idea of sex was just to get an erection, and use me as a masterbatory tool. The whole thing is ringing in my head about how on earth I ever ever thought this was normal. I was never allowed to initiate anything and he used to boast about how long he could keep and erection as though I ought to be pleased…I’m really sorry if this is TMI.
Years ago I was working with someone who knew my husband on a decorating project. My husband was called away and the bloke I was working with said that the project is so much easier without him. His adult family breathed a sigh of relief when he went away for work. I just feel so so stupid for not following my instincts. The whole start of the relationship was a parade of red flags.

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi maddog,

Just because you slept naked doesn’t mean you wanted to be raped or abused, so hopefully the police will understand that. That’s like saying a woman in a short skirt is asking to be raped, a misogynistic and out dated concept. I guess you could let them know that you didn’t sleep naked before or after the relationship if you wanted to clarify it, but check with the others because I know the police can be funny about people changing their statements and things.

Don’t beat yourself up about not following your instincts, most of us here did the same hence being on the forum. These men are excellent at getting us to ignore and question our instincts by lying about everything, gaslighting, playing the victim etc.

It’s also always easier to see all the red flags in hindsight. It’s harder at the time because the abusers often explain, gaslight etc them away. For me, I was so lonely when I met my ex and desperately wanted a partner so that made it easy for my brain to accept his explanations, whereas if I’d been in a healthier place I would have got rid of him at the sign of the first red flag. I also had no awareness of domestic abuse at the time. Like most women, I didn’t realise that him wanting to spend all his time with me was a red flag, I didn’t realise him demanding I text him daily was a red flag because the way he explained it seemed plausible, and I blamed myself for a load of other red flags. Any others that I noticed and brought up with him were dismissed, lied about, denied etc so it was only when he started to get scary that it suddenly all clicked into place and I realised that he was not the good man I thought he was, quite the opposite. I sometimes feel foolish now because it seems obvious, but at the time it really wasn’t and I was completely fooled by him.

The main thing is that we learn from the experience so we don’t let another abuser trick us. There are some very good books and resources on spotting red flags of abuse and the freedom programme etc if you haven’t done it already.

[Amaguq]

Hi Maddog,
I totally agree with Sunshinerainflower.
Why would it matter if you slept naked or not? I don’t understand that. I recall seeing a post on here about body armour, that was me but he found a way through when I was asleep.
He even asked me one day if I enjoyed it, I told him I didn’t but he continued.

Please don’t feel stupid although I can identify, the warning signs were there but I didn’t see them although others did and now they are telling me.

Glad you can wear nightclothes now. Onward and Upwards for us now even though we may have many obstacles, we will overcome them.

Take care xx

[maddog]

Thanks for replying Sunshine. I did notice the red flags early on. Just one day I was trying to meet a friend so I could leave. I couldn’t find her so I returned home. I can’t remember exactly what had happened.

My husband has asked for a divorce. He has done nothing about it. I am looking for somewhere else to live with the children. I think my husband is gloating in himself. He sees himself as the victim. I have never ever stuck pencils or anything else up his nose or ears or in his mouth when he’s asleep as a sign of affection. He also had a horrible habit of picking up bits of me and placing them on bits of him for his own satisfaction. Really strange. No asking. Just doing. I cannot count the number of times he did this while I lay stock still knowing that if I said anything we would have a row. I felt trapped much of the time. I did eventually tell him to stop groping me. Cue row. He said I was his wife and he was showing affection. Ho hum. The man he thinks he is is not the same as the one he actually is. He told me he’s not a monster.
My IDVA said she’d ask if I could add to the statement. It’s not the same as changing it.

[maddog]

I was thinking about the beginning of the relationship. I thought his sexual behaviour was quite odd, but I let it go. I thought, hey, he has a job, a house, responsibilities, has held down a long relationship and marriages do break down. When he told me his first wife suffered from vaginosis I didn’t know what he was talking about. I do now. I am dreading going through the divorce. He doesn’t seem to know that we will have to sell the house and move on. He doesn’t know that I am looking into places to rent and have raised my savings to do so. I do not think he is a fit person to have anything with a pulse under his roof. If I leave the dogs behind he will turn on one of them. One of them is getting into an old habit of running off. This is an absolute nightmare and I spent about 18 months going through endless behaviourists and hell sorting the problem.

I was asked today if we are speaking. There is nothing to speak about when my husband condones our daughter’s assault on me in front of her, calls me dreadful things and lies through his teeth to his solicitor.

[KIP.]

My ex hurt my dog. No wonder it’s running off. Try to rehome it. See if family or friends will take it meantime. Don’t tell him a thing about your looking to leave him. They are very dangerous when they sense we are leaving x

[maddog]

I haven’t told him. After (detail removed by Moderator) months or so of utter hell since he had me arrested and I have been making statements to the police about his behaviour I asked him this evening about how he thought of getting divorced. He thinks we are going to have to stay in the same house together until the house is sold. At least I broached the subject. I am hoping to leave. I told him we are going to have to sell the house and move on. He has agreed in principle to let things go as quickly and smoothly as possible. I just hope hope hope that the police will get a move on. He can get me arrested on false pretences and rage on the press of 3 buttons. I still wait.

[Confused123]

Hi Hun

YOur not stupid, but you know thats t he first thing we all say, how did we fall for their stupid tricks, how was we so guilable , they just manipulate us, we are so blown away by the abuse we dont even understand it. I was the same with my ex, i didnt even recognise half the abuse , all i knew was that what was happening wrong, doenst help when ex side tell u its ok and just a bad patch. i get the ignoring red flags, i didnt even know what they was till after i had left ex and talk about what i expreinced, it was then i learnt my gut was warning me his behaviour was wrong but i just thought he knew better or it was me being silly. I true experienced the having to sleep naked, it would annoy him if i slept with pyjamas on and most of time he would just rip them off anyway and tell me he prefered me naked like yours did, just so they can probe, grope and feel us to their satisfaction. good thing to add to your statment that u r traaautmisied by his beahviour that u having difficulty processing it and recognising what is right and what is wrong as you went into denial to cope with it. Sorry to hear his getting u arrested on false accusations, my ex did this tome after beating me up and said i beat him up but decided not to press charges on me ,so can only imagine what u r going through if he does regualr, i would take this opportunity to report him for abuse when u get arrested, carry on trying to find a place to live behind his back. continue to get support for yourseslf

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